Ladies Only: Top 10 Qualities of Ideal Husband Before Marriage

[JamalChristophr]

What were those things that comprised the ideal husband before saying “I do!” ? How have you modified your criteria or qualities and most important roles to be filled by an ideal husband before marriage? You may just give the qualities (seven to ten?) of the ideal man before your got married. This topic might be simplest. But if you would like to modify the question by comparing to most valued qualities after marriage you may do so. (I could get more elaborate in this question, but this might be simplest and not quite so “personal” as deeper questions).

(If someone wants to add or change the question slightly feel free to do so.)

This puts us men in a bit of a conflicted postion, however, as you know. It’s hard to be two guys at the same time, or quickly transition from one to the next.

 

[pensmama87]

One thing I told myself I wanted before marriage was a guy who was willing to be “spontaneous” - to do fun things on a whim, who wasn’t afraid to have new experiences. I knew I *wasn’t *like that, so it might be a good balance.

I think my idea of that kind of mellowed into “willing to roll with the punches” because there are a lot of unexpected surprises that come with parenthood, especially, but it’s not the same as, “Hey, let’s go on a trip to [place] today,” which isn’t always possible.

Something else I wanted was a sense of humor, which I still would put on the list, but with the caveat that the humor shouldn’t be rude or at the expense of other people, and that the joker is willing to put aside the comedy when someone asks him to stop. That does seem to be a skill that can be learned, though, and I was patient enough to wait for it to be learned.

 

[Casilda]

Being the youngest of a large family with lots of cousins who made horrible choices regarding spouses, my list or criteria was pretty practical,

Had to be a believing, practicing Christian
His parents had to be still married, no divorce
He had to respect his parents
Had to have a work ethic

Two criteria I would add now, and ask my children to look for in their prospective spouses, truthfulness and faithfulness. Those qualities are NOT a given if you marry a Christian.

 

[fencersmother]

Good advice I heard from an old Polish lady, who celebrated her 75th wedding anniversary before they both died, w/in two weeks of each other:

Make sure he loves you twice as much as you love him.

From a long-time married perspective, those qualities one first finds in a prospective spouse which really seem wonderful: spontaneity, devil-may-care, messiness, life-of-the-party, may just be those things which drive you CRAZY ten years and five kids later. Then, one might be hoping one’s husband is loving routine, totally attentive to detail, so neat his socks fold themselves, and a go-to-bed-at-9:30 type.

You don’t marry the person you can live with, you marry the person you can’t live without.

 

[Kelfa28]

Women can, do and should modify their “lists” of ideal qualities when they are looking for a man who is husband material.

If we don’t…most of us would still be looking.

My list changed a lot.

Before I met my husband…my list didn’t include anything that had to do with being a Christian or organized religion in general. Although…I knew, even as a secularist, that I didn’t want to date a Muslim man.

He was a devote Christian that really intimidated me at first…but also intrigued me too. He converted me to Christianity and we both converted to Catholicism together.

I knew I wanted to Marry a man who was either gainfully employed or had the potential to be gainfully employed.

I wanted to marry a man who was honest, serious, loving and selfless.
I wanted to marry a man who wanted to be a father and have several children.

I knew I didn’t want to date anyone who was either divorced and/or had children with someone else.
That was a non-negotiable for me.
Also, I didn’t want to date someone who had interests or beliefs outside of my comfort zone.
While my husband was a Christian…he was in between Churches and didn’t belong to any Parish or denomination in particular.
Unless he was Catholic…I probably would have stopped seeing him if he was any other form of Christianity that I was unfamiliar with.
I was baptized Catholic and went to CCD for a few years but we stopped going to Church and CCD when I was around 10.

