Living Simply, Wedding Registries and Consumerism

[EasterJoy]

No, no, no.

Perhaps you are thinking of bridal shower invitations. The reason it is appropriate in that context is because the purpose of a bridal shower is to give gifts.

I certainly hope you are not receiving wedding invitations stuffed with registery information.

Oh, that it were so, but it is not. We get wedding invitations with the logos of stores where the couple is registered all the time. Word of mouth is apparently not an efficient enough method of getting the word out.

Besides, it is pushing the envelope to include that information even in an invitation to a bridal shower. It is a gift-giving event, true, but putting the information in the invitation implies that it is preferred that gifts be purchased from the stores where the couple has registered. There isn’t a polite way to express such a preference without being pressed with a direct inquiry from the gift-giver. Otherwise, the pretense has to be maintained that the recipients would like whatever the gift-givers give, obtained from whereever they elected to obtain it, including homemade.

 

[1ke]

Yes, every wedding invitation I’ve ever received was stuffed with registry information. (The bridal showers, apparently, had their own registries, and their own invitations - I never went to any of those.)

Well, all I can tell you is that it is not appropriate to do so.

 

[TraderTif]

Well, all I can tell you is that it is not appropriate to do so.

Is there no polite way, then, to ward off unwanted and unnecessary gifts, from people who can’t afford to give them, but feel obligated, because other relatives will insist on doing so???

(I do hate being “rude”…but this seemed like the most “polite” solution I could come up with…since it lets everyone “off the hook”)

 

[newf]

Well, all I can tell you is that it is not appropriate to do so.

While we are on the topic of inappropriate… it is not a good idea to ask a guest where their gift is. I admit I had forgotten to send the gift, but my poor husband didn’t know what to say when his coworker asked him where it was.

 

[Mrs_V]

We didn’t register anywhere when we were married, but I’ve posted before about how simple/inexpensive our wedding was and I know our friends and family did not expect us to. We did get plenty of gifts in the form of cards with checks/cash inside and a set of picture frames.

 

[newf]

Is there no polite way, then, to ward off unwanted and unnecessary gifts, from people who can’t afford to give them, but feel obligated, because other relatives will insist on doing so???

(I do hate being “rude”…but this seemed like the most “polite” solution I could come up with…since it lets everyone “off the hook”)

It is not polite to assume you know what other people can and cannot afford. I know you are trying to be kind, but it kind of backfires when you make presumptions.

Also, to call any gift unwanted or unnecessary is also rude. It is always the thought that counts, if someone cared enough to buy you the bright yellow duck cookie jar (like I got), that requires thankfulness. When the note is written, the gifts are then yours to do with as you please. You can give them away, return them for something else or even regift or toss them out.

 

[1ke]

Is there no polite way, then, to ward off unwanted and unnecessary gifts, from people who can’t afford to give them, but feel obligated, because other relatives will insist on doing so???

Yes. By word of mouth.

Your mother tells their mother, etc. They ask you what you would like, you reply with “your presence is our gift, please do not put yourself out.”

Otherwise, they are big people and will take care of themselves.

(I do hate being “rude”…but this seemed like the most “polite” solution I could come up with…since it lets everyone “off the hook”)

It isn’t polite, though. It screams impolite.

 

[TraderTif]

Yes. By word of mouth.

Your mother tells their mother, etc. They ask you what you would like, you reply with “your presence is our gift, please do not put yourself out.”

Otherwise, they are big people and will take care of themselves.

Word of mouth?? My Mom is supposed to call all these people and hope that they ask?? Why would I ask her to do that??? Who would call my fiancé’s people?? And wouldn’t they think it’s weird to do that??

It isn’t polite, though. It screams impolite.

why?

 

[1ke]

Word of mouth?? My Mom is supposed to call all these people and hope that they ask?? Why would I ask her to do that??? Who would call my fiancé’s people?? And wouldn’t they think it’s weird to do that??

well, I don’t know about your family, but most families and friends talk to each other. Same for your fiancee’s family. No, your mother does not go on a fishing expedition with invitees.

Really, if they want to find out about gifts or registry they will call you, call your mom, call your best friend. If they don’t ask then they don’t ask. You accept any gift they give you gracioiusly.

why?

Because etiquette is not about what is easy for you, it is about what is right and wrong in social settings.

