Life as a Catholic single. A rant. (PG-13)

[1990Domer]

As I recall, in the mainstream Evangelical world, divorce is regarded as the big offense–the remarriage barely adds anything. It’s not like with Catholics, where remarriage is viewed as adulterous.

When I lived down south, I was told by Free Will Baptists by the vows were more symbolic than sacramental. But I have to admit, I do not understand what constitutes an evangelical Christian.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I would hesitate to use words such as “ideal” or “easier”…and I think that has a lot to do with how we view marriage and married people in many cultures…so let me try and explain further what I meant by “needed.”

I essentially mean that if one is called to marriage (as in, there is a potential spouse right in front of you who wants to enter into the vocation with you and has explicitly stated so), the **primary **reason for this is because God is presenting it to you as a means of salvation that you need to become the fullest version of yourself-- not because you are suddenly actualized, full, and complete **before **you enter the vocation. Like when they say marriage is a perfecting institution, that means it’s more like a spiritual boot camp than winning every prize, plus a cruise and a “faaaaaaabulous new car!” on a tv game show. That’s not to say there isn’t joy in finding this vocation-- there certainly is-- but the important part is that having that specific invitation in front of you makes all the difference. In other words, those of us who are single can trust that God is leading us to salvation no matter how we live our lives on this earth…and for those of us who are invited specifically to marriage, the primary reason for that is salvation. And it’s important to note that if that specific invitation never comes, that doesn’t mean anything except the married vocation is not required for you to become the best that God intended for you on this earth. God makes no mistakes and, like GPS, is quite adept at “recalculating.” So basically, we all have everything we need, even though it rarely feels like it for those of us who believe we are called to marriage living the single life.

A similar point comes up when we talk about being Catholic and having a fuller version of the Truth…those of us who are Catholic were called to that at some point in our lives, and if we rejected that call, God would certainly “recalculate” but our path to salvation would be much more difficult. Those who are never called into the Truth of the faith are still cared for and lead by God, perhaps even more than those who are, but because they were never called specifically to the Faith, it is much more likely that they will find what they need for salvation outside of it.

Another way of saying this-- and married folks, don’t jump me-- is that being called to marriage is essentially God saying: “if you want a fighting chance, please think *seriously *about getting in this vocation.” Same way those of us who are called to the Faith know that God is saying, “please *seriously consider *this bootcamp.”

You said God calls us into a vocation because we need it to seek salvation. I asked what that means. Someone else told me that all that “Need” means is “Ideal” So I said that sounds more correct to me. I do not see how that has anything to do with how we view “Marriage and married people”

I agree with a lot of your points but I do not know about God calling someone to marriage and saying “If you want a fighting chance at Salvation, I recommend you get Married” That makes it seem like every married person in the world was called to marriage because they would not be saved if they remained single. I just do not think that is right. Do marriages fail then because that person was called to be single but got married anyway? If someone is called to marriage by God does that mean for sure, even if they do not try, they WILL end up getting married if they want to? Since of course God does not violate anyones free will.

It is possible that God says “I would like you to get married, but it is up to you to find someone who is willing to marry you, I am not going to drop them at your doorstep” So someone may be called to marriage but never find someone willing to marry them?

Also you said God says “Please consider…” Does that mean that if God wants us to be single but we want to get married God says “Okay, go ahead and try to find a spouse. it will be harder for you to attain salvation but okay” Kind of Gods permissive will acting instead of His active will.

 

[GEddie]

When I lived down south, I was told by Free Will Baptists by the vows were more symbolic than sacramental. But I have to admit, I do not understand what constitutes an evangelical Christian.

There’s no doctrinal statement that defines them. ECs can be anything from Southern Baptist to any of the thousands of local church-bodies throughout NA that call themselves that.

The lack of a fixed statement of faith (other than the Nicaean creed) has led some EC congregations to adopt their own. But, generally, they see sacraments as symbolic, because they mostly deny the power of the sacraments.

ICXC NIKA

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

You seem to have a low opinion of yourself and your ability to attract a quality woman. Yet you seem like a fine man to me, one most women would be happy to date. If you do have even a “sort of” low opinion of yourself that could be keeping the women away. Women can intuit that type of thing. You seem nice, warm, friendly, all the things women want.

