Juggling post-partum responsibilities

[Joe_5859]

My youngest child has special needs, so those first few months have pretty much never stopped in the past 6 years.

I know it would be inaccurate to say that I have never complained. But we both keep trying to move things along as best we can.

 

[Xantippe]

You mean the house was only messy during the breastfeeding times?

My house is a filthy dump IMHO. My wife and I both work and with four daughters old enough to help out (12-14) The house should be well kept. A nickle for everytime I come home and see the kitchen a wreck and the girls lounging with their iphones

I had a rotating task list that worked fine as far as keeping things in order, but getting them to actually do it and do it correctly is another matter. I am “old-school” when it comes to the kids getting their chores done, I hold feet to the fire. This has pushed the wrong buttons in me (there are many and they are quite unpleasant) to the point that it has harmed the relationships.

Wife doesnt seem to mind the mess and has a more permissuve attitude. When she ran the “task list” it quickly became irrelevant. She was an only child and had a housekeeper.

I have since decided to lay back and just let things go.

I suppose I went somewhat off topic but it was an opportunity to vent. Please pardon.

If you have the guts for it (and if you can get your wife to back you up), you can point out to the girls that the expense of a maid service closely resembles the cost of iphones for the whole family.

So, the girls can choose between:

1. their beloved iphones

and

1. a maid service

If they want phones, they need to clean. If they don’t want to clean, they lose their phones. I’m sure you can find something adequate for their actual needs, but obnoxious to the self-image of a 14-year-old:

cordlessworkz.com/jitterbug-phone.aspx?gclid=cjkbp9al9sqcfqmmaqodbpsaoa

 

[Xantippe]

Toys don’t get picked up all the time, I don’t remember the last time I vacuumed, I only clean the floors when they are visibly dirty, the laundry piles up…as much as I try to keep up with it, the play room is a total disaster.

**We finally got a play room with our new house (with baby #3) and I firmly believe that being a disaster is what play rooms are for.

Ours gets picked up twice a month when we have cleaners, or maybe when we have out-of-town family visits.

It’s fine.
**

My husband has never complained or had an issue with the way the house looks. When I had just one kid, it was easier to keep up with the house.
The more kids we add…the harder it gets to keep up.

**In fact, the harder it is to figure out what belongs to whom or where it goes.

There is a substantial number of items in our home that I don’t even know what they are and I’d need to do an Agatha Christie style gather-all-of-the-suspects thing in order to figure out where to put them.
**

 

[Xantippe]

Tbrightson,

If it’s impractical to interrupt a cell phone contract, you could also cut the girls’ clothing budget in half to afford monthly maid service.

Sooooo many options!

But, again, you need your wife to be on board before exploring the various nuclear options.

 

[Bookcat]

Get to work woman! This a full working farm not just a dairy farm!



(no…not likely thought or said…I was too busy trying to stay awake or go to sleep…for dads get woken too when little ones are disturbed by feelings of hunger et al)

 

[LongingSoul]

Those first years of family life are genuinely a blur to me. I look at photos at times and can’t even recognise that life. My three were a real handful and I was unaware at the time but once they got to school would understand… that 2 of them had autistic spectrum issues. It made it harder to deal with prior to knowing that something was wrong other than me being a rubbish mother. My husband also worked and did his Bachelors degree for the first 7 years of the marriage and wasn’t much help to me.

I didn’t like the chaos and mess much but my husband didn’t seem to be overly distressed by it. I suffered more from not having any sympathy or encouragement from him in those days. I was prepared to forego his practical help and live with chaos, but the sympathy and encouragement would have been really appreciated. My brothers were always loving and generous to their wives in the face of those early years of chaos and I believe that those years built the foundations of their strong loving marriages now that their kids are independent adults.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hello married ones with children,

I’m curious how many of you were bothered by the dishes uncleaned, kitchen a mess, no dinner or lunch prepared, no laundry done, no cleaning of the house during the first few months of taking care of a baby and how did you managed. Where you constantly complaining to your spouse?

You’re “curious”? Forgive me for saying so, but this sounds more than I’d like as if I’m being asked to take sides in a marital dispute.