 

[TraderTif]

Because etiquette is not about what is easy for you, it is about what is right and wrong in social settings.

(I’m sorry - this was the biggest thing I’ve been looking forward to, in terms of all that wedding planning stuff. I wanted to do this ever since I was a little kid. I had no idea it had the potential to come off as “rude” to some people.)

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Every invitation we’ve received in recent years has had a separate card on it listing registry information. We even got one a couple months ago that, instead of a traditional invitation, was a big magnet for your fridge. It had pictures of the couple, the church, all the details, plus registry information at the bottom along with a note stating that they’d be willing to take gift cards (along with a list of 4-5 different stores & restaurants) in lieu of presents. We didn’t go to the wedding, but we still have that goofy magnet hanging on the fridge holding up a bunch of our daughters’ school papers.

 

[Corki]

Really, if they want to find out about gifts or registry they will call you, call your mom, call your best friend. If they don’t ask then they don’t ask. You accept any gift they give you gracioiusly.

Thanks for that. I am a dinosaur but that’s the way it was when I got married. The only enclosure in the invitation was the RSVP card. We did register and if someone wanted to ask about that, they called my mother. After all the invitation read Mr. and Mrs Parents of Corki request your presence…

Most of the gifts we got were off the registry so I am guessing that most of our guests figured out the dinosaur code.

 

[Chorister1980]

When my husband I were married (nearly 11 years ago now) I lived at home and he had a small house which was kitted out by friends and family with second hand furniture, crockery, cutlery, towels, bed linen and even a second hand fridge.

The people who were invited wanted to know what we wanted as gifts, they wanted to give us gifts, we wanted nothing more than them to share our day, but they wanted to give us a gift as a way of celebrating our marriage.

What we did was write a list of things we needed, nothing extravagant, mainly new replacements for the second hand, mostly worn out, furnishings in the house that was to be our marital home. We gave this list to our parents and if anyone asked we advised them to speak to them, my mother and my MIL would then suggest something from the list and co-ordinate with each other to ensure we didnt get 40 toasters

I felt more comfortable with this as I wasn’t telling people where and how much to spend, if someone wanted to buy us a kettle we weren’t insisting they bough us a £50 kettle, they could spend what they could afford on whatever they chose to buy, and they knew we needed it and were incredibly grateful for it.

People were incredibly generous and we were lucky enough to be able to buy a new fridge freezer and bed with vouchers that we were given.

As I said this was nearly 11 years ago and we are still using all of the gifts we were given, two houses and two children later!

I think accepting gifts graciously, and with genuine gratefulness, makes your guests happy.

I know I, as a guest at a wedding, like to buy for the happy couple, its an expression of my feeling for them and my hope for their life together.

That is long…I hope it makes sense!!

 

[anp1215]

It is not appropriate to put any mention of gifts-- charity donations or otherwise-- in your wedding invitations!!!

I honestly think about 95% of the population does not know this. I can think of one invitation I’ve gotten that did not have registry information with the invitation. I got one last year that had a little “This couple is registered at JCPenney” card inside. So if even the stores are giving out cards to put in your invitations, it’s no surprise that most people don’t know it’s rude.

I’m also convinced that about 80% of the population doesn’t know what thank you cards are. But that’s another story.

 

[EasterJoy]

Word of mouth?? My Mom is supposed to call all these people and hope that they ask?? Why would I ask her to do that??? Who would call my fiancé’s people?? And wouldn’t they think it’s weird to do that??

why?

These are people who are close enough to someone in your family to feel comfortable inquiring about your likes and dislikes, right? Some of them are even personal friends who can give you gifts without fear of rejection? Otherwise, how on earth would you or your parents decide that they’re close enough to invite to your wedding?

 

[twoangels]

well, I don’t know about your family, but most families and friends talk to each other. Same for your fiancee’s family. No, your mother does not go on a fishing expedition with invitees.

Really, if they want to find out about gifts or registry they will call you, call your mom, call your best friend. If they don’t ask then they don’t ask. You accept any gift they give you gracioiusly.

Because etiquette is not about what is easy for you, it is about what is right and wrong in social settings.

I think what the younger generations are being taught is etiquette is different than the older generations, and I think we’re being taught by a wedding industry that is trying to make a profit off of us. As such, we make these registries and give you the lists because we perceive this to be the etiquette. its actually very exhausting to make a registry. The stores use weddings as free promotional material. So of course the pressure is to inform guests in the invitations where the registry is located.

