Ladies! I need some help? Advice!

[1ke]

uofl19:

She was also the Baby child of 4 kids and I think got spoiled by her mother who was already dead when we met. She is 36 yrs old and not in her 20’s.

I can say they did not have a wealth of money themselves growing up which I don’t understand why she wants STUFF. STUFF STUFF!!

and her family DEFINITELY did not emphasize saving money. It just was not that important.

The thing about it is because she buys things at Target, Thrift Stores and always on sale she thinks that is justifiable vs spending top dollar on stuff. IT STILL COSTS!!

Her/My brother in law with their 5 kids used to make probably about 500K/year at one time and I would venture to say they spent about 499K/yr. She saw that lifestyle and the **** they had and I think she looks at it as she should have that stuff and it’s not fair.

Her issues are not about money. They are about self-esteem. She gets attention through her spending, she validates herself through the things she buys and accumulates, and clearly outward appearances are extremely important to her.

She needs professional help or she will sink you financially and continue to cause nothing but friction in your marriage.

Her attitude (ie, she’d divorce you if you “forced” her to work) smacks of emotional immaturity. I’m sorry but she was not ready to be a wife and mother. A woman of integrity and maturity does whatever is necessary for the good of her husband and her household.

 

[amills]

If daycare is very expensive and she wants to stay at home. Maybe she can provide daycare at a reasonable amount.

 

[MParedon]

Hi! There were some very good posts in this thread but I did want to address something that did raise a red flag for me.

As you noted she is Evangelical (which we all know doesn’t infer anything about all Evangelicals) but since she believes it is a sin or ‘evil’ as you put it, to work hard and try to save money. I think there might be a little bit of a solution available concerning this.

First, we can note that most family members; spouses, parent’s, and siblings do not tend to give as much ‘weight’ to the other member’s opinions as they would to a person in position of authority or outside of the family. Basically because there is always baggage in relationships and that tends to color things.

This is my long way to lead up to a good reason you need to discuss this with HER pastor. Tell him/her all that you have told us AND go into detail about the ‘evilness’ she attaches to what you are doing. Ask if you can bring her to him/her to discuss this the next time it comes up. If you can’t get her to go see him about this, then maybe he can do a sermon about it. I think her pastor might be able to talk to her about this and at the very least give her something to think about. She might hear him, where she won’t or can’t *hear *you.
At the very least her pastor can counsel you in a way that might help when you talk to her about these things and she brings up the spiritual aspects. She might not give weight to a Catholic explanation, whereas she might give more weight to an *Evangelical explanation.

*I do want to note that I’m not condoning Evangelical theology where it disagrees with Catholic theology (ex: Health and Wealth Gospel) but I’m sure there are many things that both faiths share that can be discussed.

 

[uofl19]

All these responses are great!! I really appreciate it!! 1ke. You are dead on. Her self-esteem is horrible!! I really don’t do anything socially outside of work because she does not like me gone from the house. Always worrying about if I think some other woman looks good because she has picked up some weight. BIG DEAL!!

However, her self-esteem is pretty low. I can’t imagine that her buying things helping but she did say the other day she said just buying the baby diapers on sale or some type of clothing is like therapy. That was words from her mouth Tuesday Night.

Like I said the 1 thing that infuriates me more than anything is my willingness to work extra and she gets so MAD! She says she needs relief from the baby. How I have no idea what it’s like being stuck with him all day. So she justifies by going out to the stores. By the way she was in tears and crying earlier today because I have to valet tonight. She said why would I volunteer to do that. This is her night to be able to go out to eat. AND I AIN"T TALKIN MC’DONALD’S EITHER!!

 

[Maureen_Fiore]

amills:

If daycare is very expensive and she wants to stay at home. Maybe she can provide daycare at a reasonable amount.

There ya go Now she could have “mad money” and make a contribution to the household.

 

[MaryD7]

uofl19:

Actually she is in charege of the checkbook. However, she soemtimes doesn’t mark it in their everythime she goes to the store, etc.etc… Also, when we get low she very non-chalantly says you need to pull money out of savings.

I do pay the bills myself. Maybe that is a good idea. Make her pay them, then she will have an idea how expensive it is to live on a commission based income, with a 5 month old.

By the way, there is no way on this God Green Earth, she will go back to work. Unfortuantely, we don’t have a lot of options where we live except some very expensive daycare. She would probably divorce me if I forced her to go back to work.

I can tell how frustrated you are. I can’t imagine that this makes for comfortable relations.

