Last Name Changes on Marriage

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For the record, I respect any decision other couples make, but… I do have VERY strong opinions about this. I am not married and most would say ‘no wonder’ but this is how I feel.

When I was a little girl, I remember my brother telling me mom use to have a different last name and changed it to dad’s when they got married. I asked my dad and he said ‘yes’ in an annoyed tone which made me think ‘There he goes bossing mom again’. I then asked my mom if it was true and she smiled ‘Yes’ in a happy tone. I remember thinking ‘There she is letting Dad walk all over her again and she doesn’t even see it’. Yes it was the perspective of a kid but still I remember thinking I would never stoop so low. And when I told my dad I would never change my name, he got mad at me which made me more resentful.

My last name has a really nice ring to it and it also has a rich cultural history. I don’t think it is fair that my brother who is adopted gets to give that name to his children because he is a man and because I am nothing but a woman, I can not pass that name to my children when I actually share these people’s blood. Many have said to me ‘The culture of your name will get passed down through your brother’ That makes me MAD. I deserve to be able to pass the culture of my name down myself. I love my last name therefor will never change it. And lastly, I think it is sad that a woman carries the kid for 9 months and the second it is born, the father’s last name is given because after all he is the man. It is even more sad that often the father isn’t even in the kids life.

So… do I think it is wrong to take a man’s last name and give it to the kids. Not at all. But it has to be a better reason than ‘He is the man’. I also am open minded enough to respect different people’s point of view but I also want to be true to myself.

When I was younger a lot of people said to me ‘CM, no man will ever want to marry you if you insist half of your kids have your last name’. And the truth is, I am not married. If that really is the reason I am single, praise the Lord I am single

CM

 

[gus]

First of all I 'm into geneolgy. Italian women historically aways referenced their maiden names on all documentation. This makes tracking women a lot easier. Which we love.
When your birth records are one name it becomes difficult to find information after her marriage.
As a feminist statement its really a moot point as a women’s maiden name usual is her fathers.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

The church does not require a name change, it is a cultural thing. When I got married I kept my surname but added my husband’s when our son was born. I decided I wanted to be included in the family name, it made sense to do that. I have a long name now but it doesn’t bother me. The whole thing never bothered my husband either.

 

[trinichiqn]

I am attached to my last name in that I have had it my whole life. But my last name is a first name and many members of my very very large extended family get referred to by it (or the shortened version) by many of our personal friends. This gets annoying when we are together and various friends are there and they just shout for one of us and you don’t exactly recognize the voice so multiple people look or come, some people think that is very funny by the way. Of course I realize that changing my last name won’t fix that problem because some people won’t care that your last name is different.

I remember being at a funeral and somebody coming up to us and saying “yes you are a different last name, can’t mistake that” so I know my last name isn’t the only thing that connects me to my family there are always character traits that people can pick up on.

What I am really attached to which can seem silly is my signature, I have been perfecting that thing since I was 11 years old. I love it, I worked hard to get it the way it is, not easily forge-able, squiggly and me.

 

[chevalier]

I believe that this is a personal decision for each couple and there is no right or wrong way but I would love to hear how everyone came to there own decision of what they did or would like to do.

To be honest, I don’t like the individual decision part as in, our ancestors had a social order and now we’re coming in, typically not worth half of our respective ancestors’ salt, and we want the world to cater to our need for individual treatment, personal decisions etc.

On the other hand, at least my own case certainly is individual and certainly is mighty messed. The issue of surnames for the wife and children post-wedding is a veritable nightmare. For the record, I’m an unmarried guy with a hyphenated name already. One big genealogical mess that somebody will have to clean up one day. Frightening.

 

[Phemie]

I adopted my husband’s surname when we got married because he was in the military and it would have been nothing but a headache to retain mine. But later, the province of Québec decreed that women could only be known by their birth surnames and from that time on even women who’d used their husbands’ surnames for decades were only recognized as being Mrs. Birth Surname and the military had to adjust. No woman in Quebec can simply assume her husband’s surname, she has to legally change her name to his and it changes her birth certificate.

Our family name dies with my brothers, neither of whom have children. The name isn’t reflected in my children’s names. So if I were to redo it, I’d retain my maiden name and give our children hyphenated names. Mine is French, DH’s is of Scottish origin. It would be nice if the kids’ names reflected both heritages.

