Lack of Fellowship before and after Mass?

[ElToro]

I have been thinking a lot about a lack of fellowship at my parish. It’s a large Latin Rite parish with six Masses each Sunday. Absolutely no opportunities for fellowship except talking in church before and during Mass it would seem. I used to pray a 4 minute formulary prayer after Mass. In those 4 minutes the church goes from bustling to deserted. Parking lots cleared, the whole works.

The 09:00 Mass does have coffee and doughnuts (and now bagels!) after Mass – sometimes. It’s almost painful to see their pleas in the bulletin for volunteers and for people simply to take part. (I responded once and was told they don’t need any additional help – I am not part of the in-crowd.) It’s even worse to see how big a deal they make each summer about “taking time off” (3 months)in the bulletin postings. “See you in September!” Fellowship isn’t important in the summer?

This contrasts hugely with the weekly coffee social following Divine Liturgy at my tiny (~100) Eastern Parish. Each and every week we pray, talk and eat together after liturgy. We sign-up to bring food and drinks and the priest blesses them. The pastor and deacon sit at table with us. It’s very nice. I once talked to the original pastor about this and he said you HAVE to have this. “It’s not the liturgy but it’s vitally important” is a quote from him. I asked him about my main, large Latin Rite parish which he knew well. He smiled and said if he were the pastor, fellowship after Masses would get a lot more attention.

Why is fellowship so horrid in so many parishes, particularly large parishes? I think it has a lot to do with the people who dominate the “hospitality ministry” (just try to lend a hand!) I think it also has to do with the priests – many won’t even spend 5-10 minutes walking through the audience – even when the next Mass is not for an hour or more. Even fewer will actually sit at table around here.

Has it always been this bad?

 

[Dorothy]

We have three priests. There is one vigil Mass on Saturday, and two Masses on Sunday.

Once a month we have coffee and donuts after Mass. Our priests are always present and walk around socializing. (At least two out of the three). On these occasions there are opportunities for parish organizations to man a table with some brochures and tell about what they do, and get new members.

Once a month after First Friday Mass and Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament we have a pot-luck brunch after the 8:30 A.M. Mass. Our priests are visible there, and go around socializing and chatting with the parishioners.

These social times are important and I’m very glad we have them!

The priests are present there as well, and sometimes one or two of them sit down at a table and have breakfast also.

 

[Digitonomy]

Part of the issue is the multiple masses. At your Eastern parish, nearly everyone in the parish probably participates because everyone knows several other people, and there is little doubt about which mass their friends will be attending. Plus there tends to be a cultural element as well in most Eastern parishes I am familiar with - parishioners tend to be from one or two ethnic groups, and especially now that many have moved some distance from cities where these parishes tend to be located, after mass is the one reliable time that they can get together with these families.

At a large parish with multiple masses, it’s roulette whether the folks you know will show up at your particular mass. With such a large parish, the event may well be dominated by people you don’t know.

Another factor that has weighed against the post-mass coffee and donuts is that people know donuts are terrible for them, and they know that parish coffee tastes terrible compared with Starbucks or McDs or whatever they’re used to. Lots of ethnic food found at Eastern parish gatherings is likewise terrible for your health, but it gets a pass because of the cultural connection; it tastes like home.

 

[ElToro]

We have three priests. There is one vigil Mass on Saturday, and two Masses on Sunday.

Once a month we have coffee and donuts after Mass. Our priests are always present and walk around socializing. (At least two out of the three). On these occasions there are opportunities for parish organizations to man a table with some brochures and tell about what they do, and get new members.

Once a month after First Friday Mass and Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament we have a pot-luck brunch after the 8:30 A.M. Mass. Our priests are visible there, and go around socializing and chatting with the parishioners.

These social times are important and I’m very glad we have them!

The priests are present there as well, and sometimes one or two of them sit down at a table and have breakfast also.

That truly is good to hear. Why not after every Sunday?

 

[ElToro]

Part of the issue is the multiple masses. At your Eastern parish, nearly everyone in the parish probably participates because everyone knows several other people, and there is little doubt about which mass their friends will be attending. Plus there tends to be a cultural element as well in most Eastern parishes I am familiar with - parishioners tend to be from one or two ethnic groups, and especially now that many have moved some distance from cities where these parishes tend to be located, after mass is the one reliable time that they can get together with these families.

