Ladies Only: Top 10 Qualities of Ideal Husband Before Marriage

[EasterJoy]

But they shouldn’t be making you live in an ugly house forever, just out of sheer bloody-mindedness, when you could just as well afford a nicer house.

Actually, I meant living in a purple house because he or she loves purple and you hate it. Marry the person* for whom you would be willing* to live in a purple house, even though *you *hate purple as a house color. That doesn’t mean you can’t honestly object to buying a purple house when the topic comes up for debate. I only mean that you ought to expect yourself to be that generous. You will be happier if you are, and give yourself credit for being generous when you give in on things like this. The chances are that you will be relieved to find that you never have to live in a purple house for your whole married life, but only have to make smaller personal sacrifices: like putting up with a truly ugly “favorite shirt” for instance. (That is small potatoes, compared to having to let an ugly house grow on you because you allowed it to be your testament to how fond you are of your spouse! )

Get your head used to living in the truly terrible house because of how much you love this king or queen of your life, and it is mentally easy going after that. Still, there are only some people in this life for whom our natural affection will give the consolations necessary for that kind of charity. Choose who you marry partly on that basis–it is not “cheating”!

 

[EasterJoy]

Here is a nugget of wisdom I picked up from a news story about a couple who had been married 60 years.

When the gentleman was asked about his secret to such a long and happy marriage, he said this:
I get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and tell myself: Well, you’re no big prize, yourself.

I LOVE that one!!

 

[Xantippe]

Actually, I meant living in a purple house because he or she loves purple and you hate it. Marry the person* for whom you would be willing* to live in a purple house, even though *you *hate purple as a house color. That doesn’t mean you can’t honestly object to buying a purple house when the topic comes up for debate. I only mean that you ought to expect yourself to be that generous.

**Does every inch of the house inside the house (including areas where the spouse doesn’t spend much time) need to be purple?

It seems to me that that’s rather unkind of the spouse that loves purple if their spouse violently hates the color.

Why not just choose a few rooms to be purple (namely the ones where the purple-loving spouse spends most of their time)?**

 

[EasterJoy]

Does every inch of the house inside the house (including areas where the spouse doesn’t spend much time) need to be purple?

It seems to me that that’s rather unkind of the spouse that loves purple if their spouse violently hates the color.

Why not just choose a few rooms to be purple (namely the ones where the purple-loving spouse spends most of their time)?

Are you willing to put up with something that violates your personal sense of aesthetics–or even the “universal” standards of aesthetics–merely because that ugly thing pleases your spouse? If the person you want to marry has such a claim on your affections that pleasing him or her sweetens the experience of something that would otherwise be repugnant to you for reasons having to do with your personal tastes, then that is a very good sign.

It means that when you are forced to choose between pleasing your beloved or pleasing yourself, you want to please your beloved. Having a natural source of that sort of generosity–and it is a natural sort of generosity I refer to, not the even-higher generosity that we will ourselves to choose by the help of supernatural grace–is very helpful in doing the supernatural work of self-denial that a Christian marriage requires.

It is EXTREMELY important to realize that this is a natural inclination, however! C.S. Lewis pointed this out very slyly in Letter 26 of the Screwtape Letters:

…The erotic enchantment produces a mutual complaisance in which each is really pleased to give in to the wishes of the other. They also know that the Enemy demands of them a degree of charity which, if attained, would result in similar actions. You must make them establish as a Law for their whole married life that degree of mutual self-sacrifice which is at present sprouting naturally out of the enchantment, but which, when the enchantment dies away, they will not have charity enough to enable them to perform. They will not see the trap, since they are under the double blindness of mistaking sexual excitement for charity and of thinking that the excitement will last…

I cannot state too strongly how important it is to avoid being falsely generous. If you give in to your spouse and feel yourself feeling put out that they aren’t grateful enough, you’ve given beyond your charity. That is not selfless. That is like writing a bad emotional check. It is FAR better to frankly say up front that you are not moving into a purple house, no way, no how, ain’t gonna happen and to work it out from there than to falsely give in and pretend it is a pure gift from your affection when it is actually the source for a secret grudge that you are going to keep alive and yet keep a secret from your spouse or use to needle your spouse with little sour fruits of resentment that you throw in their food from time to time without warning. That is not fair to either of you! What you give, really give. What you don’t have to give, don’t pretend to give. That ought to be an ironclad rule.

