Kids or God First?

[ShrodingersCat]

In my marriage prep course they put it like this: imagine Your number 1 priority goes in the centre of a circle. Such things as spouse, children, parents, job, etc. You should always aim to have your relationship with your spouse at the centre of your circle. At times in your life, something else will push in there - such as a new born baby, a sick child, a major deadline at work. But you should always aim to restore the balance of having your spouse as your as your main priority. It doesn’t really have anything to do with choosing someone to save from a burning building.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Hey, it’s not my advice, it’s the advice given to me by relationship experts. I’m just trying to explain why people say to put your spouse first. I imagine because a child will not suffer if the parents put each other first (under normal circumstances). But a child will suffer if their parents grow apart.

 

[Mary888]

God comes first and from thereon He takes care of the kids as well. Many people even devout ones have trouble trying this on and yes it is hard. The only way to prove this is true is to practice it.
You maybe tell your parents that God is the First Father of all. If we are parents at all it is through His Grace and Plan. We cannot create life. He does.
When we try to take His place, even with the noblest intentions at heart, it is out pride not out of love.
Putting God first is also a way to not cling on to your childrenand invest in their future and life. You worry about reverse psychology one day turning your kids into atheists. Reverse psychology is not infallible.
Plus if your parents let you take your kids to Mass then you going to Mass would also be time spent with children. Maybe hint at that to them.

 

[ascetic]

You could have them read the First Commandment. Your third reply about Mt 10:37 would be another good one to use.

I don’t know if Lutherans are sola scriptura Protestants, but I’m sure your relatives will find some loophole to jump through. People are increasingly loathe to self-examine these days and wont to work backward to justify a conclusion with which they have started out.

Good luck, though.

 

[angel12]

It was unexpected. But, I’m confused. If I miss Sunday Mass because my family expects me to put family before God, because my brother doesn’t visit that often; each and every time family visit from out of town, wouldn’t that render my Confession invalid?

But this is one time. I think a (non-confession) talk with your pastor is in order. He may have some advice on handling the situation until you cmcan move out on your own. Which, I trust, you have solid plans to make happen?

 

[Michael16]

I understand what you’re saying. But, if I follow my family’s expectations; it won’t be a one time thing. The problem is, while I’m under my father’s roof; I feel I have to play by their rules. Otherwise, I risk blowups and confrontations. I just want peace and quiet and the ability to live according to my conscience.

As for the moving out thing; it’ll happen once I can get my finances in order. Once that happens; I can finally put my foot down, without fear of compromising my own living situation or not respecting the fact I owe them for letting me live under their roof.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Who puts their spouse before their kids?

My DH and I.
If we don’t nourish our marriage, we can’t nourish our kiddos.

 

[adgloriam]

People who have grown children that don’t need their full-time protection anymore. Most married couples agree to put their kid’s needs before their own while their children are so young that they need constant care.

Whilst always keeping their union. I’ve seen @adamhovey1988’s reservation before and being seemingly intuitive it works subliminally against the mindset the couple should strive to keep. Any inversion in priorities on this will work against the family as a whole, invariably.

 

[Allegra]

Right. I think people envision leaving children at home to starve while you take your spouse on a two week cruise or something. We’re not talking about neglecting your children’s needs in favor of your spouse’s every whim. It’s about making the spousal relationship a priority in the household. If your marriage fails, who is going to suffer worse than the children?

 

[TheLittleLady]

Why not simply take the kids with you to Confession and Mass?

 

[twf]

I just don’t understand what that would even look like. If you have grown children (or older kids) sure… but an infant or toddler requires 24/7 care. Even after that intensive care / attention is still required. Perhaps when you guys are all saying a spouse comes first before kids, you don’t mean in terms of time… so then what do you mean?

Maybe I’m just a bad husband… but I love my son more than my wife. The love I’ve experienced as a father surpasses any honeymoon bliss or anything else I’ve ever experienced. If she ever became abusive, of course I would kick her out to protect my son and prioritize him. It’s hard to think of any meaningful, “extreme” scenario where he wouldn’t come first.

 

[Psalm30]

https://thoughtcatalog.com/matthew-...ur-spouse-your-parents-or-your-children-most/

 

[Mintaka]

If your kids know that their parents are a unity, they will be more relaxed and happy.

Loving your kids a lot is good and natural. But loving them more than your spouse, instead of differently, is putting a lot of pressure on a kid - putting them in a dominant role, making them responsible for your well-being and happiness.

Kids who know they are not the top of the pecking order are happier kids.

