Kissing Before Marriage?

[triumphguy]

yup!

 

[Byrnwiga]

Hello and thank you for reading my post. I’ll try to keep it short!

When I was younger, sometime in my early teens, I had read about someone who saved her first kiss for her engagement and I decided that the idea seemed very romantic and became attached to it. The decision had nothing to do with my religious beliefs, but eventually it became a part of who I was. In following years, I was always very careful about getting involved with any boys because I didn’t really know how to deal with wanting to kiss but trying to save that at the same time. The summer after I graduated high school, I started to “date” a guy that I considered to be just a friend. I didn’t know it at the time, but both of us were in this pseudo-relationship for the same (and wrong) reasons. We were both in love with the idea of being in a relationship. I got caught up in the new experiences and one night he asked if he could kiss me. I knew that if I said yes, it would go against everything I had planned for myself as well as breaking with who I am. But I also really wanted to experience a kiss, and as much as I hate to admit it, I was 18 and wanted to be able to say that I had my first kiss. So in the end, we did kiss. Immediately, I knew that I had done wrong because I realized that I was not just living a lie, but that I was using someone else. Not to mention that I was very disappointed in myself for giving in to temptation. I ended up breaking it off with that guy the same night.

Sometime after that, I re-examined the idea of kissing and I came to see it in a new light. I decided to save my next kiss not for engagement, but for marriage. This time, my decision is more tied to religious considerations. I made this decision not only for the reason of not having that extra little temptation to fall into sin, but also because I think that it is a way to show that special someone that you’re willing to save everything and deny yourself something that you want - all because of that person. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against other people kissing before marriage or engagement!

My dilemma is that since I made that decision, though I still feel strongly about it, it’s 4 years later and I’ve met someone that I care about. We aren’t currently in a relationship because we’re in different parts of the country, but we will be living in the same city soon so I do anticipate a relationship to grow between us. The last time we were in the same city, he began to kiss me on the cheek to say hello and goodbye. I took that as something fairly innocent, so I didn’t bother to go into my long explanation of not kissing (on the lips), but I’m going to have to tell him if we do begin a relationship. I have no doubt that he’ll respect my decision and help me to hold to it (the temptation to kiss him is already strong enough while we’re living in different parts of the country!). The problem is that while I do feel strongly about not kissing before marriage, I’m trying to re-examine my feelings on it and try to figure out if I feel strongly because of the reasons I stated earlier or because I’m still subconsciously trying to punish myself/make up for my earlier mistake.

In re-thinking all of this, I started to wonder what other people think about the topic, so I guess my question to all of you is what your opinions are regarding kissing before marriage? The question isn’t directly related to my own story, but feel free to comment on that if you’d like.

God bless!

As a young male Catholic I think this is a wonderful idea! I would certainly be impressed if a future girlfriend were to make a firm stand in a matter of modesty such as this. I wish you luck in your search. God bless.

-Byrnwiga

 

[ringil]

Umm… seriously? Chastity is a very important virtue, however I think we are asking way too much of people dating with the intention of marriage to avoid a kiss on the lips. A “no-kissing-before-engagement and/or marriage policy” would be rightly seen as a deal breaker for most people. As a woman, if I were in the position to be discerning whether a young man was good marriage match for (being married, I’m not), I would take it as an alarm sign if he thought it would be sinful to kiss me on the lips while dating!

Yes, I agree.

I would definitely get away fast from a woman who thought it was improper to kiss before marriage!

You need to kiss in order to avoid the dreaded “friend zone”.

Who comes up with this stuff?!?

 

[ringil]

I agree. I don’t understand why it’s sometimes alluded that men burst into flames at the mere touch of a woman!

Just as one can have a beer without getting stinking drunk, a man and woman can enjoy a kiss without attacking each other.

(girl hugs me)

AAAAGGHHH!!!, I’m on FIRE HERE!

 

[AthenaC]

This thread just confirms even more why I believe marriages should be arranged.

If I had allowed my parents to arrange my marriage, I probably would have killed myself 10 years ago.

I know that if I had a young daughter who’s idea of ideal manhood was Justin Beiber I would want to pick her husband for her.

Well … to be fair, the Beibmeister is not that bad of a guy. He’s pro-life, gives to charity, and is on video being absolutely ADORABLE with his little half-sister. One could certainly do worse.

