Loneliness and the church

[Ontheway]

Loneliness and isolation is a problem for many people. The Catholic Harold in the UK calls it a “plague”. catholicherald.co.uk/issues/december-25th-2015/help-tackle-the-plague-of-loneliness/

Many people here post their concerns about being lonely, even when they attend church.

Is the church doing enough to address these problems?
I see the small protestant churches creating a sense of community where everyone is included. They meet and socialize. When something goes wrong, they gather and help each other.
Catholics seem to be ignoring these problems, or am I hopelessly wrong?
I know we have Catholic Charities that help the victims of floods and tornados. What about your shut-in neighbor?
What is the church’s responsibility here?

 

[EasterJoy]

I’d say the community that people say they want exists in most parishes, but it exists among the parishioners who do more than walk in five minutes before Mass starts and leave immediately after it is over. You can have greeters at the door smiling and shaking hands with others as they come in, but you’re not going to learn people’s names and circumstances if they don’t invest more time than it takes to worship together. Mass is not the kind of worship ritual that includes socializing. It presumes that Catholics will seek that out from each other outside of Mass.

You cannot hand people “community” as a pre-manufactured product, but a parish can organize ways for people to connect with each other and formalize ways for people to ask for outreach. There are many parishes in my area that do this by organizing social events after every Mass and for various smaller demographics within the parish–youth, parents with small children, retirees, and so on–and by publicizing the means by which people who want outreach can ask for it.

 

[Ontheway]

I’d say the community that people say they want exists in most parishes, but it exists among the parishioners who do more than walk in five minutes before Mass starts and leave immediately after it is over. You can have greeters at the door smiling and shaking hands with others as they come in, but you’re not going to learn people’s names and circumstances if they don’t invest more time than it takes to worship together. Mass is not the kind of worship ritual that includes socializing. It presumes that Catholics will seek that out from each other outside of Mass.

You cannot hand people “community” as a pre-manufactured product, but a parish can organize ways for people to connect with each other and formalize ways for people to ask for outreach. There are many parishes in my area that do this by organizing social events after every Mass and for various smaller demographics within the parish–youth, parents with small children, retirees, and so on–and by publicizing the means by which people who want outreach can ask for it.

I agree and I see many organizations working in my parish as well. It seems that a small percentage (5%?) serve in various groups and committees, but what about the rest?

The need for more is expressed everywhere, including this forum. People walk in and out of our churches, but we as a faith group seem somehow reluctant to invite them to stay longer. Is the priest shortage part of the problem?

 

[pianistclare]

I agree and I see many organizations working in my parish as well. It seems that a small percentage (5%?) serve in various groups and committees, but what about the rest?

The need for more is expressed everywhere, including this forum. People walk in and out of our churches, but we as a faith group seem somehow reluctant to invite them to stay longer. Is the priest shortage part of the problem?

No. We invite like crazy. People ignore the invitation:
They don’t realize it’s Christ that does the inviting, and Him that they don’t want to serve.

 

[Ontheway]

So what do the Baptists do, for example, that seems to work so much better?
I had a Baptist neighbor couple that recruited my family for several years. They invited us to their open church events, organized a prayer group for my wife when she was ill, still send us Christmas cards after 15 years of living apart. Not so the many Catholics we have known. This is not a complaint. I am just wondering about the differences.

 

[1ke]

but we as a faith group seem somehow reluctant to invite them to stay longer.

We invite. But people have to respond. Fifty years ago the church was the center of community and socializing in this area. Friday fish fry, dances, participation in festivals and feast days of the Church year, making the parish a priority and center of culture

Today in this same community, the center of socializing and culture is the high school and its sports cult. Parents will drive through a blizzard to take their kids to a basketball game 100 miles away… But a youth rally, a retreat, a youth ministry event… No time for that because there are sports 7 days a week and heaven forbid they have to drive somewhere more than 5 minutes away for the youth activity… Or (oh the horror) get asked to chaperone an event. One hour of CCD a week is all they have allocated for “churchy” stuff.

The problem runs deep, but it is not the Church’s lack of offering. We have FREE coffee and donuts (which includes healthy options like fruit and yogurt) once a month and there are families and people that literally won’t come-- ever. This is in a parish of less than 70 families where everyone knows everyone by name, including our pastor. We personally walk up and invite, but no they have stuff to do-- youth basketball, dance recital, go home to watch football.

Until and unless people reclaim Sunday as the Lord’s Day and the Church as the primary society to which we belong and owe allegiance, which we cannot make them do, the Church will not be a place of community for most.

I’m actually kind of tired of the mantra “the church needs to do more”. No the people in the church need to WANT more, want better, want “thy kingdom come”… It is up to us to build the society of the Church and we can’t do that if people worships the false gods of this age.

 

[Bonnie]

So what do the Baptists do, for example, that seems to work so much better?
I had a Baptist neighbor couple that recruited my family for several years. They invited us to their open church events, organized a prayer group for my wife when she was ill, still send us Christmas cards after 15 years of living apart. Not so the many Catholics we have known. This is not a complaint. I am just wondering about the differences.

