Ladies! I need some help? Advice!

[uofl19]

My wife is a stay at home Mom and ever since she has stayed at home, money has been extremely tight!! Having her go back to work is not something she wants to do and I don’t either. The problem is she still likes to spend money like their is 2 incomes and we have either overwithdrawn every 2 weeks since Sept or had to pull out of savings.

I for one, am a cheapskate. We have no debt except for the house but we are always in a money pinch. I refuse to back away from putting money into our Roth IRA and to my son’s college education account. She does not understand and wants to quit putting money into that so we can buy more short-term fun things.

The thing that bothers me the most is, I have a part-time valet parking job that is 1-2 nights a week and I umpire a lot of High School baseball and AAU baseball in the spring and summer that helps pay for things like going out to eat, small vacations etc.etc… With all the money problems we have had she gets so upset about me working a 2nd job a night or 2 a week or 3-4 days during baseball. To the point where she says working that much is evil. I just don’t get it?? She absolutely hates it!! I try to get her to understand that I am not out playing golf, at a bar, casino etc.etc… where I am wasting money, I’m earning it. I’m working on average 45-50 hrs a week and just trying to slide by.

I am concerned because she knew how much I enjoyed umpiring when we 1st started dating and valeting is a piece of cake and let her know this is who I am. I mean I’m afraid as time goes on it’s just going to get worse now with a child at home, it’s not like I’m working 100 hrs a week and neglecting my family. She basically wants me to not leave home until 8:10 so I can get to work at 8:30 and then be home at 5:20 from work and not leave a minute later. Help me out?? Am I wrong here??

 

[anna1978]

I’m a woman, and I stay at home with my 2 young daughters…and you sound like a hard-working man who is, from what you write here, trying to do right. Your wife, on the other hand has to understand she can have it both ways, for her to be able to stay at home, she has to curb her spending AND understand that you may have to work longer hours. If she has a problem with that, honestly…she needs to get out and work or do work-from-home…Living on one-income in a two-income society is hard and requires sacrifices, she needs to understand that!

Anna x

 

[8isgr8]

You are right, of course. If she wants you to work the hours of one job, then she needs to live on the income of one job.

But of course the trick is getting her to see that and make her choice (more work/more money or less work/less money) and be happy with it.

 

[uofl19]

Thanks Anna, you for one are on my side. I guess what makes me mad is before we got married , I paid off 13K of her credit card debt. Not to slam her but for people to understand her work ethic is ATROCIOUS!! She hated work and all she ever dreamed of was to be a stay at home Mom. She comes from an evenagelcal background. Maybe they think differently than us Catholics about work. She charged up all kinds of stuff when she was single and even though she likes being debt free and really appreciated me doing that for her she has not changed her spending habits.

I come from a hard working family where you don’t work you don’t get paid. You can’t pay for it, you can’t buy it.

Not to mention she compalined to me that her best friend and her husband and 2 infants are going to D. World. Says we never do anything. Said they are putting it on their credit card and plan on paying it off in 3 months. YEAH RIGHT!! Says why can’t we do that?? I would rather umpire!! She is a great lady and a great Mom but she drives me crazy with this, you think after being in debt like that you would learn your lesson but she has not.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

You are definitely correct. Do not quit saving for the long term. You never know what will happen. I am a SAHM and my husband works his tail off. I saw a need to make some extra money and posted for advice on here and several people recommended that I sell stuff online. I am a librarian so I just took my love of books and turned it into an opportunity to make money. I go to thrift stores and old book stores and buy books and then I sell them on Amazon. It works out really well because I get to bring in extra money and still shop for books. I actually have a part time job where I work one, maybe two days a month that I am thinking about quitting so I can spend more time selling books. I make more money selling books anyway. It is more rewarding and doesn’t require time away from the little ones. Maybe you could propose something like that to your wife so she could actually make money from her love of shopping. I don’t know how legit it is but I am always seeing people advertising for mystery shoppers to go in and evaluate stores, and you get to keep what you buy.

 

[1ke]

uofl19:

The problem is she still likes to spend money like their is 2 incomes and we have either overwithdrawn every 2 weeks since Sept or had to pull out of savings.

This is completely irresponsible and totally unacceptable. She’s an adult, not a child, and she knows better. This may be a symptom of something else-- passive aggressive behavior like this is often a symptom of some other emotional problem.

uofl19:

I for one, am a cheapskate. We have no debt except for the house but we are always in a money pinch. I refuse to back away from putting money into our Roth IRA and to my son’s college education account.

You are right on target.

uofl19:

She does not understand and wants to quit putting money into that so we can buy more short-term fun things.

Shopping addiction could be a symptom of something larger emotionally, I encourage you to get both financial and marriage counseling. Perhaps she needs some personal counseling as well.

uofl19:

With all the money problems we have had she gets so upset about me working a 2nd job a night or 2 a week or 3-4 days during baseball. To the point where she says working that much is evil. I just don’t get it??

