Just feel emotionally empty after annulment followed by a romantic dissapointment

[beehumble]

Okay, in my opinion then, he’s definitely not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. It’s sad that bad things happened to him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he has a completely self-centered attitude toward relationships with women, and yours specifically.

Please don’t settle for anything less than a man who makes you feel truly special. :hug3:

If he can’t get past his past, and treat you better, time to make him part of your past.

He has a hangup or is making an excuse. When I was dating, and I cared for the girl/woman, I brought her around to friends/family, happily letting them know she was someone special to me.

My grandson happily brought his girlfriend to our Thanksgiving gathering.

You yourself sense something is wrong, because from what you said it sounds like there is, to me.

Be careful, and back away slowly, and leave him. Don’t settle.

That is my opinion, based on what you said.

God bless you.

 

[beehumble]

Two thoughts as to possibilities, although maybe remote since I do not really know the situation:

1. He is divorced, and had to split things with his wife, and is concerned then about another divorce should he marry you, meaning he has to split his split again - so he is leery of letting things get too serious since it could impact his retirement security.
2. He does not believe that you really want to be together as man and wife - he thinks you like things to be kept at a distance and ‘hidden’. (Don’t rush off and do something rash with this man just to show him how serious you are!) After all, you’ve never complained - to him - when he keeps you ‘hidden’ in front of his friends, so what is he to think? Maybe he thinks you want to keep it secret, that you don’t want others to know because you are not serious enough about him.

The answer, before leaving him and regretting it later because you never asked him:
talk, FRANKLY, about it - ask him directly (instead of us) why he keeps you at a distance when around friends. Go from there: if he asks if that bothers you, be honest and tell him yes it does, and you thought you were more than that, and want it to be more than that.
In fact no matter what he says, or if he stares like a deer in the headlights, be sure to let him know you want it to be more than that.

If he says he does not, then ask if he is concerned about finances or just not sure about you. If it is the latter, he is not sure, than tell him you don’t want to see him too much anymore.

If he says he would like it to be more than that too, than you’ve got something - so then see how he acts with you in front of his friends etc - if he shows more affection in front of them, then maybe you got something there!

I would not let it go and always wonder, without directly bringing it to a head. Life is too short for that, and none of us are getting any younger.

If you want him, fight for him, give it your best shot, ask him directly these things. Only then will you know. It might hurt, or it might be one of the happiest moments of your life (and his, too). You’ll only know if you ask. Suck it up and go for it!

God bless you.

 

[Xantippe]

mellowcalico said:

“He just said he “didn’t want to get hurt.” I am the one who feels that he sees me as “not worth it.” I know his history and he’s been broken hearted before. His fiancee left him right after he proposed–that was 8 years ago and he hasn’t had a girlfriend since. Before that he had a string of girlfriends who left him (or cheated on him) as well. The reason they gave him was, “he was too good for them.” I found this out when I told him a few months ago that I thought he was a good man and he became upset with me for saying that… then he explained why. He told me to never call him a good man. I haven’t since then.
But I’ll tell you what, he has a way of making a woman feel insignificant, like they aren’t “good enough” for him. It’s exactly how I feel now–I am not good enough and never will be. So I have to be a secret. Maybe he did the same thing to those past girlfriends that he’s doing to me now. (Although I should note, I am not his girlfriend. In his words, he doesn’t know what I am other than “special”).”

Yeah, I have to say that the past girlfriend history sounds very fishy. He’s a nice guy who just happens to have been dumped over and over and over? It is very possible that what happens is that he does this lame no labels routine that he has been using on you and then they dump him, but if so, he’s essentially orchestrated it.

Figure out what you need to see from him to feel respected and ask for it, but definitely don’t beg, don’t let him waste your time, and don’t drag him kicking and screaming into official status. You want him to declare you official because he’s crazy about you and that’s what he wants more than anything.

Dating somebody should make you happy, and you don’t sound happy.

 

[Mayita30]

Dear OP,

I am also undergoing an annulment and if there is one thing I have learned from relationship is to stay away from guys who have the VICTIM MENTALITY. Most of the times, although they portray themselves as the victims, they themselves are victims of their own selves and their own selfishness.

Please research on co-dependent relationships.

Here is what I suggest and this has been suggested to me by my mother once I have my annulment:

1. Do not close your door on this guy but also give yourself a chance to meet other guys.
2. Focus on yourself and start picking up the pieces not through a relationship but through self improvement. Do you like to study? volunteer ? work ? expose yourself so you get to meet a lot of people

In my case, I went to zumba classes, I taught a class to abandoned pregnant women , I learned how to make jewelries…the list goes on…

It is an up and down feeling. Sometimes I get sad, happy…all mixed emtion but all we can do is move on and trust in the Lord.