 

[wild_thing]

So…I was reminiscing for this thread about what I had thought were important qualities in a future spouse back in my late teens/early twenties. Let’s have a look, shall we? In no particular order:

• dark curly hair
• tall
• sense of humor
• a foreign accent
• a swimmer’s body with broad shoulders
• dresses “alternative”
• not a big party-er
• intelligent and sensitive
• a big heart

So basically I wanted to marry Gavin Rossdale.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’d be careful about marrying anybody who is looking for the “ideal” husband. Look for someone who wants to truly love and be truly loved in return, and willing to make the sacrifices that will necessarily be required to make that happen for a lifetime.

Where did “I do” come from? Two things:
Easy affection: We liked pleasing each other and going out of our way to do it and we did not find putting up with each other’s faults unduly difficult.
Respect: We knew that even though we would not always agree, we had each found someone in the other whose opinions we could bring ourselves to honor even when that opinion did not agree with our own. That is because we had trust in, respect for, and generous affection for the source.

Never marry someone you think needs “modification” in order to be a lifetime spouse, and do not expect that you will ever find some “ideal” who is not going to require you to sacrifice and make accommodations. You should not even want that. The generosity required in loving a real human being instead of a plaster saint “ideal” is part of the work that makes you into a saint. Read the early chapters of Luke and read the story of the wedding feast at Cana. Those are the interactions of the Family that was truly the ideal. There were misunderstandings and unexpected demands from Providence, there was obedience, there was accommodation. That is true ideal we are looking to emulate. Let no other imagined ideal take the place of that.

 

[Xantippe]

From a long-time married perspective, those qualities one first finds in a prospective spouse which really seem wonderful: spontaneity, devil-may-care, messiness, life-of-the-party, may just be those things which drive you CRAZY ten years and five kids later.

Right.

 

[Xantippe]

I The generosity required in loving a real human being instead of a plaster saint “ideal” is part of the work that makes you into a saint. Read the early chapters of Luke and read the story of the wedding feast at Cana. Those are the interactions of the Family that was truly the ideal. There were misunderstandings, there was obedience, there was accommodation. That is true ideal we are looking to emulate. Let no other imagined ideal take the place of that.

Right.

Even very good people can disagree with each other, and less good people, even more so.

 

[Xantippe]

What were those things that comprised the ideal husband before saying “I do!” ? How have you modified your criteria or qualities and most important roles to be filled by an ideal husband before marriage? You may just give the qualities (seven to ten?) of the ideal man before your got married. This topic might be simplest. But if you would like to modify the question by comparing to most valued qualities after marriage you may do so. (I could get more elaborate in this question, but this might be simplest and not quite so “personal” as deeper questions).

(If someone wants to add or change the question slightly feel free to do so.)

This puts us men in a bit of a conflicted postion, however, as you know. It’s hard to be two guys at the same time, or quickly transition from one to the next.

I don’t think I did have a huge “list” when I met my husband, aside from being certain that I wanted to meet and marry a Christian man. My previous boyfriend had been 1) non-Christian 2) much older than me 3) marginally employed 4) divorced 5) had a kid and 6) physically pushy, so my future husband immediately got high marks by being 1) a well-informed and fervent Catholic 2) 2.5 years older than me 3) a graduate student like me (well, OK, that is a lot like “marginally employed” 4) never-married 5) no kid and 6) gentlemanly. Beyond that, my future husband was literally the first well-informed Catholic my age that I had ever met, as well as the first serious Christian that I ever seriously dated. Lists or box-checking had really nothing to do with it–I was simply so impressed by how smart and interesting he was (years later, I not infrequently have people tell me that my husband is the smartest person they’ve ever met) and quite infatuated and swept off my feet.

We got engaged and married pretty fast. There were a lot of things about marriage and about living with my husband and about myself that I didn’t realize when we got married, but it hasn’t been fatally problematic. I had the benefit of married parents and grandparents, but what I didn’t have was the benefit of seeing any of them iron out disagreements civilly in front of us kids. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my grandparents disagree (late in life, I’ve realized that grandpa is kind of messy and a collector, while grandma is the opposite) and my parents either had huge fights or quiet conversations away from the peanut gallery, so I never got to see disagreements being worked out. So, it has taken us a long time to figure this out on our own, but I think we’re doing really well.

