Living my faith through anxiety

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mphill85

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Little bit a history lesson about me.

When I was growing up I was brought to church, told to say grace at meals, all the usual. However no explained to me why I had to do these things (especially since this was done around my grandparents but not done with my immediate family). Even when confirmation came I was simply told “say yes” rather than asked if I wanted to do this. Fast forward a little bit and I eventually stopped going to church. I still believed in God but I ended up being simply “spiritual”. For years I did not attend mass or anything of the sort, not even for Christmas or Easter. Eventually around 10 years ago I managed to get myself to start going to church again. What was the driving force was some doomsayer talking about the end of the world that I think it was in October of 2012.

I’ve been diagnosed with major depression and major anxiety. What I’ve come to learn about myself is that I became very anxious because of the possibility of punishment because of my sins. The problem is I think I see sins where there are no sins (as far as I know). Forgetting a grace or prayer, intrusive thoughts (pop up though rather than focusing my mind on a sinful subject), losing my patience, mind wandering, etc. I think I’ve done 2 or 3 confessions a week before if I remember correctly. Always the same stuff and I always end my confessions with “… and those are the sins I can remember”. It’s such a driving force that there are times I did not take communion for fear of committing another sin despite not truly knowing if I had committed sin or had a sin forgiven. And in trying to keep myself from sinning I tunnel-vision on avoiding one sin and end up committing a different sin. I feel like I’m stuck in this never ending cycle of sin, then forgiveness, then avoidance, and end up back at square one with sinning. Pretty sure I’m the image of scrupulosity.

My question is what do I need to do to bring myself peace while dealing with this anxiety? How do I turn myself from focusing solely on punishments and hell to looking at strength and love and charity? How do I stop myself from thinking every little action I do is going to anger God in someway?
 
I’m really sorry that you’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for so long.

I think the best thing to do, if you aren’t already, is get some therapy for your anxiety. Work with a therapist you trust to try and overcome your worries. I’d also add that you should speak to a Priest and ask for guidance with your anxiety and scruples. He should be well-placed to help you, and may help you find a Spiritual Director, also to work with you and help you.

Once you have these in place, I hope you will find yourself more at peace.
 
You were given very good advice. If the priest recommends a therapist it would be good if he/she is Catholic.

The Lord loves you very much and desires your peace and happiness…be assured of that.

Our Blessed Mother is a powerful intercessor; you can ask for her help every day.
 
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mphill85 said:
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My question is what do I need to do to bring myself peace while dealing with this anxiety? How do I turn myself from focusing solely on punishments and hell to looking at strength and love and charity? How do I stop myself from thinking every little action I do is going to anger God in someway?
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1988 NIMH Statistics show how common anxiety is:
4.4% - Specific Phobia (sometimes called Simple Phobia)
3.7% - Social Phobia (sometimes called Social Anxiety Disorder)
3.6% - PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)
?% - Acute Stress Disorder (persists a month or less)
2.8% - Generalized Anxiety Disorder
2.3% - Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
2.2% - Agoraphobia
1.7% - Panic Disorder (both Without Agoraphobia and With Agoraphobia)
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Fear is related to a known threat, but anxiety from an unknown or poorly defined threat. In the case of damnation it is clearly defined that it results from final impenitence. Remember to make an act of perfect contrition if you sin mortally, resolving not to repeat it. One cannot sin mortally unless it is grave matter and the sin is done voluntarily with reflection. This is not going to occur by accident.
 
God is love. Deus caritas est, as Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI wrote. If God desired to punish you, you would long ago have been punished. And so it is with all of us. But still we focus on the negative side of the ledger. Why is that?

Because of our concupiscence, we see the negative, the missing, the defective. Mind you, we should seek to correct the negative, but we will only be perfected in heaven. Here, we must learn to live with our deficiencies, as God knows what we are made of.

Life, without a positive influence, life loses its flavor, ts meaning.

Now, anxiety controls until and unless it is crushed! Are you in therapy? I ask because 64 million Americans alone suffer from some form of anxiety disorder. You are far from alone here!

If you are not, do look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: the drug-free gold standard of anxiety treatment. It essentially rewires your thought processes so that anxiety is eliminated or greatly reduced. This allows you to live a normal life - a life of peace, just as our God so strongly desires for each of us.

And it is a struggle. It can be our cross, yet what did we hear at mass today? We must bear that cross. Yet, God will readily give the grace necessary to carry that cross and we may, at some future point, even come to embrace that cross, as it is our pathway to heaven.
 
