Living Simply, Wedding Registries and Consumerism

[lifeisbeautiful]

I was once once faced with a wedding registry on which the least expensive item was a set of $400 bed sheets. One set, not an entire inventory of bed sheets. These people were not even remotely wealthy and nor were the guests. The wedding reception was a backyard DIY affair, which is perfectly fine. But if I’m being asked to shell out $400 for a set of bed linens or two grand for a reclaimed Norwegian oak dining room table, I’m expecting a white tie affair at The Ritz. Not knowing what else to do, I declined their invitation.

True story.

Oy, vey! Yeah… I think a couple should register, it does give people options, but the couple should not expect to get everything/anything of the registry, should not request cash, should not be ungrateful of random gifts, should not complain if the gift value is less than what they paid for the meal for the guest …

So what if someone suggests you register for an expensive coffeemaker, you don’t have to listen to them. I think a couple could make good use of a registry to help them prepare the home to welcome a large family if God wishes. We are set with silverware and dishes, we went a cheaper place setting route and registered for more place settings. We ended up with 13. We got some nice, durable items that were in the 15-50 range that we still use and have been great for us to not need to buy. I think it can help people who want to give you something and don’t know what to get, but I definitely agree with the idea of making sure you register plenty of lower cost items. I think it is gracious to accept the help these people are giving you in starting your new family/home!

 

[anp1215]

Nowdays, if the couple isn’t already living together, one or both are probably already set up in a nice house or appartment as a single person with all the necessities. The “old” registery used to make sure the new couple had towels, sheets and dishes. Now, since almost everyone has the essentials, the registry has turned more toward those luxury items that you maybe wouldn’t buy for yourself (like the single serve coffee maker).

Just my musing.

Boy, that wasn’t us! My husband moved out of his parents house a few months before we got married. His apartment had a papasan mat, a TV in the living room, a computer, and a few dishes his parents let him have. My mom got a bed so that we would have something to sleep on when we got married! Then we got married and I moved in. Our registry really helped our guest know which essentials we needed!

Looking back I still can’t believe how little we started out with, and how little it really mattered

 

[hannajomar]

I went through the same thing when the time came to register for our wedding. My husband and I try to live simply and we both already had our own households. My mom explained to me that many people want to buy the couple a gift and the registry helps make it easier for them. In order to accommodate our simple lifestyle and everyone else’s excitement about buying us stuff, I registered at Target, where I knew most of our guests from around the country would have access. I only registered for things I knew we would have use for. This was against the advice I got from someone else that I also needed to register at Macy’s and pick out a China pattern.

There’s a positive side of this which I didn’t realize at the time. Now, we have all this stuff in our home that our loved ones gave us. When I use my knife set or living room lamp, I think of the people who gave us those things. It’s like getting a hug from them every time I use them. When they come over, they can see these things and how much we love them.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’ve always been in favor of registries. When my wife & I got married, we didn’t want an extravagant registry. We thought it would make us look greedy and really didn’t need anything high-priced. We did, however, really need the help the gifts would provide and we were sure to only include things we needed. Unlike most of our friends and family who were getting married at the same time, we didn’t live together before the wedding so were plenty of things we actually needed. We stuck with the lower-end items, with the highest priced item on our list being our dinnerware, but only because we added the 40 or 60-piece set, which was much more cost-efficient than buying the smaller sets or individual items. Since my family said they were looking for something several people could go in on, we figured that was a nice option.

We received a fair amount of criticism over our registry because people didn’t think we gave enough options. We didn’t have any big ticket items on there (TV, furniture, lawnmower, etc.) because we were trying to take care of those on our own. We did a lot of thrift store shopping in the months before the wedding so that we wouldn’t have some of the lavish items we were seeing on our friends’ registries. I’m one of those who also skipped out on a wedding or two over the years simply because I couldn’t afford to pay the tax on any of the items on the registry, let alone buy the items themselves.

As it turned out, we ended up getting a lot of items that weren’t on our registry and that we knew we’d never be able to use. We held onto most of those for a decade (the people who gave them to us would actually ask us about them years later), then slowly started giving them to Goodwill. We ended up having to buy a bunch of stuff that was left on our registry, which we could have done before the wedding and saved ourselves a lot of hassle if so many people hadn’t insisted that we leave them be because you never know if someone bought something and simply didn’t check it off.

 

[joanofarc2008]

This may come off as a rant and I suppose it may be. I am soon to be married (as most of my posts say…how boring!). I have had many issues with the whole wedding planning business from the get-go but wedding registeries are a real sticking point.