 

[Xantippe]

Mayita30 said:

“I am also undergoing an annulment and if there is one thing I have learned from relationship is to stay away from guys who have the VICTIM MENTALITY. Most of the times, although they portray themselves as the victims, they themselves are victims of their own selves and their own selfishness.”

Yep.

 

[Sereta]

Do you believe he’s sincere in his feelings towards you?

 

[Caroline723]

I too was in a relationship for about 18 months, where it felt like we were dating in secret because in public he acted like we were casual friends (I volunteered at his place of employment). I understood his wanting to keep things private at first, as I like my privacy too, but when we were both saying “i love you” in private, and having more serious conversations about the future, it became a source of pain and insecurity on my part when he’d go out with his friends without me or never bring me home to meet his family (I would see them only at functions). Your joke about being his mistress is truly how I felt he treated me publicly.

It turns out my ex didn’t have serious feelings for me, was waiting for me to end it, and figured it would be less messy if no one knew we were dating to begin with. I think most guys know when they have met “the one”.

This guy sounds like a perpetual bachelor and someone who is emotionally immature, with romantic ideals of love and relationships but unable to have a real relationship. Frankly, no one takes 8 years to recuperate from the worst breakup.

We tend to repeat relationship patterns until we recognize them and understand what we keeps attracting us. It’s interesting you see comparisons between both of these guys. One thing about both of these guys - it sounds like you are/were the pursuer, because they both gave you reasons to be insecure. No guy is ever going to give you greater respect than you show yourself. Whoever said that you shouldn’t settle for anything less than someone who makes you feel special, publicly and privately, is absolutely right.

 

[LongingSoul]

I am also undergoing an annulment and if there is one thing I have learned from relationship is to stay away from guys who have the VICTIM MENTALITY. Most of the times, although they portray themselves as the victims, they themselves are victims of their own selves and their own selfishness.

Please research on co-dependent relationships.

This is true. If he is regarding you with mistrust when you haven’t done a thing to warrant mistrust, then he isn’t going to change without some serious counselling and self evaluation. If you start establishing a pattern of allowing him to treat you shabbily because of his own baggage… that isn’t just going to magically change with time. Imagine you yourself having all the nice relationship romance behind closed doors, but keeping a guy at a frosty arms length in front of your friends. No way would you be so cruel.

Don’t fall for the premise that if you give him time, in due course he’ll learn to trust you. That’s just not going to happen.

 

[underacloud]

“romantic dissapointment”? Well, you’ve re-entered the world of dating, so there’s always a strong risk of this happening.

This guy sounds too damaged/ immature/ insecure/ indecisive to bother with, but you seem to find a lot of good qualities in him too. The bottom line is that for any relationship to work, both parties need to take the risk that it won’t work and that you’ll end up with a broken heart. Until he’s ready to take that risk, leave him alone.

And I’d definitely give yourself the chance to meet other men. And don’t hide that from this man. He has no right to expect you to wait around for him.

 

[mellowcalico]

Thanks again for the words of advice.

I just want to be clear, I am not asking this man to commit to marrying me. Right now, I am just trying to figure out if, indeed, we are boyfriend and girlfriend–if we are indeed dating. Baby steps if you will. I have talked to him frankly about it and that’s how I got the “take things slow” “but you are special to me” answer.

I think everyone here is right in that I should be looking for other men. My heart isn’t in it though. I think I will take a “wait and see if I happen to meet someone” for now. After the 6 months of giving him a chance (while working on rediscovering myself), then I will cut ties and completely move on. Maybe then I will join a Catholic dating site or something then. I am in no rush. I think that was my mistake when I married in the first place… a feeling of being rushed to marry before I got “too old” and marrying someone I didn’t fully know. Yes, I see myself as being part of that problem too. I just don’t blame my Ex for deceiving me. I think the annulment process helped me to see that.

Anyway, I guess if anything, I am itchy to love and be loved. 13-years of a marriage where I wasn’t loved (he “couldn’t” love me since he wasn’t attracted to women). Followed by just over three and a half years of separation, divorce, waiting for annulment, I suppose I feel like I am ready for love.