It’s not about the money, there is something else underlying this. If you quit the part time jobs, she will have to cut back even more. Give her the choice: cut back spending or quit complaining about the second job.

uofl19:

She absolutely hates it!! I try to get her to understand that I am not out playing golf, at a bar, casino etc.etc… where I am wasting money, I’m earning it. I’m working on average 45-50 hrs a week and just trying to slide by.

45 - 50 hrs is not unusual for “regular” jobs, so you are not working “excessively”. That said, she also may feel overwhelmed around the house, with the kids, etc.

uofl19:

She basically wants me to not leave home until 8:10 so I can get to work at 8:30 and then be home at 5:20 from work and not leave a minute later. Help me out?? Am I wrong here??

Your wife is either a very spoiled brat, having emotional problems, a control freak, or a combination of all of these. She is NOT rational about this. She’s a grown woman, she should not overdraw the accounts spending frivolously assuming she can add at an 8th grade level. This is a sign of a deeper problem.

Have you bought any of Dave Ramsey’s books? I’d highly recommend them-- they reinforce your goals and your logical approach to finances, and also addresses the emotional side of money.

I really have no sympathy for whiny wives who stay home and then complain about their husband’s work schedule-- being a wife myself I feel qualified to speak on this subject.

 

[1ke]

uofl19:

Not to slam her but for people to understand her work ethic is ATROCIOUS!! She hated work and all she ever dreamed of was to be a stay at home Mom. She comes from an evenagelcal background. Maybe they think differently than us Catholics about work.

I don’t think this is a Catholic vs Evangelical thing. This is a lazy person thing. And, it may be emotional/psychological in origin.

uofl19:

She charged up all kinds of stuff when she was single and even though she likes being debt free and really appreciated me doing that for her she has not changed her spending habits.

This confirms my assumption that she has emotional issues tied to money.

Now I definitely suggest Dave Ramsey. She needs counseling on the proper use of credit and getting her emotions and “keeping up with the Joneses” under control.

uofl19:

Not to mention she compalined to me that her best friend and her husband and 2 infants are going to D. World. Says we never do anything. Said they are putting it on their credit card and plan on paying it off in 3 months. YEAH RIGHT!! Says why can’t we do that??

Yep, keeping up with the Joneses, definitely. She is very immature. In retrospect, it was probably not the right thing to pay off her debt for her, but rather to put her on a repayment plan coming from her money or out of her allowance of spending money if she was not working. She is irresponsible and behaving badly. No excuses, however money behaviors are learned often in family of origin and through cultural norms. Our culture is a “spend now pay later” culture, and if she did not get any other message in her home life, if she was indulged, then she has some bad habits to unlearn.

uofl19:

She is a great lady and a great Mom but she drives me crazy with this, you think after being in debt like that you would learn your lesson but she has not.

She didn’t learn a lesson because you got her off the hook. Again, I seriously recommend financial counseling followed by marriage counseling.

 

[uofl19]

1KE, I am a Dave Ramsey Fantatic!! I have everyone of his books!! To her Dave Ramsey is unrealsitic!! Noone lives like that.

 

[Maureen_Fiore]

uofl19:

My wife is a stay at home Mom and ever since she has stayed at home, money has been extremely tight!! Having her go back to work is not something she wants to do and I don’t either. The problem is she still likes to spend money like their is 2 incomes and we have either overwithdrawn every 2 weeks since Sept or had to pull out of savings.

I for one, am a cheapskate. We have no debt except for the house but we are always in a money pinch. I refuse to back away from putting money into our Roth IRA and to my son’s college education account. She does not understand and wants to quit putting money into that so we can buy more short-term fun things.

The thing that bothers me the most is, I have a part-time valet parking job that is 1-2 nights a week and I umpire a lot of High School baseball and AAU baseball in the spring and summer that helps pay for things like going out to eat, small vacations etc.etc… With all the money problems we have had she gets so upset about me working a 2nd job a night or 2 a week or 3-4 days during baseball. To the point where she says working that much is evil. I just don’t get it?? She absolutely hates it!! I try to get her to understand that I am not out playing golf, at a bar, casino etc.etc… where I am wasting money, I’m earning it. I’m working on average 45-50 hrs a week and just trying to slide by.

I am concerned because she knew how much I enjoyed umpiring when we 1st started dating and valeting is a piece of cake and let her know this is who I am. I mean I’m afraid as time goes on it’s just going to get worse now with a child at home, it’s not like I’m working 100 hrs a week and neglecting my family. She basically wants me to not leave home until 8:10 so I can get to work at 8:30 and then be home at 5:20 from work and not leave a minute later. Help me out?? Am I wrong here??

