Loneliness and the church

[1ke]

BUT, those who are REJECTED in the secular world precisely look to form their “community” within the Church.

And there is the problem. Christian society does not exist in the U.S. anymore.

EVERYONE should look to form their community at Church, not just the ones who don’t make it into basketball booster clique.

 

[Ontheway]

But I think we all agree that the “shy” label doesn’t explain away the sentiment so many people have about the lack of a sense of “community” in the church.
I don’t know what it is and why it is so.

There are too many isolated elderly people that have no one to talk to. There are too many disenfranchised young adults for whom the church offer little. There are too many people who are divorced, come from broken homes, married out of church, who left the church and want to be invited back.

How do we as a church community respond?

Perhaps those of you who have a lot of experience of being involved in your parish activities could offer some advice.

 

[pianistclare]

Oh snap, you mean I can give up these jobs??? Yay?

NOOOOOOOOOOOO Protect your clique at all costs! We don’t want STRANGERS coming in, right?



Honestly, I really get offended when people say they were or were not “allowed” to participate.
Who gave the original crew permission?
Christ did.
On the cross.
I guess people forget that.

 

[Chayla]

The advice given on this board is to just be friendly and make conversation.

During my times at the Catholic events, when trying to be friendly and converse with a group, I would be given “the look” which spoke volumes, that the group didn’t want to be bothered by what I had to say…

And, the approach toward me was VERY DIFFERENT in the small Protestant Churches, when everyone sitting at a table would show interest in all who were present.

So, again, I repeat that all may be invited, but NOT all are made to feel welcome.

 

[pianistclare]

But I think we all agree that the “shy” label doesn’t explain away the sentiment so many people have about the lack of a sense of “community” in the church.
I don’t know what it is and why it is so.

There are too many isolated elderly people that have no one to talk to. There are too many disenfranchised young adults for whom the church offer little. There are too many people who are divorced, come from broken homes, married out of church, who left the church and want to be invited back.

How do we as a church community respond?

Perhaps those of you who have a lot of experience of being involved in your parish activities could offer some advice.

Honestly, we’re responded until we’re blue in the face.
I’ve been through so many stewardship campaigns, so many welcoming committees, so many “hospitality” committees…

and you know what? They don’t’ work.
People have to do SOME of the heavy lifting.
I can’t create a warm and fuzzy without warm bodies at least showing up.

People come to the Catholic church for the Real Presence in the Eucharist.
At least I hope they would. Everything else is a bonus.

 

[1ke]

How do we as a church community respond?

One person at a time.

Perhaps those of you who have a lot of experience of being involved in your parish activities could offer some advice.

Sure, you just show up and do something.

Go to your pastor and say, “I want to do X” the do it.

When I arrived at my little parish we didn’t have a pro life ministry, stewardship program, RCIA, or adult catchesis,

So I said,“Hey Father, I want to do a baby shower for baby Jesus this Christmas.” And I wrote up something for the bulletin, got up and spoke at mass, and now we are in our 10th year of the baby shower.

We didn’t have RCIA so I said, “Gee Father, we should offer something and I bet some people would enter the Church.” So I wrote a grant to buy ACM materials and get trained, and I offer RCIA. I have had 3 people enter the church and one regularized their marriage.

We didn’t do stewardship programs, so I said, “Hey Father, someone should get up and talk about stewardship.” So I got up and talked about stewardship. This year we exceeded our goal for bishop’s appeal by 100%. Ten years ago we were begging people to turn in their pledges.

We did not do adult catchesis, so I said, “Hey Father, why don’t we order these little medidation booklets for Lent and Advent and put them out for people to take?” And, so now I do that every year and pick a book to give away free every year too.

And when I took over CCD, I said to the parents, “I can run the CCD program but my travel schedule for work does not allow me to take on youth ministry too, so I will need some parents to step up and take over youth ministry.” And so we have no youth ministry.

Look, I put my energy where I feel called-- pro life, catchesis. Youth ministry is not my thing. It clearly is not a priority to their own parents.

 

[pensmama87]

Sometimes you just have to screw up your courage and do it.I’m an incredibly introverted person. I grew up with socially awkward parents and moved a lot and we never did anything. I found at purely social events I got very nervous.

So I started by signing up to do something. I could show up and have a task, and I could talk to other people about the task. Then if I saw the same person at a purely social function, the ice was already broken.

I’ll probably never be a chatty Cathy - it’s just not me - but I can smile, say hello, and have several questions I keep in the back of my mind to help if conversation lags. I have had several people tell me how warm and approachable they find me. But I had to work up to that. Society doesn’t really teachsocial skills now.

The Church was inviting me. I just had to get over myself and listen.

 

[1ke]

Oh and I do all those things because Christ tells me to, corporal and spiritual works of mercy. I am there doing for others, not myself.