Thanks for encouraging me to make that clarification!

 

[Xantippe]

Are you willing to put up with something that violates your personal sense of aesthetics–or even the “universal” standards of aesthetics–merely because that ugly thing pleases your spouse? If the person you want to marry has such a claim on your affections that pleasing him or her sweetens the experience of something that would otherwise be repugnant to you for reasons having to do with your personal tastes, then that is a very good sign.

It means that when you are forced to choose between pleasing your beloved or pleasing yourself, you want to please your beloved. Having a natural source of that sort of generosity–and it is a natural sort of generosity I refer to, not the even-higher generosity that we will ourselves to choose by the help of supernatural grace–is very helpful in doing the supernatural work of self-denial that a Christian marriage requires.

Why can’t the spouses split the difference? Why does one of the spouses have to be made uncomfortable all the time forever and ever (especially if that’s the person that is home more and has to look at it more) just to demonstrate how much they love the other?

It’s one thing to have one big ugly tchotchke at home, but it’s another to have the entire house be a big ugly tchotchke.

 

[EasterJoy]

Why can’t the spouses split the difference? Why does one of the spouses have to be made uncomfortable all the time forever and ever (especially if that’s the person that is home more and has to look at it more) just to demonstrate how much they love the other?

It’s one thing to have one big ugly tchotchke at home, but it’s another to have the entire house be a big ugly tchotchke.

While it is a good thing when you are willing to give up what you want in order to please your spouse, it is infinitely better to be open about what you will and won’t accept than to pretend to accept what you actually resent. The latter is a marriage killer. Give what you have to give, and don’t pretend you’re giving more. That is a terrible trap, a source of emotional rot and cancer, and it will come back to bite both of you. So yes, you are right to say that should be avoided at all costs.

Why can’t the spouses split the difference? They can, of course. The pitfall there is the expectation that the split will be fair. You can’t spend your life concerning yourself whether you give as much as he gives or vice versa. That saps the life from any friendship. You should, however, feel that love is both given and received. I am not advocating for some cheap sort of self-satisfied martyrdom, and thank you for cautioning people away from thinking that is some kind of ideal. It is better to give a bit more than half, secure in the knowledge that if you both give a bit more than you think is half, you’ll probably come out pretty close to something that is actually fair.

The spouse willing to live in an ugly house is not likely to go unrewarded, but may be unaware of it! He or she will probably be blissfully unaware that yes, their spouse really does think their beloved dog and dear old cat are both as ugly and/or annoying as he or she says they are. We are blind to the discomfort of others when it comes to tolerating us and our foibles. Even when being painfully honest from our own perspective, we are painfully far from true honesty. It is the human condition! Look for mutual generosity in that area. It will go a long ways!

 

[JamalChristophr]

I wonder if it’s important to look for a husband (or wife?) that is fully committed to going to **confession **regularly?

…just popped into my head…

And still stuck on that one word… tchotchke??

I am fairly certain that St. Therese of the Child Jesus and St. Catherine of Siena chose the best spouse.

Either state in life is a means of sanctification that brings us to the Cross.

 

[Xantippe]

I wonder if it’s important to look for a husband (or wife?) that is fully committed to going to **confession **regularly?

That’s not a bad one.

…just popped into my head…

And still stuck on that one word… tchotchke??

.**…or knick knack, if you prefer. **

 

[JamalChristophr]

Got it!

I thought these…tchotchke…were a woman’s domain anyways. So those little things we men collect here and there really do bug you, huh?

Never would have crossed my mind.

 

[Xantippe]

Got it!

I thought these…tchotchke…were a woman’s domain anyways. So those little things we men collect here and there really do bug you, huh?

Never would have crossed my mind.

No, Easter Joy was talking about how you ought to be able to tolerate an ugly purple house for your beloved, and I was arguing that it isn’t fair to insist that a spouse live in an ugly purple house indefinitely, just to demonstrate love.

I was pointing out that it isn’t fair or necessary to do that one’s whole life–if one spouse loves purple, they can have PART of the house purple, but not the whole thing. I used the term tchotchke when saying that it’s great to tolerate a huge ugly tchotchke for the sake of your spouse, but it shouldn’t be true that the whole house is a huge ugly tchotchke. There should be some relief somewhere from your spouse’s rampaging bad taste.

