Letting Go of Anger and Being Able to Forgive

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Just saying it isn’t enough. One actually has to FEEL forgiveness, and that’s harder than it sounds.

For a long time, I believed that forgiving someone was the same as condoning their wrongful act. Forgiving them doesn’t make what they did (or failed to do) right in any way. They still are responsible for their actions, and can still suffer consequences. Forgiving them means YOU aren’t burdened by it, anymore.

What changed my thinking was temporal punishment. The example that drove it home was that of convicted felons still had to serve time in prison, even though the families of their victims forgave them. Forgiveness isn’t condoning or dismissing wrongdoing, and it doesn’t exempt the wrongdoer from being punished.

This ex-coworker who keeps gossiping may wind up losing friends because of it. If she creates a hostile work environment, she could lose her job. Meanwhile, if you forgive her, you are free to move on with your life. She can’t hurt you, anymore.

BTW, I’ve found self-forgiveness to be the most challenging, of all. Even when we can forgive others, and even when they forgive us, it still can be very difficult to forgive ourselves. Anyone else find this is so?
 
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I’ll pray this way if general prayers don’t work; I’ve never been angry more than 14 days of doing this praying. Usually after 4-5 days the anger is gone.
 
Ok thank you. Personal experience is essential. You have to have been there yourself in order to assist other people
 
Actually I’m going to laugh at myself as I remember what the thread is about

Also I’m busy defending myself and colleagues on an abortion thread.

Life is good and God loves me
 
30Something said:
I need advice please. So, a couple months ago, I was laid off from my job. I still speak to a former coworker and she has become a friend. The last couple times i spoke to her, she told me that 2 other coworkers were gossiping about me, even though I’m not there anymore. One lady keeps bringing up something that I apparently did to her that stressed her out, and she never spoke to me about it. Now that I’m gone, she keeps bringing it up.
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I know that you said your friend and you have agreed not to speak of it anymore, but just keep in mind that even though you don’t think she was being vindictive in telling you, it was an imprudent thing to do and likely motivated by some self interest. Perhaps she has a dislike or falling out with these 2 co workers and saw an outlet in having someone to share her vengeance with. There really is no positive benefit in her telling you about it in the first place. Second hand gossip is always a bad thing to give too much credit to.

Try to let it go and leave your healing to God. As an older person, I regret the many wasted days, months, years that I would hang on to a pain that turned out to be unwarranted or incorrect!
 
I had the same thought, except I wondered if the friend is also returning to the co-workers to report the OPs reaction.

If someone said to me that they thought my daughter’s dress was hideous, for example, the kindest thing I could (and would) do is not tell her what they said. What purpose would it serve?

OP, next time your friend brings your co-workers up and tells you they were gossiping again, ask her “why are you telling me this? It serves no purpose and doesn’t make me feel good. So please, no more discussion of them please.” And then change the subject.
 
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It is very very hard to forgive.There is a person that basically ruined my (at the time promising) professional career several years ago. I was so upset that I could even get angry to that person in my dreams!!! After I went back to the Catholic faith practice I tried to forgive that person. Slowly I got more at peace, stopped dreaming about it etc. Few months ago I bumped accidentally in that person, of all places in front of me in the line to pay at a supermarket!!! We ignored each other but all the anger resurfaced. The person was visibly uncomfortable. I felt literally sick with my heart racing like if it was exploding. I think the desire to forgive is still there but the wounds are still there too.
 
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I actually asked what was said, which was dumb on my part. She did see how upset I was and agreed not to discuss this again.
 
Sometimes I think maybe there was a reason for it. Maybe I would have never started going back to the Catholic Faith, maybe I would have never had a child etc. Hopefully one day we will know.
 
Choose to forgive intellectually despite the emotions. Eventually the emotions will catch up. Unforgiveness is often a pride problem. I was having trouble forgiving some important people who let me down very painfully and refused to acknowledge the problem to the point I had to leave. I realized internally that I was upset because I had a pride issue. I’ve had to beat the crap out of my inner pride and continually do so and that has helped. Remembering that Jesus forgive me and suffered for me was also helpful. It takes time, and constantly choosing to forgive despite how we feel about a situation.
It’s not easy but it’s doable.
 
It still helps to remember that forgiving someone doesn’t mean condoning their wrongdoing, and that sooner or later, they WILL pay some kind of consequences for it, even if we don’t know about it. In the case of the important people who let you down – others saw this happen? If so, these people are probably not being trusted as much, anymore, maybe not trusted at all. By betraying someone who trusted them (you), they have lost some of their integrity, and they may have harmed their own reputations. You can forgive and move on, because THEY are the ones left behind to deal with their own bad behaviors. It’s very difficult, but truly forgiving can be liberating.
 
One thing that helps me is remembering that Christ died for the person who wronged you as well as for you. Helps to put things in perspective and see the person through Christ’s eyes rather than your own.

That being said, remember that forgiving the person doesn’t mean liking the person. This also goes for loving a person. A mother can love her child, but doesn’t always “like” them at every given moment 😉

Love and forgiveness are choices. You don’t have to like them or feel fuzzy feelings for them. Much of the process of truly forgiving is a process of allowing yourself to think the way Christ thinks; evermore uniting yourself to Him in all things. Stay close to Him and ask Him and the Blessed Mother to help you.
 
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Thank you everyone! There is something personal I confided to one of these women months ago. I’m curious to know if she has told anyone. But my gut is telling me to not even go there and to just let it go, because it would just upset me. Do you think that’s prudent?

I’ve also been praying for them and feel better than I did yesterday, but the feelings continue to come in waves.
 
That’s part of the healing for sure. I think ultimately we have to get to the point where we seek mercy for those who wronged us and not do it with hope they’ll suffer the consequences… but because we love Jesus. I did have the mindset “they’ll pay at least in purgatory” and that helped me survive the initial hurt… but I want to see them in heaven with me too.
 
Another way to handle extreme hurt like that is to give it over to God. Once you give it to God, you’ve gotten rid of it, at least mentally. The pain might still linger for awhile, but at least you can stop thinking about it. God has it, now. And God can take it, whereas some of this stuff might be almost impossible for us humans to take.

With trying to forgive, we sometimes have to take baby steps – a little at a time, because it’s so difficult.

We need to try our best, but God fully understands we’re not perfect and I don’t think he expects total perfection in this realm. But if we try, in good faith, I think he’ll bless us.
 
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