Loneliness and the church

[Bill_Martin]

I don’t think parish social events are a particularly good way of tackling loneliness and making people feel welcome. They’re great for people who already know each other, but tend to be intimidating or frustrating for someone who doesn’t know anyone else and has to walk into a room full of small groups of friends. Plus there are scheduling issues, responsibilities to children, etc. that prevent people from going.

The best way IMHO is just to smile and/or talk to other people after Mass. At the churches I attend, you would think it’s against our religion to speak with another person outside your own family. It’s ridiculous. I read a study where just eye contact and a smile was shown to make strangers on the street feel better about themselves and feel more connected (if I can find it, I’ll post a link). That’s a dead simple and easy place to start at our own parishes.

 

[HelenRose]

This seems to be a typical Catholic response. I’m not suggesting that it’s “wrong” or that it’s a problem. What I am suggesting is that if one is looking for a sense of family or community where everyone looks after everyone else, one is much more likely to find it in a protestant church.

As a former Protestant, I have to agree with you. I was greatly taken aback with the less than enthusiastic response to my becoming a Catholic. But, over time, getting involved with the various ministries available I have made a little niche for myself.

There is a difference and I have not been able to figure out just why and what it is. I found the truth in the Church but it still has been a bit rocky.

 

[Bill_Martin]

As a former Protestant, I have to agree with you. I was greatly taken aback with the less than enthusiastic response to my becoming a Catholic. But, over time, getting involved with the various ministries available I have made a little niche for myself.

There is a difference and I have not been able to figure out just why and what it is. I found the truth in the Church but it still has been a bit rocky.

With regards to loneliness and feeling detached, I think the difference is that Catholics have to go to Mass; Protestants (broad term I know) generally have no such requirement. Therefore, the people you meet at a Protestant service are more likely to want to be there, and will be more enthusiastic.

Mass is often attended by a lot of people who go only to avoid feeling guilty, to make their parents happy, etc. It can become just another chore to do on Sunday if approached as one. This is probably why a lot of Protestants report similar culture shock.

 

[Ontheway]

My impression was that the vast majority of Catholics do not attend mass and the ones who do actually want to be there.

 

[pensmama87]

My impression was that the vast majority of Catholics do not attend mass and the ones who do actually want to be there.

They might not attend all the time, but there are lots who show up sometimes.

I wonder about the average sizes of congregations, too. Around here, even small parishes have more people present than the typical Protestant church, and while there might be an occasional surge at a megachurch they open and close fast, or dwindle down to 20 people.

ETA: I guess I am a tad suspicious of the “more friendly” claim. I can admit that. My MIL is a lapsed Catholic and has been attending various evangelical congregations since then. Her number one complaint is that Catholics aren’t friendly enough; however, she starts at a congregation and is thrilled at how welcoming they are and she signs up for several different ministries at once and is super super involved and does stuff with the other folks outside of church too. She’s a very nice lady and being social comes naturally to her. But inevitably after a few years she feels like she’s not important anymore, so she then chases the “high” at the next church everybody is talking about. OK, so everybody is
“welcoming” there, too, but it’s just going to be the same cycle again. Get the people in the door, pass the plate around, do some feel-good stuff, the pastor burns out, somebody else thinks they’ve got it all figured out and starts up a new place down the road, and repeat.

She never did anything in a Catholic parish - she was a sit in the pew type. Before she quit going to Mass my husband and I would go with her (this was when we were just dating), and the parishes were active, vibrant, and doing things. People smiled at us when we came in, said hello. There were invitations to activities. Things posted in the bulletin. We just weren’t love bombed. When we went to the services at these other places, we were not left alone. We were badgered. Even my very extroverted husband couldn’t stand it.

To me, it feels like people are chasing the “new relationship” feeling, but with churches.

I don’t mean to offend, but I really don’t understand what it is people are after if it’s not that.

 

[Bonnie]

To me, it feels like people are chasing the “new relationship” feeling, but with churches.

I don’t mean to offend, but I really don’t understand what it is people are after if it’s not that.

The new car smell.

 

[Jon_Mallory]

Loneliness and isolation is a problem for many people. The Catholic Harold in the UK calls it a “plague”. catholicherald.co.uk/issues/december-25th-2015/help-tackle-the-plague-of-loneliness/

Many people here post their concerns about being lonely, even when they attend church.

