Just found out my daughter is gifted, but her grades are average?

[Serap]

A ferocious work ethic can be installed in any child, gifted it not.

A child that is gifted and has a ferocious work ethic can set the world on fire.

Amen to that. I told my daughter that she is gifted and that the psychologist wants to meet with her again to explain her results in terms she can understand. We will book a meeting.

I also told her that hard work is key to success and that she was given talents that will help her accomplish things. I likened her mind to how people in her gym class can do cartwheels or hang upside down from a bar while she can’t. I told her that some people are really good at sports…some people are really good at dancing…etc. But in order to become exceptionally good, it still requires hard work, patience and practice.

 

[styrgwillidar]

A ferocious work ethic can be installed in any child, gifted it not.

A child that is gifted and has a ferocious work ethic can set the world on fire.

I don’t know if a ferocious work ethic can be installed in any child.

All three of my kids are ‘gifted’ in terms of testing at that level. Different personalities,

• Eldest grasps concepts easily and likes winging it- she avoids things though that take more effort. Every job so far though, she’s risen rapidly and worked harder than her co-workers.
• Middle kid was born with a ferocious work ethic and desire to compete, to be the best, and sees the benefit of keeping as many options open as possible. I.E. graduating with a 4.5 GPA and no criminal record gives you many more options to pursue than a 2.0 and a couple of misdemeanors (i.e.hanging with friends who may place you in the wrong place at the wrong time). Only kid that would make appointments with the teachers herself before/after school if she had an issue in elementary school. She always wants the 105% possible vice just getting the A.

*Danger to that attitude is burnout, stress she puts on herself, disappointment in herself when she isn’t perfect. If your kid is like that you really need to emphasize that life isn’t all about academics, or being perfect, that no one who was successful was successful 100% of the time. Failure with effort isn’t bad-- it’s noble, admirable and we learn from it every bit as much and perhaps more than from success. If she’s so afraid of failure she’ll never be willing to try everything she wants to. (Luckily I failed to achieve several things in my life and use them to explain that I don’t regret that at all. I would hate it far more if I never made the attempt just out of fear of failure).

• Youngest is kind of like jmcrae. He saw the stress his sister put herself under and just doesn’t see it as worth it. He doesn’t want to be that serious/invested in grades. Used to think he’s less intelligent than his sisters until he realized it was WORK and INTELLIGENCE, not just intelligence that got them the good grades. However, his attidude is if the minimum A is 92.5, then getting a 92.6 is inefficient-- he wasted that effort going beyond the minimum. As much as I’ve tried to get him to work a bit harder, put in a bit more effort for a little extra ‘cushion’ - he just doesn’t see the benefit to the ‘ferocious work effort’ in areas he’s not interested in. He will put the effort into things he is- like gaming. He’ll spend hours and do a lot of research on modding games, creating establishing and optimizing servers etc.

So for the OP, as others have said I think as a parent the best thing you can do is help them find their passions in life and assist them when possible in pursuing them. I’ve found it easier to motivate a kid to work for good grades once they’ve established that those are relevant to achieving life goals. A kid who wants to be a doctor will need to get into a good school, they’ll need a solid transcript of grades AND activities to get there.

 

[Serap]

I was earmarked as gifted several times in grade school. I don’t think my parents or teachers really had any idea about what to do with me because I was bored all throughout grade school. I was the kid who wouldn’t study, would then finish the test in half the time as the other students, ace it and spend the rest of the class reading. Without any guidance or challenges I developed very poor work habits which made the adjustment to high school rather difficult. I also had a string of bad teachers who made me lose all enthusiasm for school. As a result, I struggled tremendously throughout high school and despite all those results from my standardized and IQ tests, I was lucky to get average grades some semesters.

One piece of advice I’d give is that if you have the opportunity to challenge your daughter, let her take it. I was given the chance to enter a program in grade school that would have allowed me to take college courses and have a bachelors degree before I entered high school. It was a free program and, if I remember right, was only offered to something like 20 kids in the city. My parents were worried about how it would affect my social development so they turned it down. As a result of my struggles through high school (I didn’t regain my work ethic and figure out how to study at a high school level until my senior year) I essentially disqualified myself from any meaningful scholarships with my 3.5 years of poor to average grades.

Also, if your daughter isn’t geared for a certain skill or pastime, don’t push it on her. Not every gifted child is a _________ prodigy, so if she can’t figure out that instrument, foreign language or whatever, don’t have her take lessons for years on end expecting her to finally get it. Help her figure out what she is good at and enjoys and foster that.

