Juggling post-partum responsibilities

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Hello married ones with children,

I’m curious how many of you were bothered by the dishes uncleaned, kitchen a mess, no dinner or lunch prepared, no laundry done, no cleaning of the house during the first few months of taking care of a baby and how did you managed. Where you constantly complaining to your spouse?
 
I read this to my husband and asked, “Am I correct in thinking you didn’t notice?” and he said, “Yeah.”

More substantively:
  1. Your husband can make himself lunch.
  2. If you start a load of laundry in the morning and check in with it as you get time throughout the day, you can manage a load or two by the end of the day. (But if you don’t have a washer and dryer in your apartment or house, you have my sympathy.)
  3. I really like vibrating bouncy seats for little babies (swings can also be helpful, but are less portable). In a few months (like around 4 months), a Jumperoo or Exersaucer will make an excellent baby station. I did a lot of laundry with my youngest in a vibrating bouncy seat and also managed a lot of showers.
  4. Paper plates!
  5. House cleaning on Saturday (or other husband day off) when he can hold the baby while you clean.
  6. You probably don’t have the money for this, but house cleaners are nice! I got my first cleaning lady when my oldest was born (almost 13 years ago now) and have had regular help ever since.
  7. Crockpot, so you do your prep work for dinner when you’re not tired.
  8. Leftovers for dinner.
  9. One parent cooks, the other takes care of baby.
 
  1. If you sort clothes by family member and each family member has their own laundry basket and immediately hang up any clothes that might wrinkle (wrinkle-free dress shirts, for instance), you don’t really need to put away clothes.
This is not super duper blue ribbon housewifing, but seriously, folding and putting away or hanging up every single garment is not necessary. As long as you have adequate clean clothes and hang up a few crucial items as they come out of the dryer, everything will be just fine.
 
  1. The freezer is a wonderful device, particularly for storing such things as frozen meals (homemade if you’re a go-getter), leftovers, vegetables, a spare loaf of bread, a pack of tortillas, bagels, toaster waffles (the baby will love them within a year), homemade baked goods, etc.
 
A new mother’s job is to take care of baby and herself, and any older siblings not of school age during the day (assuming dad is at work), and to rest while not doing those things.

If she has time and energy for anything else, that’s a massive bonus. Otherwise, dad and older siblings can take care of themselves.

For context - I’m male, father of four, have been through this a few times - compounded by all four being c-section.
 
Being a dad of 3 , which are now all grown men, I never complained about anything,
But those 2. A. M. Feeds were a tough one,
 
E_7 said:
Hello married ones with children,

I’m curious how many of you were bothered by the dishes uncleaned, kitchen a mess, no dinner or lunch prepared, no laundry done, no cleaning of the house during the first few months of taking care of a baby and how did you managed. Where you constantly complaining to your spouse?
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For me and my wife it was just a case of seeing what needed doing, and doing it as and when we could - no big issue.

ps. I was once breastfed back in the day, in the back of a church during Mass. It was done discreetly, so I was told.
 
E_7 said:
Hello married ones with children,

I’m curious how many of you were bothered by the dishes uncleaned, kitchen a mess, no dinner or lunch prepared, no laundry done, no cleaning of the house during the first few months of taking care of a baby and how did you managed. Where you constantly complaining to your spouse?
Click to expand...
I’m confused.

Life didn’t change except there was suddenly two babies in the house.

Everything else went on as normal.

:confused:
 
Xantippe said:
I read this to my husband and asked, “Am I correct in thinking you didn’t notice?” and he said, “Yeah.”

More substantively:
  1. House cleaning on Saturday (or other husband day off) when he can hold the baby while you clean.
Click to expand...
Which day does your other husband take off? :hmmm:
 
Hello! We have 8 children ages 14 years to 4 months. I speak from lots of experience in terms of times of having the house get completely upside down in spite of my best efforts. It’s amazing/scary how fast laundry and dishes can pile up, and what kids (even really sweet and helpful kids) can do when left to their own devices for a few minutes. Not to mention if someone gets sick or starts teething etc…, or if some random thing, such as the toilet overflowing, interrupts the day. I don’t know about your situation, but we have no family around here where we can drop off the kids for a few hours or have grandma come over to hold and help soothe the baby (although our older children have been a tremendous help the past two years or so). Additionally, I was raised to value education and creativity rather than domestic responsibilities. A master’s degree is worthless when it comes to learning about and developing the habits necessary in domestic life.

