Life as a Catholic single. A rant. (PG-13)

[iwillrisenow]

I’m sure a lot of guys who were “undesirable” messaged me, but I couldn’t deal with that many messages so I just deleted my account. I thought “Can’t deal with that!” It was like vultures at a massacre!

Maybe we can start a prayer circle especially for these guys. You never know; that fella who’s sending salacious “ur hawt” messages on secular dating sites today could be the priest who baptizes your first grandchild decades from now…

 

[stanncie]

Hello OP
I could sense the desperation in your post. I’m sorry you are going through this
I am a woman in my 30’s who is single and celibate so I could relate to you in many levels. I also have a very high libido so I share your frustration in that aspect as well.

I believe there has been good advice in the thread. My only contribution would be to try to find some peace in your current state. Whether you find your other half or not only God knows but you must try to be resigned to the reality you are in now. I see some bitterness in your post and it’s understandable but you must not let yourself go down that path.

I know you don’t want to hear this but you must increase your prayer life. Even if you are angry at God and just want to rant at him that is fine. He is there to hear you. Ask him to send that special someone if it’s His will and if it is not ask Him to grant you some peace and acceptance.

In the practical side of things I can’t stress enough how important exercise is. This will make you calmer, help somewhat with those sexual urges and make you happier in general. I find when I’m unable to exercise I"m much more cranky and it’s much harder to resist temptation in the world.

Also keeping busy with hobbies and volunteering is very important. I find myself often too busy to think too deeply on anything lol. I could honestly say I have found peace and happiness in my single state. Of course I realize that was only possible with God’s help and my openness to it.

I wish you the best of luck OP and God Bless you. Remember God loves you immensely and He knows what is best for you. He will never abandon you unless you shut him out.

 

[Xantippe]

We had one set of relatives that were really hostile to the idea of us getting married when we did (me 22 and him 25), but now that I’m older, I realize that probably has something to do with the fact that they had their first child when they were both in school (she was 20), they didn’t finish graduate school until their child was school age, there were a lot of privations, and they wouldn’t have been able to do it at all without lots of grandma help. That couple eventually did just fine, but it took a long time.

That sort of experience drives a lot of the “big list” thinking.

There’s also the issue of having some sort of marital disagreement and realizing that it would have been SO much easier to iron it out premaritally, rather than during marriage and with kids underfoot. It’s like the difference between working on a car in the garage, versus on the freeway at 75 miles an hour.

Bottom line: married people know stuff about marriage. Listen–you might learn something.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Maybe we can start a prayer circle especially for these guys. You never know; that fella who’s sending salacious** “ur hawt”** messages on secular dating sites today could be the priest who baptizes your first grandchild decades from now…

I recall reading one woman’s profile that said “If you message me anything along the lines of “Hey, wuz up gurl?” I am just going to ignore you and laugh that you actually talk like that”

Rule of thumb on online dating… if you think she is hot, so do 1000 other guys. She probably gets told it all the time so unless you are also super hot, she probably will just ignore that message.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I recall reading one woman’s profile that said “If you message me anything along the lines of “Hey, wuz up gurl?” I am just going to ignore you and laugh that you actually talk like that”

Rule of thumb on online dating… if you think she is hot, so do 1000 other guys. She probably gets told it all the time so unless you are also super hot, she probably will just ignore that message.

Don’t tell her she’s hot. Talk about something in which you and she share an interest - books, religion, white water rafting, sailing, beach combing, hiking, movies, food, travel, etc. Have a sense of humor. Most women love a guy with a sense of humor.

Telling a woman she’s hot right away seems like you’re only interested in how she looks.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, the challenges facing young families run much deeper than any standard that we can take upon ourselves as individuals and couples. Maybe the answer is to start asking why young families, especially with more than one or two kids, end up facing so much hardship and what we, as citizens, family members, friends and neighbors can do about it…rather than insisting that anyone who is even considering marriage and family meet criteria that, frankly, are out of reach for a good percentage of the population to “keep up” with a society with values that are out of whack. There’s also an assumption there that hardship can be avoided through diligence. True, you might reduce the likelihood of certain challenges, but life has its way of throwing curveballs in all of our directions, no matter how much we prepare. Fortunately, as Catholics, we have the option of prayerfully following God’s will for us, even when things don’t look the way that others say is correct or ideal.