I bet there are some saints whose fathers’ chose their husbands. I bet ten minutes on google and I could find 3! - except I’m knackered and I’m going to bed.

Night CAFters!

Having had several volumes of saints’ lives crammed into my head as a kid, pretty much every saint whose parents picked out their husband for them (it was invariably a girl) went to great extremes to avoid marriage. They did things like cut off their hair, mutilate themselves, run away from home … the types of things that STILL cause parents anxiety today. So since these are the types of people that end up canonized, and on top of that we praise them for their staunch commitment to chastity (even to the point of mutilation / running away), that tells me that:

1. at a certain point, parents can’t really be trusted to make decisions for their children
2. our Catholic culture is a bit unbalanced when it comes to attitudes about sex

 

[MidnightSun12]

Is there ever a point at which we’ve taken it too far? Ever?

How about:

-Don’t touch your future spouse (e.g., no hand holding, no pat on the back, etc.)
-Don’t look at your future spouse.
-Don’t be alone with your future spouse.
-Try to avoid all conversations with your future spouse.
-It’s best not to meet your future spouse before you marry them.

At some point, isn’t it fair to say it’s gone too far?

And if it gets to the point where we’re avoiding all closeness, intimacy, touch, everything with our future spouse, how does that not carry over into marriage?

How can you fight so hard against even the slightest bit of intimacy without the negative effects carrying over into marriage?

During marriage, will it be hard to train your conscience to suddenly, overnight accept marital intimacy when you have been telling yourself that even these very minor acts are shameful?

With regards to not kissing before marriage: the graces bestowed by God on a couple who so devoutly follow His commandments prior to marriage would actually enhance the marriage tremendously (there would be no negative effects).

I heard a story about a couple who saved their first kiss for the altar and their marriage ceremony was so magnetic with the presence of the Holy Spirit that it had a forceful effect on everybody who was attending. There was absolutely no awkwardness from a so-called “lack of experience” and the bride was so overwhelmed with joy that after the first kiss she even grabbed her husband and gave him another one!

 

[benjammin]

While I commend people who do this, I can’t help but think of the virgin diaries kiss. I know it’s a horrible show and in a backhanded way makes fun of those of us who are virgins, but kissing is something that’s just part of a relationship, although for me it seems wrong to use tongue or even try it on the lips unless i’m considering marriage with the person.

 

[Carina20]

Yay! Finally someone else that has the same belief as me. I wish I hadn’t made a big deal with never being kissed as a teen, because I realize how little it matters now. I had my first kiss at 17. ( Practically an old maid!) The guy said hi to me at school and hugged me but never asked me out or to prom. I kissed a couple other guys after that & just it never felt right. It only made my emotions get stirred up over nothing. Now I am committed to waiting till marriage to kiss my husband because he’ll be ‘my’ husband. No one else’s.
No one can take him from me after that. I know he won’t just dump me or start ignoring me. Also, I don’t think kissing really enhanced the relationship in a positive way. It felt nice, but it didn’t help me learn the guy’s character better or if he was serious about his faith or even wanted to get married at all. I was too distracted by the wrong things. Also, I never want to get too comfortable in a dating relationship to where we stop focusing on discernment of marriage. Limited physical intimacy can help move the relationship forward. Plus, if he dumps me because I won’t kiss him, it’s his loss. I’ll know he’s not the one God has for me because God wouldn’t ask me to compromise my own morals.

 

[SusanneT]

Yay! Finally someone else that has the same belief as me. I wish I hadn’t made a big deal with never being kissed as a teen, because I realize how little it matters now. I had my first kiss at 17. ( Practically an old maid!) The guy said hi to me at school and hugged me but never asked me out or to prom. I kissed a couple other guys after that & just it never felt right. It only made my emotions get stirred up over nothing. Now I am committed to waiting till marriage to kiss my husband because he’ll be ‘my’ husband. No one else’s.
No one can take him from me after that. I know he won’t just dump me or start ignoring me. Also, I don’t think kissing really enhanced the relationship in a positive way. It felt nice, but it didn’t help me learn the guy’s character better or if he was serious about his faith or even wanted to get married at all. I was too distracted by the wrong things. Also, I never want to get too comfortable in a dating relationship to where we stop focusing on discernment of marriage. Limited physical intimacy can help move the relationship forward. Plus, if he dumps me because I won’t kiss him, it’s his loss. I’ll know he’s not the one God has for me because God wouldn’t ask me to compromise my own morals.