You might get the idea that I am “in the clique”. But no,

I have ZERO friends in this place I call home, not one person in 10 years has invited me to dinner at their home, to an event, to ANYTHING. No one calls to chat. No one has struck up a friendship of any type despite my overture, and trust me… I ain’t shy.

And yet, I am successful in my ministry. Because it’s about the Lord, not me.

 

[Ontheway]

Honestly, we’re responded until we’re blue in the face.
I’ve been through so many stewardship campaigns, so many welcoming committees, so many “hospitality” committees…

and you know what? They don’t’ work.
People have to do SOME of the heavy lifting.
I can’t create a warm and fuzzy without warm bodies at least showing up.

People come to the Catholic church for the Real Presence in the Eucharist.
At least I hope they would. Everything else is a bonus.

I have great admiration for all those people in the parish who do the thankless jobs to keep the parish going. I really do and I want to THANK YOU so much for your commitment.

This discussion was not intended as criticism of you or the church. Those of you who do all the heavy lifting can not do it all.

 

[pianistclare]

Sometimes you just have to screw up your courage and do it.I’m an incredibly introverted person. I grew up with socially awkward parents and moved a lot and we never did anything. I found at purely social events I got very nervous.

So I started by signing up to do something. I could show up and have a task, and I could talk to other people about the task. Then if I saw the same person at a purely social function, the ice was already broken.

I’ll probably never be a chatty Cathy - it’s just not me - but I can smile, say hello, and have several questions I keep in the back of my mind to help if conversation lags. I have had several people tell me how warm and approachable they find me. But I had to work up to that. Society doesn’t really teachsocial skills now.

The Church was inviting me. I just had to get over myself and listen.

Yup.

 

[pianistclare]

Oh and I do all those things because Christ tells me to, corporal and spiritual works of mercy. I am there doing for others, not myself.

You might get the idea that I am “in the clique”. But no,

I have ZERO friends in this place I call home, not one person in 10 years has invited me to dinner at their home, to an event, to ANYTHING. No one calls to chat. No one has struck up a friendship of any type despite my overture, and trust me… I ain’t shy.

And yet, I am successful in my ministry. Because it’s about the Lord, not me.

Well stated.

 

[Ontheway]

Oh and I do all those things because Christ tells me to, corporal and spiritual works of mercy. I am there doing for others, not myself.

You might get the idea that I am “in the clique”. But no,

I have ZERO friends in this place I call home, not one person in 10 years has invited me to dinner at their home, to an event, to ANYTHING. No one calls to chat. No one has struck up a friendship of any type despite my overture, and trust me… I ain’t shy.

And yet, I am successful in my ministry. Because it’s about the Lord, not me.

This is a great, inspiring post. Thank you.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Look, I put my energy where I feel called-- pro life, catchesis. Youth ministry is not my thing. It clearly is not a priority to their own parents.

Yes, youth ministry is depressing. People might as well show up wearing their “I really wish I weren’t here right now” buttons. But I do feel we are talking about two separate things. One is getting involved in the church and then the separate issue is actually making friends. I go to the KofC events and then just sit in silence. The biggest thing for me is there aren’t any men my age involved, it’s usually men who are 20 years my senior and I don’t really have anything in common with them. I don’t struggle making friends outside of church.

 

[pianistclare]

I have great admiration for all those people in the parish who do the thankless jobs to keep the parish going. I really do and I want to THANK YOU so much for your commitment.

This discussion was not intended as criticism of you or the church. Those of you who do all the heavy lifting can not do it all.

Thank you.
When my first husband committed suicide people from 3 parishes and a Catholic school came forward to support me and my 2 daughters. My closest relative was 2000 miles away, yet these people became my family. Why? Because they see me at everything.
When I married Joe and he first moved here from Ireland, he used to say we couldn’t walk 30 feet in 4 counties without someone running up to “Miss Clare” and hugging me or my kneecaps (little kids).

Truly. If one gets involved one will find yourself with many friends.
That’s how it works whether inside or outside the church.
Shy kids make friends on a soccer team.
Introverted teens make friends in the chess club.
Awkward young people get to know others from study groups at college.
Everyone has to put work into it. It doesn’t come with you at birth.

 

[pianistclare]

Yes, youth ministry is depressing. People might as well show up wearing their “I really wish I weren’t here right now” buttons. But I do feel we are talking about two separate things. One is getting involved in the church and then the separate issue is actually making friends. I go to the KofC events and then just sit in silence. The biggest thing for me is there aren’t any men my age involved, it’s usually men who are 20 years my senior and I don’t really have anything in common with them. I don’t struggle making friends outside of church.

But don’t they do outreach? Our K of C cleans up trailer parks and holds basketball free throw championships. The guys meet all kinds of people. At pancake breakfasts they literally meet and interact with every single parishioner almost, LOL

 

[GEddie]

Loneliness is a part of life, and we should not expect the Church to offer a refuge from it. It isn’t about us, but about God.

