Large families

[CTA1967]

PS It utterly cracks me up that I’ve been relegated back to “Junior Status.” No idea what it would take to “move up” again in the CAF world, and I don’t really care, but perhaps could I get a few years lopped off my age to go with the status demotion???

Heh, I think you need 500 posts or something to move up to the next “level”.

On topic, I know a family at our church with seven children (all home-schooled!), and they are definitely the happiest, most un-dysfunctional family I’ve ever known.

 

[HouseArrest]

My daughter asked me over the weekend, why we didn’t have more children. I told her that had God chosen to bless me with more children, I would have been thrilled. I feel for her as she is an only child. It can be lonely and as an adult she will not have siblings helping her through the adult trials she will face (dying parents, etc.). I have a brother and a sister and they are my best friends. They’ve been with me through thick and thin and will stand by me no matter what and vice versa.

I agree that it’s the parenting that matters. It seems to be the case with all the “parenting” issues actually, whether to have a 2 working parent household, whether to breastfeed/use formula, whether to home school or send kids to school, public v. catholic school,…it all comes down to the parenting skills that the parents have. We do the very best we can for our own families. That may not be the same things that another set of parents would do, but that doesn’t make it wrong. The goal is to raise children to be young adults who can contribute to society in a positive way in whatever way they are capable of contributing all with the ultimate goal of glorifying God.

I have a cousin in the same situation. She and her husband allowed God to decide, and darn it, He did a great job. They have one child and they are a wonderful family. I love the way they raised their son.

 

[DebChris]

I have a cousin in the same situation. She and her husband allowed God to decide, and darn it, He did a great job. They have one child and they are a wonderful family. I love the way they raised their son.

I only had one daughter. I had a simple answer for those who kept asking when I would have more.children. “It will be at least nine months.” While I may have been the seventh of nine, my father’s only brother only had one son. Four is the most common number of children my siblings.had.

 

[LongingForLight]

One of my elder female relatives used to tell me that people get confused because they see how much work goes into raising one child, and think that having two children will double it. What they don’t realize is that you have less “overhead” with each additional child because of all the value they get from having siblings. This is true for finances, too - there is nothing wrong with hand-me-downs from one child to the next. And from my experience, she is absolutely right.

I know with twins, the main role I have as a parent is providing them with a healthy environment so they can learn with little involvement from me and so they develop a healthy relationship with each other. That way, I only need to teach any given skill to one child - she’ll “teach” it to her sibling. We’re talking about 3-year-olds, and they’ve been doing this since they were a year old, so this isn’t “mini-parent” style teaching. It’s just the teaching and learning that naturally happens amongst peers.

I’m really hoping DH and I can get to a point where we can afford more children. We knew that it might take us a while to recover financially from having a child so early in our marriage - I’m really thrilled that we had twins. It would be so much more painful to have to wait to try for another child if our current child had no sibling. I LOVED having a sister close in age. We fought like cats-‘n’-dogs, it was great and we’re best friends, now. DH gives me SUCH a look :ehh: when I’m saying that maybe we’ll get luckier this time and have TRIPLETS!!!

 

[RitaM]

I don’t think I give less attention to any of my children than they need. They’d rather play with each other than look for my attention anyway, at least after age 3. I think it might indicate that the child is spoiled if they can’t share their parents’ attention with their brothers and sisters. They don’t really need it to be absolutely one on one in order to enjoy a good relationship with parents.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I don’t think I give less attention to any of my children than they need. They’d rather play with each other than look for my attention anyway, at least after age 3. I think it might indicate that the child is spoiled if they can’t share their parents’ attention with their brothers and sisters. They don’t really need it to be absolutely one on one in order to enjoy a good relationship with parents.

The key is providing children with the attention that they need. Too much attention isn’t neccesarily good for children. The term “helicoper parent” comes to mind. A “helicoper parent” hovers over his/her child providing excessive amounts of attention–more than the child either wants or needs. This term rarely applies to parents of large families.

 

[JanetF]

The key is providing children with the attention that they need. Too much attention isn’t neccesarily good for children. The term “helicoper parent” comes to mind. A “helicoper parent” hovers over his/her child providing excessive amounts of attention–more than the child either wants or needs. This term rarely applies to parents of large families.

Yeah, I’ve gone through being a helicopter mom. Thank goodness she’s older (11) and can call friends to come over and play. Saying “I’m not your playmate, I’m your mom…” used to make me feel guilty, but she learned to enjoy being by herself. Plus, I rarely say “no” to having friends over.