To answer another question, I do think his feelings towards me are sincere, I just don’t understand why he feels it needs to be hidden. Us dating isn’t doing anything wrong. Unless I am being too trusting. I guess it’s hard for me to believe that a man I’ve known for years as basically a good man is suddenly “underhanded” when it comes to love. I don’t think he’s hurting me on purpose. Unless he has a Jekyll and Hyde personalty that I’ve somehow missed over the years, it has to be some kind of baggage for him when it comes to love and trusting love… and I can’t remove that burden from him. Only he can work though that himself.

And to answer another question… yes, I am the pursuer and was in my marriage too. Something about me attracts shy men. I’ve had just as many men who had “crushes” on me in the past/wanted to ask me out but where too shy as I’ve had boyfriends… and they are the ones I’ve found out about! I am not unattractive or anything, but I am somehow unapproachable to the men who find me attractive. I’ve tried being friendly and engaging. But that never worked. So I started doing the approaching. It’s a gamble if it works out or not. I am not sure what else I can do in that regard. Maybe online dating (when I am ready for it) will help solve that problem.

 

[Annie39]

Thanks again for the words of advice.

I just want to be clear, I am not asking this man to commit to marrying me. Right now, I am just trying to figure out if, indeed, we are boyfriend and girlfriend–if we are indeed dating. Baby steps if you will. I have talked to him frankly about it and that’s how I got the “take things slow” “but you are special to me” answer.

I think everyone here is right in that I should be looking for other men. My heart isn’t in it though. I think I will take a “wait and see if I happen to meet someone” for now. After the 6 months of giving him a chance (while working on rediscovering myself), then I will cut ties and completely move on. Maybe then I will join a Catholic dating site or something then. I am in no rush. I think that was my mistake when I married in the first place… a feeling of being rushed to marry before I got “too old” and marrying someone I didn’t fully know. Yes, I see myself as being part of that problem too. I just don’t blame my Ex for deceiving me. I think the annulment process helped me to see that.

Anyway, I guess if anything, I am itchy to love and be loved. 13-years of a marriage where I wasn’t loved (he “couldn’t” love me since he wasn’t attracted to women). Followed by just over three and a half years of separation, divorce, waiting for annulment, I suppose I feel like I am ready for love.

To answer another question, I do think his feelings towards me are sincere, I just don’t understand why he feels it needs to be hidden. Us dating isn’t doing anything wrong. Unless I am being too trusting. I guess it’s hard for me to believe that a man I’ve known for years as basically a good man is suddenly “underhanded” when it comes to love. I don’t think he’s hurting me on purpose. Unless he has a Jekyll and Hyde personalty that I’ve somehow missed over the years, it has to be some kind of baggage for him when it comes to love and trusting love… and I can’t remove that burden from him. Only he can work though that himself.

And to answer another question… yes, I am the pursuer and was in my marriage too. Something about me attracts shy men. I’ve had just as many men who had “crushes” on me in the past/wanted to ask me out but where too shy as I’ve had boyfriends… and they are the ones I’ve found out about! I am not unattractive or anything, but I am somehow unapproachable to the men who find me attractive. I’ve tried being friendly and engaging. But that never worked. So I started doing the approaching. It’s a gamble if it works out or not. I am not sure what else I can do in that regard. Maybe online dating (when I am ready for it) will help solve that problem.

I raised 3 boys so I have an insight or two about men who are too shy to ask someone like you out and I thought that I would share. Are you very pretty perhaps beautiful? If so those who are too shy to ask you out may believe that you are “out of their league” so to speak as one son once told me about one girl he was attracted to. The son who told me this is not really shy at all but he is average in the looks department.

Annie

 

[VivienneJ]

The going slow doesn’t bother me so much except that it’s not really true. Things have moved pretty quickly since the annulment, but only in private. In public (meaning in front of his friends) it’s as if we are just friends still. He takes me out on public dates though (to restaurants and such) but it’s always secret and far from his friends. Or we go to his place, cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. The secrecy bothers me.

But I’ll tell you what, he has a way of making a woman feel insignificant, like they aren’t “good enough” for him. It’s exactly how I feel now–I am not good enough and never will be. So** I have to be a secret**. Maybe he did the same thing to those past girlfriends that he’s doing to me now. (Although I should note, I am not his girlfriend. In his words, he doesn’t know what I am other than “special”).

And why do I have to be a secret? His friends are already pressuring me asking me if there is anything between us. Luckily, I’ve been able to satisfy them with a half joke saying, “I am not his girlfriend…I’m his mistress. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.”

I’ll let him control the pace, and give him more time. That’s fair enough and I can do that and think he’s worth it. But it’s also not fair to me either to wait indefinitely–it hurts. Sure, his feelings are being spared, but it’s tearing apart my own. My heart feels broken now–every time he acts like I don’t matter at all–and my attraction to him is fading because of it–and that I can’t help or control.