I stay home with the children, and my husband has often come home to a messy house and even sometimes to no dinner. During our early years when the oldest two were under 3, he would often get very upset even if only the floor wasn’t swept. He would act irritable and occasionally even yell at me -not even smiling when he came home. It was so hard on me. I ended up developing a type of Pavlovian response where my stomach would be in knots and my heart rate would increase every day before he came home. I started staying up very late sometimes, such as to 3 in the morning doing laundry while everyone slept, to help keep up. I wasn’t the best mommy being so tired, and it certainly wreaked havoc on my health (my immune system was weakened and I think it made me susceptible to West Nile, C Diff, and type II diabetes- I contracted the first two and am borderline for the diabetes- which doesn’t run in my family and I don’t have a weight problem), but it did save me the added stress of my husband’s negative reactions.

After a few years, and more times of him watching the kids while I went out, he became more understanding and learned to be kinder, because he did feel bad and apologize for how he was acting.

Nowadays, we are both more realistic about things. He is way more understanding, and I don’t push myself or get quite so stressed out if the house isn’t in order just before he gets home (however I do have a much more effective routine now, and more help from the kids, and so the house is rarely messy when he gets home). We know from so much experience that a room full of unfolded laundry isn’t cause for a meltdown and can be left a day or two and still get folded in just a few hours between a few of us, and that a living room full of scattered toys only takes a few minutes to tidy up.

As for exactly what my husband has said and thought-- I can’t really remember exact things, but I remember a few times that he compared me to a relative of his who is a horrible housekeeper, which hurt my feelings because of how hard I was working and how I knew that this relative just didn’t care about their mess. He also teased me about my cooking abilities (I grew up in a meat and potatoes home, whereas his family ate gourmet style). He has told me that he has thought things like “What does she do all day to let the house go like this?!”, and “Doesn’t she care about me?!”.

I hope this helped to answer your question. If you’re struggling as we did, with stress from learning to adjust to life with children, I’d suggest the website maritalhealing.com. The questionairres on there really helped my husband and I to be less selfish and more giving, and more understanding. They helped us to understand what is reasonable to expect, and to understand that the source of our and/or spouse’s frustration isn’t us, but often stems from big or little things that happened before in the families we were raised in, for which forgiveness goes a very long way.
 
My thoughts when that first happened? “Great! she’s gone, now the two of us can watch the game in peace”

:cool:
 
I was badly injured giving birth, so my husband had to help out a lot when we got home and then even after he went back to work. He was incredible. He did all the laundry, brought food home for dinner, did the grocery shopping, and a lot of other stuff.

I did everything I could, he helped with everything else that was necessary, and the rest had to just be left undone for awhile. Eventually I started feeling better and being able to get around, and took over everything. Now he goes to work and takes out the trash, and helps with the baby when he’s home, and I take care of everything else.

Never, ever did he make any kind of comment about the state of the house or anything else. He always asked how he could help me. I would actually apologize if I couldn’t manage to make dinner and he would tell me not to be ridiculous. He knew that our baby rarely napped and that I was tied to the rocker feeding him a good portion of the day, and did not expect anything else from me other than to take care of him. That said, I did 100% of what I could- I’d dash down to do laundry when I could, or stick something in the crockpot, find a moment to vacuum, etc. But if stuff didn’t get done, it just didn’t and we both just kind of accepted that it was how it was going to be for awhile.

Xantippe gave you a lot of great suggestions. I really hope that your husband is not making you feel badly if things aren’t getting done. You both work hard all day. If he is reasonable, he will work with you to figure out some solutions. Maybe you use paper plates for awhile. Maybe he picks up food on his way home. Maybe he puts the baby to sleep on the weekends so you can get some rest. Maybe you both tackle the laundry while watching a show in the evenings or on weekends. Ask him to help you, if things aren’t being done to his satisfaction.
 
Having a baby is exhausting. I have four. Oh my goodness.

Yup. The first few weeks is breastfeed, change diapers, sleep.

I try to spring clean the house before the baby is born and delegate chores. It’s rough.

Pretty much whatever Xantippe says, you can take to the bank! 👍
 
Having a baby is exhausting. I have four. Oh my goodness.

Yup. The first few weeks is breastfeed, change diapers, sleep.

I try to spring clean the house before the baby is born and delegate chores. It’s rough.

Pretty much whatever Xantippe says, you can take to the bank! 👍
 
You mean the house was only messy during the breastfeeding times?