Is the church doing enough to address these problems?
I see the small protestant churches creating a sense of community where everyone is included. They meet and socialize. When something goes wrong, they gather and help each other.
Catholics seem to be ignoring these problems, or am I hopelessly wrong?
I know we have Catholic Charities that help the victims of floods and tornados. What about your shut-in neighbor?
What is the church’s responsibility here?

From my experience, mass is pretty much in and out in my parish. One time, I waited for twenty minutes after mass to observe who socialized. Those who play the instruments such as the flute and piano during Mass have their own clique and they socialize the longest probably because they are the last out. A few people, mostly middle-aged and older folk socialize for about 10 minutes, then leave. The teenagers and kids in tow usually look like they can’t wait to get home. During the summer, my parish offered a young adults group, which I took full advantage of but that ended in late August. Now, the extent of my contact with the Parish is through RCIA. Otherwise, the social climate is pretty barren but in a way, that’s how I like it. I go to mass to worship and reorient myself toward Christ, not to join a club.

If I met someone who expressed loneliness (which is highly unlikely because that’s as much as admitting insecurity and weakness), I would not recommend going to mass to meet those needs. Also, My parish makes people pay to participate in coffee hour. It’s not much (1-2$), but it definitely doesn’t scream hospitality.

 

[WillyAL]

From my experience, mass is pretty much in and out in my parish…

…I go to mass to worship and reorient myself toward Christ, not to join a club.

Again, and I’m not being judgmental here, this seems to be the typical Catholic view. You go to church to participate in the sacraments. That is what the Church provides. If you have social needs, you better be looking elsewhere to get them fulfilled. Many protestant churches, on the other hand, seem to view their role differently. Many of them regard taking care of the practical and social needs of their vulnerable members as part of their primary mission. I could name four people from my parish who suffered either the lose of a spouse or a major illness during the last two or three years who no longer go to Mass. Rather, they attend protestant churches their friends invited them to because they got the social support during their time of need that was not available in the Catholic church. I guess it’s just protestant culture vs. Catholic culture.

My parish makes people pay to participate in coffee hour. It’s not much (1-2$), but it definitely doesn’t scream hospitality.

We have coffee and doughnuts after Mass every Sunday. We don’t charge a set price but there is a basket for donations. When a visitor/stranger shows up I usually check to make sure they are not left by themselves. Not being Catholic myself, I find it kind of awkward to be the one who welcomes them, but if nobody else takes the initiative I won’t leave them sitting alone.

 

[WillyAL]

The new car smell.

You gotta love it. It’s a smell like no other.

 

[Jon_Mallory]

Again, and I’m not being judgmental here, this seems to be the typical Catholic view. You go to church to participate in the sacraments. That is what the Church provides. If you have social needs, you better be looking elsewhere to get them fulfilled. Many protestant churches, on the other hand, seem to view their role differently. Many of them regard taking care of the practical and social needs of their vulnerable members as part of their primary mission. I could name four people from my parish who suffered either the lose of a spouse or a major illness during the last two or three years who no longer go to Mass. Rather, they attend protestant churches their friends invited them to because they got the social support during their time of need that was not available in the Catholic church. I guess it’s just protestant culture vs. Catholic culture.

We have coffee and doughnuts after Mass every Sunday. We don’t charge a set price but there is a basket for donations. When a visitor/stranger shows up I usually check to make sure they are not left by themselves. Not being Catholic myself, I find it kind of awkward to be the one who welcomes them, but if nobody else takes the initiative I won’t leave them sitting alone.

The Orthodox also do hospitality very well. I’ve attended a total of three parishes and during their fellowship hour, all of them had home cooked meals their parishioners brought along with the typical store bought donuts and coffee. They were small to medium-small parishes and were very homelike. If I did not have some serious theological issues with the Orthodox, I probably would have become Orthodox.

Regarding greeters in Catholic Churches, they are little more than “Hi, welcome to St____” men. They don’t really make me feel welcome because they have learned what to say by rote and don’t really want to have a conversation with you (well, no one wants to have a conversation with you really). That was at a different parish. At my Parish, the priest does the same thing after mass. He stands outside the door to shake hands and say hi (sometimes without even looking you). Going through the motions. I think it really has to do with size though. All the Catholic Churches I’ve been to are big. I don’t know if there is any such thing as a small Catholic parish (probably some in the Bible belt I’d wager).

 

[Ontheway]

We have coffee and doughnuts after Mass every Sunday. We don’t charge a set price but there is a basket for donations. When a visitor/stranger shows up I usually check to make sure they are not left by themselves. Not being Catholic myself, I find it kind of awkward to be the one who welcomes them, but if nobody else takes the initiative I won’t leave them sitting alone.