I know I probably sound like I have low self esteem by the way I talk about myself on these forums sometimes but it is only really regarding how bad my luck (I do not really believe in luck, but I think people know what I mean) has been in the love department. I am a very valuable employee, Son, Grandson, Friend, and so forth. So, it is not really that I have a low opinion of myself. Nor do I think I am SO great. I think my opinion of myself is healthy, although I am my own biggest critic. I joke around a lot about never being able to find someone because I have to have a sense of humor about even things in life that bug me. I just have to. But I know it is a very real possibility that I can end up never finding anyone because I see so many people in dating sites in their old age who have never been married and never had kids and it is not by their choice. So either God actively willed this or he at least permissively willed it, which means that these people were not necessarily meant to be alone forever but just never found someone. I am a realist and I know this is a possibility for myself. I just do not want it.

I really think I need to really find a way to meet other practicing Catholic’s and connect with them. That is how people normally meet, right? Through people they know. I did not grow up Catholic. I converted two years ago in my late 20’s. Others have had their circle friends in The Church since their teens. I need to find a circle to break into in my 30’s and that is easier said than done. Online dating is the only way I meet women but it takes so much time just to get even one date and only one of these dates resulted in a relationship that only lasted 4 months. I just want to delete all my profiles on these sites but that would put me back to no dates ever.

Lots of woman says that I seem like a nice guy and I should have no problem getting dates, yet here I am dateless for the last 2 months and no dates planed in the future at this time

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I know I probably sound like I have low self esteem by the way I talk about myself on these forums sometimes but it is only really regarding how bad my luck (I do not really believe in luck, but I think people know what I mean) has been in the love department. I am a very valuable employee, Son, Grandson, Friend, and so forth. So, it is not really that I have a low opinion of myself. Nor do I think I am SO great. I think my opinion of myself is healthy, although I am my own biggest critic. I joke around a lot about never being able to find someone because I have to have a sense of humor about even things in life that bug me. I just have to. But I know it is a very real possibility that I can end up never finding anyone because I see so many people in dating sites in their old age who have never been married and never had kids and it is not by their choice. So either God actively willed this or he at least permissively willed it, which means that these people were not necessarily meant to be alone forever but just never found someone. I am a realist and I know this is a possibility for myself. I just do not want it.

I really think I need to really find a way to meet other practicing Catholic’s and connect with them. That is how people normally meet, right? Through people they know. I did not grow up Catholic. I converted two years ago in my late 20’s. Others have had their circle friends in The Church since their teens. I need to find a circle to break into in my 30’s and that is easier said than done. Online dating is the only way I meet women but it takes so much time just to get even one date and only one of these dates resulted in a relationship that only lasted 4 months. I just want to delete all my profiles on these sites but that would put me back to no dates ever.

Lots of woman says that I seem like a nice guy and I should have no problem getting dates, yet here I am dateless for the last 2 months and no dates planed in the future at this time

I have to say, I’m really happy tp read that you have a healthy and realistic opinion of yourself. Women find that very attractive!

It is difficult to meet quality people. I don’t have the answers. Wish I did.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Xantippe]

This is a hard area for me too. I’m a 37 year old male with Aspergers which makes the possibility of finding and maintaining a relationship nearly impossible. I used to pray about it when I was younger but as nothing changed, I grudgingly accepted God wanted me to be lonely and stopped as it must be his will for some reason. At my age, I really don’t have any other friends as my older friends have long since gotten married, started families and have pretty much moved on. Since I have a hard time of coming with activities and what not to do by myself, I pretty much just stay home all the time (when I’m not at work anyway) so that makes it even harder to meet anyone. As things stand now, about the only way I can think of for me to meet anyone is if a woman approaches me at the grocery store.

There are lots and lots of married Aspie guys with families. I have an Aspie daughter, live near a college campus, and I see married guys who set off my Aspie-dar all the time.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

There are lots and lots of married Aspie guys with families. I have an Aspie daughter, live near a college campus, and I see married guys who set off my Aspie-dar all the time.

I agree, lots of people with Asperger’s have successful marriages. I think he just meant it’s harder for them to find a spouse, and, in general, I agree with that. Harder, but surely not impossible.