I think that beyond checking boxes, it’s important to have a good procedural relationship. Some examples and issues:

1. This might mean regular budget meetings and living on the agreed-upon budget.
2. One also needs to be able to negotiate areas of competency for both spouses and then largely leave the other spouse to get on with it, rather than hovering or critiquing (unless there are major safety issues involved). Also, as life situations change, the division of labor is going to need to change, too, so one needs to be prepared for the fact that the initial division of labor did not come down from Mt. Sinai on stone tablets–it’s going to need to be revised as circumstances change.
3. I think that spouses ought to have roughly equal free time and personal spending money.
4. A messy spouse may appreciate having areas (say a garage or sewing room) to let their hair down and be comfy. Shared areas may be kept tidy to household standards.
5. For very important decisions that aren’t emergencies, it may be a good idea to require a “yes” from both spouses before proceeding. For instance, in buying a house, why not wait until you find a house that both can tolerate?
6. I think turn-taking can be as important as compromise, if not more so. How about you take turns choosing a movie or a restaurant, rather than compromising on one that you are both “meh” about?
7. In the case of disagreement, how about a tie-breaker? You can use either the internet (the internet says not to do that with the washing machine!) or, in less objective situations, go to a pastor or marriage counselor or financial counselor for a tie-breaker.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

1. I think turn-taking can be as important as compromise, if not more so. How about you take turns choosing a movie or a restaurant, rather than compromising on one that you are both “meh” about?

This is why communication is so important-because there is no one size fits all for relationships and marriage. The idea of talking turns picking movies and restaurants is very foreign to me. In the 6 years that I’ve been with my husband I don’t think I’ve ever outright picked a meal or activity, and the idea of it makes me kind of uncomfortable.

But I would recommend taking turns to other couples, just because our system is just kind of our natural, unspoken dynamic and you can’t really advise someone on how to create that.

No matter what your gender or religion, when it comes to dating or marriage, COMMUNICATION is essential. It’s one if the few universal necessities.

 

[josie_L]

What were those things that comprised the ideal husband before saying “I do!” ? How have you modified your criteria or qualities and most important roles to be filled by an ideal husband before marriage? You may just give the qualities (seven to ten?) of the ideal man before your got married. This topic might be simplest. But if you would like to modify the question by comparing to most valued qualities after marriage you may do so. (I could get more elaborate in this question, but this might be simplest and not quite so “personal” as deeper questions).

(If someone wants to add or change the question slightly feel free to do so.)

This puts us men in a bit of a conflicted postion, however, as you know. It’s hard to be two guys at the same time, or quickly transition from one to the next.

Well, I’m not married, but the qualities that I seek in a husband (if that is God’s will for me) would be:

He must be honourable, kind, assertive, hard-working, funny (even silly), intelligent (book and street smarts), attractive (or at least care about his appearance/hygiene), prudent, and a practicing Christian (preferably Catholic).

I hope I’m not reaching for the stars but I’d like my future husband to exude these qualities.

 

[EasterJoy]

Right.

Even very good people can disagree with each other, and less good people, even more so.

That is what I meant, thank you. You can’t choose a spouse you are never going to disagree with. The difference is not that happily married couples never have complaints. It is when you complain, how you complain, the skills and attitudes you have when you work out complaints, how many things you do not see eye to eye on, how important those things are, and so on. If you think there is someone out there that you’ll never disagree with, well, that is not going to happen. If you think you’ll never complain, that only happens extremely rarely, and between people who have exceptionally generous hearts towards each other and unusually complementary likes and dislikes. Even they have differences; they just have the habit of counting them as opportunities to be giving. That is why their differences don’t register with them as “complaints.”

 

[Xantippe]

This is why communication is so important-because there is no one size fits all for relationships and marriage. The idea of talking turns picking movies and restaurants is very foreign to me. In the 6 years that I’ve been with my husband I don’t think I’ve ever outright picked a meal or activity, and the idea of it makes me kind of uncomfortable.