“I won’t leave them sitting alone” - this sound like something a good host would do while entertaining at home. The Protestants seem to get this idea. Is it because they have some sense of ownership. It is, after all, their church. They seem to care about the people who come in.

Maybe we as Catholics do not have this feeling of ownership? The church belongs to the church, and we just visit. Is this a reasonable distinction to be made about the differences between our churches?

 

[Bonnie]

Maybe we as Catholics do not have this feeling of ownership? The church belongs to the church, and we just visit. Is this a reasonable distinction to be made about the differences between our churches?

That makes sense. For a long time the parish church belonged to the priest and to the diocese. The people had no say in how it was run. Things are a little better now, but there doesn’t seem to be a sense of ownership.

My own preference is to come in, worship, and leave. And I was able to do that at Protestant churches as well. Maybe I emit a “don’t touch me” vibe? I don’t know, but I do seem invisible at times. Which usually suits me.

 

[AClaire11]

“I won’t leave them sitting alone” - this sound like something a good host would do while entertaining at home. The Protestants seem to get this idea. Is it because they have some sense of ownership. It is, after all, their church. They seem to care about the people who come in.

Maybe we as Catholics do not have this feeling of ownership? The church belongs to the church, and we just visit. Is this a reasonable distinction to be made about the differences between our churches?

That’s an interesting way of putting it. I work at a protestant parish school and have visited the church to listen to the student choir perform and to attend meetings about the school, and it is very different. I’ve attended Catholic parishes for years without anyone saying hi or the priest even knowing my name, and the decision-making is in the hands of a select few (or at least that’s the way it seems?).

At the Lutheran church, they decide things democratically at voters’ assemblies, so every confirmed adult member has a say in how things are run. So maybe that does affect their view of “ownership.” The first time I visited, I was invited out to lunch after coffee hour by a group of young adults, and some of them are good friends of mine now. People have introduced themselves to me every time I’ve attended services there and have remembered me the next time. I don’t see it as “love-bombing,” just normal friendliness and socializing. And this is in a city that is considered fairly unfriendly! I do think that some churches do engage in love-bombing (at one church I was given a Starbucks gift card…), but I don’t think it’s accurate or fair to say all protestant friendliness falls under that.

The one exception to the rule for my experience of Catholic parishes was in Washington state, where a few people introduced themselves, someone once offered me a ride home, and the priest actually noticed I was new and asked my name! Sadly, we moved after I’d been there for only 3 months. Coming from a mainline protestant childhood at a church (UMC) where everyone knew each other and there was a real sense of friendliness and community, the transition to Catholic culture has been very difficult and isolating.

I’d also like to second the previous poster’s experience of the Orthodox. They’re generally very hospitable.

 

[Sugabee43]

As a former Protestant whose father was an Episcopal priest, I’ve experienced many different denominations’ services and different styles of worship. There have been parishes, both Protestant and Catholic, that have been very cold and unwelcoming; and there have been ones that are open and friendly - and some downright annoyingly friendly. I think it depends upon the ‘flavor’ of the parishioners and what the priest/pastor encourages.

Just like all of the different cities I’ve lived in, you can find advantages and disadvantages to every denomination and parish. The idea that Catholic parishes in particular are unwelcoming is, IMHO, an urban legend.

 

[pensmama87]

As a former Protestant whose father was an Episcopal priest, I’ve experienced many different denominations’ services and different styles of worship. There have been parishes, both Protestant and Catholic, that have been very cold and unwelcoming; and there have been ones that are open and friendly - and some downright annoyingly friendly. I think it depends upon the ‘flavor’ of the parishioners and what the priest/pastor encourages.

Just like all of the different cities I’ve lived in, you can find advantages and disadvantages to every denomination and parish. The idea that Catholic parishes in particular are unwelcoming is, IMHO, an urban legend.

Yes.

 

[HelenRose]

With regards to loneliness and feeling detached, I think the difference is that Catholics have to go to Mass; Protestants (broad term I know) generally have no such requirement. Therefore, the people you meet at a Protestant service are more likely to want to be there, and will be more enthusiastic.

Mass is often attended by a lot of people who go only to avoid feeling guilty, to make their parents happy, etc. It can become just another chore to do on Sunday if approached as one. This is probably why a lot of Protestants report similar culture shock.