 

[Walking_Home]

No, Easter Joy was talking about how you ought to be able to tolerate an ugly purple house for your beloved, and I was arguing that it isn’t fair to insist that a spouse live in an ugly purple house indefinitely, just to demonstrate love.

I was pointing out that it isn’t fair or necessary to do that one’s whole life–if one spouse loves purple, they can have PART of the house purple, but not the whole thing. I used the term tchotchke when saying that it’s great to tolerate a huge ugly tchotchke for the sake of your spouse, but it shouldn’t be true that the whole house is a huge ugly tchotchke. There should be some relief somewhere from your spouse’s rampaging bad taste.

---

Yes – agree. This would also be the time for the couple to sit down and and take the issue of house color under discussion. With the availability of house colors – I’d say putting their heads together – they can find a color that is agreeable to both of them.

 

[JamalChristophr]

No, Easter Joy was talking about how you ought to be able to tolerate an ugly purple house for your beloved, and I was arguing that it isn’t fair to insist that a spouse live in an ugly purple house indefinitely, just to demonstrate love.

I was pointing out that it isn’t fair or necessary to do that one’s whole life–if one spouse loves purple, they can have PART of the house purple, but not the whole thing. I used the term tchotchke when saying that it’s great to tolerate a huge ugly tchotchke for the sake of your spouse, but it shouldn’t be true that the whole house is a huge ugly tchotchke. There should be some relief somewhere from your spouse’s rampaging bad taste.

Thanks for translating.

Maybe I"m old fashioned…and still outside the loop…but it seems like 90% of the domestic landscape…as far as aesthetics go…should be of the woman’s choosing.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks for translating.

Maybe I"m old fashioned…and still outside the loop…but it seems like 90% of the domestic landscape…as far as aesthetics go…should be of the woman’s choosing.

Bless you!

May your future wife cherish you as you richly deserve!

 

[jeannetherese]

I didn’t really have a top ten list, but, when I was younger, I placed a great deal of emphasis upon being an intellectual and upon being in-sync politically.
This has changed over time.
Being pro-life is a non-negotiable but I’ve also come place a greater emphasis upon the ideals/virtues mentioned by myself and many others in your previous thread than I do upon those youthful priorities.

 

[wild_thing]

There’s a new book out by Ellen McCarthy called Real Thing: Lessons on Love and Life From a Wedding Reporter’s Notebook. I read about it here: joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2015/04/12-relationship-tips-from-weddings.html

It’s secular, but it sounded interesting.

The one word that kept coming up in her conversations with those who had found “the one”? Comfortable. They felt completely at ease with this person immediately and free to be who they are.

 

[pensmama87]

Bless you!

May your future wife cherish you as you richly deserve!

Yes!

Our house does have a “man cave” where all the sports relics go. That has given me breathing space in the rest of the house.

Of course, even though they are well meant and I appreciate the sentiment, my husband has an awful habit of buying me tchotchkes thinking they are to my taste when they are absolutely not…and it seems heartbreaking to tell him otherwise…

 

[Mickey_Finn]

Thanks for translating.

Maybe I"m old fashioned…and still outside the loop…but it seems like 90% of the domestic landscape…as far as aesthetics go…should be of the woman’s choosing.

AS long as she’s fond of taxidermy, and religious art.

 

[Xantippe]

AS long as she’s fond of taxidermy, and religious art.

Funny!

 

[jtauke]

Being the youngest of a large family with lots of cousins who made horrible choices regarding spouses, my list or criteria was pretty practical,

Had to be a believing, practicing Christian
His parents had to be still married, no divorce
He had to respect his parents
Had to have a work ethic

Two criteria I would add now, and ask my children to look for in their prospective spouses, truthfulness and faithfulness. Those qualities are NOT a given if you marry a Christian.

You write men off for something they can’t possibly control (their parents marriage)?

Wow, how charitable of you.

 

[ndsolt]

You write men off for something they can’t possibly control (their parents marriage)?

Wow, how charitable of you.

My thoughts as well. Although it is important to consider a potential spouse’s family. I could never marry into a family where my kids are never going to be good enough because they are children of a son.