When cults do it, it’s called “love bombing.” I’m a very private person (the Internet is a Godsend for - keeps me connected without personal contact), so love bombing turns me off instead of being attractive. Parish I used to be active in has greeters - I have to steel myself to say hello & shake hands. When I couldn’t take it, I’d sneak in the side door. No greeters at present parish!

 

[Chayla]

I’d say the community that people say they want exists in most parishes, but it exists among the parishioners who do more than walk in five minutes before Mass starts and leave immediately after it is over. You can have greeters at the door smiling and shaking hands with others as they come in, but you’re not going to learn people’s names and circumstances if they don’t invest more time than it takes to worship together. Mass is not the kind of worship ritual that includes socializing. It presumes that Catholics will seek that out from each other outside of Mass.

You cannot hand people “community” as a pre-manufactured product, but a parish can organize ways for people to connect with each other and formalize ways for people to ask for outreach. There are many parishes in my area that do this by organizing social events after every Mass and for various smaller demographics within the parish–youth, parents with small children, retirees, and so on–and by publicizing the means by which people who want outreach can ask for it.

Based on my past experiences with Catholic social events after Mass (various parishes), people were cliquish, and did absolutely nothing to make me feel welcome. The people attending these events wanted to socialize with their own, and made me feel invisible.

IMO, it would take a very strong person to create a “community” in a Catholic parish.

So, while I continue to remain a devout, practicing Catholic, forming a community and developing friendships is not what I expect from the Catholic Church.

This is in sharp contrast to the small Protestant churches, where the people did everything to reach out and make me feel welcome and part of the group.

 

[pianistclare]

we invite. But people have to respond. Fifty years ago the church was the center of community and socializing in this area. Friday fish fry, dances, participation in festivals and feast days of the church year, making the parish a priority and center of culture

today in this same community, the center of socializing and culture is the high school and its sports cult. Parents will drive through a blizzard to take their kids to a basketball game 100 miles away… But a youth rally, a retreat, a youth ministry event… No time for that because there are sports 7 days a week and heaven forbid they have to drive somewhere more than 5 minutes away for the youth activity… Or (oh the horror) get asked to chaperone an event. One hour of ccd a week is all they have allocated for “churchy” stuff.

The problem runs deep, but it is not the church’s lack of offering. We have free coffee and donuts (which includes healthy options like fruit and yogurt) once a month and there are families and people that literally won’t come-- ever. This is in a parish of less than 70 families where everyone knows everyone by name, including our pastor. We personally walk up and invite, but no they have stuff to do-- youth basketball, dance recital, go home to watch football.

Until and unless people reclaim sunday as the lord’s day and the church as the primary society to which we belong and owe allegiance, which we cannot make them do, the church will not be a place of community for most.

I’m actually kind of tired of the mantra “the church needs to do more”. No the people in the church need to want more, want better, want “thy kingdom come”… It is up to us to build the society of the church and we can’t do that if people worships the false gods of this age.

[sign]amen sista[/sign]

 

[Chayla]

…The problem runs deep, but it is not the Church’s lack of offering. We have FREE coffee and donuts (which includes healthy options like fruit and yogurt) once a month and there are families and people that literally won’t come-- ever…

I don’t disagree with this. BUT, it does take a certain temperament to navigate the Catholic social landscape. Not everyone is socially strong. But, we all need community.

When I attended these Catholic “coffee & donut” events, I was totally ignored. I long stopped attending these events because they were such awkward experiences.

Yes, others may have experiences different then mine. But, in my experience, the coffee & donut events in small Protestant churches were very different than the Catholic ones.

 

[Ontheway]

When cults do it, it’s called “love bombing.” I’m a very private person (the Internet is a Godsend for - keeps me connected without personal contact), so love bombing turns me off instead of being attractive. Parish I used to be active in has greeters - I have to steel myself to say hello & shake hands. When I couldn’t take it, I’d sneak in the side door. No greeters at present parish!

Wow. Thank you for the “love bombing” concept. I have never heard of this, and I am old.
This is probably what my neighbors were practicing, although, having failed, they still send me Christmas cards.
The greeting things doesn’t work for me either. I just don’t get the concept.

 

[1ke]

I don’t disagree with this. BUT, it does take a certain temperament to navigate the Catholic social landscape. Not everyone is socially strong. But, we all need community.

When I attended these Catholic “coffee & donut” events, I was totally ignored. I long stopped attending these events because they were such awkward experiences.

Yes, others may have experiences different then mine. But, in my experience, the coffee & donut events in small Protestant churches were very different than the Catholic ones.

Less than 50 people, all of whom know each other and half of whom are related to each other, this is a small country parish. This was an example of how people have to WANT to make the Church their place to socialize and their society. Because these exact same people ALL interact at: bowling league, school events, county fair, 4-H, and a local cancer charity that most of them are involved in. But no time for “churchy” stuff.

Oh, only 4 new families in our parish in 10 years and ALL personally invited by me/my husband to coffee and donuts and other parish functions. We DO personally connect with new people, not hard since there are so few.