No, you are 100% correct and I am a mother, I work a full-time job and take care of three children and a house. If she wants to stay home then she needs to help out. You work very hard and she should respect that and stop SPENDING!!!. I don’t know what it is like to work with one income because my husband is somewhat like you a big saver. Sometimes I have to tell him to stop and enjoy life. But in your case she needs to understand if she wants to stay home then she needs to help out too.

 

[1ke]

1KE, I am a Dave Ramsey Fantatic!! I have everyone of his books!! To her Dave Ramsey is unrealsitic!! Noone lives like that.

Then get her into counseling elsewhere-- marriage counseling, personal therapy… preferrably from a Caholic therapist.

She has problems and they are emotional in nature. Money is satisfying a need in her. Until you clear that up… she will not be happy. The unhappiness as a single person, the unhappiness as a working person, the unhappiness now as a stay at home mom…the spending excessive amounts of money-- it’s all symptoms. She has issues you cannot solve alone.

She is wrong about D. Ramsey, but you already know that. She is wrong about many things. I’m sorry that this came to light as it did after you were married. Ideally, she’d have gotten help for her issues before marriage.

Good luck. I know women like her, and I don’t envy you.

 

[beckyann2597]

Does she watch Oprah? Oprah is doing this thing called the “Debt Diet” and you can look it up on her website. If she respects/watches Oprah, and Oprah says this is a problem, she may be more receptive this this critism.

 

[MaryD7]

uofl19:

She comes from an evenagelcal background. Maybe they think differently than us Catholics about work. She charged up all kinds of stuff when she was single and even though she likes being debt free and really appreciated me doing that for her she has not changed her spending habits.

I had to laugh when I read that maybe it’s her evangelical background … ever hear of the Protestant Work Ethic? I come from an evangelical background and can assure you that they don’t teach slovenly ways! Not to say that your wife has slovenly ways either … she sounds a lot like me when I was in my 20’s. I had a job but didn’t prepare for the future like I should have. It’s a matter of growing up and prioritizing.

You didn’t say who pays the bills. I know that when I took over paying the bills it greatly increased my awareness of the financial situation in our house. Now, after 20 years, it is me nagging my husband not to be so frivolous with the spending. lol

Also, I heard someplace (don’t remember the source) that men tend to be savers in their 20’s. They are looking towards their futures and want it to be secure. Women, on the other hand, tend to be more of spenders in their 20’s. But the roles reverse as each gender ages. When a man is in his 40’s he becomes looser with the money whereas the women become tighter. How much of an universal truth this is, I’m not sure but I do know that it is true in our household.

 

[MaryD7]

Also, I meant to add this, I think that it’s very good idea that someone posted that she find some way to earn some ‘mad money’ for herself. This way she could spend it the way she sees fit and not have to answer to you or anyone else about where it goes. She would also see that in order for her to keep spending on the ‘extras’ she’s going to have to make x amount of dollars. Maybe she would respect then the money that you bring home.

 

[shannin]

uofl19:

My wife is a stay at home Mom and ever since she has stayed at home, money has been extremely tight!! Having her go back to work is not something she wants to do and I don’t either. The problem is she still likes to spend money like their is 2 incomes and we have either overwithdrawn every 2 weeks since Sept or had to pull out of savings. I for one, am a cheapskate. We have no debt except for the house but we are always in a money pinch. I refuse to back away from putting money into our Roth IRA and to my son’s college education account. She does not understand and wants to quit putting money into that so we can buy more short-term fun things.The thing that bothers me the most is, I have a part-time valet parking job that is 1-2 nights a week and I umpire a lot of High School baseball and AAU baseball in the spring and summer that helps pay for things like going out to eat, small vacations etc.etc… With all the money problems we have had she gets so upset about me working a 2nd job a night or 2 a week or 3-4 days during baseball. To the point where she says working that much is evil. I just don’t get it?? She absolutely hates it!! I try to get her to understand that I am not out playing golf, at a bar, casino etc.etc… where I am wasting money, I’m earning it. I’m working on average 45-50 hrs a week and just trying to slide by.
I am concerned because she knew how much I enjoyed umpiring when we 1st started dating and valeting is a piece of cake and let her know this is who I am. I mean I’m afraid as time goes on it’s just going to get worse now with a child at home, it’s not like I’m working 100 hrs a week and neglecting my family. She basically wants me to not leave home until 8:10 so I can get to work at 8:30 and then be home at 5:20 from work and not leave a minute later. Help me out?? Am I wrong here

No, you are not wrong. Your wife is not only wrong, she is very childish and immature. Instead of appreciating the fact that you are willing to work extra jobs so she can stay home she is giving you grief. Your wife needs to grow up, face reality and act like an adult. My advice to you is to get her into counseling as soon as possible. She sounds like the type of woman who would go on spending binges and then hide it from you. You may find yourself heavily in debt someday. For your own good, get her some help. She definitely has a problem.