THANK YOU. This is an area I have thought about a lot. I don’t want her to be socially unhappy. I guess the worst case scenario is if my daughter is unhappy, we can always try something different.

Luckily, the gifted program for my daughter’s school board happens to be in her current school, so she will not be separated from her friends or daycare. She will see them all at recess, gym, etc.

The gifted program starts at grade 4 (age 9) in our city public system. Until then, she will have another 18 months of school in the regular program. Lot’s of time to think and decide…

We’ve been asked to do science experiments, card tricks, magic tricks, etc. at home to keep her stimulated.

 

[Serap]

I’m in the same boat personally as being “very gifted”, I was tested when in 5th grade.

My grades were average during most of my schooling… Highschool I was 30th of 200ish in my class…

College I graduated Summa Cum Laude (3.9/4.0).

…and my handwriting sucks, in the sense that I write in cursive exclusively and nobody can read it. I used to get D’s in grade school on handwriting skills.

I guess my point is, don’t worry about it. Your daughter’s grades might reflect it, but she will come to realize that she can understand things faster than others, perhaps also in ways that others do not conceive of. Frankly, while my grades weren’t exactly “top marks”, I never had to (and never did) study or take notes in class; in either middle school, high school, or college.

Any questions, shoot.

Thanks! My brain is so foggy right now haha.

 

[Serap]

One little thinking point - remember that if your daughter is gifted, those are her gifts, not yours. You can guide and nurture, but don’t make her feel she has to perform to please you. I speak as one whose life was turned upside down when I was five from a “gifted” label being put on me and being taken out of kindergarten after a month and put in first grade. I also had ADD (though undiagnosed until I was in my 30s) and the problems like handwriting that others describe. I was a mess socially, frequently fearful and resentful, and felt like an oddball for being singled out. I tried not to stand out grade-wise, although I still did above average. In college I went 180 degrees in the opposite direction, and became a compulsive perfectionist. Then I burned out.

I realize that as a parent it’s hard to make some of the choices that will end up influencing your child’s future - you probably feel like “damned if you do or damned if you don’t” on many of them. But just reflect on the fact that the child is an individual, made unique by God. And let her know that she can be honest with you if she feels pressured. Hope all works out well.

Last thing I want to do is put pressure on her. Thanks

 

[Serap]

It is not at all unusual for children identified as “gifted” through testing to have certain areas of weakness. Our younger daughter was a very good student, well-behaved and much liked by her teachers. (She had been a VERY naughty toddler and pre-schooler, but that changed as soon as she entered kindergarten.)

One thing that baffled us was the fact that all of her standardized tests were quite average - 50-60th percentile. We were used to the 99th percentile results of her older sister, and knew our younger girl was very bright: near-photographic memory, astonishing puzzle-solving skills, an IQ in the 135 range. However, reading required sheer force of will on her part, and reading for long periods resulted in headaches (despite her eagle-like eyesight.) Finally, in her junior year of high school, her guidance counselor asked if she had ever been tested for ADHD. She hadn’t, and no one had ever mentioned it. It turns out that her results were - quite literally - off the charts. We finally had answers as to the so-so standardized tests. Concentrating in the manner - and the length of time - required for taking those tests was nearly impossible for her.

At about the same time, she was diagnosed with clinical depression; her doctor said that she had been struggling for more than a decade with the challenges her undiagnosed ADHD presented, and finally hit a wall. She was treated for the depression, and that, combined with an understanding of why she had struggled so hard despite her IQ, made a world of difference.

In retrospect, I am amazed at what she achieved, despite the ADHD: National Honor Society, numerous awards and honors, scholarships. She never felt as smart as her older sister, based on those test scores, despite all those achievements. The diagnosis was a huge turning point for her.

She received a doctorate in audiology recently and begins a job as a clinical instructor at the local university shortly.

Wow…you guys must be so proud of her. Your story is reflective of how little we often understand about children.

 

[Serap]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, refection and information. I am still trying to figure out what all this means in terms of me parenting my daughter.

Do I push or do I leave it alone?

How do I stop her from feeling socially isolated?

How do I communicate with her teachers? (the psychologist has already called the principal and spoken to her about it)

How do I not come across as being arrogant to other parents if the subject comes up?

How do I ensure that my girl doesn’t become arrogant?