 

[lutherlic]

We get asked that a lot. But it wasn’t an argument or power struggle. We just listened to how it sounded both ways and then picked the way we liked best. Fortunately it sounded best with my name first on both of our names.

But if we had really liked it one way with his name and another with mine we probably would have just flipped a coin.

Of course it would be up to them, but what do you envision your children’s names might be when they marry? Would John Jones-Smith and Mary Johnson-Williams become John Johnson-Williams-Jones-Smith and Mary Johnson-Williams-Jones-Smith?

 

[hannajomar]

I took my husband’s last name and dropped my maiden name when I got married. I think spouses having the same last name is an outward sign that two have become one.

As a bonus, I had no idea how fun it would be to have a last name which ethnically does not match how I look. A lot of funny situations at the DMV, doctors’ offices, etc.

 

[Fireflylight]

I’m adopted and have my birth last name and vehimatly hate it.

My parents had the very liberal idea that I needed to retain my identity. It is wacky and one of the worst mistakes they made with me.

Fast forward. 2 of my 3 brothers are married. Both woman have become Mrs. Lastname…and my parents are delighted. They praised my sil for deciding to change their names. One I was not surprized. The other I was since her family is big in the area and the road through town is even named after them.

I will likely be getting married late next year. I will be firstname parentslast hubbyslast.

He’s actually against women changing their names almost 100%. He belives its not fair to ask a woman to and that children should be given last names of what fits. But he also loves me too much to deny me that since it means so much to me.

I’m for people working out a last name. Weither the girl takes the guys, guy takes the girls, hyphen, combination or even new last name. Whatever it is the couple should know before they marry.

 

[cmscms]

I took my husband’s last name and dropped my maiden name when I got married. I think spouses having the same last name is an outward sign that two have become one.
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First I want to say, I totally respect your decision. However, my resentment is when a man says ‘The two must become one and the children need to feel like they are part of one family, so the woman HAS to change her name’. There is a difference between a woman wanting to take her husband’s last name and being forced to

CM

 

[adrift]

We get asked that a lot. But it wasn’t an argument or power struggle. We just listened to how it sounded both ways and then picked the way we liked best. Fortunately it sounded best with my name first on both of our names.

But if we had really liked it one way with his name and another with mine we probably would have just flipped a coin.

How do the parents feel about it? Oh that’s right they are unimportand because your not marrying them. You aren’t joining a family. Your starting a new family out with the old.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

How do the parents feel about it? Oh that’s right they are unimportand because your not marrying them. You aren’t joining a family. Your starting a new family out with the old.

Are you serious? How did you get that from what I wrote? 1. Both sets of parents think it’s a nice idea. Not like it really matters to my family anyway though. My mom, brother, and I all have differentlast names anyway. 2. Why would anyone be against it? 3. Why would anyone have the right to be upset about it? 4. The point is not that we are startinga new family without our old ones, it’s that I am not leaving mine to join his. We are starting a family together, both of us bringing our identities, families, experiences, and heritages to it.

Why did you feel the need to be so snippy?

 

[Sharen]

I kept my maiden name when I got married. I was 30 and I like my name. My degrees are in my maiden name.My parents were horrified and still address my mail using my “married” name. I would have been open to my husband and I hyphenating our last names, but he didn’t want to. At my children’s school, I just use my married name because it is easier. It really is no one’s business but the Couple’s.

 

[adrift]

Are you serious? How did you get that from what I wrote? 1. Both sets of parents think it’s a nice idea. Not like it really matters to my family anyway though. My mom, brother, and I all have differentlast names anyway. 2. Why would anyone be against it? 3. Why would anyone have the right to be upset about it? 4. The point is not that we are startinga new family without our old ones, it’s that I am not leaving mine to join his. We are starting a family together, both of us bringing our identities, families, experiences, and heritages to it.

Why did you feel the need to be so snippy?

You mention your family but say little about his. You were very snippy to someone who explained why

So because some “radical feminists” want to be above men you would refuse to marry a woman who liked her name and felt an attachment to it and didn’t want to give it up? That is incoherent at best

So don’t complain.

 

[Dale_M]

Needless to say, if my intended refused to take on my family name, I would be profoundly insulted to the extent that I would consider breaking off the relationship.