I don’t really think that this is an accurate statement. There are plenty of Protestant families who have the same kind of dynamics. After a certain age, if a Catholic doesn’t want to be in Church, they are not there. Our mission Church Mass is at 8:00 a.m. Trust me. No one is there if they didn’t want to be. Our consciences are not that finely tuned.

We are pretty friendly though. Coffee and donuts are really appreciated that early in the morning.

 

[Bataar]

I wonder if there’s a difference between the more “liberal / modern” and “conservative / traditional” churches. Most of the churches I attend are the “liberal/modern” styles where the only real reason to go is to receive the Eucharist. You don’t hear anything worth hearing in the homily, the music is terrible, there’s people talking all around you before and after the Mass making it impossible to pray, people walking very late, oftentimes a good number of people are just arriving at the Gospel reading. I hate to say it, but sometimes Mass seems like an occasion of sin as I’m always so irritated at the way it’s done. After Mass, I don’t want to stick around for anything and sometimes I leave after communion because I can say my Thanksgiving prayers better out in my car than I can in the church.

At a more traditional church, I imagine I’d be in a better position mentally to want to meet other people there.

 

[AClaire11]

I wonder if there’s a difference between the more “liberal / modern” and “conservative / traditional” churches. Most of the churches I attend are the “liberal/modern” styles where the only real reason to go is to receive the Eucharist. You don’t hear anything worth hearing in the homily, the music is terrible, there’s people talking all around you before and after the Mass making it impossible to pray, people walking very late, oftentimes a good number of people are just arriving at the Gospel reading. I hate to say it, but sometimes Mass seems like an occasion of sin as I’m always so irritated at the way it’s done. After Mass, I don’t want to stick around for anything and sometimes I leave after communion because I can say my Thanksgiving prayers better out in my car than I can in the church.

At a more traditional church, I imagine I’d be in a better position mentally to want to meet other people there.

In my experience, the liberalness of the church hasn’t made a difference. I’ve been to parishes across the spectrum since my conversion and aside from the one I mentioned earlier in the thread, which seemed pretty average, they’ve all been similar in terms of socializing.

 

[Sugabee43]

I wonder if there’s a difference between the more “liberal / modern” and “conservative / traditional” churches. Most of the churches I attend are the “liberal/modern” styles where the only real reason to go is to receive the Eucharist. You don’t hear anything worth hearing in the homily, the music is terrible, there’s people talking all around you before and after the Mass making it impossible to pray, people walking very late, oftentimes a good number of people are just arriving at the Gospel reading. I hate to say it, but sometimes Mass seems like an occasion of sin as I’m always so irritated at the way it’s done. After Mass, I don’t want to stick around for anything and sometimes I leave after communion because I can say my Thanksgiving prayers better out in my car than I can in the church.

At a more traditional church, I imagine I’d be in a better position mentally to want to meet other people there.

If going to Mass at that parish is bad, is there another, more orthodox (not the faith-the style!) in your area you can attend? It would be far better to have to travel a bit further so that you are spiritually fed than to resort to leaving Mass early without receiving the final blessing or offering thanksgiving to the Lord. Or, perhaps God is calling you to stay where you are, stay through the entire Mass, and offer those irritations to Him for the sake of others. Something to contemplate.

 

[Ontheway]

I wonder if there’s a difference between the more “liberal / modern” and “conservative / traditional” churches. Most of the churches I attend are the “liberal/modern” styles where the only real reason to go is to receive the Eucharist. You don’t hear anything worth hearing in the homily, the music is terrible, there’s people talking all around you before and after the Mass making it impossible to pray, people walking very late, oftentimes a good number of people are just arriving at the Gospel reading. I hate to say it, but sometimes Mass seems like an occasion of sin as I’m always so irritated at the way it’s done. After Mass, I don’t want to stick around for anything and sometimes I leave after communion because I can say my Thanksgiving prayers better out in my car than I can in the church.

At a more traditional church, I imagine I’d be in a better position mentally to want to meet other people there.

I sometimes go to the Spanish mass just to avoid some of the things you describe above, Even though my Spanish is minimal, I do get a bilingual missalette so I can follow along and the Mass is the same. The atmosphere is different. There is a sense of piety and decorum that I miss in our church. The people are poor, but dress up for the mass as best as they can. The kids are well behaved and participate in the choir, and bring offering to the altar. The singing is simple but beautiful. The people go out of their way to shake hands with everyone around them. All of this more than makes up for the sermon, which I can barely understand. But the ones in my English language parish are usually not too inspiring anyway.