Have you not read any of the threads on CAF where young couples are at their wit’s end and seriously considering sterilization or contraception because they have come to the end of their mental and financial resources? And many of those people thought at first that they were prayerfully following God’s will.

That happens all the time.

Also, although they are less popular virtues than faith, hope and charity, there are also the cardinal virtues of prudence, temperance, justice and fortitude. Those less glamorous virtues are also very important in discernment and can help keep us from biting off more than we can chew.

The financial and psychological issues that young families face are very predictable systemic issues. The math IS very bad and young Catholic couples should be told that well in advance.

I went through this very same issue when I was a newlywed and young mother. My husband and I got on quite well together on our two small combined incomes, but once we moved to a more expensive area for my husband’s first real job, we had our first baby, and were trying to make it as a family of three on a single modest income, things were suddenly much tougher and I couldn’t ever seem to make the math work–I was always coming up short. At the time, I didn’t understand it, but now that I know a little more about personal finance I realize that the problem was simple: we just plain didn’t have enough money.

There was nobody to tell me this at the time, but for the benefit of any people who have yet to go through that, I’ll say it again–couples have to be prepared for the fact that once they start having children, they will have 90% less free time and 90% less discretionary income.

You can’t prepare for every conceivable eventuality, but there are a lot of predictable ones that can be prepared for. Your car is going to need a repair from time to time. Your house (if you own one) will need to be maintained. There will be medical expenses. Your property taxes are going to go up. Young couples NEED an emergency fund, even if it’s just a small one.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Don’t tell her she’s hot. Talk about something in which you and she share an interest - books, religion, white water rafting, sailing, beach combing, hiking, movies, food, travel, etc. Have a sense of humor. Most women love a guy with a sense of humor.

Telling a woman she’s hot right away seems like you’re only interested in how she looks.

I am sure that the guys that do tell a woman she is hot very early on DO only care about how she looks.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I am sure that the guys that do tell a woman she is hot very early on DO only care about how she looks.

True.

 

[Xantippe]

I recall reading one woman’s profile that said “If you message me anything along the lines of “Hey, wuz up gurl?” I am just going to ignore you and laugh that you actually talk like that”

Rule of thumb on online dating… if you think she is hot, so do 1000 other guys. She probably gets told it all the time so unless you are also super hot, she probably will just ignore that message.

It also doesn’t give her a lot to work with. I will demonstrate.

Him: You’re HAWT.

Her:

What is she supposed to say to that other than “thanks”? It’s not a conversation starter. Here’s a better version.

Him: I see you like board games. Do you like the traditional American board games, or do you prefer Eurogames?

Her: Blah blah blah blah!

Him: There’s a game night at the local game store. I’m planning on going. Are you coming, too?

“Hi!” is also not a conversation starter. Conversation is a game of ping pong. Make sure you are sending the ball toward her, not off the table.

 

[pianistclare]

It also doesn’t give her a lot to work with. I will demonstrate.

Him: You’re HAWT.

Her:

What is she supposed to say to that other than “thanks”? It’s not a conversation starter. Here’s a better version.

Him: I see you like board games. Do you like the traditional American board games, or do you prefer Eurogames?

Her: Blah blah blah blah!

Him: There’s a game night at the local game store. I’m planning on going. Are you coming, too?

“Hi!” is also not a conversation starter. Conversation is a game of ping pong. Make sure you are sending the ball toward her, not off the table.

Right. Listen to the married women. They’ve experienced successfully conversing men.

 

[iwillrisenow]

God calls us into a vocation because we need it to seek salvation. Remember, that is the ultimate purpose. Not proving to society that you are worthwhile, normal, acceptable, OK, lovable, special or superior to others.

No one said that a vocation means a pain-free, struggle-free existence. I’m not at all surprised to hear that many young couples have had challenging experiences. Do you not know that God is leading you on the path to salvation? Same for the single folks: I don’t love my situation all the time, but I trust it.