The first few months after a baby or babies are born are hard on a household. Goal number one is to remain a team. It is very important, too, to tend to your marriage, lest parenthood become the enemy of being husband and wife. Whether you are the husband or the wife, honestly do your best, and when “best” comes up short, sit down with your spouse and decide what the resources are and what the priorities are for using your limited combined resources to keep up with the work of the household, both professional and domestic. Most of all, make your relationship more important than other considerations.

Also important: be resolute that “this too shall pass.” I have to admit that standards that lower following the infancy and toddler-hood of a child have this way of staying low, because you gain a tolerance for “meals” that hardly deserve the name and a house that looks like a bomb hit. To some degree a couple’s standards should fall a bit, especially after a first child, because the home of a childless couple is often unnaturally clean for the needs of a couple with children in the home. The meal standards of a childless couple can be unnecessarily fussy. Still, if the standards stay as low as they tend to go when you have a new baby or a toddler (let alone two) in the house, you have to be vigilant about bringing the standards back up when it is reasonable to do so. If you don’t, before you know it you will have teenagers in the house who are going to make some really lousy roommates.

 

[Xantippe]

Those first years of family life are genuinely a blur to me. I look at photos at times and can’t even recognise that life. My three were a real handful and I was unaware at the time but once they got to school would understand… that 2 of them had autistic spectrum issues. It made it harder to deal with prior to knowing that something was wrong other than me being a rubbish mother. My husband also worked and did his Bachelors degree for the first 7 years of the marriage and wasn’t much help to me.

My husband was also often unavailable (including during family travel) in the early years because he was going through the tenure process. It’s a get promoted or get fired kinda deal, so very high pressure. In our first year of parenthood (which was not by any means the hardest), I’d often be expecting him home and have dinner all ready, only to get a phone call that he was just leaving the office…75-90 minutes away.

I had a very hard time once I had a 2-year-old and was also pregnant and probably for the next two years (until the oldest was able to go to full-day pre-K). Like Longing Soul, I also discovered that our oldest was on the autism spectrum when she was 6, and that’s a big part of why it had been so difficult to manage her as a toddler. I currently have a 12-year-old, 10-year-old, and 2-year-old, and it’s much, much, much easier than it was in the days when I had a 2 or 3-year-old plus an infant or young toddler.

 

[Tbrightson]

Tbrightson,

If it’s impractical to interrupt a cell phone contract, you could also cut the girls’ clothing budget in half to afford monthly maid service.

Sooooo many options!

But, again, you need your wife to be on board before exploring the various nuclear options.

Well, she wont be on board and without her support there is no point.

I was going to remodel the bathroom for the girls this year, but I figure if I am going to be putting money into something to be kept like a pig pen, I already have one at the farm that could use work. At least I can make a profit raising those kind of pigs.

 

[pensmama87]

One other thing I started regularly doing, once I got past the blur of the newborn phase, was a regular purge of stuff (it started because we moved when my oldest was 8 months or so, but I’ve done it regularly since then, probably twice a year.) I found that there was a lot of stuff I really thought I needed as we were starting to set up house, that was actually just useless and in the way. Even though I didn’t think I shopped much, we had tons of toys and clothes and knick-knacks. I swear they just appeared out of nowhere.

While others may find that they don’t mind a messy room, it does drive me up a tree, even after letting go of a lot of my perfectionism. So I figure if it’s too much for the kids plus my husband and I to handle, it means there’s too much, period. (I’ll admit that I’m partially very resolute about this because I grew up in a hoarder house, where stuff got in the way of everyday living.) My rules are toys in the playroom only, everything gets picked up once before lunch and again before bedtime, and all toys are communal except for a very few special toys and books that live in bedrooms. Baby toys do spread out a bit more, but there are fewer of them.