 

[JanetF]

I don’t think I give less attention to any of my children than they need. They’d rather play with each other than look for my attention anyway, at least after age 3. I think it might indicate that the child is spoiled if they can’t share their parents’ attention with their brothers and sisters. They don’t really need it to be absolutely one on one in order to enjoy a good relationship with parents.

I totally agree with this. My mother didn’t spend time playing with me as a child. That was my siblings “job”. I don’t remember ever asking my mom to play with me either. I’m sure there were times when I told her my siblings wouldn’t play with me…but she’d probably have told me to go find someone else (neighbor kids).

 

[adelore]

I"m number 6 out of 7 children. As I was growing up many of my “friends” families had very nice homes, brand name clothes, toys and such that any child would dream of.

Yet each and every one of my friends always wanted to stay at my house for the night. When I was real young I couldn’t understand what they found so amazing at my house. I mean after all they had new homes, great rooms, toys galore…new clothes, no hand me downs…they even had a color T.V…geeze.

We lived in an old house with just a center floor furnace. (no heat ducts) Just one big square floor vent for a 2 story house. No heat upstairs. We would open the stairway door to allow heat up stairs. We didn’t have a lot of toys, we didn’t have fancy clothes, and not until my senior year 1976…did we get our first color T.V. In fact my wall paper on my wall was mostly fallen off, down to the plaster walls, (old house over 100 years back then) But years later as I was growing up I did find out what we did have…Parents who spent time with us…who were creative with us. My dad built us a Tree house, complete with a old crank telaphone that worked. It only went into the house…but hey it was fun. My Dad put up a yard light on a cable so we could play in a lighted back yard at dark. Kick ball was the biggie. They took us fishing, drives on weekends, and we even went camping every weekend growing up, to a run down cabin that had a barrel stove, a spring fed creek, to keep our pop and food cold. I could go on and on, but you get the picture… My parents didn’t have a lot of money…but they had lots of Love and Time to spend with us. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I truely was more blessed than most of my friends. As I got older…I quickly learned from my friends…they loved my family and our Old House. Why? Because it was full of love and Parents who cared about their kids. I don’t know how many times they said they’d love to move in with us.

It’s not the size of the family…(or even the material things, we can give our kids) it’s the Parents and what they give of themselves. It’s the Love and being together as a family.

 

[jacintamaria]

I have a friend who says that small families are more better to have than large families (more than 4 kids) because not enough time is spent with each kid. For those of you with large families, what do you think of this?

My Mother had 9 children we were all treated no different.I now have 6 children I spend plenty of time with all my children. I think if you have two little children they become two spoilt. They dont respect their elders

 

[Cracker_Mom]

Why do folks have to ask this in the first place?
There are all different sized families.God’s in charge ultimately of how many children we have.
Enjoy your time with your kids & don’t worry about everything.Or compare your family with others. They grow up quickly.One size doesn’t fit all.

 

[maryjk]

My Mother had 9 children we were all treated no different.I now have 6 children I spend plenty of time with all my children. I think if you have two little children they become too spoilt. They don’t respect their elders

I guess with just one, mine must be really bad?

I think it all depends on the parents. Like I said earlier in this thread, I know many families that have 6+ children. In some families, the children are raising themselves. In other families, the parents do a wonderful job of being involved with the children.

It works the same way with smaller families. I know one family that has one daughter, no sons. She is the kindest, sweetest young lady that I know. Her parents are involved in her life. I also know a family that has one son, no daughters. He is a mean, nasty kid that I really don’t like having around. His parents figure he can raise himself.

 

[jacintamaria]

I dont mean that they are bad parents it anoys me when people never stop talking about parents that have big familys When you switch on the t.v they say people that have to many children are to selfish.Idont think they are selfish at all.what you said is right I am very sorry somethingsthat people say can be very hurtfull.It makes you think maybe I should stop having children.Then JESUS brings me back to reality.

 

[crondam]

As I frequently remind my parents, I hate being an only child. I wasn’t really “spoiled” but did spend a lot of time with my parents and their friends (camping, fishing, and social things), but as their friends seemed to be older, there weren’t many children my age or gender to hang out with. I did have very close friends growing up, but still had a hard time socializing with peers. My parents were busy with their own things, my mom had her own business that took a lot of time, so I can’t say that they spent any more time with me than if they would have had more kids. To be fair, I also think that my mom was told that she really “shouldn’t” have any more kids for whatever reason. All I know now is that as my parents are entering into retirement age and seem to have no plan or money saved up, I am faced knowing that all of their care will fall on my shoulders alone. There won’t be anyone to help with them or the decisions that will need to be made. It is a frightening prospect. Thank God that he gave me my DH, who is close to my parents and will be tremendous support.