We are a Byzantine Ruthenian parish in California. No ethnic groups. The biggest group is disaffected Latin Rite Catholics.

At a large parish with multiple masses, it’s roulette whether the folks you know will show up at your particular mass. With such a large parish, the event may well be dominated by people you don’t know.

Around here the same people are at the same Mass week after week – usually in the same exact seat!

Another factor that has weighed against the post-mass coffee and donuts is that people know donuts are terrible for them, and they know that parish coffee tastes terrible compared with Starbucks or McDs or whatever they’re used to. Lots of ethnic food found at Eastern parish gatherings is likewise terrible for your health, but it gets a pass because of the cultural connection; it tastes like home.

We have no ethnic food (except my chili) at our coffee socials – although we produce it to sell as a fundraiser. Then again it need not be doughnuts. I could be fresh fruit salad and bowls of shredded wheat or whatever.

 

[MisterCorduroy]

In Eastern parishes coffee is the eighth sacrament The Orthodox parish I went to had “Coffee Hour” after Divine Liturgy while the kids were in Sunday School. Genius!
That said, I think the problem is that multiple Masses don’t leave time for socializing. Smaller parishes have more time for coffee and fellowship.

 

[Corki]

I don’t attend an Eastern parish but I agree that coffee is the 8th Sacrament. We have coffee and some kind of snack after every Mass. If there is no one to serve, someone just heads for the kitchen to make coffee and raid the pantry for some kind of food to put out. People hang around so long, we have to “shush” them before CCE starts. At which point the group tends to move on to a local resturant to continue their fellowship.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I don’t attend an Eastern parish but I agree that coffee is the 8th Sacrament. We have coffee and some kind of snack after every Mass. If there is no one to serve, someone just heads for the kitchen to make coffee and raid the pantry for some kind of food to put out. People hang around so long, we have to “shush” them before CCE starts. At which point the group tends to move on to a local resturant to continue their fellowship.

I think kid sports are a factor in why we don’t have donuts and coffee every Sunday at our parish. People rush off with the kids immediately after Mass to get somewhere and that has impacted fellowship, I would say. When I was a kid, Sunday was a day of rest and leisure, going to Church and socializing after Mass at Church, and then spending time with family at home. I think a lot of people did that, had time to talk and visit with folks after Mass and then had Sunday dinner together at home (or at some relative’s home with extended family), etc. The hectic pace of life has changed that for a lot of families. Used to be that stores weren’t even open on Sunday, so one was at Church and then at home. Not anymore.

 

[The_Old_Medic]

If you want “fellowship”, then work hard to help develop it. I attend the 2nd biggest Parish in our Diocese (our church is larger than the Cathedral), and we have a TON of fellowship opportunities each and every week.

We have them because the people work hard to develop them. They don’t try once and give up, they keep on trying until they get what is needed.

As an example, one man wanted to get a Men’s Book Club started. he was turned down 11 times, everyone said there would be no interest. So, one Sunday he stood up at Coffee and Doughnuts, and asked, "Is anyone interested in forming a Men’s Book Club?

There are now 17 regular members, who meet once a month in the Parish library.

You want fellowship, then YOU get busy and see to it that it happens. Instead of complaining, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

 

[Dorothy]

That truly is good to hear. Why not after every Sunday?

Yes, that would be nice! I think that wouldn’t work unless we got more volunteers. There are different ladies that work in the kitchen after each of the three Masses pouring and making lemonade and punch for the children, and for those adults who don’t want coffee. Then there is clean-up, etc.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I think some of it is cultural, or even local in nature.

I know most parishioners in my parish, and have for most of my life. We have long ago sorted out our social relationships and, while I can’t say that I have a bad relationship with any of them, some of us just don’t quite “jibe”, and it feels really odd and uncomfortable to pretend at “fellowshipping” sessions that we do.

Also, I’m really family oriented. I have five grown children and ten grandchildren. Frankly, since I don’t have a lot of time to socialize with anyone at all, I prefer to spend my time with them. I just do. I have only so many years to know them, to perhaps hand down traditions and lessons, to give them attention.

There are a lot of large extended families around here and a culture that is kind of oriented to close association within those groups. Everybody has boundaries, and I respect them.

Consequently, the only “fellowshipping” I do anymore is K of C now and then, but not very often, and at parish work events like carnivals and such. They do not lack for helpers in those. But I consider that a service, not really socializing, though there is some socializing that goes on.