I’m not sure how the relationship is set up between the two of you so I am a little hesitant to speak but I can relate it how I feel with my husband. If I feel like he is dictating to me the how, what and where’s I tend to get my back up. And the same is true for him if he feels like I am treating him as such. But if we approach each other in the spirit of openess and (possibly?) compromise then we do much better communicating why we want to do things the way we want to do them. Maybe she doesn’t realize why you want to save for the future. Maybe she hasn’t yet learned to look around the corner to see that situations can happen that can put you in financial straits. And maybe you need to hear her out as to why she needs to buy ‘stuff’. Maybe some of her purchases are valid but maybe some are made out of loneliness, to feel good or just because she can now finally afford them. Sometimes when people grow up with little it takes a lot to satiate them when they are older.

This can be an opportunity to become closer and to work together towards a secure financial future. Treat her with the respect she deserves and hopefully she will treat your thoughts and wishes them same way.

Also, I would do the paying of the bills together so she can learn how you put the priorities in place and so you have the peace of mind that the bills are paid.

 

[MaryD7]

uofl19:

All these responses are great!! I really appreciate it!! 1ke. You are dead on. Her self-esteem is horrible!! I really don’t do anything socially outside of work because she does not like me gone from the house. Always worrying about if I think some other woman looks good because she has picked up some weight. BIG DEAL!!

However, her self-esteem is pretty low. I can’t imagine that her buying things helping but she did say the other day she said just buying the baby diapers on sale or some type of clothing is like therapy. That was words from her mouth Tuesday Night.

Like I said the 1 thing that infuriates me more than anything is my willingness to work extra and she gets so MAD! She says she needs relief from the baby. How I have no idea what it’s like being stuck with him all day. So she justifies by going out to the stores. By the way she was in tears and crying earlier today because I have to valet tonight. She said why would I volunteer to do that. This is her night to be able to go out to eat. AND I AIN"T TALKIN MC’DONALD’S EITHER!!

I was typing my response from before when you posted this so I crossed-wires with your thoughts.

I would sit down and talk with her. Get down to the nitty-gritty about what is going on. And don’t do it in a combative way but as a husband who truly loves and cares for his wife. You will probably not have the solution to her problems (she will have to do it on her own) but you can offer her love and support. Sometimes that’s all people need to know.

 

[1ke]

uofl19:

Her self-esteem is horrible!! …Always worrying about if I think some other woman looks good However, her self-esteem is pretty low.

Yep, that’s what I thought based on your posts.

uofl19:

I can’t imagine that her buying things helping but she did say the other day she said just buying the baby diapers on sale or some type of clothing is like therapy. That was words from her mouth Tuesday Night.

You don’t understand this because you are a man. You cannot relate to this idea of “shop therapy”. Although, men who are depressed or have esteem problems have their own ways of acting it out (drinking, cheating, porn, expensive toys, excessive amounts of time parked in front of the TV playing XBox and watching wrestling or Spike TV…)

It’s a way to boost esteem and comfort emotionally. Anything done in excess is an escape mechanism. She shops because she’s unhappy. The purchase temporarily makes her happy (even if it’s a purchase that is for someone else) and then the cycle starts over when the “high” wears off. So, out she goes for more stuff.

uofl19:

Like I said the 1 thing that infuriates me more than anything is my willingness to work extra and she gets so MAD! She says she needs relief from the baby. How I have no idea what it’s like being stuck with him all day. So she justifies by going out to the stores. By the way she was in tears and crying earlier today because I have to valet tonight. She said why would I volunteer to do that. This is her night to be able to go out to eat. AND I AIN"T TALKIN MC’DONALD’S EITHER!!

That’s because it’s not about you or the money. It’s about her esteem problem and her depression.

Now, you’ve been given the advice only you can act on it. Make an appointment with your priest first to discuss it with him. I also recommend the book For Better… Forever by Greg Popcak. Find a Catholic therapist, one who will work for a sliding scale, and make the appointment. Do an intervention with her-- and it’s not about the money. It’s about her.

If she doesn’t confront and conquer her issues, I promise you there is nothing you can do to change her behavior.

 

[MParedon]

After reading your last post, I also have a few more suggestions .

Maybe when you are available at home you can take her and the baby out to ‘DO’ something that is not-expensive but makes her feel like you are taking an interest in her more. You could also see if there are any not terribly expensive baby-sitters out there and maybe get her involved in something that would keep her occupied once a week. There are endless posibilities of things to do…volunteering at the Library, Nursing home, Hospital, her Church, Soup Kitchen. Maybe if she sees how good she has it in comparison to those in need it might help her.
Or she could try taking a class. There tend to be free or low-cost classes/activities offered in most every community, usually at Junior Colleges, Arts & Craft stores, Used Book Stores. Try checking out your city/town’s local community calendar for ideas.

