Just broke up with pro-choice girlfriend

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axlcinema

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Hey guys,

Kind of going through a rough patch at the moment as I just broke up with my girlfriend. She’s a wonderful girl, we me in work, share all our friends and both have very similar interests. I’m posting today really just to get some feedback on what happened because I feel gutted about it, I’ve broken some poor girls heart.

We’d been dating for about 6 months and for the most part it was been great, we’d been on holiday together and I taught her to snowboard, it was great but recently though some things have started to bother me. The first is that though she said she would never ever have an abortion, she doesn’t think it’s right to restrict someone else from getting one. Being Catholic, that obviously doesn’t sit well with me. We talked about it a bit, she said if we ever had kids she would be willing to raise them Catholic, bring them to Mass and teach them that abortion is wrong, I’m not sure how I feel about that.

The other thing thats been bugging me and I should have been smarter before we got involved because I knew her mum was gay, It wasn’t wise to ignore this and I felt really ****** when I told her I’d have to teach my kids that that was wrong. This conversation went on for hours and I had to walk away from her in the end, I probably should have argued more that abortion was wrong and try and convince her so, I don’t think i’d get anywhere on the second topic.

I feel horrible, I’ve never done that before, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, she told me she loved me and would do anything for me.

I’m just looking for some advice really, I don’t know what to do.
 
I feel your pain and understand your situation, I really do.

Perhaps you should focus more on your conscience and understand why those feelings are popping out right now, but do it right: confess, go to communion, then find a quiet spot in the church to meditate about everything that happened. Talk to a priest before that, if you think it could be useful.

Most of the disorientation that we feel during our lives in times like this comes from that fact that we are just humans, but we forget about our limitations too often. We try to reason the world all by ourselves and then all we get is lots of pain and frustration instead. We are too limited to see the whole picture.

What you might need right now is help from God so that He makes you see the whole picture, and lead your actions in the right directions.

There is a jaculatory prayer that I use all the time, which goes like this:

“Lord, let me see.”

Short, simple and straight. Try something like that. Ask God to give your better understanding.

God bless you and watch over you!
 
I understand.
One of my girlfriends spent 3 years in a relationship with a young man only to find that they could not agree to those large issues, like pro-life/children/money/morals.

When they broke up and she was upset, she told me that she felt she “wasted 3 years.” He was a good guy, but their relationship was never destined to go the distance.

I know it hurts right now, but you did do that girl a favour.
You think these issues are important now, just wait until you’re married! These topics could literally ruin a marriage.
That’s why it’s so important you marry someone who believes the same things you do, at least about the BIG topics.
Which I would consider:
  • Religion
  • Children yes/no
  • Money/Finances
  • Is there going to be a breadwinner?/Does she want to be a SAHM?/Do you want to be married to a SAHM?
  • And depending on how strongly you feel about it - Politics.
  • Also sex should be discussed. I know it’s difficult to talk about, bot my husband and I remained virgins until our wedding, but it’s important to discuss what your/her expectations are about sex, mostly what your (percieved) sex-drives are and how often.
    I’ve read soooo many threads about married couples that have serious relationship issues because of sex. (she/he wants more/less etc)
Sending you my prayers and comfort.

Peace,
  • PetiteFoi
 
Contrary to what movies and most people will tell you, love is not enough. Compatibility on major moral issues like these is critical to making a lifelong exclusive relationship work.

It may not have gone as well as you might have wished, but in the end, this is probably the right thing. Every experience we have teaches us something, and you sound like you’re learning from this.

It’s sad, but let her go and move on. You both deserve to find someone you can build a life with, and it doesn’t sound like you can be that for each other.
 
I must respectfully disagree with enporter that axlcinema has need to confess anything as a sin. Seeking spiritual guidance for dealing with the grief over a relationship that didn’t work out if he feels a need for it, but not sin.

Why not? Because there is nothing in his post to indicate that he was not simply following the principles that courtship is all about - getting to know someone to discern whether they would be a suitable spouse. He came to a realization that this young lady would not be the right person for him. The fact that breaking up upset her is sad but he is not “guilty” of sin because she has upset feelings. He can pray for her that her pain will lessen in time, but no sin was committed that I can see. In fact, it is doing someone a favor to be honest rather than stringing them along.

I once dated a guy for quite some time and there were other issues as well that led to the demise of the relationship - but not being “on the same page” about Catholic worship and moral issues was part of the reason it was best that we broke up. Long ago I realized that for me, my boyfriend or possible husband being pro-choice would be a deal breaker. Even if it was very difficult to let go and there were other positive things in the relationship, I just would find it too spiritually and emotionally painful to live each day with the knowledge that the man I love would not have complete respect for human life from conception to natural death.

In the Bible too it says to not be “unequally yoked” and this can be interpreted broadly or narrowly - it’s a theological truth, but it can also be great psychological wisdom. Oil and water don’t mix.