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mphill85 said:
Pretty sure I’m the image of scrupulosity.
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Spot on. I agree with your assessment of yourself based on what you wrote in your OP.

I also second others advice to seek treatment for your depression and anxiety if you haven’t already, and find yourself a confessor if he is not your parish priest to whom you confess to only, and obtain spiritual direction from. Stick to one priest only. This way he’ll get to know you and your sins/scruples and be best placed to help you.

One books that I think is helpful is Pardon and Peace by Alfred Wilson C.P.
On Amazon

Various places including Barnes & Noble, Abebooks & Amazon Marketplace - varying prices

Abebooks
 
mphill85 said:
My question is what do I need to do to bring myself peace while dealing with this anxiety? How do I turn myself from focusing solely on punishments and hell to looking at strength and love and charity? How do I stop myself from thinking every little action I do is going to anger God in someway?
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1st, remember you can do nothing good without Christ.

2nd, find out everything you can about the devotion to Divine Mercy.

3rd, realize every Sunday is a celebration of the Resurrection, not the Cross. Go to Mass every Sunday.

I haven’t been diagnosed, but I have felt very much like you are describing. I came to realize I couldn’t get past the Cross. Divine Mercy helped me get to the Resurrection & Ascension. That’s where our hope is. In the Ascension.
 
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I forgot to mention that I am a disabled veteran. I also have a couple other mental problems including OCD, which does explain my scrupulosity.

I’ve been in therapy and counseling (including being admitted at a behavioral health facility) for almost 5-6 years. I’ve been on and off all different kinds of drugs (anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, an anti-psychotic, and even been on Lithium Carbonate) to the point I’ve lost track. The recurring theme with the above is they don’t seem to work.

As for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy I just finished a round about a couple months ago. I’ll probably start another round either right before the end of the year or shortly after the start of the new year.
 
mphill85 said:
The recurring theme with the above is they don’t seem to work.
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Has anyone mentioned NeuroStar transcranial magnetic stimulation to you? I have been told about it because meds do only so much for me, too. I’ve decided not to try it at this point.
 
Sorry to hear of your struggles, but it is proven that your brain can be rewired to reduce or eliminate anxiety/OCD/scrupulosity.

FWIW, my pathetic prayers are ascending.
 
Wow, OP. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling through all of this.

I’ve been through similar stuff myself. Though, I’m just a civilian.

I’m glad you’re getting therapy. Keep up with it and any meds they prescribe you.

As for the spiritual part: I suggest you just let it all go, give it up to God and focus on living the Commandments and the Sacraments. Don’t sweat the rest. That’s where the devil wants you at: Pinned down and freaking out about everything.

What really helped me in my struggles with sin and scrupulosity is praying the Rosary every day, frequent Mass ( At least once a week ) and frequent Adoration.

I hope this helps. God bless you and thank you for your service.

Saint Michael the Archangel, Saint Benedict, Saint Antony of the Desert, Saint Dymphna and Saint Ignatius de Loyola pray for us!
 
How do you manage to hold on to a job or employment with all that internal diolog and thoughts?
 
I don’t have a job unfortunately. Most likely because of the issues stated above, I seem to have issues controlling my patience and my anger. I get upset in a heartbeat and I’ll end up remaining upset for most, if not the rest, of the day. Not good traits to have in the workforce. I have tendencies to quickly point out another individual’s flaws if there are no attempts to correct them. I also consider myself a mirror. If you’re nice to me I’m nice right back. Likewise if you’re mean and give me an attitude I’ll throw it all right back. Customer service is definitely not my strongest skill. My last job was actually just perfect for me (I was a security guard and generally worked alone) and I would of liked keeping it.
 
Try to not think about what you want to change, or how you wish you were, or what is wrong. See yourself simply as you are.
 
I well you might try cbd hemp oil you use an eye droper to take it orally.
Its the new wonder drug to make life easer
 
I second that book. After reading the message before yours the title of that book came to mind. Then I saw your message and there it was!
 
But, we have Jesus who is All in All…The Way, the Truth, and the Life."
 
I third Fr. Phillipe’s books, both this one and his others. They are fantastic resources for cultivating peace of soul.
“Choose your battles” might be a cliche but the phrase works for me. There’s anger, and then there’s righteous anger. Getting angry at “first world” problems like waiting in line for more than a few minutes or a driver that cuts you off is just stupid anger. When I realized it often stems from my own ego and hurts only me it was easier to laugh it off.
 
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