The most comprehensive piece on the church’s position on living together before marriage I have read is presented in the NCCB’s statement titled *Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Couples *issued in 1999.
The paper thoroughly discusses the reasons people choose to live togther, the demographics of cohabitating couples, the detrimental effects of cohabitation on an eventual marriage, and the approach those in marrige preparation ministery should take with these couples, since about 40% of the couples married in the Church are already living together.
The document can be found at:
nccbusccb.org/laity/marriage/cohabiting.htm
The information contained in the document is well researched and there are several pages of citations at the end.
According to the bishops the factors that put cohabitors who marry at greater risk for divorce are:
Predisposing attitudes and characteristics they take into the marriage, based on the experiences from the cohabitation itself create problem patterns and behaviors.
Generally, “cohabitors are less committed to the institution of marriage and more accepting of divorce.”
Sexual unfaithfullness is more likely to occur in a marriage where the couples cohabitated.
Cohabitors tend to hold individualism as a more important value than do non-cohabitors. Individualism is a necessary value for everyone, but the marriage itself should take priorty. Apparently those who cohabit are more likely to give priorty to individualism than to marital unity.
Cohabitating couples often marry under pressure from friends and family.
Cohabitors often have an “inappropriately high expectation of marriage”. When problems arise they often blsme it on the institution of marriage.
Cohabitors often exterience more conflect over money. Druing the cohabitation money often viewed as his or hers. After the mariage it may be difficult to develope the concept of “our” money.
domestic violence is more common to cohabitating couples. "Cohabating partners can have a lesser felt need to protect the relationship while they are cohabitating because they do not see it as permanent.
( I find this point to be most interesting)
“Cohabitors who marry are less effective at conflict resolution than those who did not cohabit. Either fear of upsetting an uncommitted relationship, or the ack of need to protect a tempory relationship can be factors that lead cohabitating couples into poor patterns of conflict resolution which they then carry into the marriage.”
Committment is the biggest factor. A couple is not fully committed unless they are married, no matter how much love they share. After the wedding they may tend to maintain the attitude that dicorce is an option, just as sipmply packing up and leaving was an option before the wedding.
Of course there are exceptions to all of these points, but generally speaking the report makes sense. And, it is based upon very sound research.
Pax et Bonum!