Breakups stink. But eventually time passes and life returns to normal and usually one realizes the right decision was made, that greater unhappiness was avoided by being willing to endure temporary pain. :sad_yes:
 
It’s normal for you to feel compassion for your girlfriend and the hurt the breakup is causing her, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t do the right thing. This probably wouldn’t have been a good relationship for you to continue with. Someone is going to flame me for saying so, I’m sure. I’m not saying there is zero chance it could have worked out, just that there is a much higher probability of you having perpetual marital strife, horrendous family life strife, or you being slowly led away from your faith. Besides, I’m a firm believer that no matter how faithful a person is, there are going to be moments in their life where they become weak or doubtful. This is the human condition. It’s at these moments when a person needs their spouse to lift them up and motivate them to keep the faith. They certainly don’t need a spouse that is secretly hoping they will just give up on the “religion thing” just this once to make life easier. That’s why I highly recommend that one does not marry someone who isn’t Catholic or faithful to the Church.
 
Sorry you feel so badly. I admire your strength of conviction. Prayer is the only way to go from here. Put God and His opinion first. He is the one to go to for your hugs and sympathy. Personally I spend too much time worrying about what other people will think. I hope you can avoid that trap.
:hug1:
 
You did the right thing, in a timely manner. Of course there are hurt feelings but that’s the risk you take in courtship as you find out more about the person. Hearts do get broken. From what you said, it seems that you treated her like a lady and you had major differences that would warrant not continuing. Thank you for not going on for some years, sleeping with her, using birth control, etc, just to say that maybe this won’t work out after all. I hope that you were a good example by the way you conducted yourself being a Christian and a Catholic that would distinguish you from other young men. What would be a wonderful witness for her and a blessing to leave her with. You did make the right decision.

One comment on ‘agreeing to raise the children Catholic’. That just couldn’t happen. She wouldn’t understand what that even means. (In a similar way, I could not promise to raise a family to be Jewish. I wouldn’t have a clue) A faithful Catholic wife and mother brings such a Christian richness to marriage and family life, it’s really like comparing night and day. Same with a faithful Catholic man. They are a strength to each other, a true united team going through life together, bringing God with them.

God bless and strengthen you both to continue on.
 
I tend to agree with what Allegra says. For the record, I’m not seeing it in terms of a compulsion to dump someone who’s not 100% pro-life at this very moment, but at the same time I just couldn’t imagine being in a relationship marred by it (although I’ve been in one).

I’ve been there too. The closest I had to a fiancée broke up with me in similar circumstances (except I was the Catholic), and also the kindest lady I ever met, and in quite epic circumstances at that, was a soon to be medical doctor specialising in neonatology… and accepting the “right to choice”. To be honest, I still haven’t collected myself from those experiences (2007 and 2008 respectively or was it late 2007 too), it’s hard but heh, staying true to your beliefs, to yourself, staying true to anything for that matter, isn’t supposed to be easy. And life isn’t about easy, anyway.
 
3DOCTORS said:
I must respectfully disagree with enporter that axlcinema has need to confess anything as a sin. Seeking spiritual guidance for dealing with the grief over a relationship that didn’t work out if he feels a need for it, but not sin.

Why not? Because there is nothing in his post to indicate that he was not simply following the principles that courtship is all about - getting to know someone to discern whether they would be a suitable spouse. He came to a realization that this young lady would not be the right person for him. The fact that breaking up upset her is sad but he is not “guilty” of sin because she has upset feelings. He can pray for her that her pain will lessen in time, but no sin was committed that I can see. In fact, it is doing someone a favor to be honest rather than stringing them along.

I once dated a guy for quite some time and there were other issues as well that led to the demise of the relationship - but not being “on the same page” about Catholic worship and moral issues was part of the reason it was best that we broke up. Long ago I realized that for me, my boyfriend or possible husband being pro-choice would be a deal breaker. Even if it was very difficult to let go and there were other positive things in the relationship, I just would find it too spiritually and emotionally painful to live each day with the knowledge that the man I love would not have complete respect for human life from conception to natural death.

In the Bible too it says to not be “unequally yoked” and this can be interpreted broadly or narrowly - it’s a theological truth, but it can also be great psychological wisdom. Oil and water don’t mix.

Breakups stink. But eventually time passes and life returns to normal and usually one realizes the right decision was made, that greater unhappiness was avoided by being willing to endure temporary pain. :sad_yes:
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Oh, but I didn’t mean that he should confess because of some presumed sin regarding his relationship. In fact, he gave no clues about that in his post.

I just believe that when you need to settle your conscience about something that is bothering you, it just makes it easier if you are in a state of grace. At least that is what I do when I am about to ask God for guidance: big conscience examination, then confession, then meditation.

Of course, only he can examine his own conscience and figure out if confession is needed or not. Perhaps it isn’t, but it is always good to remember this extraordinary sacrament that Christ left for us.

Confession: The first sacrament that people object when they become catholics, the last they would give up if they had to leave! 😃
 
Focus on this main question when determining a person’s “marriage-material-ness”:

If something happened to me, would the person raise my kids right?

The answer to that question will determine a lot of things. Would that person continue to raise your children Catholic if something happened to you? Would the person teach your children the proper morals and values if you were no longer around?

If you can say “yes” to those things you have probably found the right one.
 
Iheartcoffee said:
Focus on this main question when determining a person’s “marriage-material-ness”:

If something happened to me, would the person raise my kids right?