To go back to where the OP is, though, I want to address the strain on a marriage that a newborn, especially the first one, can take. One thing I have noticed is that men and women have a tendency to follow different timelines for adjusting to parenthood (and by no means do I claim this to be universal - obviously there are differences for temperament and life situation, cultural expectations for mothers and fathers, etc.) I think women tend to adjust to the reality of the different situation sooner, partially because of the physical reality of pregnancy and then nursing for the women who choose that. Men experience a big disruption in their lives too, but they’re still kind of removed from the action. I think this disparity can be even bigger if mom stays at home and dad works out of the home. So while I don’t think it’s OK for a husband to be complaining about his wife not doing all the stuff she used to do, I can understand that it could be baffling to him, not just that he’s selfish or mean-spirited, though of course that can and does happen, just like there are mean and selfish mothers. It was hard for me to understand that the first time around, but he did mostly get it, and I learned to be more understanding of the adjustments he had to make, and it’s mostly better now.

As EJ said, this too shall pass!

 

[Kelfa28]

Xantippe said this and I agree.
The more disorganized and cluttery your house look is an indication of better parenting. The kids aren’t just sitting front of the TV while mom cleans the house.

Granted my kids do watch some TV to save my sanity and help me get a couple of things done.

Even so, I could try to clean some things up…like putting toys in bins or empty the dishwasher…but my girls will follow me and say…“hey, I haven’t played with that in awhile…why are you putting it away?” It all gets dumped out after I clean in up.

We’ve got markers and coloring books covering the kitchen table, a kid-size trampoline in the middle of the living room, and toys and books all over the couches and floor. When we break out the play-do or the finger paints…oh my goodness! But it’s fun and so-what if my house is the sacrificial lamb sometimes.

Laundry chutes are pretty cool. We have one and it’s nice to be able to sweep through the house, gathering all dirty clothes from the floor, shoving it down the chute and dealing with it after the kids go to sleep. It’s in the basement and not cluttering up my life upstairs.

I think that is one of the reasons why my house doesn’t look that awful. Toys get dumped in plastic bins and dirty clothes get dumped down the chute. Dirty dishes are addressed as soon as we can and get put in the dishwasher. Doors get shut when company comes over.

One could just implement the method my mom perfected while I was growing up.

No actual “laundry chute” but we had a makeshift one in the form of the basement steps. Basement door was opened and laundry was thrown down the stairs…awaiting eventual pick up by whomever had laundry duty that day.

 

[EasterJoy]

…
The more disorganized and cluttery your house look is an indication of better parenting. The kids aren’t just sitting front of the TV while mom cleans the house…

I think that is one of the reasons why my house doesn’t look that awful. Toys get dumped in plastic bins and dirty clothes get dumped down the chute. Dirty dishes are addressed as soon as we can and get put in the dishwasher. Doors get shut when company comes over…

I would say that a house that is either too clean or too messy *on a regular basis *is a bad sign–but only that. It is an indication of a “maybe.” Some of the best parents teach their children to clean up as they go and involve them in the work of taking care of the home. Some of the worst both neglect their housework *and *their children. On that account, the cleanliness of a house is not a very good indication of how much attention the children are getting nor what sort of education they’re getting in terms of cleaning up after themselves as they go.

 

[pensmama87]

I would say that a house that is either too clean or too messy *on a regular basis *is a bad sign–but only that. It is an indication of a “maybe.” Some of the best parents teach their children to clean up as they go and involve them in the work of taking care of the home. Some of the worst both neglect their housework *and *their children. On that account, the cleanliness of a house is not a very good indication of how much attention the children are getting nor what sort of education they’re getting in terms of cleaning up after themselves as they go.

I get very tired of hearing that dirty/cluttered houses are signs of better parenting, and I hear it a lot. My mother used to say it (well, she still does but she lives far away so I don’t hear it as much as I used to), and as I previously said in a post, I grew up in a hoarder house. Sorry, but that’s not loving. My mother also used to say, “At least I don’t make you live in a sterilized household and make you walk on newspaper.” As if those were the only two options for how to live.

I do make an effort, when I can, to make my house livable for my children, because I remember the chaos I grew up in. My two are old enough now that they can amuse themselves without too much danger while I do something. Do I ease up a bit when there’s a new baby in the house? You bet. But I don’t think at all that I am doing them a disservice by insisting that they pick up their own toys (recognizing that at 4 and 2 I’m still going to do at least 50% of it) or by keeping a donation box in the basement that gets taken to Goodwill when it’s full.

