Lonliness for those not called to marriage

[DarkLight]

As far as community…yes, in part I do want people do to stuff with. But I don’t like activities that are doing stuff as a group just to do stuff as a group. Youth group type stuff always felt somewhat lonely to me, like it was so busy running around doing things you could never sit down and talk.

Talking to people is a big thing for me. I like just simple conversation. I even like spending time doing things with 2 or 3 people I know well, much more than I like large group activities which are often overwhelming. I’m always thinking through different things and I don’t like feeling like I have a new idea but I have to keep it all to myself.

I also do want stable relationships. An old friend that you’ve known for a few years is much more valuable than a bunch of new friends who will fall out of touch in six months. That kind of stability seems to be bucking the trend for young adults, especially since moving around is just expected if you want to work anything higher than minimum wage.

I think the crux of the problem is that outside family life, a lot of social institutions in the US have shriveled up. You can see this in Robert Putnam’s book “Bowling Alone” where he describes the decline of neighborly socializing, many churches, fraternal organizations, group membership in general, and so forth during the second half of the 20th century. There was a post-war generation that was super group-oriented, but it’s been all downhill from there. If one doesn’t have a family of one’s own, this trend is very hard to cope with. That has essentially nothing to do with making an idol of marriage and family life–it’s simply that the family (such as it is) is the last institution standing, and if people don’t have that, it’s a very cold world indeed.

It doesn’t help that among young adults, the trend is for stuff outside marriage to devolve into the modern “single’s group.” Young adults are expected to be putting their social energy into focusing on finding a partner. The cure for loneliness is “well why can’t you just get a boyfriend?” I could. I’ve had offers. But I know that’s not what I want, and I know it would be foolish to press myself into that sort of relationship when I could not orient myself to seek a marriage.

Real, strong, enduring friendship. We see such a thing in history, and even in the history of the saints. But it seems often modern life sees friendship as a shallow little thing, something mostly for kids, something you’re supposed to give up on once you grow up and get married - or at least not hold very highly.

 

[Xantippe]

DarkLight,

I totally know what you mean about youth groups. My husband and I met initially at a graduate/young professional reading group at a Newman Center (they were finishing up the Catechism when I went the first time–they’d been reading through the whole thing). It was a great group (some of the “young professionals” were 40-something, at least). Well, I didn’t realize at the time how unusual that group was. Years later, we were in a suburban parish and went to the youth group (we being still childless 20-somethings at the time). Awkward! There was a dinner where we didn’t have anybody to talk to (I believe the actual conversation was about Pampered Chef) and there was a pumpkin carving party. We didn’t go back after that. I think the other people there were having a good time, but it wasn’t our cup of tea.

I think I would look for interesting talks at your local Newman Center or theology on tap or whatever and then hang around for conversation afterward. If you wind up in a city with a Catholic Information Center, those tend to have a similar vibe. I used to go to the women’s evenings of recollection at the DC CIC and was very impressed with the caliber of the women attending–there were lots of very bright, very serious professional women.

You also might want to keep your eyes open for internet-organized “meet ups” in your area.

“But it seems often modern life sees friendship as a shallow little thing”

Have you read C.S. Lewis’s “The Four Loves”? Even then (that was the 1960s, I think), C.S. Lewis treated real friendship (as opposed to mere companionship) as being something uncommon and not to be counted on.

I think in practice you are correct about modern life, but in theory, friendship is a big deal (i.e. “BFFs”). The social science says that in the recent past, the average person had three close friends, but Americans today have only two. I suspect the effect of social media is to encourage companionship (as opposed to actual friendship)–the group phenomenon you are correctly noting.

The good news is that from my observations, deep intellectual friendship of the kind you value is actually very common in your field.

 

[bsf]

DarkLight,

I struggled for a very, very long time trying to understand friendship. God allowed me to “experience” enough life before he concretized the concept for me when I encountered the following in the simple My Daily Bread book by Anthony J. Paone, S.J. From page 180.

All true friendship must be based on virtue and loyalty to Christ. Unless I am helping my friends in some way to live a better life, I am not a true friend. So, too, people who are not helping me become a better person, are not real friends of mine, but useless acquaintances. Anyone who brings me closer to sin by his words or ways, is an enemy in spite of any good intentions which he may profess.

I feel a person would be fortunate to have even one or two human friends such as this, especially if you exclude family and clergy. I think even family relationships often, if not mostly, fall short of this. Is this what you seek?

You mentioned talking is a “big thing” for you and you “like just simple conversation”. If you are ok with intergenerational relationships and are willing to lower your expectations a bit, you may consider visiting with residents of an assisted living facility (nursing home). There are so many residents of these facilities who are so incredibly grateful to have a visitor just to talk with. The conversational capability definitely varies widely by individual. This may not be exactly what you desire. However, when you are focused on helping someone else, your own loneliness tends to fade for a while.

I wish I could help you more. Your disappointment and longing is palpable. However, being what most people consider a “loner”, I simply do not have the experience to be of more assistance. However, I can pray for you, and that I will do.