On a positive note, I have a great kid…she’s extremely down to earth and grounded. She’s kind and always looking out for the underdog in her school. She came home last night saying she stuck up for a boy who was being made fun of for not being able to speak English (arrived from Brazil recently). She’s good friends with the low functioning ADHD 9 year old b/c she feels a lot of compassion for her b/c she’s not accepted by her peers.

My daughter is not popular, but well liked and accepted. She laughs easily and has a heart of solid gold. She loves animals and talks of becoming a vet. She always has new information about an animal. She educated me on Hummingbirds just the other day and informed me of how fast a Ostrich can run. She made search for a YouTube video so we could watch an Ostrich run.

She’s a fascinating kid, loves school and I want to keep that sparkle alive.

 

[Serap]

BTW…I’m dsylexic. I was treated as though I was stupid all through school…

A teacher even told my parents that I was “slightly retarded” in 8th grade.

I gave up on school and stopped bothering to try…dropped out of highschool.

Fast forward 10 years, I entered university as a mature student…was told to get tested by a professor…found out I had an IQ of 133 with dyslexia…go figure.

My daughter probably would have fallen through the cracks also. The school never saw that she was gifted. I got her tested at a private clinic. So glad I did.

 

[Kelfa28]

A ferocious work ethic can be installed in any child, gifted it not.

A child that is gifted and has a ferocious work ethic can set the world on fire.

I somewhat disagree with your first comment. Some people are just naturally lazy. Sure, they can and will work hard when it behooves them to but they will go back into their habits of being lazy.

I think my husband is a good example of this. He is exceptionally bright. He didn’t receive much of a high school education (that is a long story for another thread…). In fact, by the time he graduated he had never written an essay or progressed further then the equivalant of 7th grade math (no algebra).
However, he was naturally bright and read and learned at his own leisure. He passed the ASVAB easily and joined the army. He used his GI Bill to finish up an associate’s and is planning on finishing a BA in Finance.
However…he never studies or does any homework. Ever. He hates studying and won’t put in any extra work for school in favor of watching documentaries or reading news stories or blogs.

I do agree with your second comment. I think a hard work ethic can make up for being gifted.

I had a girlfriend in highschool who was incredibly gifted and was a work horse. She should have skipped grades when she was younger…but she made up for it in highschool.

She took a junior leve honors chemistry class as a sophmore and left it with an A+. She took AP Chemistry the next year and set the curve so high that her test grades were regularly thrown out so the other students could benefit from a curve.
She took 6 AP level classes her senior year and still had straight As.
She scored off the charts with her SAT, ACT and AP tests.
She applied early decision to Harvard and not only was accepted but was offered a free ride to attend.
She decided she wanted to see what Princeton had to offer before she made her decision.

Her undergrad was in Bio-Chemistry at Harvard and she earned her Masters in something else at Princeton (we’ve lost touch over the years). She is currently almost done with her PhD.

Not only was she gifted but she was a total work horse and would spend most of her time at home and studying. It took a toll on her by her senior year but she kept going because she clearly had a goal in mind.

 

[silver_moon]

Maybe this website will help answer some of your questions:

Tips and Help for parents of gifted children

giftedkids.about.com/od/nurturinggiftsandtalents/u/Parenting.htm

You might want to ask the psychologist who tested her about his/her experience working with educators beyond giving them test results. Also, if you can talk to older gifted students at the school, their parents might have some advice.

A lot of people love to talk about animals. I know you’re in Canada but it seems a favorite American pastime is posting and sharing cat videos on the web. Your daughter will probably always be able to relate to other people who love animals, which is a good thing.

 

[Sarcelle]

I somewhat disagree with your first comment. Some people are just naturally lazy. Sure, they can and will work hard when it behooves them to but they will go back into their habits of being lazy.

I think my husband is a good example of this. He is exceptionally bright. He didn’t receive much of a high school education (that is a long story for another thread…). In fact, by the time he graduated he had never written an essay or progressed further then the equivalant of 7th grade math (no algebra).
However, he was naturally bright and read and learned at his own leisure. He passed the ASVAB easily and joined the army. He used his GI Bill to finish up an associate’s and is planning on finishing a BA in Finance.
However…he never studies or does any homework. Ever. He hates studying and won’t put in any extra work for school in favor of watching documentaries or reading news stories or blogs.

I do agree with your second comment. I think a hard work ethic can make up for being gifted.

I had a girlfriend in highschool who was incredibly gifted and was a work horse. She should have skipped grades when she was younger…but she made up for it in highschool.