 

[Corki]

I think kid sports are a factor in why we don’t have donuts and coffee every Sunday at our parish. People rush off with the kids immediately after Mass to get somewhere and that has impacted fellowship, I would say. When I was a kid, Sunday was a day of rest and leisure, going to Church and socializing after Mass at Church, and then spending time with family at home. I think a lot of people did that, had time to talk and visit with folks after Mass and then had Sunday dinner together at home (or at some relative’s home with extended family), etc. The hectic pace of life has changed that for a lot of families. Used to be that stores weren’t even open on Sunday, so one was at Church and then at home. Not anymore.

One of the things that helps us is having CCE on Sundays between Masses. The families who go to the Mass before CCE stay around and socialize until CCE starts (along with the singles and families w/o kids at home). Those who go to the Mass after CCE will be there picking up kids and socialize more before.

The kids are also the biggest consumers of the snacks. It’s a rare family with kids that gets to the parking lot w/o mom and dad being dragged to the hall for at least a little while. We have a pretty diverse parish age-wise too. Even if all the families with sports-age kids rushed out, there would be plenty of familes with babies, seniors, young couples, singles and empty-nesters who hang around for the social time.

 

[George_Stegmeir]

I was away from Holy Mother Church for over 50 years, and came back to it about 8 years ago. Getting used to the Mass in English, the current exaguration of adoration of the Holy Ghost (which is alien to me), and the lessening of Marian devotion, are hard enough to accept, but the one thing that I get from this site is the “huggie feelie” thing many people today seem to demand of the Church. I do not understand this. Yes, we are brothers and sisters in Christ, but the Church is not a social club and should not be treated as such. The Church, as I was taught, exists for the purposes of the adoration of God and for the salvation of our souls. All else detracts from this purpose, and smacks of protestantism.
In my opinion, if you want fellowship, go join a club and use the Church for what it is supposed to be, a place of worship.

 

[familyof4]

If you want “fellowship”, then work hard to help develop it. I attend the 2nd biggest Parish in our Diocese (our church is larger than the Cathedral), and we have a TON of fellowship opportunities each and every week.

We have them because the people work hard to develop them. They don’t try once and give up, they keep on trying until they get what is needed.

As an example, one man wanted to get a Men’s Book Club started. he was turned down 11 times, everyone said there would be no interest. So, one Sunday he stood up at Coffee and Doughnuts, and asked, "Is anyone interested in forming a Men’s Book Club?

There are now 17 regular members, who meet once a month in the Parish library.

You want fellowship, then YOU get busy and see to it that it happens. Instead of complaining, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

:clapping:
I must be oblivious to the cliques that run my parish. When we joined, I called when they had requests in the bulletin for help. I’ve made a lot of friends, and help in different areas as I can. Some I’m one in the “in group” ( meaning that I’m there week in and week out) and some I’m just a lackey, moving tables and putting things where they belong. No matter how you look at it, each chance to help is an opportunity to become more involved in my parish.

What I’ve found in parish life is the same as my kids school life, and life in general. 90% of the work is done by 10% of the people. While there isn’t always a chance to share coffee after mass, generally I get to see and talk to people I work with in different ministries, at least one of the priests and the deacon, friends I have taken courses with over time, teachers at my kids’ school, and some parents from the school as well (different parish).

 

[Dorothy]

I was away from Holy Mother Church for over 50 years, and came back to it about 8 years ago. Getting used to the Mass in English, the current exaguration of adoration of the Holy Ghost (which is alien to me), and the lessening of Marian devotion, are hard enough to accept, but the one thing that I get from this site is the “huggie feelie” thing many people today seem to demand of the Church. I do not understand this. Yes, we are brothers and sisters in Christ, but the Church is not a social club and should not be treated as such. The Church, as I was taught, exists for the purposes of the adoration of God and for the salvation of our souls. All else detracts from this purpose, and smacks of protestantism.
In my opinion, if you want fellowship, go join a club and use the Church for what it is supposed to be, a place of worship.

Of course the Church building needs to be used for worship as often as possible.

And, if you read more posts in various sections of the forum you will see that Marian devotion is blossoming - and in an even deeper way than before.