When DH and I got married, he only wanted 2, and I wanted 4 children. He was very adamant about the 2 as his parents divorced after his brother was born and when his dad remarried, had another child that got all of the attention and privileges (travel around the world, the best schools) so I think that his thinking was a matter of economics. So, way before becoming Catholic, he had a vas. But God had the last word, because I was already pregnant with number 3! Now we are seeking a way to get him a reversal and perhaps have at least one more, God willing. So, all in all, I think that large families rock. The more the merrier!

 

[SourGrape]

I"m number 6 out of 7 children. As I was growing up many of my “friends” families had very nice homes, brand name clothes, toys and such that any child would dream of…
It’s not the size of the family…(or even the material things, we can give our kids) it’s the Parents and what they give of themselves. It’s the Love and being together as a family.

What a wonderful post! Thanks for sharing! I pray my husband and I can give such a home, LOVE, and happy memories that your parents gave you!!!

 

[xyneshia]

I came from a big family and personally I am glad that I had a bunch of other kids to play with and grow with and compete with. I got plenty of attention from my parents and never felt neglected. There are some things kids are better off doing in a group of kids than one kid and the child’s parents. some of the things I enjoyed doing with all my siblings that my parents would have NEVER done:
camping in the back yard (woulda been lonley without other kids)
playing with bugs and mud
building and playing in a fort we made in the forest behind my house
riding the horses (i know i know, we were always supervised) but only we rode
catching crawfish in the creek
making our own silly language
riding our bikes
turning the living room into a giant “sheet and comforter tent” and staying up all night watching catoons and playing mario
hop scotch and b-ball

 

[Galnextdoor]

As others have said before, it depends on the parents. I have seen large families where the children get to take turns having special time with their parents, and I have seen large families where the parents talk to their kids like the kids were dogs digging in the trash.

I have 9 siblings. As a child, I always wished that someone would adopt me. I just wanted someone to know I was a real living human being with feelings. I was very quiet and went mostly unnoticed in my family. I always wanted someone to hold me or tell me that they loved me. The clothes I received were patched and faded. Often my older siblings received new clothes, but since I didn’t complain, I didn’t. There were times when I was left behind somewhere or my parents forgot about me coming home early from kindergarten. Several times I sat on the porch for hours waiting for someone to come home and let me into the house. There were times when I would wear the same clothes for two days before my mother realized I hadn’t changed my clothes. My hair would get tangled with knots and I could get my mother’s attention to help me. At one point it became so snarled, it had to be cut off.
I have siblings who are 11 and 12 years older than I am. I really don’t know much about them. As a small child, I felt lost in a forest of legs.
My mother doesn’t really remember much about my birth accept that I weighed 9 lbs and 13 ounces.
I didn’t own a toothbrush until I was thirteen. One time I had a rotten molar when I was 8 years old. It hurt pretty bad, so I popped it out with the end of a fork.

I have known other people from large families who have gone through similar situations.

I have also known other families that were large and the parents seem to have time for every child. They knew what every child’s interests were, what each child liked and disliked to eat, and what the child’s favorite color was. They encouraged the child to pursue areas that the child found interesting i.e. studying insects, painting and drawing, singing, playing a musical instrument etc.

Before you have a large family (5 or more), you should be willing to give and sacrifice with a generous spirit. You should be organized and sure of who you are and why you want these children. With a small family, a person can still be a little selfish. With a large family, in order to be a good parent, you will have to practically live and breathe children.

Just thought I might add an opposite perspective.

 

[Sillara]

Hey, Galnextdoor, those things happen in small families, too. I was the oldest of only three, and I wore hand-me-downs my whole life. I wore my mother’s old clothes when I went away to college. By the time I was 14 or so, the only new clothes I had were the ones I bought myself.

I have five children. I am not an organized person. I am a chronic insomniac with low blood pressure who has a terrible time getting out of bed in the morning.

Oh, yes. I homeschool. We want a Catholic education for our children. Catholic school where I live costs $2500 per month per child. So that means homeschool.

I don’t consider myself a particularly unselfish person, but I am trying my best. I love my children, all five of them, and I want to be a good mother to them. So I try. After all, we are not called to be “a little selfish.”

I agree that it depends on the parents, you see.

(Oh, and my parents weren’t mean. We just didn’t have a lot of money, and I didn’t complain. So–hand-me-downs. )

 

[Galnextdoor]

It wasn’t so much the hand-me-downs as it was feeling invisible.

 

[Sillara]

It wasn’t so much the hand-me-downs as it was feeling invisible.

I can sympathize with that, too. I was often ignored (or simply made to do the housework). It really does depend not on the number of children but on the method of parenting.