She took a junior leve honors chemistry class as a sophmore and left it with an A+. She took AP Chemistry the next year and set the curve so high that her test grades were regularly thrown out so the other students could benefit from a curve.
She took 6 AP level classes her senior year and still had straight As.
She scored off the charts with her SAT, ACT and AP tests.
She applied early decision to Harvard and not only was accepted but was offered a free ride to attend.
She decided she wanted to see what Princeton had to offer before she made her decision.

Her undergrad was in Bio-Chemistry at Harvard and she earned her Masters in something else at Princeton (we’ve lost touch over the years). She is currently almost done with her PhD.

Not only was she gifted but she was a total work horse and would spend most of her time at home and studying. It took a toll on her by her senior year but she kept going because she clearly had a goal in mind.

You see, I am also naturally lazy. However, when I am passionate enough about something, I do the work. God is good though and through the people and experiences in my life, has taught me the virtue of perseverance. For naturally lazy people like me, this could be the key to transforming one’s self to a hard worker.

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, refection and information. I am still trying to figure out what all this means in terms of me parenting my daughter.

Do I push or do I leave it alone?

**You make sure that she is, as much as possible, working in her zone of proximal development.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zone_of_proximal_development**

How do I stop her from feeling socially isolated?

**Is her school placement appropriate?

There are great camps and enrichment programs available.**

How do I communicate with her teachers? (the psychologist has already called the principal and spoken to her about it)

Maybe share with them what her particular profile of strengths and weaknesses is?

How do I not come across as being arrogant to other parents if the subject comes up?
**
Don’t mention it except when necessary or to close friends or family.

Oh, and go ahead and brag to grandparents.
**

How do I ensure that my girl doesn’t become arrogant?

**Make sure she has an appropriate peer group. If she’s always the smartest kid in the room, she will become arrogant. Make sure she meets other bright children.

Also, academic contests are good for instilling humility.
**
On a positive note, I have a great kid…she’s extremely down to earth and grounded. She’s kind and always looking out for the underdog in her school. She came home last night saying she stuck up for a boy who was being made fun of for not being able to speak English (arrived from Brazil recently). She’s good friends with the low functioning ADHD 9 year old b/c she feels a lot of compassion for her b/c she’s not accepted by her peers.

Very good!

My daughter is not popular, but well liked and accepted. She laughs easily and has a heart of solid gold. She loves animals and talks of becoming a vet. She always has new information about an animal. She educated me on Hummingbirds just the other day and informed me of how fast a Ostrich can run. She made search for a YouTube video so we could watch an Ostrich run.

She’s a fascinating kid, loves school and I want to keep that sparkle alive.

Very good!

 

[Serap]

Maybe this website will help answer some of your questions:

Tips and Help for parents of gifted children

giftedkids.about.com/od/nurturinggiftsandtalents/u/Parenting.htm

You might want to ask the psychologist who tested her about his/her experience working with educators beyond giving them test results. Also, if you can talk to older gifted students at the school, their parents might have some advice.

A lot of people love to talk about animals. I know you’re in Canada but it seems a favorite American pastime is posting and sharing cat videos on the web. Your daughter will probably always be able to relate to other people who love animals, which is a good thing.

Thanks. I’ll read it.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, refection and information. I am still trying to figure out what all this means in terms of me parenting my daughter.

Do I push or do I leave it alone?

How do I stop her from feeling socially isolated?

How do I communicate with her teachers? (the psychologist has already called the principal and spoken to her about it)

How do I not come across as being arrogant to other parents if the subject comes up?

How do I ensure that my girl doesn’t become arrogant?

On a positive note, I have a great kid…she’s extremely down to earth and grounded. She’s kind and always looking out for the underdog in her school. She came home last night saying she stuck up for a boy who was being made fun of for not being able to speak English (arrived from Brazil recently). She’s good friends with the low functioning ADHD 9 year old b/c she feels a lot of compassion for her b/c she’s not accepted by her peers.

My daughter is not popular, but well liked and accepted. She laughs easily and has a heart of solid gold. She loves animals and talks of becoming a vet. She always has new information about an animal. She educated me on Hummingbirds just the other day and informed me of how fast a Ostrich can run. She made search for a YouTube video so we could watch an Ostrich run.

She’s a fascinating kid, loves school and I want to keep that sparkle alive.

It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job already. Keep doing what you’re doing - help her find her passions by giving her opportunities when you can. Don’t tell her she’s better than anyone or that she should be exempt from the rules or treated differently and she won’t be arrogant.