For what it’s worth my husband & I didn’t go past a peck on the cheek before marriage at HIS instigation - I was despirate to kiss him but he said it was ‘going too far’. In terms of arousing him and tempting both of us to sin.

I don’t think its a strictly religious thing - we just very much wanted to wait and he wanted me respect my purity - so he had the sense to know when we should stop. I can now see he was right, it would have been a mistake to go further - but that’s a personal thing, I’m sure it’s fine for some people.

 

[The_Bucket]

This is probably more of a personal preference or a figuring out where your “line” is in terms of going too far down the arousal path more than a defined Church teaching. Obviously you want to remain chaste and not put yourselves or your significant others into temptation. But where the line is for everyone is probably different.

I think the most obvious line is the “don’t touch what you don’t have” and don’t start pawing at one another like you’re getting revved up for sex. Beyond that? Seems like not a gray area but one that’s more undefined or defined differently for different people based on their history, tendencies and preferences.

Just like I don’t buy the “you have to have sex before marriage to find out if there is chemistry” line from the rest of the world, I also don’t buy the “you have to kiss and possibly passionately to know if there is chemistry” line by anyone else. Did I kiss with my wife with some level of passion before we were married? Yeah. Was it over the line? I don’t know. But I do know that it was probably too close and I regretted it. Not deeply, not beating myself up type of regretting, but I realize looking back that it was unnecessary and didn’t help me or her at the time.

I knew I was attracted (though I am to this day still shocked SHE was and is attracted) and I definitely knew there would be chemistry on our wedding night. So the rest of the world can jump off a bridge with its rationale because I assure you and them the chemistry was indeed there. Big time.

 

[Mangaartist]

I really, really like kissing. Imagine when my current SO told me on our second date that he had an aversion to the idea of kissing on the lips! He said the idea sounded disgusting… I used to say I’d happily give up kissing for cuddling, and, well, God took me up on that, he sent me a super-cuddly anti-kissing young man =)
At first I was just waiting for him to change his mind, but when he did, he decided he wants to wait until marriage with kissing. I came to really like this idea, and am now very happy with it, wouldn’t have it any other way. He kisses me on the cheek plenty of times, and cuddling definitely takes care of the chemistry-evaluation. In fact, I think we’d have trouble not slipping into inappropriateness if we did kiss on the lips.
Just my two cents, I know it’s hard to believe but giving up kissing was an awesome thing, for me at least. Before, my tendency has been to fill awkward silences in a relationship with kissing, now we had to actually work on our communication instead. Now I kind of wish I could have saved my very first kiss for marriage, like he did.

 

[1cor1313]

Thank you all so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I had no idea this would invoke so many replies. Just want to say that I respect everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut.

I’m especially touched by those of you who gave me some encouraging words regarding my own story!

God bless.

 

[SeekNFind]

It has been a really long time since I kissed a guy so my opinion is based on convictions that I have not had a chance to test. I don’t think kissing before marriage is wrong per se, but for me, French kissing is totally out. It lights a fire that is difficult to extinguish so I’d rather not go there. I think brief closed mouth kisses are probably okay but only in the courtship phase. That being said, if a guy I was in a courtship with said he felt strongly about not kissing until marriage, I would submit to his wishes on that. If he felt God was calling him to save that moment then I would honor that.

 

[Bklynguy]

In my opinion, there has to be some chemistry - it’s a marriage not a friendship. Kissing is a way of exploring the passion.

I agree with this. How do you know if there is chemistry if you don’t kiss the person? Of course, kissing isn’t the ONLY way, but it is a physical and emotional contact that triggers the synapses in the brain. How do you know someone is right for you if you don’t have that extra physical contact (which, by the way, the Church does not forbid).

OP, I think your intentions are admirable; however, I think you are sort of being overly scrupulous. Remember…

A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh…

 

[Irishmom2]

And parents should choose their childrens’ spouses; it would take out half the stress of marriage and there wouldn’t be the problem of dating and kissing.

I honestly don’t think that parents can know more about a “potential” spouse and whether they would be appropriate, than the person looking to get married… Wouldn’t have wanted my parents to choose, but would have wanted their approval. I don’t want to choose my children’s spouses, but I would like to know them and to actually approve of them.