 

[pensmama87]

I should add that I think what bugs me most about the statement is the idea that one’s house should *always *be in some kind of disarray. My house is sometimes, because people live here. A house that is always immaculate is either empty or inhabited by folks with some serious problems.

My house does look messy for a significant portion of the day. But by the time the kids are in bed, the dishes are usually done, the counters are wiped down, and the toys are put away. The house still looks lived in, but it’s neat and tidy, and I make sure we don’t own so much that that isn’t possible. I don’t think that’s depriving my kids.

Now, I do understand the pressure that women, especially stay-at-home moms since we’re all presumed to have tons of free time , are under to be perfect housekeepers. We’re also under pressure to be great cooks, great at crafts, take our kids on all these trips, etc. etc. I stink at crafts. I have a box of crayons and some paper and coloring books and on rainy days I take these out and say, “Alright kids, have fun.” That’s about what I can manage. I tried some cut-out construction paper hearts for Valentine’s Day and they were pretty much a disaster. But I would never dream of turning that around and say, “I’m actually a better mom than all those crafty moms on Pinterest because I’m making my kids be more imaginative.” I’d love to be able to do that stuff! Who would I be kidding?! But it’s just not my strength. And housekeeping isn’t for some people, and that’s fine too as long as we’re all making an effort to raise our kids well, IMO.

 

[Xantippe]

I should add that I think what bugs me most about the statement is the idea that one’s house should *always *be in some kind of disarray. My house is sometimes, because people live here. A house that is always immaculate is either empty or inhabited by folks with some serious problems.

My house does look messy for a significant portion of the day. But by the time the kids are in bed, the dishes are usually done, the counters are wiped down, and the toys are put away. The house still looks lived in, but it’s neat and tidy, and I make sure we don’t own so much that that isn’t possible. I don’t think that’s depriving my kids.

Now, I do understand the pressure that women, especially stay-at-home moms since we’re all presumed to have tons of free time , are under to be perfect housekeepers. We’re also under pressure to be great cooks, great at crafts, take our kids on all these trips, etc. etc. I stink at crafts. I have a box of crayons and some paper and coloring books and on rainy days I take these out and say, “Alright kids, have fun.” That’s about what I can manage. I tried some cut-out construction paper hearts for Valentine’s Day and they were pretty much a disaster. But I would never dream of turning that around and say, “I’m actually a better mom than all those crafty moms on Pinterest because I’m making my kids be more imaginative.” I’d love to be able to do that stuff! Who would I be kidding?! But it’s just not my strength. And housekeeping isn’t for some people, and that’s fine too as long as we’re all making an effort to raise our kids well, IMO.

Oooooh, your house would be so much messier if you were craftier!

I used to try all sorts of elaborate projects with toddlers from those Busy Books but I’m not quite contented to let the nice people at parents’ day out do the glitter and paint stuff with our baby.

 

[pensmama87]

Oooooh, your house would be so much messier if you were craftier!

I bet!

I do still sometimes envy the moms who manage it, though - and come to think of it, almost all of them describe themselves as messy housekeepers (though I don’t know if they really are or not because I haven’t been to all of their houses.)

Even when I was in school, I knew I would rather write an essay than do another collage or diorama. I’m not looking forward to the middle school projects you post about sometimes.

I used to try all sorts of elaborate projects with toddlers from those Busy Books but I’m not quite contented to let the nice people at parents’ day out do the glitter and paint stuff with our baby.

This thought did cross my mind with my oldest going to preschool next year! I am content to occasionally attempt things that are easier to clean up. Making our own play dough is about the messiest I get, besides letting the 4 year old “help” make waffle batter.

 

[Xantippe]

I bet!

I do still sometimes envy the moms who manage it, though - and come to think of it, almost all of them describe themselves as messy housekeepers (though I don’t know if they really are or not because I haven’t been to all of their houses.)

Crafts just unavoidably involve so much STUFF, so yeah, I’m assuming they’re not just being self-deprecating.

Even when I was in school, I knew I would rather write an essay than do another collage or diorama. I’m not looking forward to the middle school projects you post about sometimes.
**
Maybe it will no longer be trendy when it’s your kids’ turn to run the middle school gauntlet?

When I was in high school, the worst it got was sugar cube castles.
**