A friend and I took Calculus at the local college our senior year in high school (better than AP- didn’t have to stress over taking the AP test ), he didn’t even buy the book, just listened to the lectures and aced every exam. That kind of guy, one of the most pleasant and unassuming people you’d ever meet, went to Berkley on a full ride and got his Phd in physics. Parents just treated him as a normal kid.

 

[Serap]

It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job already. Keep doing what you’re doing - help her find her passions by giving her opportunities when you can. Don’t tell her she’s better than anyone or that she should be exempt from the rules or treated differently and she won’t be arrogant.

A friend and I took Calculus at the local college our senior year in high school (better than AP- didn’t have to stress over taking the AP test ), he didn’t even buy the book, just listened to the lectures and aced every exam. That kind of guy, one of the most pleasant and unassuming people you’d ever meet, went to Berkley on a full ride and got his Phd in physics. Parents just treated him as a normal kid.

I like that parenting strategy.

 

[Xantippe]

Our 7th grader just got her SAT scores back. She took the test for Duke’s talent search. (There’s also one that Johns Hopkins does that I participated in when I was a 7th grader.)

She did not blow the roof of the SAT. She got 80th and moderate 90th percentiles compared to college-bound seniors taking the test, which is good, but not awe-inspiring. No Doogie Howser here.

What am I going to do with this information?

I will brag to the grandparents, who love that sort of thing. (And the math teacher grandpa that helped her study over Thanksgiving particularly deserves to be told.)

I will share her scores with her psychologist and the school administration, as being a special needs child, she has needed a lot of TLC over the years and been more work and more trouble than a lot of other kids. But, more and more, that hard work and trouble is paying off. We also tell the school administration when she places in academic contests.

But, aside from the grandparents, the psychologist, and school administrators (and you, dear anonymous CAFers), nobody else needs to know.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Our 7th grader just got her SAT scores back. She took the test for Duke’s talent search. (There’s also one that Johns Hopkins does that I participated in when I was a 7th grader.)

She did not blow the roof of the SAT. She got 80th and moderate 90th percentiles compared to college-bound seniors taking the test, which is good, but not awe-inspiring. No Doogie Howser here.

What am I going to do with this information?

I will brag to the grandparents, who love that sort of thing. (And the math teacher grandpa that helped her study over Thanksgiving particularly deserves to be told.)

I will share her scores with her psychologist and the school administration, as being a special needs child, she has needed a lot of TLC over the years and been more work and more trouble than a lot of other kids. But, more and more, that hard work and trouble is paying off. We also tell the school administration when she places in academic contests.

But, aside from the grandparents, the psychologist, and school administrators (and you, dear anonymous CAFers), nobody else needs to know.

Congratulations!! She should be quite proud. A challenge for anyone to take that kind of standardized test-- just that gnawing thought that - hey this is for older folks what am I doing here can generate nervousness and intimidation. Great that she took on the challenge.

 

[Xantippe]

Congratulations!! She should be quite proud. A challenge for anyone to take that kind of standardized test-- just that gnawing thought that - hey this is for older folks what am I doing here can generate nervousness and intimidation. Great that she took an the challenge.

Thanks!

I wasn’t there, but my husband thought that the little kids were getting more and longer breaks, which was nice. They also had the younger-than-high-school kids taking the test in a separate room.

Our 7th-grader loves academic contests, so we’re always on the lookout for more. I also believe that it’s a good idea to demystify the SAT well before college time.

 

[Serap]

Our 7th grader just got her SAT scores back. She took the test for Duke’s talent search. (There’s also one that Johns Hopkins does that I participated in when I was a 7th grader.)

She did not blow the roof of the SAT. She got 80th and moderate 90th percentiles compared to college-bound seniors taking the test, which is good, but not awe-inspiring. No Doogie Howser here.

What am I going to do with this information?

I will brag to the grandparents, who love that sort of thing. (And the math teacher grandpa that helped her study over Thanksgiving particularly deserves to be told.)

I will share her scores with her psychologist and the school administration, as being a special needs child, she has needed a lot of TLC over the years and been more work and more trouble than a lot of other kids. But, more and more, that hard work and trouble is paying off. We also tell the school administration when she places in academic contests.

But, aside from the grandparents, the psychologist, and school administrators (and you, dear anonymous CAFers), nobody else needs to know.

That’s amazing. She should be very proud.

 

[Xantippe]

That’s amazing. She should be very proud.

Thanks!

I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to tell her about the scores, but we will be taking the kids out to her favorite restaurant to celebrate.