I’m willing to listen to anyone on their vocational joys and regrets granted they are sharing with a spirit of generosity and respect and an awareness that their perspective, while it may certainly be instructive, is not universally applicable and will not be taken as gospel. So, don’t mind my salt-shaker over here…and I won’t mind any of yours when I share my experience either.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

God calls us into a vocation because we need it to seek salvation. Remember, that is the ultimate purpose.

What exactly does that mean? It sounds like you are saying that if God wants us to get married, it is because we would not seek him if we were single and if God wants us to be single, it is because we would not seek God if we are Married. That sounds off to me in some way. Did I misunderstand you?

 

[pianistclare]

All it means is that God’s plan for us is ideal. We can’t force the plan, just be open to where life takes us.
No need to panic over a spouse/boyfriend, etc. It will only make one miserable.
There’s another thread running where a nice young woman is trying to be faithful, but involved with a cad. She simply doesn’t want to let go, for fear of being alone.
But sticking with a bad choice can be far worse in the end.
Being with “just anyone” is not a worthy vocation.
And not the kind that the Lord plans for us.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

All it means is that God’s plan for us is ideal. We can’t force the plan, just be open to where life takes us.
No need to panic over a spouse/boyfriend, etc. It will only make one miserable.
There’s another thread running where a nice young woman is trying to be faithful, but involved with a cad. She simply doesn’t want to let go, for fear of being alone.
But sticking with a bad choice can be far worse in the end.
Being with “just anyone” is not a worthy vocation.
And not the kind that the Lord plans for us.

Ideal for seeking salvation seems more right than “Needed” for salvation.

Hmmm… I am 31 and only have one girlfriend in my life and it only lasted 4 months. Some people are single for a few months (even years) and they think they know the pain of “Being alone” That is if her situation is like you say it is, I do not know.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I’m 32, and I’ve had one serious boyfriend who died. I miss him greatly, though I don’t feel alone because of the presence of Christ in my life. I don’t want to date or get married. Only Christ can suffice for me, and the more I advance in my prayer life, the more I desire only Christ. I feel blessed by this vocation, but I can understand that most want to marry. The family is the basis of society.

If marriage is your vocation, no wonder you feel alone. I never felt “right” until I gave my entire life to Christ. I don’t imagine one whose vocation is marriage feels “right” until they do marry and start a family.

I don’t think our salvation is dependent on following our vocation; I just think life goes easier when we do.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I’m 32, and I’ve had one serious boyfriend who died. I miss him greatly, though I don’t feel alone because of the presence of Christ in my life. I don’t want to date or get married. Only Christ can suffice for me, and the more I advance in my prayer life, the more I desire only Christ. I feel blessed by this vocation, but I can understand that most want to marry. The family is the basis of society.

If marriage is your vocation, no wonder you feel alone. I never felt “right” until I gave my entire life to Christ. I don’t imagine one whose vocation is marriage feels “right” until they do marry and start a family.

I don’t think our salvation is dependent on following our vocation; I just think life goes easier when we do.

Sorry to hear you lost someone that you loved so much.

Truth is, I want marriage for myself but I do not know if that is in the cards for me or not. That makes it worse. It feel’s like “Do I keep trying to find a significant other because I want to be married, or is the fact that I have spent so much of my life alone mean that I am meant to be alone?” So, I do not even know what is Gods will for me. I want Marriage but I know that may not be Gods will for me. I think I can come to accept perpetual singleness if I knew for sure that marriage is just off the table for me but if God says “I have no problem with you getting married, it is the women that have a problem with the thought of marrying you” where does that leave me?

 

[Bill_Martin]

I think you have a case of the “If onlys”. I should know because I have it too.

Desiring all that is fine, but don’t let your happiness be contingent upon getting it. Marriage is no guarantee of a relationship. A relationship is no guarantee of love. Making either of them them work involves tremendous sacrifice. Hardships and difficulties will happen whether you’re single or not. Often we think that if only we had X we would be happy, then we get it and find out we’re not happy, but still think that if only we had Y we would be. In our endless searching around we miss the One who actually will make us happy.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Sorry to hear you lost someone that you loved so much.