Mellowcalico, I am so glad that you have your annulment and can begin to move forward to whatever the future holds for you.

I am concerned about what is a big issue for you, as you will see from the bits I bolded from three of your posts here, the secrecy of this ‘relationship’. I have been in a ‘relationship’ with someone who kept me a secret, it hurts, it hurts a lot. In hindsight, I think he was waiting for me to end it, in the same way as Caroline describes here:

I too was in a relationship for about 18 months, where it felt like we were dating in secret because in public he acted like we were casual friends (I volunteered at his place of employment). I understood his wanting to keep things private at first, as I like my privacy too, but when we were both saying “i love you” in private, and having more serious conversations about the future, it became a source of pain and insecurity on my part when he’d go out with his friends without me or never bring me home to meet his family (I would see them only at functions). Your joke about being his mistress is truly how I felt he treated me publicly.

It turns out my ex didn’t have serious feelings for me, was waiting for me to end it, and figured it would be less messy if no one knew we were dating to begin with. I think most guys know when they have met “the one”.

For now, I guess I will focus on prayer, exercise and reading. All my hobbies seem to be outdoor, summer hobbies (probably doesn’t help my current “blues”). You know what I really need? A vacation or a quiet retreat someplace to just clear my head and my heart.

^^This sounds like a good idea. Focus on yourself and your relationship with God. But also, have in your mind, as you seem to have, a date whereby this man needs to have made a decision. I deeply regret the years I wasted on the man I dated. Not that I might have met someone else, but that the stagnant relationship stilted my personal development.

Loving is always risky, each person has to decide if the chance of a fulfilling mutual relationship is worth the risk of being hurt.

 

[mellowcalico]

Thanks again

I actually feel better this week as I’ve been starting to “let go” of him emotionally (AKA stopped worrying about it) and I’ve joined a few meetup groups to make a few new friends as well and get myself “out” more. I think that helps. I wish I could find a good Catholic singles group… although I did find a “Gen X” Episcopal group that looks promising.

To answer Annie’s question first, no, I am not physically beautiful. I think I am average looking. I do look young for my age (I am told that a lot) and I take good care of myself. So that’s all I have going for me looks wise.* People so just seem to like me and I make friends easily. Then again, I pretty much like everyone I meet. A friend once told me I have the personalty of a golden retriever, lol.

I’ve met all of this man’s friends… and they tell him that they think I am a “very nice lady.” They seem to like me as well and are always friendly towards me. I think they know something is going on though–I just get that vibe from them. And his employees seem to like me as well. But friends and employers only know me as “his friend.” Nothing more.

VivienneJ- It does hurt. That’s my main problem with it all–it makes me feel like something is wrong with me or I am not good enough for him. He’s known me as a person for several years… he knows my character. And he’s been flirting with me for over a year and when the annulment came and I opened up to him more romantically… well, things seemed to take off. But now he seems to be cold and uninterested. As far as I know, there is no one else in his life. I almost wish I didn’t have that “what is the nature of our relationship” talk with him. I wonder if I ruined it by asking. But at the same time, I needed to know. I don’t want to hurt him (or myself) by assuming what we have is something different than what it is.

I am trying not to take it to heart. I have a date in mind–6 months. It gives him a reasonable amount of time to make up his mind (if that’s what he’s doing) and it gives me a clear date so I don’t feel like I am being strung along forever by a non-committal man.

• Back to the age thing. It occurred to me, when I posted a private message to someone that this might be an issue. This man is 14 years older than me. Despite that, we have a lot of things in common (we share the same hobbies–we met though a shared hobby, like the same writers, like the same music, and same TV shows for the most part). We share similar political, social, and economic values and have the same gender role expectations. We even like the same foods for the most part. There are subtle differences too, we aren’t exactly alike after all. But I am saying there is a reason we were friends first.

Anyway, he is 14-years older than me and he looks his age. He’s retired military and spent a lot of time outside and in some harsh environments (and he seemed to age a lot after Iraq–not sure if it was sun, stress, or both). My whole life I’ve been told I look younger than my age (and I have taken care of my health including my skin my whole life, so that helps I am sure). So, I wonder if that can be a hangup for him–not just the actual age difference, but the perceived age difference.

 

[Xantippe]

mellowcalico said:

“I wonder if I ruined it by asking.”

No way. You’ve known him long enough that it’s not an unreasonable question.