The social aspect helps families to get to know one another, and it is helpful for the children to make friends with other children from their church - particularly teen-agers who need peers who are on the same page. In fact, the youth group helps to serve on these occasions, and it makes them feel good to “belong” and get in the habit of fraternizing with their peers.

Our Church should feel like “home” when we get together there. Strong communities worship well together.

 

[SwizzleStick]

One of the things that helps us is having CCE on Sundays between Masses. The families who go to the Mass before CCE stay around and socialize until CCE starts (along with the singles and families w/o kids at home). Those who go to the Mass after CCE will be there picking up kids and socialize more before. …

Ah, I see. We have ours on weeknights. I suspect attendance would be poor on Sunday and that might be why it is during the week instead.

…The kids are also the biggest consumers of the snacks. It’s a rare family with kids that gets to the parking lot w/o mom and dad being dragged to the hall for at least a little while. We have a pretty diverse parish age-wise too. Even if all the families with sports-age kids rushed out, there would be plenty of familes with babies, seniors, young couples, singles and empty-nesters who hang around for the social time.

I think we too have a pretty diverse parish, but for the most part, I don’t think Sunday is a day most folks have time to be at Church other than for Mass. We have a lot of meetings and activities going on on weeknights at Church and school (not really fellowship most of the time, though, but there is some of that, of course) and fellowship on Sunday just doesn’t happen much at our parish. Years ago, folks had time to stand around and talk. Now, we exchange pleasantries.

We only have donuts once a month or so. Actually, in thinking about it, it seems like it has been a few months since we’ve had a donut Sunday, but maybe I just missed it here and there. I served what I thought was the last time, but maybe I just missed. I’d been back home helping to take care of elderly parents and taking Mom to their Church while Dad was in rehab, so it could be I wasn’t around for it.

We do regularly have fish fries during Lent and there is a bit of fellowship then. I don’t know that we have much beyond that and the occasional donut Sunday, though.

 

[JHow]

I was away from Holy Mother Church for over 50 years, and came back to it about 8 years ago. Getting used to the Mass in English, the current exaguration of adoration of the Holy Ghost (which is alien to me), and the lessening of Marian devotion, are hard enough to accept, but the one thing that I get from this site is the “huggie feelie” thing many people today seem to demand of the Church. I do not understand this. Yes, we are brothers and sisters in Christ, but the Church is not a social club and should not be treated as such. The Church, as I was taught, exists for the purposes of the adoration of God and for the salvation of our souls. All else detracts from this purpose, and smacks of protestantism.
In my opinion, if you want fellowship, go join a club and use the Church for what it is supposed to be, a place of worship.

Spoken like a man who needs a donut.

 

[TrueLight]

We are brothers and sisters not just theoretically. We are true brothers and sisters, adopted into the family of Christ.

I really would love to know at what point this cold-hearted self-centeredness, masking as holiness entered the Catholic Church.

When did it become Protestantism to have a coffee hour after mass – to say hi to the brother that you see every Sunday and ask him how he’s doing. To know that the single mother who sits in the pew behind you has a daughter who is starting college and to ask her, how is the college application process going?

Did the early Christians not meet at each other’s houses? I remember hearing on EWTN that in the early church people recognized Christians by their love. Was this a theoretical love or a love that manifested outwardly?

I understand that it is not always possible to have fellowship, but please stop acting like the Lord would not want us to talk to each other and to pray for each other’s needs.

 

[Phemie]

The KofC host a coffee hour after the Sunday Mass on the 1st Sunday of the Month from October to June. In my experience, because it’s done in the KofC building across the parking lot from the church, few but the Knights and their families attend.

I must admit that even though I grew up in a small country parish, this type of gathering was totally foreign to me until the mid 80s when I moved to a small military parish. The next place where I experienced ‘coffee after Mass’ was not a ‘parish’ but a linguistic Catholic community with a chaplain. Mass was celebrated in the auditorium of our school/community centre. That place was the centre of our life as a Francophone community and many of the families socialized in other settings too. I’ve never experienced that in any parish. For most of the year coffee was during the Catechism classes after Mass but it continued during the summer.

 

[ConstantineTG]

Fellowship is important! Why do we go to the same church every Sunday and yet remain strangers to these people whom we worship God with? We are supposed to love our neighbors in every sense of the word. How are we to be in communion with one another with all the saints when we can’t even form casual relationships at least with one another.