A friend of mine who got married didn’t want to make one either but considered it an obligation. She ended up registered at 4 or 5 different stores. And certainly there was not a way for us to get registry info in another way. We did not know her family nor did we know any of her other friends’. We only knew the bride and groom and they were busy planning their wedding. She was very smart though. She grouped all her friends’ from the area we lived in at the same table. It became an opportunity to meet and make new friends.

 

[TraderTif]

These are people who are close enough to someone in your family to feel comfortable inquiring about your likes and dislikes, right? Some of them are even personal friends who can give you gifts without fear of rejection? Otherwise, how on earth would you or your parents decide that they’re close enough to invite to your wedding?

Um, not necessarily. Most of them are just relatives - I barely know them, because they live scattered all over the place. They’re invited because…well, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do??

Yes, I do think they’d be uncomfortable making such inquiries - I know my folks would have been, (and I certainly would have been) if we hadn’t gotten registries included with everyone else’s invitations.

(My folks and I always hated the idea of registries, but we hated them because…I mean, when you get something from there, then the recipients and everybody else know how much you spent, and you feel obligated to get something from the list, etc. It was nice to have a general idea of what they might like, without have to call around and fish for hints, but these were specific lists…and with incredibly high price tags, at that.) I thought the brochure for the charity was better, because it gives people a concrete idea, but they don’t feel obligated at all, because who’s gonna know if they donate or not, or how much money if they do? And if they’d rather spend the money on, say, actually coming to the wedding (since it would involve travel for all of my people), nobody would think it strange that they show up empty-handed, because everyone would assume they’d donated to charity.

 

[1ke]

Um, not necessarily. Most of them are just relatives - I barely know them, because they live scattered all over the place. They’re invited because…well, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do??

No, actually, it isn’t.

Yes, I do think they’d be uncomfortable making such inquiries - I know my folks would have been, (and I certainly would have been) if we hadn’t gotten registries included with everyone else’s invitations.

I really find this strange.

(My folks and I always hated the idea of registries, but we hated them because…I mean, when you get something from there, then the recipients and everybody else know how much you spent, and you feel obligated to get something from the list, etc. It was nice to have a general idea of what they might like, without have to call around and fish for hints, but these were specific lists…and with incredibly high price tags, at that.)

Then don’t have one.

I thought the brochure for the charity was better, because it gives people a concrete idea, but they don’t feel obligated at all, because who’s gonna know if they donate or not, or how much money if they do?

Because they are going to buy a card, bring it to the wedding and give it to you. Inside that card there will either be a card from the charity saying “so and so donated $X in your name” or they will handwrite “Best wishes, We donated $X to so-and-so charity on your behalf”.

What they certainly will not do is donate to the charity and fail to tell you.

And if they’d rather spend the money on, say, actually coming to the wedding (since it would involve travel for all of my people), nobody would think it strange that they show up empty-handed, because everyone would assume they’d donated to charity.

No one would think it strang anyway, because it is also appropriate to have gifts sent directly to the bride (or groom). It is actually not proper ettiquette to bring it to the wedding itself, nor to have a “gift table”. But that is another thread entirely.

Resist the urge to put brochures in your invitations.

 

[1ke]

I think what the younger generations are being taught is etiquette is different than the older generations, and I think we’re being taught by a wedding industry that is trying to make a profit off of us.

Why you are being taught by marketers and advertisers instead of your own parents baffles my mind.

Thankfully most brides also buy a wedding ettiquette book, such as Emily Post or Crane’s. However, even “the Knot” (Ask Carly) says emphatically no gift registry info in the invitation, and they are not exactly conservative or old fashioned.

wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-invitation-questions/qa/should-we-include-registry-on-invitations.aspx

 

[TraderTif]

Because they are going to buy a card, bring it to the wedding and give it to you. Inside that card there will either be a card from the charity saying “so and so donated $X in your name” or they will handwrite “Best wishes, We donated $X to so-and-so charity on your behalf”.

What they certainly will not do is donate to the charity and fail to tell you.

You really think so? (I thought some people might do that, but didn’t think the majority would…)

Resist the urge to put brochures in your invitations.

I still like the idea, and already have the envelopes stuffed and ready to go (just awaiting postage). I guess I’ll just come across as rude… (