It’s even more complicated at our house, given that the 12-year-old and 10-year-old also feel free to offer opinions on meals out. Rather than attempting to compromise and suit everybody every time, we tend to take turns (so, if it’s a child’s birthday or the child had a special event we are celebrating, the child gets to choose).

I have to claim a turn now and then, or I’d never get to go to Panera’s, and I love their salads. This is kind of a big deal to me, because we don’t go out a lot (even IHOP is expensive for a family with two adults three kids), so unless I get a turn, it would probably be 33% counter-service Mexican, 33% Chinese buffet and 33% IHOP.

 

[EasterJoy]

… I think turn-taking can be as important as compromise, if not more so. How about you take turns choosing a movie or a restaurant, rather than compromising on one that you are both “meh” about?..

The important thing is to find someone for whom you are willing to be generous. I told my younger relatives not to marry anyone “for whom you would not be willing to live in an ugly house.” That will get you a LONG ways!!

 

[Xantippe]

That is what I meant, thank you. You can’t choose a spouse you are never going to disagree with. The difference is not that happily married couples never have complaints. It is when you complain, how you complain, the skills and attitudes you have when you work out complaints, how many things you do not see eye to eye on, how important those things are, and so on. If you think there is someone out there that you’ll never disagree with, well, that is not going to happen.

That’s one of the problems with the term “soulmate”–it strongly suggests that if you find the right someone, you’ll never ever disagree about anything.

 

[Xantippe]

The important thing is to find someone for whom you are willing to be generous. I told my younger relatives not to marry anyone “for whom you would not be willing to live in an ugly house.” That will get you a LONG ways!!

But they shouldn’t be making you live in an ugly house forever, just out of sheer bloody-mindedness, when you could just as well afford a nicer house.

 

[cheezey]

Good advice I heard from an old Polish lady, who celebrated her 75th wedding anniversary before they both died, w/in two weeks of each other:

Make sure he loves you twice as much as you love him.…
You don’t marry the person you can live with, you marry the person you can’t live without.

Well, I’m not married, but the qualities that I seek in a husband (if that is God’s will for me) would be:

He must be honourable, kind, assertive, hard-working, funny (even silly), intelligent (book and street smarts), attractive (or at least care about his appearance/hygiene), prudent, and a practicing Christian (preferably Catholic).

I hope I’m not reaching for the stars but I’d like my future husband to exude these qualities.

Well, there’s my list…for the most part…Intelligent, strong work ethic, whimsical in a child-like way. Most definitley not childish, like someone I will not mention…
Oh! and tall. Definitely that.

But they shouldn’t be making you live in an ugly house forever, just out of sheer bloody-mindedness, when you could just as well afford a nicer house.

And there we have it!! Abso-posi-tutely!!! Yes!!!

 

[JamalChristophr]

The important thing is to find someone for whom you are willing to be generous. I told my younger relatives not to marry anyone “for whom you would not be willing to live in an ugly house.” That will get you a LONG ways!!

I’ve been reading, reading, reading…and probably should be taking notes! But I do like this little one-liner.

I feel a bit like Dr. Frankenstein here. The “fairer sex” has much to say on this topic. (Hope I do not get into trouble for making use of that phrase.) I am very impressed with the depth of wisdom and just plain excellent practical knowledge about married life and such found here.

…

Well, there’s my list…for the most part…Intelligent, strong work ethic, whimsical in a child-like way. Most definitley not childish, like someone I will not mention…

Oh! I think I get it now. (maybe) All men tend to worry (rightly so) at this allusion.

 

[GregorysArmy]

Aside from the obvious morality and work ethic importance, I think it is relevant that the two will become one. I believe this to mean that one’s weakness is the other’s strength and vise versa. It’s a balancing act. A good team has this. Been married 20 years and I look at my spouse as my partner where we do better together than apart. Our spouse should make us want to grow the good parts of ourselves and fix the faulty parts.