I was told to register because it is the thing to do…it keeps people from worrying about what to buy and keeps you from receiving 20 toasters. But now I’m regretting it. My fiance and I strive to live simply. I felt like such a hypocrite when a friend from our prayer group asked what we need and my fiance responded, “Your prayers are the most important thing”. But then she pressed him and he said “We are registered at Such and Such”. Not everyone we’ve invited can afford an extravagant gift (and it all seems extravagant to me, who shops at thrift stores and discount stores). I just hope people don’t feel obligated to get a gift; we just want those pews full and are happy to provide the reception as a thank you for coming to the Mass.

The wedding registry business is pretty ridiculous. They encourage you to register for twice as many items as there are guests. I suppose that this is in hopes that you’ll not receive the few items you actually do need and then buy them there. We’ve been encouraged to register for one of those trendy single serving coffee pots and I actually briefly entertained the idea (but, alas, I do not want to commit to buying single serving coffee and am just not fancy enough for such a gadget). It’s almost sad how wants/needs can get muddied during this time of preparation due to American consumerism.

Please pray for us to remain “in the world but not of the world” during these final days of singlehood and for no scandal to be caused by our registeries! Any reassurance, disagreement or agreement is welcome!

I registered at WalMart. Seemed like the thing to do. Amazon also has a registry. You can stay pretty thrifty with both and get what you need for your new house.

 

[EasterJoy]

Prince William and Kate Middleton had a wedding “registry” of their favorite charities, so that is an idea, too.
(Apparently, their family is pretty much set when it comes to the silver and china thing, too. )

 

[TraderTif]

Really? I’m getting married in June, and nobody has mentioned registries at all, except my Mother who reminded me how much she hates them.

Personally, I’m not fond of them either. And we decided that, instead of registering anywhere, we’re including a brochure for a favorite charity with the invitations, and requesting donations there.

 

[twoangels]

alternativegiftregistry.org/

I wish I would have found this when I was engaged. I hated wedding registries too. I hated picking out specifically what I wanted for everything. This is a really creative way of doing it.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is also possible to say, “Bob lives like a monk and I live at home, so we have just about nothing. We have plates and stainless, though, and we’re not doing the china and silver thing, so I guess the only thing to say is that we like dark blue and dark green. We both have jobs and we don’t need much, so if anyone decides to just give money to Holy Names Abbey or St. Benedict School in our names, instead, that would be great, too.”

 

[1ke]

Really? I’m getting married in June, and nobody has mentioned registries at all, except my Mother who reminded me how much she hates them.

Personally, I’m not fond of them either. And we decided that, instead of registering anywhere, we’re including a brochure for a favorite charity with the invitations, and requesting donations there.

It is not appropriate to put any mention of gifts-- charity donations or otherwise-- in your wedding invitations!!!

 

[shainski]

It is not appropriate to put any mention of gifts-- charity donations or otherwise-- in your wedding invitations!!!

Yes, i agree with 1ke. Don’t mention it. If someone asks, then you can provide the information (Share it with your wedding party if you like and guests will ask them as the time approaches).

According to modern ettiquette you are not even supposed to mention “No Gifts” since it would imply that you expected them.

 

[newf]

Exactly!!

At a wedding we attended, there was a small sign in the center of the table that said ‘in lieu of flowers, we have sent a donation to this particular charity’. I thought that was tacky, too. If you’re giving to charity, you don’t need to brag to me about it.

And while I’m at it, I cannot stand when at the bridal shower they ask the guests to write their addresses on envelopes meant for thank you notes. Why don’t I just write myself a thank you note while I’m at it???

Vent over.

 

[TraderTif]

It is not appropriate to put any mention of gifts-- charity donations or otherwise-- in your wedding invitations!!!

Then why does everyone give their registries there?

 

[twoangels]

Yes, i agree with 1ke. Don’t mention it. If someone asks, then you can provide the information (Share it with your wedding party if you like and guests will ask them as the time approaches).

According to modern ettiquette you are not even supposed to mention “No Gifts” since it would imply that you expected them.

This just shows how backward our society is. Its taken as very very important not to give the IMPRESSION that you expect gifts, but then you’re to go out to the stores and pick out the make and model number as well as the store where the guests are to pick up and purchase the gifts for you. You do this ultimately because you DO expect gifts. The very existance of a wedding registry displays far more expectation for what gifts to purchase.

Moreover, the trend today is not for people to share the location of the secret wedding registry by word of mouth. It is to create a wedding website that contains details about the wedding location, how you met, how he proposed, things to do in the area, directions, blocked hotel rooms and links to your gift registries, and an online RSVP application. Not to mention promotional links to what company is doing your flowers, where you got your wedding gown, a blog detailing your wedding planning adventures, etc.