If we want to find in the Church an alternative to loneliness, then it behooveth us to find a way to serve therein.

Just IMNAAHO.

ICXC NIKA

 

[WJeffrey]

I am a Catholic whose parents removed me from the Church in the third grade. I returned for the first time in 35 years in July after having a profound spiritual experience. Living in a new place and no longer having my social butterfly deceased wife, my social calendar at the time was hovering around zero percent.

After encountering a few unfriendly standoffish people, I made the decision to force my way into the social situation, like a bull in a china shop. I attended every event at 2 churches and volunteered every time an opportunity was publicized. In 6 months, I have met a few people that seem to enjoy having me around. Of course there are still about a 1000 people left to meet. I still don’t really know anyone, (at least anyone within 25 years of my age)

I don’t think this is the experience found in Protestant Churches. Protestant Churches invite you to become a part of their community. Catholic Churches seem to think that you should feel honored enter their doorway and just be glad that you were allowed in said doorway. Being part of the clique is reserved for people who went to the same Catholic School 40 years ago. And like being in a museum, you are allowed to look but not touch.

I am going to fit in, because I have been inspired to make a profound change in my life. 95% of people would have taken the hint that they really weren’t welcome, and moved along.

On a positive note, one of my volunteering activities is going around to nursing homes and shut ins to distribute communion. Since I am not confirmed, I can’t do it myself. The original poster wondered what was being done for outreach to these people and this is one thing going on that people might not know about. It is a wonderful thing. It makes my week.

Of course since I am baptized, had first communion, and confession, I was told RCIA isn’t for me. There doesn’t seem to be a program for me to get confirmed. Like everything else it seems that the Catholic Church operates on a need to know basis. I’ve done research and talked to some people and I can’t get an answer for what I need to do to get confirmed. I don’t think I am going to give up on going to the nursing homes as an unnecessary tagalong. I don’t mind because I enjoy seeing people light up because a friendly face is taking the time to tell them that they are still important. But most people would quit going since the Extraordinary Eucharistic Ministers look at you and wonder why you are still coming along since your presence is completely unnecessary. They do this wondering out loud too. This is especially the case after making the effort to find out how to get to be confirmed. The Catholic Church makes nothing easy.

I think with some Protestant Denominations all you need to do is say the word and they put you in the baptismal dunk tank. Oh no. I think I sound like the people I am complaining about.

I don’t know if I answered the question, but I feel better now that I vented.

 

[Ontheway]

W Jeffey,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Every voice in this discussion is important as it will help all of us in understanding the issues. It is becoming apparent that things look different from the outside than from within the church community. You are also confirming the idea that the Protestants do things differently and seem to be more welcoming than our church.

I have a vague recollection from confirmation (eons ago) about the definition of the Catholic Church. It was something like this: The Catholic Church is a community of Christians…

I wonder if it is becoming too much of an institution, thus losing some of the sense of community. Just wondering.

 

[Sugabee43]

I became Catholic - wasn’t raised it. I live in a greater metropolitan area, and the churches here are HUMONGOUS. However, the parish where we attend (which isn’t in our “attendance zone”, by the way) is very friendly! It’s one of the largest in the diocese, if not the state, but it doesn’t feel that way. And frankly, most other parishes I’ve attended Mass at around the area also make one feel welcome; people say hello and smile. Are they bouncing around and “HEY!! HOW ARE YOU? WHAT’S YOUR NAME?”? No, not really. But they are friendly. I realize I’m living in one of the friendliest states in the Union, so maybe it’s that.

I first made friends at our parish by becoming involved in the pro-life ministry here. The ladies I met there were great, and one of them is one of my closest friends, after 23 years!

I think it’s a matter of finding your ‘niche’, and jumping in with both feet. As the years go by, your ministries change. I’m not involved with the pro-life community as much but I’ve moved on to liturgical ministries - and that’s okay. God will prompt you to be where He needs you the most, and where your gifts will honor Him the best.

Get involved NOT because you want to make friends, but because God needs you in that particular area!! The friends will come (and go, in my experience).

 

[pianistclare]

W Jeffey,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Every voice in this discussion is important as it will help all of us in understanding the issues. It is becoming apparent that things look different from the outside than from within the church community. You are also confirming the idea that the Protestants do things differently and seem to be more welcoming than our church.

I have a vague recollection from confirmation (eons ago) about the definition of the Catholic Church. It was something like this: The Catholic Church is a community of Christians…

I wonder if it is becoming too much of an institution, thus losing some of the sense of community. Just wondering.

Careful though. The Church is not meant to be a social club.
True we are of one mind, one faith, etc…
But if we are going for reasons other than putting Christ first in our lives, then we’re never ever be satisfied.