My house is a filthy dump IMHO. My wife and I both work and with four daughters old enough to help out (12-14) The house should be well kept. A nickle for everytime I come home and see the kitchen a wreck and the girls lounging with their iphones :mad:

I had a rotating task list that worked fine as far as keeping things in order, but getting them to actually do it and do it correctly is another matter. I am “old-school” when it comes to the kids getting their chores done, I hold feet to the fire. This has pushed the wrong buttons in me (there are many and they are quite unpleasant) to the point that it has harmed the relationships.

Wife doesnt seem to mind the mess and has a more permissuve attitude. When she ran the “task list” it quickly became irrelevant. She was an only child and had a housekeeper.

I have since decided to lay back and just let things go.

I suppose I went somewhat off topic but it was an opportunity to vent. Please pardon.
 
Tiber2001 said:
It’s amazing/scary how fast laundry and dishes can pile up, and what kids (even really sweet and helpful kids) can do when left to their own devices for a few minutes.

**We have a laundry chute that leads into some cupboards in my laundry room. I’ll occasionally, after skipping a day, think to myself, “Oh, good! There’s not much at all!” when I walk in, only to discover a veritable PILLAR of laundry when I open the cupboards.

All I have to do is not do two loads every day and disaster ensues. And there are only five of us at home. **

I stay home with the children, and my husband has often come home to a messy house and even sometimes to no dinner.

**Sad but true–one of the easiest ways to ensure a clean house when you have children is to be bad about screen time. When kids are glued to the screens all day, they won’t mess the house up.

Also, fun, creative, active play often generates more work. (Example: my husband took the kids kayaking last night, which generated a huge pile of wet, sandy clothes.)

So, I would not automatically assume that tidy house = awesome parenting. Au contraire.
**

As for exactly what my husband has said and thought-- I can’t really remember exact things, but I remember a few times that he compared me to a relative of his who is a horrible housekeeper, which hurt my feelings because of how hard I was working and how I knew that this relative just didn’t care about their mess.

**That’s just awful. I’m glad he turned over a new leaf. **

I hope this helped to answer your question. If you’re struggling as we did, with stress from learning to adjust to life with children, I’d suggest the website maritalhealing.com. The questionairres on there really helped my husband and I to be less selfish and more giving, and more understanding. They helped us to understand what is reasonable to expect, and to understand that the source of our and/or spouse’s frustration isn’t us, but often stems from big or little things that happened before in the families we were raised in, for which forgiveness goes a very long way.
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As you mentioned earlier, it’s also important to give one’s husband opportunities to take care of kids solo for an hour or two at a time so he is able to figure out for himself that just feeding and diapering little children is pretty demanding and it takes all of 5 minutes to generate a toy mess that will take 20 minutes to clean up. That kind of deficit situation is mathematically impossible to dig out of without help.

I’m blessed with a husband that can’t see messes, but there is also a kind of old-school guy that believes 1) housework and childcare are super easy 2) he’s not going to help with it and 3) and has exacting standards. OCD tendencies don’t help either. From family experience, I suspect those are especially common among men with superwoman mothers. My dad was like that when I was growing up and my FIL is/was like that, too–both had Energizer Bunny uber domestic moms.

Logically speaking, there is a contradiction between #1 (housework and childcare are super easy) and #2 (he’s not going to help with it). The easier it is, the less trouble it should be for him to help.

There’s a pernicious mythology in the contemporary Catholic and conservative Protestant world in the US that mothers OUGHT to be able to manage all by themselves at home, with only help from their children. While it’s true that big kids can be helpful, under-fives are not great employees (in fact, you’ll notice that there is wide-spread discrimination against them in the job market–nobody wants to hire a 3-year-old!). The funny thing is, that this mythology about the self-sufficient housewife pretends to be “traditional,” but it’s not at all. In even the recent past, any woman could afford it had “help.” Pick up a Bible or any 19th century novel, and there are servants everywhere.

Oh, but be careful about how you treat a helpful husband. Make sure he has autonomy and don’t micromanage. Let him do it his way, unless somebody is about to get hurt.

Good luck!
 
Of course I’m bothered by it.

I like living in a clean house, I like having some privacy and a chance to sleep a few extra hours now and then.

But that is not possible now. No one complains about the way my house looks. We don’t live in squalor but the house is a mess.