I was new 10 years ago when I moved here due to my marriage to DH. So I know about being new. I was also new to my parish of 7,000 families in my old city when I converted to Catholicism. So I know about being new in large and small parishes and being a convert.

I don’t think “cliques” is the problem, cliques exist everywhere because people exist everywhere. It’s about priorities.

 

[Ontheway]

Based on my past experiences with Catholic social events after Mass (various parishes), people were cliquish, and did absolutely nothing to make me feel welcome. The people attending these events wanted to socialize with their own, and made me feel invisible.

IMO, it would take a very strong person to create a “community” in a Catholic parish.

So, while I continue to remain a devout, practicing Catholic, forming a community and developing friendships is not what I expect from the Catholic Church.

This is in sharp contrast to the small Protestant churches, where the people did everything to reach out and make me feel welcome and part of the group.

I agree with this. I have “floated” through a number of after mass coffee and doughnut events, virtually invisible. No one approached to say hi, how are you, or any such thing. I came, walked about, looked and left. No interest from the self-absorbed private groups around various tables.
Again, not a complaint - just an observation.

 

[1ke]

I agree with this. I have “floated” through a number of after mass coffee and doughnut events, virtually invisible. No one approached to say hi, how are you, or any such thing. I came, walked about, looked and left. No interest from the self-absorbed private groups around various tables.
Again, not a complaint - just an observation.

Did you approach, say “hi is this seat taken?” Or “can I help pour coffee?”

 

[Chayla]

Did you approach, say “hi is this seat taken?” Or “can I help pour coffee?”

After mustering up the courage, I WOULD ask if a seat at the table was vacant. I sat down and introduced myself.

Although I was “allowed” to sit at the table, the group would appear disinterested in my company, and proceeded with their own conversation as if I didn’t exist.

 

[Ontheway]

I don’t disagree with this. BUT, it does take a certain temperament to navigate the Catholic social landscape. Not everyone is socially strong. But, we all need community.

When I attended these Catholic “coffee & donut” events, I was totally ignored. I long stopped attending these events because they were such awkward experiences.

Yes, others may have experiences different then mine. But, in my experience, the coffee & donut events in small Protestant churches were very different than the Catholic ones.

Thank you for pointing this out. It does seem to require strength and determination to be able to penetrate the inner circles in our parishes. The small groups that seem to be “in charge”. Maybe the question should be - why does it take strength of character to “navigate the social landscape” just to feel that the church community is a community that will include everyone?

 

[pianistclare]

I would say that if one has trouble making friends outside of church, then that person will have trouble making friends within the context of “church”.

The Church exists to get you to heaven.
If you build your social landscape around those same people…that’s great.
But it doesn’t magically happen as part of the membership process.
One gets out what they put in. Just like any group. One has to participate. One has to respond positively when people reach their hand out when you enter the church.
One has to strike a conversation with others at the table while munching your donuts.
I have found that nearly everyone at church wants to chat.
Nearly everyone loves a smile back at them.
Nearly everyone has at least one small thing in common with another.
I don’t know what more a “church” can do.
The Catholic church has all the tools for salvation.
All of us are called to be the hands and feet of Christ. Not just the Pastor and the committee heads.
All of us.
Even the shy people.
Those are the people that fold mailings. Count money. Press linens. Water flowers. Vacuum the church. Weed the garden. Pray in the rosary group. Sit with the Blessed Sacrament for 24-hour Adoration. Some of the kindest people are there with the Lord.
Not everything has to do with huge crowds.
Every year I ask for volunteers to help teach the very youngest children in Sunday school. You’d think I was asking for a million dollars cash. People RUN. How hard is it to read to children and teach them the Hail Mary? 4 year olds are not critical. They’re way cute.
But yet…people think we ask too much.

 

[Chayla]

I would say that if one has trouble making friends outside of church, then that person will have trouble making friends within the context of “church”…

This is very true, you clearly understand.

BUT, those who are REJECTED in the secular world precisely look to form their “community” within the Church.

AND, this is a most serious and disturbing matter, as many Catholics leave the Church for small Protestant churches in search of community, where these individuals feel welcome.

Again, not everyone is socially strong. Catholic parishes should do MORE to make all feel welcome.

People can be invited to coffee after Mass, but it doesn’t do any good if they’re given the cold shoulder when they arrive. They won’t come back the next time.

 

[1ke]

Those are the people that fold mailings. Count money. Press linens. Water flowers. Vacuum the church.

Oh snap, you mean I can give up these jobs??? Yay?

 

[Burt_Macklin]

I agree with this. I have “floated” through a number of after mass coffee and doughnut events, virtually invisible. No one approached to say hi, how are you, or any such thing. I came, walked about, looked and left. No interest from the self-absorbed private groups around various tables.
Again, not a complaint - just an observation.

I hear ya. It’s strange for me as well. Nobody introduces themselves and everybody stays in their own group. When there aren’t any coffee and donuts it’s like a race to get out of the parking lot. The only success I had a making friends at church was when I attended a maronite mass on the other side of town and got invited for supper that afternoon. I don’t have problems making friends outside of church at work or while traveling.