The answer to that question will determine a lot of things. Would that person continue to raise your children Catholic if something happened to you? Would the person teach your children the proper morals and values if you were no longer around?

If you can say “yes” to those things you have probably found the right one.
Click to expand...
Makes a lot of sense to me!
 
Better to do it now than later, if in fact you two are unable to agree on serious moral issues. Breaking up only gets harder the longer you are with someone.
 
3DOCTORS said:
Breakups stink. But eventually time passes and life returns to normal and usually one realizes the right decision was made, that greater unhappiness was avoided by being willing to endure temporary pain. :sad_yes:
Click to expand...
Well put. I don’t think it is very common to have a nice, friendly breakup, hug after everything is said and part as friends. When feelings are involved people get hurt. You have done the right thing. She fill find someone more suitable, and so will you. I’m sure this experience has taught you how important it is to figure things out before getting serious with someone. I applaud you for being able to put your faith first and let it guide you in these matters. That takes a lot of maturity.
 
eonporter said:
Oh, but I didn’t mean that he should confess because of some presumed sin regarding his relationship. In fact, he gave no clues about that in his post.

**I just believe that when you need to settle your conscience about something that is bothering you, it just makes it easier if you are in a state of grace. At least that is what I do when I am about to ask God for guidance: big conscience examination, then confession, then meditation.
**
Of course, only he can examine his own conscience and figure out if confession is needed or not. Perhaps it isn’t, but it is always good to remember this extraordinary sacrament that Christ left for us.

Confession: The first sacrament that people object when they become catholics, the last they would give up if they had to leave! 😃
Click to expand...
Oh, okay! I get it now! 🙂 That’s an excellent idea! Will have to remember it! 👍 I need to get in the habit of more frequent confessions again - this is a good incentive. We tend to forget how many graces the sacrament brings and how those help us deal with so many of life’s challenges. Thanks for sharing!
 
“To thine own self be true.” Anything but the truth will only end in destruction. God bless you for your high values and for a firm desire to follow the teachings of His Son, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. No compromise. It is what it is.
 
Speaking from painful experience that I still live every day - prioritize the big issues and make them front and center in your courting.

You don’t have to agree on all of them, but you should work through them all in great detail so that there are no surprises or unsaid things when an engagement happens.

You don’t want to be 22 years into a marriage and discover that one of you is not really OK with the other one being staunchly pro-choice…
 
I thank you all for your feedback, you’ve all been very supportive. My secular friends don’t get it, they think I’m crazy and I was starting to wonder if maybe I was, so it’s been good to hear from like minded Christians.

She still keeps contacting me and I think I should focus on trying to make it a clean break. The day after I first posted this thread, she kept messaging me and asking more questions, she was telling me she could change if only I had faith in her to give her a chance. I didn’t know what to do, it was tough hearing her speak like that so I asked if she wanted to come to Mass with me. She came and never spoke once, the sermon was about death and new beginnings and I think she cried during part of it, I almost did too. I’m not sure if I was stupid of what, she text me later that evening and told me it was hard but it as good for her to hear. Then later again she messaged me, she’d been researching the faith and asking why I hadn’t shared this with her. It’s so hard because I miss just talking and cooking with her and now she seems broken and I hate that I’ve done that, I pray she heals quickly.
 
That you have a Christian love for this female, as indicated by a genuine concern for her, is a good thing. I am not certain there is anything you can do to remove her pain though. Take comfort in this. You ending the relationship because of your fidelity to God may cause her to reflect on her own beliefs. Many holy and learned individuals have stated setting a good example is the most effective method of bringing others to God.

Many agree a clean break is often best; may be very hard for her, and you, to heal without time and distance from the cause of the wound. If you believe this is true here, please do right by her and compassionately, but bluntly state the need to cease interaction (texts, calls, emails, etc). Then, follow your own advice.

I commend you for doing the right thing.
 
PetiteFoi said:
I understand.
One of my girlfriends spent 3 years in a relationship with a young man only to find that they could not agree to those large issues, like pro-life/children/money/morals.

When they broke up and she was upset, she told me that she felt she “wasted 3 years.” He was a good guy, but their relationship was never destined to go the distance.

I know it hurts right now, but you did do that girl a favour.
You think these issues are important now, just wait until you’re married! These topics could literally ruin a marriage.
That’s why it’s so important you marry someone who believes the same things you do, at least about the BIG topics.
Which I would consider:
  • Religion
  • Children yes/no
  • Money/Finances
  • Is there going to be a breadwinner?/Does she want to be a SAHM?/Do you want to be married to a SAHM?
  • And depending on how strongly you feel about it - Politics.
  • Also sex should be discussed. I know it’s difficult to talk about, bot my husband and I remained virgins until our wedding, but it’s important to discuss what your/her expectations are about sex, mostly what your (percieved) sex-drives are and how often.
    I’ve read soooo many threads about married couples that have serious relationship issues because of sex. (she/he wants more/less etc)
Sending you my prayers and comfort.

Peace,
  • PetiteFoi
Click to expand...
you win, just what is a SAHM?
 
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