Toys don’t get picked up all the time, I don’t remember the last time I vacuumed, I only clean the floors when they are visibly dirty, the laundry piles up…as much as I try to keep up with it, the play room is a total disaster.
If dinner gets made, it’s a miracle.

I do try but it’s gets harder and harder as my pregnancies progress and then when we have the baby for the first 3 months or so…it’s just impossible.

My husband has never complained or had an issue with the way the house looks. When I had just one kid, it was easier to keep up with the house.
The more kids we add…the harder it gets to keep up.

My husband was unemployed for a little while and was a stay at home dad. He would get stuff done and would usually cook dinner. But there were plenty of days I came home from school and nothing was done, no dinner was cooked and I saw a very frustrated look on his face.

If anyone waltzes into my house after they’ve been out all day (without kids) and makes makes any negative comment of the upkeep of my house they’d receive a serious earful and be escorted out.

If it was my husband…heaven help him…big time.

But I don’t suffer the fool or try to do more then I can handle.

In all seriousness, if my husband really had such a problem, I’d polish up my resume and start looking for jobs and setting up interviews and tell him if I’m doing such a terrible job…then we can switch roles and he can take care of it all.

If your husband is making comments, and your house doesn’t look like it could be featured on hoarders, then you need to put your foot down firmly and tell him you won’t tolerate his comments. That you are doing the best you can and it doesn’t help when someone, who hasn’t been home all day, makes comments about your productivity.
It’s rude and frustrating.

You don’t ask him about his productivity, or lack thereof, at work.

What he should be saying is “how can I help?” “would you like a break?” “what do you need?”
Or just take initiative and start a load of laundry when he gets home or get dinner started himself…without prompting or asking.

That is what my husband and I do for each other. Both of us swap on who is on kid-wrangling duty. I’m in school and he works swing shifts.

Whomever gets home…helps out immediately…no questions asked, no comments made.
We also have babysitters who help out too.

What is funny about the outside help is that they try to help by cleaning up things themselves. It’s great…but then I can’t find anything!
 
With some help from a counselor, I found that having babies was an excellent aid to help me get over being a perfectionist.

Now I’m all about function. Is the sink clear enough that I can use the tap? Are the counters and floors clean enough that it’s unlikely we’ll get a visit from bugs (or larger critters?) Do I have enough clean clothes that I don’t have to worry about what the kids are wearing tomorrow? Do we have enough that I can whip up something for dinner today?

If I can manage that, and that’s *without *a newborn at present, then everything else is gravy. I do like things neat and tidy, but I’ve learned to make that more for me and less about my pride (which is really what it was rooted in before - I wanted to look capable and on top of things and didn’t want to ask for help because I thought it was shameful.)

With a newborn, my husband absolutely knows that it is his job to help those basic things get done, because my job is keeping my newborn fed. I know it seems crazy when you only have one, because it is such a crazy adjustment, but with #3 coming I am looking forward to the “babymoon” where I don’t have to do diddly but sit in a chair or lie on a bed and nurse my baby.

I don’t get back to feeling like I can do more than the basics until after 6 months or so, when baby is more interested in independent play. With an only child, getting together with a moms group with similar aged children can be nice, because then your child can be interested in and entertained by someone else besides you (my first and second have drastically different personalities, and I think part of that is inborn, but whoa what a difference when #2 had #1 to entertain him when I had things to do!)

Xantippe offered a lot of really, really good practical suggestions for getting done the stuff that is absolutely essential. But at some point, like I did, you might have to adjust your understanding of what’s “essential.” And like Xantippe’s husband, my husband really didn’t notice a difference, anyway (maybe he was happier that I shut up about his dirty socks being left on the floor. :p)
 
One thing I eventually did was make a list of essential daily household tasks (bed making, dishes, etc.), then assign weekdays to other tasks (e.g. Wednesday is bathroom day), and then regular project-y type stuff on a month by month basis (e.g. April is switching out seasonal clothes, plus some other yardwork things.) Some people don’t mind this, but I absolutely hate it when my husband asks, “So what can I do to help?” In my mind, the answer is, “Look around you and find something!” but that’s not very nice 😊, so I make the lists and they’re posted on the fridge. He is finally getting that he can look at that list and see what’s checked off or not. The everyday stuff gets priority.

It’d be nice if everything got checked off every day/week/month, but usually we’re at like 70-80%. But that’s a lot better than nothing, and it’s a system that works for us, and makes us feel more like a team rather than shifting blame for who should have done what.
 
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