Truth is, I want marriage for myself but I do not know if that is in the cards for me or not. That makes it worse. It feel’s like “Do I keep trying to find a significant other because I want to be married, or is the fact that I have spent so much of my life alone mean that I am meant to be alone?” So, I do not even know what is Gods will for me. I want Marriage but I know that may not be Gods will for me. I think I can come to accept perpetual singleness if I knew for sure that marriage is just off the table for me but if God says “I have no problem with you getting married, it is the women that have a problem with the thought of marrying you” where does that leave me?

You seem to have a low opinion of yourself and your ability to attract a quality woman. Yet you seem like a fine man to me, one most women would be happy to date. If you do have even a “sort of” low opinion of yourself that could be keeping the women away. Women can intuit that type of thing. You seem nice, warm, friendly, all the things women want.

 

[adamhovey1988]

32 year old male, still single. I find that I seem to be out of options for meeting single Catholic women my own age.
I have had a dubious background before my conversion and feel too profane for Church going women and too pius for the non-Churchgoer. I am stuck in a crack. On top of things, chastity is becoming a heavier and heavier cross and ever more difficult to maintain. The world tells me “No one is having sex with you? What is wring with you?” The Church tells me “Absolutely no intentional venerial arousal outside of marriage, don’t look, don’t touch, don’t even think about it.” I’m surrounded by nudity and sexuallity everywhere in society. I feel like a starving wolf being shown a piece of meat. No marriage prospects, seems like everyone in the world is having sex (intentional hyperbole) but me. I feel so…unfulfilled and unloved. Why is God’s love not enough? My faith is becoming a source of torment. I can have God’s love which I cannot feel, or sex and have an imitation of love that I can feel. The loneliness is agony, and so is separation from grace. I. Want. To. Have. Sex. I want to feel loved. So badly I want to put my head through a wall. I have become bitter. God gives me natural inclinations but provides no outlet, no companionship, no spouse. I am angry with Him, I admit. I go to mass and occasionally do see a few happy young couples, some of which have a new baby, a family. I find myself praying rather full of gaul, “Lord in your infinite love for me could ya maybe tell someone to show your love to me? Do ya think you stop letting me be isolated? Because yes, you, my Invisible Friend, should be enough, but apparently I’m a jerk.” as I grip the pew in front of me tightly. I have very little joy in my spiritual life and i am angry in my prayer life. And society says “If you have value, you’ll be having sex, therefore valued as a person, acceptable”. Thanks, society, so much, for screwing me up. I am such an ungrateful jerk.

I certainly understand your frustrations but I promise you I am not having sex. I think I might have a similar background as you

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

a few observations from the front lines:
Dating sites tend not to work for many men. It’s a numbers game. It’s been my experience that women are more visual online than they are in real life simply due to the volume of messages allowing them the luxury of choosing on looks. which they usually do. As a man who isn’t 6 feet tall or otherwise conventionally attractive, I found online dating to be a uphill climb. Even nicely crafted messages rarely ever got traction. A lot of work and time for very few phone numbers, let alone dates. So I threw in the towel on it.

In real life, I have the opportunity to show my personality in a way that I can’t online. Also I find that I do better getting dates with secular women than with Catholic women. On the other hand, living life as a Catholic means most of those dates with secular women don’t get anywhere. But at least I got to dance with them.

Desperation in a man is not at all attractive to women; they can smell it a mile off and it is a huge turnoff to them. Yes I get it, being a male incel can be a very hard life mentally, it can even be cruel at times, but a man has to lose that desperation feeling if he is going to get anywhere with women. Being a Catholic helps in this respect.

About the woman in this thread who reported 250 messages in her inbox in 1 day, I’ll bet there were at least 5, maybe 10 worthy men in there, maybe more. But I don’t blame her one bit for being so overwhelmed by the volume as to get away from it entirely. How does she narrow the pool down? She can’t, it’s just too much. And I said, even average women can get enough messages to be picky. What chance does an average man have? Get out the door is what I do …