 

[Psalm30]

you don’t mean in terms of time…

No, it’s not in terms of time. And the immediate needs of babies/very young children are most certainly going to come before a spouse’s need or want to go on a two week cruise.

so then what do you mean?

Check out the article in my previous post.

Maybe I’m just a bad husband… but I love my son more than my wife. The love I’ve experienced as a father surpasses any honeymoon bliss or anything else I’ve ever experienced.

Everyone’s experience is different. After our first child was born, my husband explicitly stated that he loves me just a teeny tiny bit more than our child. And I’d say the same about him. He’s my other half, and it’s our love for each other that created our children in the first place. Without our love, there are no kids.

If she ever became abusive, of course I would kick her out to protect my son and prioritize him.

This is a worst case scenario and not really relevant to the discussion. Of course no one should prioritize an abusive spouse and allow them to harm the children. But think about it — if your son turned into a homicidal psychopath who was intent on killing his mother, would you kick him out in order to protect your wife? I would certainly hope so. But it’s not really relevant because we’re not talking abusive, worst case scenarios here.

It’s hard to think of any meaningful, “extreme” scenario where he wouldn’t come first.

As someone mentioned earlier in the thread, it’s not really about who you would save from a burning building or whose every whim you’re catering to. It’s about making your relationship with your spouse a priority.

 

[Psalm30]

If your kids know that their parents are a unity, they will be more relaxed and happy.

Loving your kids a lot is good and natural. But loving them more than your spouse, instead of differently, is putting a lot of pressure on a kid - putting them in a dominant role, making them responsible for your well-being and happiness.

Kids who know they are not the top of the pecking order are happier kids.

Very well said. I wish I could give it more than one like.

 

[twf]

Loving your kids a lot is good and natural. But loving them more than your spouse, instead of differently, is putting a lot of pressure on a kid - putting them in a dominant role, making them responsible for your well-being and happiness.

I was referring more to an unconditional love than asking anything in particular of the child. That doesn’t exclude appropriate discipline.

 

[twf]

This is a worst case scenario and not really relevant to the discussion. Of course no one should prioritize an abusive spouse and allow them to harm the children. But think about it — if your son turned into a homicidal psychopath who was intent on killing his mother, would you kick him out in order to protect your wife? I would certainly hope so. But it’s not really relevant because we’re not talking abusive, worst case scenarios here.

twf:

That’s true…if my child did become a psychopath of course I would take actions to protect his mother and myself from him. I suppose that scenario didn’t occur to me as I have seen my wife’s dark side but my 3 year old son is thus far completely innocent . But I can see and cede this point.

Everyone’s experience is different. After our first child was born, my husband explicitly stated that he loves me just a teeny tiny bit more than our child. And I’d say the same about him. He’s my other half, and it’s our love for each other that created our children in the first place. Without our love, there are no kids.

twf:

After our son was born, my wife explicitly told me that she loves him more than she’s loved anyone else - including me… that didn’t hurt me because I felt the same. This has me thinking at any rate.

 

[Psalm30]

After our son was born, my wife explicitly told me that she loves him more than she’s loved anyone else - including me… that didn’t hurt me because I felt the same. This has me thinking at any rate.

So, just curious…where would you rank your wife in the God/child/extended family/spouse priority hierarchy?

 

[twf]

My mother never asked anything of me but made it very clear that I was her whole world and that if I didn’t exist she may as well not exist either. I have serious issues in my adult life.

I think you’ve made a bit of a leap. There’s a difference between saying that you love someone more than you’ve ever loved anyone else and “I couldn’t exist if not for this person”.

So, just curious…where would you rank your wife in the God/child/extended family/spouse priority hierarchy?

I would like to think 1) God 2) child 3) wife 4) extended family… though now that I think about it, I’ve made concessions to my wife, in order to preserve our marriage, that greatly wound the duty I feel towards #1 and #2 (for example our son is not baptized as my wife won’t consent to his baptism - which I’ve discussed with priests - something that pains me daily).

 

[Psalm30]

I think you’ve made a bit of a leap. There’s a difference between saying that you love someone more than you’ve ever loved anyone else and “I couldn’t exist if not for this person”.

My point is that making kids #1, even above your spouse, can have a negative effect, even without the extreme point of “I may as well not exist without you.” The article I posted touches on this.

I would like to think 1) God 2) child 3) wife 4) extended family… though now that I think about it, I’ve made concessions to my wife, in order to preserve our marriage, that greatly wound the duty I feel towards #1 and #2 (for example our son is not baptized as my wife refuses to consent to his baptism - which I’ve discussed with priests - something that pains me daily).

I’m sorry to hear that.