 

[CatholicGuy31]

32 year old male, still single. I find that I seem to be out of options for meeting single Catholic women my own age.
I have had a dubious background before my conversion and feel too profane for Church going women…

I am sure you have some good qualities as well. Try to develop these and you will quickly loose focus of anything detrimental. It might also help to identify those areas where you might need healing. Try to help others as much as possible (starting with small things). This can be hard at first but it helps you grow and makes up for a lot of sin.

I don’t think anyone considers you as being “profane”. Sometimes what others really think of you and what we think others think can be two very different things.

Focusing on meaningless sex will rob you of the joy of true friendship with anyone, not just women. Focus instead on developing your strengths and on praying for the necessary graces to do this. These are what will make you attractive to type of woman that wants the same meaningful, loving relationship you are looking for.

“Its easy to take off all your clothes and have sex, people do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes and dreams…
that’s being naked”

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Maybe we can start a prayer circle especially for these guys. You never know; that fella who’s sending salacious “ur hawt” messages on secular dating sites today could be the priest who baptizes your first grandchild decades from now…

LOL… yes, true!

 

[AnneElizabeth]

This is a hard area for me too. I’m a 37 year old male with Aspergers which makes the possibility of finding and maintaining a relationship nearly impossible. I used to pray about it when I was younger but as nothing changed, I grudgingly accepted God wanted me to be lonely and stopped as it must be his will for some reason. At my age, I really don’t have any other friends as my older friends have long since gotten married, started families and have pretty much moved on. Since I have a hard time of coming with activities and what not to do by myself, I pretty much just stay home all the time (when I’m not at work anyway) so that makes it even harder to meet anyone. As things stand now, about the only way I can think of for me to meet anyone is if a woman approaches me at the grocery store.

Hey, there are Aspie girls out there that could be a match for you. I think the problem more for you is finding the group in order to meet ladies, yeah?

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Lots of woman says that I seem like a nice guy and I should have no problem getting dates, yet here I am dateless for the last 2 months and no dates planed in the future at this time

In my experience, when a woman says that to a man or about him, it usually means she is not attracted to him and doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. I’ve been treated this way: it was not a good place to be with respect to someone I was attracted to. Hence I’ve developed a rather poor tolerance for the word “nice” when I find myself described that way.

In other remarks:
I’ve said before it’s good to get out of the house, but for them with Asperger’s, even a simple thing like that is a tough one. But the point still stands, it’s kinda hard for the Lord to deliver on a prayer when one can’t put himself (or herself) out there in situations that would allow for the Lord to put someone in his or her path.

I mostly meet women doing secular activities I’m familiar with. Mostly social circles around those activities. I open conversations with women I don’t know in the grocery store or the coffee shop once in awhile, but getting dates out of that is pretty rare. But the familiarity and social circle thing doesn’t seem to work for me in parishes. Think the last time I got a date in my parish was several years ago.

To be Catholic and single and to get on with life even when burning requires some prayer habits with a focus on gratitude for what one has before any other prayer. It’s easy to feel lust, anger, envy, even sloth when one is consumed with the absence of a significant other. We’re not perfect, we have to learn to set that aside.

 

[Sarcelle]

Unfortunately, the rush of a new relationship and a desire to put your best foot forward can often mask these issues, or even make you think that your new relationship helped you “get over them”. But they always come back when the routine of life does. That’s why it’s important to be a healthy person on a positive trajectory before looking to get married. You don’t have to have everything 100% together, but you should be free from any addictions and have any health problems reasonably managed while making good decisions for your future.

The former president of the Southern Baptist Convention, Albert Mohler, made a rather controversial speech where he addressed an “epidemic” of prolonged singleness. He attributed it to sin. The solution? Early marriage. I kid you not. A single with a porn habit is a married with a porn habit. Marriage does not cure sins. This view is naive and wholly mistaken.

 

[Sarcelle]

Hey, there are Aspie girls out there that could be a match for you. I think the problem more for you is finding the group in order to meet ladies, yeah?

Us Aspie women are no more skilled in maintaining relationships than Aspie men. At least in my case.

