Just found out Best Friends are "swingers"?!

[Mrs_Sally]

Well, just got back from speaking with them this evening. They invited my husband and I over for dinner.

First, in response to some posters - The only reason it would make me uncomfortable is that I have a lot of barriers I put up between myself and other people, for my own emotional comfort. Being propositioned by strangers doesn’t phase me, I have a lot of barriers in the way. But these are my close friends, who I have let down a lot of my guard around. I let down my guard because I felt safe around them. This made me question that feeling of safety.

My husband and I went over for dinner tonight, and they made it pretty clear that they’d left the thread up intentionally, because they wanted my husband and I to consider swinging with them.

I’m not sure how to react right now. I mean, I’m obviously not going to do it, but I am very uncomfortable.

I’m sorry to hear that they outright propositioned you. They have broken off your friendship. It is hard to replace friends you see that often and who live nearby. Give yourself permission to grieve the friendship but be firm that the trust is broken and you can never be friends like that again. Certainly you will still be polite when you see them on the street.

I’ll pray for you.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Well, just got back from speaking with them this evening. They invited my husband and I over for dinner.

First, in response to some posters - The only reason it would make me uncomfortable is that I have a lot of barriers I put up between myself and other people, for my own emotional comfort. Being propositioned by strangers doesn’t phase me, I have a lot of barriers in the way. But these are my close friends, who I have let down a lot of my guard around. I let down my guard because I felt safe around them. This made me question that feeling of safety.

My husband and I went over for dinner tonight, and they made it pretty clear that they’d left the thread up intentionally, because they wanted my husband and I to consider swinging with them.

I’m not sure how to react right now. I mean, I’m obviously not going to do it, but I am very uncomfortable.

I’m not sure how you could even consider anything other than cutting ties with them. Growing up, we had a neighbor we eventually found out were swingers. My parents cut ties with them but another of our friends didn’t. They figured that if they never gave into their propositions then everything was okay. Their kids ended up being exposed to all sorts of things they never should have.

Additionally, I’ve been in several situations where people who were involved with things that I was opposed to “accidentally” let me know about it in the hopes of getting me involved as well. Not once did any of them, after I objected, just let it lie. The topic kept coming up and they continually pressured me to accept or try whatever it was they were trying to coerce me into. The only thing that worked was cutting ties with them completely.

 

[Demetra2]

Sadly, I do think that swinging is more common than people realize. My college age daughter was working as tour guide at a farm when some of the other guides started talking about their involvement in this activity. These were middle aged upper class women! My daughter felt they were trying to see if she was “interested” in a threesome. Yikes! While it may be appropriate to give them the benefit of the doubt I would be cautious especially if you have young children.
This may be a call for you to make your faith more obvious in your home and in your speech. And to seriously pray for them because probably nobody else is. Don’t be shy about expressing your faith. Have you considered inviting them to Mass with you? Perhaps a church activity? This may be a blessing in disguise for all concerned in terms of protection for you and possible salvation for them.

 

[MJJean]

Would you appreciate if your husband had a female friend and she proposed him for sex? Would you trust her around your husband any longer?

It’s happened. He turned her down. And said female friend isn’t a person I need to trust. The person I need to trust is my husband. The reality is that there are going to be people who proposition him. Friends, co-workers, cashiers, the drive through crew member at Burger King, etc. etc.The friendship between the woman who propositioned my DH ended for other reasons, but that is not the same thing. This swinger couple doesn’t want to have sex with only the OP or only her husband. They aren’t trying to get one spouse to lie and sneak around on the other. They are openly asking if both spouses want to swing.

Among swingers, openness and honesty are very important. Their moral code is different from ours. Swingers see being married as a lifetime commitment, but not necessarily a monogamous one. Most swingers don’t believe that monogamy is a natural state for humans. They don’t see having sex with someone other than one’s spouse as cheating since both spouses are aware and agree to what is going on.They see nothing immoral in non-monogamy provided everyone is on the same page and the activity is on the up and up. Swingers see lying to be the heinous offence against the marriage and lying to be the worst betrayal.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not sure how you could even consider anything other than cutting ties with them. Growing up, we had a neighbor we eventually found out were swingers. My parents cut ties with them but another of our friends didn’t. They figured that if they never gave into their propositions then everything was okay. Their kids ended up being exposed to all sorts of things they never should have.