Of course, in this day and age, its pretty common for people not to RSVP. In the end, we had to resort to phone calls and setting up a facebook event for people to RSVP through (because it was too much work for them to send the RSVP card even though we provided them with a stamp) and it was too much work to go to the website. But facebook? Oh they go on there everyday so RSVPing on there was totally the route to go.

I had a friend who sent her save the dates on facebook. You indicated whether you were going and were instructed to send your address to the bride’s mother via facebook so that you could later get the formal invitation.

So basically the trend today is this. Everything that is rude in a mailed out invitation is totally ok online. You’ll do most of the work online, but to show your guests that its formal, you spend money on purchasing fancy wedding invitations to mail out to give the appearence of elegance and to set the “tone” for what your wedding is going to be like. Without the formal invitations, a facebook invite means to people that you’ll be meeting up with the bride and the groom at the courthouse and will go out to the bars afterward. Either that or it means it means you’re rude.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

And while I’m at it, I cannot stand when at the bridal shower they ask the guests to write their addresses on envelopes meant for thank you notes. Why don’t I just write myself a thank you note while I’m at it???

Got this t-shirt, too. Argh!

I went to one shower where the mother of the bride announced the giver and her gift, the amount she spent on it, and one her sisters wrote everything down in a ledger.

In my darker moments I’m convinced people have forgotten how to behave.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Got this t-shirt, too. Argh!

I went to one shower where the mother of the bride announced the giver and her gift, the amount she spent on it, and one her sisters wrote everything down in a ledger.

In my darker moments I’m convinced people have forgotten how to behave.

Ok I can at least understand writing down who gave what so the thank you notes are correct - but announcing it??? Price??? What???

 

[1ke]

Then why does everyone give their registries there?

No, no, no.

Perhaps you are thinking of bridal shower invitations. The reason it is appropriate in that context is because the purpose of a bridal shower is to give gifts.

I certainly hope you are not receiving wedding invitations stuffed with registery information.

 

[TraderTif]

No, no, no.

Perhaps you are thinking of bridal shower invitations. The reason it is appropriate in that context is because the purpose of a bridal shower is to give gifts.

I certainly hope you are not receiving wedding invitations stuffed with registery information.

Yes, every wedding invitation I’ve ever received was stuffed with registry information. (The bridal showers, apparently, had their own registries, and their own invitations - I never went to any of those.)

 

[aloe]

Registry or no registry, accept gifts graciously and then after the thank yous are written, keep them or donate them to charity as the spirit moves you.

I agree with this. Have you ever attended a wedding? Bought a gift for expecting parents? Bought a birthday present for someone you love? Please don’t turn the registry into a huge issue, either register or don’t and move on. People want to celebrate your marriage with you, you are lucky and blessed to have such caring people in your life. Some people want to give gifts, others want to give cash, some won’t get you anything, all of those are their own choices. Please let them make that decision for themselves as capable adults.

 

[shainski]

I don’t want to be in the position of defending modern culture. I do enjoy reading “Miss Manners” (Judith Martin) etiquette column. In regards to wedding invitations and mentioning of gifts, there seems to be many letters sent to her.

From an online search, i found:

But the innovations that are most widely followed, even by those who resent them, are vulgar, impractical or nonsensical – and almost always expensive. Here are some that Miss Manners refuses to sanction:

(here she had a list of items, one of which is:

That the wedding couple is not only entitled but obligated to think up their own presents, and that guests are bound to buy them as directed. Worse, that guests are supposed to bring goods equivalent in value to the cost of the food and drink they receive. And that the couple has a year after the wedding in which to send their thanks.

Getting married does not endow people with the privilege of levying taxes or charging admission. It does give them the obligation of expressing their gratitude in writing immediately, and to refrain from complaining about what a burden it is to be the recipient of so many people’s generosity. Presents are voluntary, and should be selected by the giver, but never brought along to the wedding, where collecting them causes no end of trouble.

and from another column, Miss Manners responded to a question:

Gentle Reader:
“No gifts” – what could be more plainly stated? Miss Manners wants to
believe that people put this on invitations to relieve their guests of a presumed
obligation.
She has had to oppose this, while commending the intention, because one
is not supposed to be thinking of one’s guests in terms of presents, not even to
discourage them.
But since no one seems to get it – some thinking as you suggest, others
presuming that it means that only cash donations are acceptable – it is useless,
anyway.