It is usually women who provide the emotional maintenance in a relationship. I simply do not have that ability and so I consider myself unsuitable for marriage.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The former president of the Southern Baptist Convention, Albert Mohler, made a rather controversial speech where he addressed an “epidemic” of prolonged singleness. He attributed it to sin. The solution? Early marriage. I kid you not. A single with a porn habit is a married with a porn habit. Marriage does not cure sins. This view is naive and wholly mistaken.

I couldn’t imagine being the woman who was married as a substitute for porn.

 

[Sarcelle]

There are lots and lots of married Aspie guys with families. I have an Aspie daughter, live near a college campus, and I see married guys who set off my Aspie-dar all the time.

I wonder if Aspie men have an easier time getting married than Aspie women. My gut instinct tells me it is. My mother tells me that it is women who do the lion’s share of maintaining the relationship and all the man has to do is be there. This is true based on observing a lot of married couples. Us Aspie women, some more than others may not have the necessary ability for this type of thing. There are always exceptions of course.

 

[Sarcelle]

I couldn’t imagine being the woman who was married as a substitute for porn.

I shudder just thinking of it. Yet this view that marriage seems to protect men from sexual sins seems to be common among some evangelicals and probably some Catholics. If there is an outlet for sexual desire, e.g., the wife, than sexual sin will not happen. Like wives are sexual “scratching posts” for men.

 

[Xantippe]

I shudder just thinking of it. Yet this view that marriage seems to protect men from sexual sins seems to be common among some evangelicals and probably some Catholics. If there is an outlet for sexual desire, e.g., the wife, than sexual sin will not happen. Like wives are sexual “scratching posts” for men.

Whereas what porn offers is fairly distinct from what a wife offers.

The role of porn in marriage is kind of like if action movie fans (rather than just being content with watching) weren’t happy until they could screen-by-screen duplicate the death-defying stunts they see in action movies.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Us Aspie women are no more skilled in maintaining relationships than Aspie men. At least in my case.

It is usually women who provide the emotional maintenance in a relationship. I simply do not have that ability and so I consider myself unsuitable for marriage.

Actually, I’ve read that Aspie women are better at relationships then males with Asperger’s. ? I’ve even heard some non-aspie men who married Aspie women that they are grateful they did because there is less of those ‘emotional problems’ that non-aspie women have. I guess it depends on the individual and their issues, or how a couple bonds, really.

I would not limit yourself to beliefs you are not good for anyone as you can't absolutely know that for sure.  Not everyone is looking for the same type of spouse- we've all got specific traits we hope to find in a mate and its wonderful we all don't want the same thing (though culture pushes an agenda of what is 'perfect'- I actually think that is why there are high divorce rates- people try to marry what is perfect by societal standards rather than what is perfect for their actual selves).     If you think yourself unsuitable for marriage, you will be!   What about all those women out there who have other afflictions, but still manage to be good mothers and wives?   Heck, I remember seeing a film about a woman who had no arms, peeling potatoes with her feet at the kitchen sink, but she was married and had children.    The only 'unsuitable' is the person who doesn't exude the effort to do what is right- and that includes even 'normal' people.   Otherwise, everyone is unsuitable because no one is perfect, I guess.

In my comment you quoted, I was thinking that two people with a common background can understand each other better. There are problems and issues that could be understood better from one who shares those same issues, thus, kind of making it a non-issue.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Difficulty meeting the right person to marry is nothing new.

I heard about a guy who complained to his parish priest that there weren’t any nice Catholic girls to marry. Turned out that a few days before, a nice Catholic girl had complained to the same priest that there weren’t any nice Catholic guys to marry. The priest introduced them to each other.

They became my great-grandparents.

When I got into my 30s and still hadn’t found the right guy, I did two things:

1. I stopped praying for someone to love me and instead prayed for someone to love, and
2. I called my diocese and asked if there were any clubs for single Catholics

It turned out there was a diocesan single Catholics club, which I joined. And it was there that I met my future husband.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I couldn’t imagine being the woman who was married as a substitute for porn.

I suppose if she was a woman who was ‘into it’ then it might not be so bad for her? eh?

I jest, but I do understand where you are coming from.

That kind of reminds me of the Josh Duggar sex scandal … He paid the porn actress to have sex with her. She complained that he was very rough on her-according to her to the point of physical injuries… was he just trying to do what he saw her do in her films? What if the very thing she is suing about is the very thing her films bring men to want to do?!