Additionally, I’ve been in several situations where people who were involved with things that I was opposed to “accidentally” let me know about it in the hopes of getting me involved as well. Not once did any of them, after I objected, just let it lie. The topic kept coming up and they continually pressured me to accept or try whatever it was they were trying to coerce me into. The only thing that worked was cutting ties with them completely.

Unless the couple backpedalled mightily and apologized all over themselves for getting the wrong idea about the OP and her husband, showing that they were very concerned about having given offense by such a proposition and so on, I would also predict that continuing pressure is likely. I would certainly cut off ties for the immediate future, even if there was a lot of apologizing. The message must be sent that the proposition was highly offensive and totally unacceptable behavior. As for what comes beyond that, well, perhaps they will repent and the relationship can be re-built from the ground up. That would be far down the road, though.

Sadly, if I had to predict, I’d say that if there is an attempt at reconciliation down the line, it is most likely that a single member of this couple will be in contact some years from now, the marriage having been split up over his or her misguided attempt to go along with the spouse with insatiable sexual compulsions that required escalating novelty in a futile attempt at satisfaction. The spouse who came to his or her senses will then be attempting to rebuild at least a few of the shattered and abandoned friendships of the past.

 

[MJJean]

Sadly, if I had to predict, I’d say that if there is an attempt at reconciliation down the line, it is most likely that a single member of this couple will be in contact some years from now, the marriage having been split up over his or her misguided attempt to go along with the spouse with insatiable sexual compulsions that required escalating novelty in a futile attempt at satisfaction. The spouse who came to his or her senses will then be attempting to rebuild at least a few of the shattered and abandoned friendships of the past.

I’ve known quite a few couples who have “open marriages” and of the whole bunch only one couple is still married. They are Catholic and don’t believe in divorce, but think an open marriage is ok.

Some of the couples I know one spouse was the instigator and the other just going along with it. Some of the couples reached the conclusion they wanted an open marriage together and both were equally enthusiastic. Either way, the marriage ended.up falling apart. I’d bet your prediction is spot on.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ve known quite a few couples who have “open marriages” and of the whole bunch only one couple is still married. They are Catholic and don’t believe in divorce, but think an open marriage is ok.

Some of the couples I know one spouse was the instigator and the other just going along with it. Some of the couples reached the conclusion they wanted an open marriage together and both were equally enthusiastic. Either way, the marriage ended.up falling apart. I’d bet your prediction is spot on.

The psychologists seem to think that marriages can survive these attitudes if the original compact was predicated on sharing them, but that those couples who think that swinging will save a failing marriage are very much mistaken. It does not work that way. On that account, I’d think this is either something that close friends of such a couple are going to be confronted with sooner or later (as it is an activity that is a central feature of the couple’s relationship) or else will find that this was something that was turned to as a sort of grasping at straws when the couple did not know how to cope with disaffection, a sexual disorder in one or both of them, or boredom.

I wonder how long even the Catholic couple that does not want to abandon their vows entirely can possibly hang on. There gets to be a point where the building is gutted and only the walls remain–that is, when the work of destroying the relationship is completed, and even a peaceful coexistence for the sake of valid vows becomes very hard. Well, perhaps since they have not split and since they do see themselves as living a single life, they will repent and amend. It is not beyond hoping for!!

 

[Sarabande]

I’m jumping in late, but read the entire thread and I’m very sorry that you had to go through this. I have friends with all different kinds of beliefs and persuasions and can overlook things if it is never brought up, but I think I’d have a difficult time staying friends, especially after knowing that they purposely left the sites open for you to see and propositioned you. That’s not good.

Although I don’t personally know of any of my friends who are swingers, I did have a couple of great-uncles and great-aunts who were involved in that kind of lifestyle back in the 1950s. They were practicing Lutherans, but it was apparently the thing to do amongst “hip”, middle-class, cocktail party-goer couples at that time in their area. My grandparents were considered kill-joys and prudes because they didn’t approve of that kind of lifestyle (I think they blamed my grandmother because she was the “papist”), but it was kept very hush-hush. No one in the family found out about it until my grandmother was in her 70s and the people involved had passed from this world. It was such a scandalous thing to talk about especially in the 1950s when everything was supposedly perfect, but it somehow came up in conversation. She was still a bit embarrassed mentioning it, even speaking in almost a whisper.