 

[uofl19]

Thanks, GUys. I won’t have access to the computers until Monday. I will get through tonight and hopefully there won’t be any issues this coming weekend. I really want to avoid counseling at all costs because she has no idea yet that I think this has become such a critical problem. (I am a very low-keyed guy, where she is very high strung) It might freak her out if I suggested counseling but if it doesn’t get better then I will have no choice.

I have had my faults in the past as well and she wanted me to get counseling for a particular problem but I cut it out cold turkey.

Thanks again everyone for your caring responses. God Bless and I will get back with you next week.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

1ke:

You don’t understand this because you are a man. You cannot relate to this idea of “shop therapy”. Although, men who are depressed or have esteem problems have their own ways of acting it out (drinking, cheating, porn, expensive toys, excessive amounts of time parked in front of the TV playing XBox and watching wrestling or Spike TV…)

It’s a way to boost esteem and comfort emotionally. Anything done in excess is an escape mechanism. She shops because she’s unhappy. The purchase temporarily makes her happy (even if it’s a purchase that is for someone else) and then the cycle starts over when the “high” wears off. So, out she goes for more stuff. .

I have to admit that I shop for stress relief. I like it because I don’t have to talk to anyone. It is soothing to me to not have to interact with anyone after the intense interactions of daily care for six children. I get a boost when I get a great find. I like the anticipation of driving home to show off my purchases. I feel so pleased when I bring something home for someone, and they are so excited and grateful. The worst part is the paying part. Then I feel guilty and a little ashamed

However, I do all my stress relief shopping at thrift stores and second hand book stores. My husband doesn’t mind the twenty or thirty dollars I spend a couple times a month on these outings. Sometimes I am buying necessary things like shoes and filling in wardrobe needs. Sometimes it is more frivilous.

Perhaps your wife could modify her stress shopping to be less expensive. Perhaps you together could visit a flea market. It could be a fun date!

I just wanted to chime in because even though I’ve tried to substitute other leisure activities, I haven’t found anything that has the same effect. Please don’t judge me. My best outings include adoration time–my peace adjustment. Then a fun afternoon of cruising the second hand store. So, it’s not a habit easily broken.

 

[1ke]

JMJ Theresa:

I have to admit that I shop for stress relief…

I just wanted to chime in because even though I’ve tried to substitute other leisure activities, I haven’t found anything that has the same effect. Please don’t judge me.

And my weakness is cookbooks and home decorating magazines… they find their way into my shopping cart with regularity… but the difference between you, me, and the OP’s wife is that we are not spending what isn’t there.

I have no qualms about spending $ on things, or having some “shop therapy” at Barnes & Noble because we are not in debt, and I make a good salary myself. If the $ were not there to spend, I would be checking out cookbooks at the library.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

JMJ Theresa:

I have to admit that I shop for stress relief. I like it because I don’t have to talk to anyone. It is soothing to me to not have to interact with anyone after the intense interactions of daily care for six children. I get a boost when I get a great find. I like the anticipation of driving home to show off my purchases. I feel so pleased when I bring something home for someone, and they are so excited and grateful. The worst part is the paying part. Then I feel guilty and a little ashamed

You have summed me up in a nutshell, only I don’t have 6 children yet. I have 2 children and a family (mom, dad, siblings) that keep me engaged all day. I fix the ashamed part by selling the books online if they are worth anything. It is quite nice for me. I only buy books that I would be interested in anyway and then I bring them home and see how much I can resell them for on the Internet. If I can’t resell them, then I keep them. Usually, I can recoup my expenses and have some left over. I am filling my void and making money while I am at it. It is really the best of both worlds…no guilt shopping. The worse I feel about myself, the more I want to shop, go somewhere, or do something.

 

[Fr_Chuck]

Budget, get a budget in writting, and follow it and live on it.

Most likely you don’t have to even have a second job.

Next cut back or down.