I think it is important that a couple share basic values, and probably shouldn’t get married if they differ on fundamental orientation towards society, culture and life in general.

While choosing to adopt your last name, or keep her own, may not be a basic value, I do think the decision reflects those values. In all likelihood, by the time a couple is making marriage plans, I would hope that those values have been discussed and agreed upon. So I can’t imagine you would have to break off an engagement over the issue of name.

Myself… I left the decision up to her. I encouraged her to keep her birth name if she wanted. Or we could do the hyphen thing. Or she could adopt mine. Or I could adopt hers. She found the latter idea silly, but I was sincere in my offer.

 

[Fireflylight]

How do the parents feel about it? Oh that’s right they are unimportand because your not marrying them. You aren’t joining a family. Your starting a new family out with the old.

Snarky much? Many people these days dont care about parents opinion on marriage and married last names because they’re a product of divorce.

One of my friend’s mom cried for days because her daughter chose to change her name. Mother had been married twice and always kept her last name giving her kids her maden name. My friend hated this and thus didnt care. Just because tradition has gone out the window dosnt mean that parents have the right to decide your life. If my parents told me I had to keep (or change) my last name or else, I’d laugh in their faces.

 

[chevalier]

First I want to say, I totally respect your decision. However, my resentment is when a man says ‘The two must become one and the children need to feel like they are part of one family, so the woman HAS to change her name’. There is a difference between a woman wanting to take her husband’s last name and being forced to

CM

But a woman should keep her sober reason and realise that her name is in most cases her father’s name. So if you look at it from the, ‘a man’s name,’ perspective, then it’s always a man’s name unless the woman has a surname her mother adopted for herself through deed poll without inheriting it from a male ancestor. So the man in such a case actually has a point when he mentions leaving the mother and the father and becoming one flesh: because the woman is essentially telling him that she will keep her dad’s name (and possibly give it to the children) instead of taking his. In short: dad > husband. So how about mum > wife?

I’m for people working out a last name. Weither the girl takes the guys, guy takes the girls, hyphen, combination or even new last name. Whatever it is the couple should know before they marry.

The couple should remember they’re naming people and not cats (Constance Euphemia Phyllis Ingeborg Douce Nastyclaw-Strongbite-Feedmenow-Mroar). In the old time, aristocrats would sometimes indeed have siblings with different surnames because someone needed to continue mum’s family, the other guy married up, yet another took the name of his estate etc. But everybody suddenly running around with a couple of differently-surnamed kids would be a nightmare for the system.

 

[vera_dicere]

My sister in law hyphanated. It sounds funny. Silly actually, but she’s a “modern woman” with her own ideas.

Frankly, I’m dumping mine. It has a swear word in it. Heheh, in fact, on a lot of forums if I post my surname it gets censored! Of course, I do think having a name like that makes you a target for bullies, it makes you stronger. I wouldn’t be who I was without that swear word.

Mind you, even if my surname was “Awesome” I’d still change it, I’m a bit traditional like that. What others want to do, that’s up to them. But I think its part and parcle of a woman submitting to her husband - which is all hush hush mustant do in this modern world.

 

[agnes_therese]

My (then-future) husband said he would be fine with whichever way I chose. I did take his last name. But, being heavily into genealogy (and the biggest mysteries being in my father’s line), I use my maiden name as my middle name.

As the OP said, it’s a personal decision by each couple.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

But a woman should keep her sober reason and realise that her name is in most cases her father’s name. So if you look at it from the, ‘a man’s name,’ perspective, then it’s always a man’s name unless the woman has a surname her mother adopted for herself through deed poll without inheriting it from a male ancestor. So the man in such a case actually has a point when he mentions leaving the mother and the father and becoming one flesh: because the woman is essentially telling him that she will keep her dad’s name (and possibly give it to the children) instead of taking his. In short: dad > husband. So how about mum > wife?

I don’t want to keep my last name to avoid taking a man’s. I want to keep my last name because that’s MY name. My parents divorced when I was an infant. I never knew my dad or his family, and I was the only person in my hometown to have that name because my mom remarried. I graduated college with that name. Built a career with that name. Everything I’ve ever done is with that name. Its important to me that both of our identities are reflected in our family name.