 

[uofl19]

These are some slap you and th face and wake up answers you guys are giving me. She was also the Baby child of 4 kids and I think got spoiled by her mother who was already dead when we met. She is 36 yrs old and not in her 20’s.

As for her evangelical background, I can say they did not have a wealth of money themselves growing up which I don’t understand why she wants STUFF. STUFF STUFF!! and her family DEFINITELY did not emphasize saving money. It just was not that important. It was almost like you have an evil love of money if you haev too much green. The thing about it is because she buys things at Target, Thrift Stores and always on sale she thinks that is justifiable vs spending top dollar on stuff. IT STILL COSTS!!

Also too, which I forgot to mention her older sister is in a financial crisis herself. Her/My brother in law with their 5 kids used to make probably about 500K/year at one time and I would venture to say they spent about 499K/yr. She saw that lifestyle and the **** they had and I think she looks at it as she should have that stuff and it’s not fair. Well, he doesn’t have that job anymore. They moved from here in Louisville to Mobile where he is orginally from 2 yrs ago and they have only been here once for teh death of her father. WHY?? Because they can’t afford teh gas to come up here.

 

[Maureen_Fiore]

uofl19:

These are some slap you and th face and wake up answers you guys are giving me. She was also the Baby child of 4 kids and I think got spoiled by her mother who was already dead when we met. She is 36 yrs old and not in her 20’s.

As for her evangelical background, I can say they did not have a wealth of money themselves growing up which I don’t understand why she wants STUFF. STUFF STUFF!! and her family DEFINITELY did not emphasize saving money. It just was not that important. It was almost like you have an evil love of money if you haev too much green. The thing about it is because she buys things at Target, Thrift Stores and always on sale she thinks that is justifiable vs spending top dollar on stuff. IT STILL COSTS!!

Also too, which I forgot to mention her older sister is in a financial crisis herself. Her/My brother in law with their 5 kids used to make probably about 500K/year at one time and I would venture to say they spent about 499K/yr. She saw that lifestyle and the **** they had and I think she looks at it as she should have that stuff and it’s not fair. Well, he doesn’t have that job anymore. They moved from here in Louisville to Mobile where he is orginally from 2 yrs ago and they have only been here once for teh death of her father. WHY?? Because they can’t afford teh gas to come up here.

You know what, tell her to get a job and then maybe she could live the same lifestyle she is dreaming of. You need to put your foot down and tell her you can’t do it forever on your own. My husband and I are very cautious on every big item we purchase. I think maybe you should let her take over paying the bills like one poster suggested then maybe she will start to see the reality. Best of Luck to you.

 

[uofl19]

Actually she is in charege of the checkbook. However, she soemtimes doesn’t mark it in their everythime she goes to the store, etc.etc… Also, when we get low she very non-chalantly says you need to pull money out of savings.

I do pay the bills myself. Maybe that is a good idea. Make her pay them, then she will have an idea how expensive it is to live on a commission based income, with a 5 month old.

By the way, there is no way on this God Green Earth, she will go back to work. Unfortuantely, we don’t have a lot of options where we live except some very expensive daycare. She would probably divorce me if I forced her to go back to work.

 

[LSK]

Would she look into something like Crown Ministries that takes a spiritual, Biblical approach to debt and managing money?

 

[Maureen_Fiore]

Well that might be a problem if she does not maintain accurate checkbook. Maybe you better stay paying the bills and keep the checkbook too.

I guess pushing someone to get a job would not be good if she is use to stay home, but you can’t continue like this and she should really help out the situation. Maybe you guys should go see an advisor on how to manage money (for her of course)

 

[1ke]

uofl19:

Actually she is in charege of the checkbook. However, she soemtimes doesn’t mark it in their everythime she goes to the store, etc.etc… Also, when we get low she very non-chalantly says you need to pull money out of savings.

Honestly, if she’s going to act like a spoiled child, then I would treat her accordingly. I would get a new checking account in my name only and have my paycheck direct deposited into it. I would pay all the household bills, and I would give her a cash-basis allowance. Once it’s gone-- too bad. She can earn extra money on eBay, earn money by keeping one child in the home (you shouldn’t need to be licensed for one or two kids in your home), etc.

uofl19:

I do pay the bills myself. Maybe that is a good idea. Make her pay them, then she will have an idea how expensive it is to live on a commission based income, with a 5 month old.

I would handle the money myself, but I would sit down and go over expenses monthly together and make the budget for the following month. Yes, she needs to see it, but with her record of irresponsible behavior I would not give her the reins until she earns them.

uofl19:

By the way, there is no way on this God Green Earth, she will go back to work. Unfortuantely, we don’t have a lot of options where we live except some very expensive daycare. She would probably divorce me if I forced her to go back to work.

C-O-U-N-S-E-L-I-N-G.