 

[Celeste88]

ConcernCatholic:

You are definitely correct. Do not quit saving for the long term. You never know what will happen. I am a SAHM and my husband works his tail off. I saw a need to make some extra money and posted for advice on here and several people recommended that I sell stuff online. I am a librarian so I just took my love of books and turned it into an opportunity to make money. I go to thrift stores and old book stores and buy books and then I sell them on Amazon. It works out really well because I get to bring in extra money and still shop for books. I actually have a part time job where I work one, maybe two days a month that I am thinking about quitting so I can spend more time selling books. I make more money selling books anyway. It is more rewarding and doesn’t require time away from the little ones. Maybe you could propose something like that to your wife so she could actually make money from her love of shopping. I don’t know how legit it is but I am always seeing people advertising for mystery shoppers to go in and evaluate stores, and you get to keep what you buy.

I do the same thing! I’m retired by medical reasons. I try to get a little extra cash every chance I get. I’ve done surveys, sold on Ebay and Amazon. This year my sister will be holding a huge garage sale and we’ll be trying to get some extra $ from it. I’m also planning to sell my hand made rosaries at my church craft fair this year.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

uofl19:

These are some slap you and th face and wake up answers you guys are giving me. She was also the Baby child of 4 kids and I think got spoiled by her mother who was already dead when we met. She is 36 yrs old and not in her 20’s.

Well, in addition to Dave Ramsey, and counseling, try that witty evangelical, Kevin Leman. He is a hoot, and he is very oriented toward birth order as a PARTIAL explanation and way to understand and correct situations (being a youngest, he should know).

http://www.drleman.com/index.php

I am also very fond of the old Tightwad Gazette books. Amy Dacyczyn makes tightwadding fun and funny. amazon.com/gp/product/0375752250/104-3822254-3827928?v=glance&n=283155

Trust me when I tell you evangelicals as a majority are not in favor of overspending (some of the more fundamental ones don’t even believe in credit cards).

 

[triciafrancess]

uof19,

I’m not saying this to chastise you, but it’s not like you didn’t have clue before you got married. I speak from experience, except that I, the woman, am the hard working breadwinner with a spender for a husband. He doesn’t work, but receives disability.

Your spouse is not going to change, no matter how right you are or how wrong she is. But may I ask, why the heck is she in charge of the checkbook? I know, I know – you work so much that it really isn’t fair that you should have to take care of the finances, too. Been there!

You cannot make her change, but you can take control of the money. Get rid of your joint bank accounts and keep track of the money you are earning. That doesn’t mean she won’t have secret credit cards – she probably will – but because she has no income, it might be harder for her to hide them than it is for my husband.

I wish you well, but I have lost hope for my own situation. I live in dread of what I’m going to find out and how much I’m going to owe when my husband dies.

Tricia Frances

 

[beckyann2597]

OutinChgoburbs:

Trust me when I tell you evangelicals as a majority are not in favor of overspending (some of the more fundamental ones don’t even believe in credit cards).

I agree, I think it is what is called western consumerism at its best. I would like to say American consumerism, but I feel it is not just an american trend, its worldwide.

 

[mommyaprilj]

Cancel all joint credit cards, send letters to all major credit card companies that you won’t be responsible for debt on cards they give HER, give her an allowance, and tell her to get a grip or a JOB.

 

[wacky_wonderful]

uofl19:

My wife is a stay at home Mom and ever since she has stayed at home, money has been extremely tight!! Having her go back to work is not something she wants to do and I don’t either. The problem is she still likes to spend money like their is 2 incomes and we have either overwithdrawn every 2 weeks since Sept or had to pull out of savings.

I for one, am a cheapskate. We have no debt except for the house but we are always in a money pinch. I refuse to back away from putting money into our Roth IRA and to my son’s college education account. She does not understand and wants to quit putting money into that so we can buy more short-term fun things.

The thing that bothers me the most is, I have a part-School baseball and AAU baseball in the spring and summer that helps pay for things like going out to eat, small vacations etc.etc… With all the money problems we have had she gets so upset about me working a 2nd job a night or 2 a week or 3-4 days during baseball. To the point where she says working that much is evil. I just don’t get it?? She absolutely hates it!! I try to get her to understand that I am not out playing golf, at a bar, casino etc.etc… where I am wasting money, I’m earning it. I’m working on average 45-50 hrs a week and just trying to slide by.

I am concerned because she knew how much I enjoyed umpiring when we 1st started dating and valeting is a piece of cake and let her know this is who I am. I mean I’m afraid as time goes on it’s just going to get worse now with a child at home, it’s not like I’m working 100 hrs a week and neglecting my family. She basically wants me to not leave home until 8:10 so I can get to work at 8:30 and then be home at 5:20 from work and not leave a minute later. Help me out?? Am I wrong here??/QUOTE