Looking for some personal advice

[Bataar]

Due to my autism and lack of social knowledge, social situations and relationships are difficult for me. This isn’t necessarily a Catholic issue, but personal and I’d appreciate any thoughts advice. For most people, this probably wouldn’t be a big deal, but it feels like a whole new world to me.

I’ve had this female coworker for about a year. The few times we worked together she seemed nice and all that, but for various reasons, I never thought much about it. One day, I heard her talking about going to Mariners (our local baseball team) games and thought, “why not?”

I asked her if she’d want to go to a game after work and much to my surprise, she said yes. We met before the game and got a bite to eat and walked to the stadium and had a great time at the game. She told me a lot about her family, friends, personal life, etc. After the game, I walked her back to her car and she gave me a ride to mine and that was that.

The next day, I looked her up on Facebook show her picture to someone. A little while later, much to my surprise, I received a notification that she excepted my friend request. That was surprising because I didn’t intend to send her a request, My thumb must have hit that link/button by accident. I was now able to see her full profile including the fact that she has a boyfriend and had pictures with him as recently as last month. This came as quite a shock as I’ve never heard her mention a boyfriend even in passing at work (other women do all the time) and she told me about her family and friends and did not ever mention a boyfriend.

Again, most people outside of my situation would probably have a good idea on how to proceed (or not to). I’ve never dated anyone so my experience is less than most middle schoolers so if anyone has any thoughts, I’d be glad to hear them.

 

[Xantippe]

Due to my autism and lack of social knowledge, social situations and relationships are difficult for me. This isn’t necessarily a Catholic issue, but personal and I’d appreciate any thoughts advice. For most people, this probably wouldn’t be a big deal, but it feels like a whole new world to me.

I’ve had this female coworker for about a year. The few times we worked together she seemed nice and all that, but for various reasons, I never thought much about it. One day, I heard her talking about going to Mariners (our local baseball team) games and thought, “why not?”

I asked her if she’d want to go to a game after work and much to my surprise, she said yes. We met before the game and got a bite to eat and walked to the stadium and had a great time at the game. She told me a lot about her family, friends, personal life, etc. After the game, I walked her back to her car and she gave me a ride to mine and that was that.

The next day, I looked her up on Facebook show her picture to someone. A little while later, much to my surprise, I received a notification that she excepted my friend request. That was surprising because I didn’t intend to send her a request, My thumb must have hit that link/button by accident. I was now able to see her full profile including the fact that she has a boyfriend and had pictures with him as recently as last month. This came as quite a shock as I’ve never heard her mention a boyfriend even in passing at work (other women do all the time) and she told me about her family and friends and did not ever mention a boyfriend.

Again, most people outside of my situation would probably have a good idea on how to proceed (or not to). I’ve never dated anyone so my experience is less than most middle schoolers so if anyone has any thoughts, I’d be glad to hear them.

I think not proceed is the best idea.

Just treat her in a friendly and professional way.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

How to proceed with what, exactly? You went to a baseball game with a coworker. She may have thought of this as just a baseball game with a friend. Did you think of it as a date with romantic implications? If so, you should certainly ask her if she has a boyfriend.

 

[Trident_H]

Due to my autism and lack of social knowledge, social situations and relationships are difficult for me. This isn’t necessarily a Catholic issue, but personal and I’d appreciate any thoughts advice. For most people, this probably wouldn’t be a big deal, but it feels like a whole new world to me.

I’ve had this female coworker for about a year. The few times we worked together she seemed nice and all that, but for various reasons, I never thought much about it. One day, I heard her talking about going to Mariners (our local baseball team) games and thought, “why not?”

I asked her if she’d want to go to a game after work and much to my surprise, she said yes. We met before the game and got a bite to eat and walked to the stadium and had a great time at the game. She told me a lot about her family, friends, personal life, etc. After the game, I walked her back to her car and she gave me a ride to mine and that was that.

The next day, I looked her up on Facebook show her picture to someone. A little while later, much to my surprise, I received a notification that she excepted my friend request. That was surprising because I didn’t intend to send her a request, My thumb must have hit that link/button by accident. I was now able to see her full profile including the fact that she has a boyfriend and had pictures with him as recently as last month. This came as quite a shock as I’ve never heard her mention a boyfriend even in passing at work (other women do all the time) and she told me about her family and friends and did not ever mention a boyfriend.

Again, most people outside of my situation would probably have a good idea on how to proceed (or not to). I’ve never dated anyone so my experience is less than most middle schoolers so if anyone has any thoughts, I’d be glad to hear them.

Well now you know she has a boyfriend. And now you have a way to find out exactly how serious they are.

I think you shouldn’t change anything. Just be as friendly as ever and invite her to another game if the chance happens by. But don’t start trying to make things complicated. If she likes you more than him she’ll make that choice. Nothing much for you to do until then but coast.

And of course just be you.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[Anglewannabe]

uumm… I don’t think this is necessarily your lack of social skills but hers.

I can’t help but think that any woman who posts on facebook that she has a boyfriend, never mentions him to another guy and goes to a baseball game with the other guy, is lacking a certain respect for humanity. How would the boyfriend feel if he found out she never mentioned him to a guy she went to a baseball game with

Sounds like she is playing both of you

Angie

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Just stay cool and friendly and let it ride. Maybe she just needs a good friend. Most girls will let a guy know how to proceed, but just wait and see what happens. Peace.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

My 2 cents are that I personally don’t see anything wrong with having opposite sex friends or having colleagues on Facebook. If you get on and enjoy each others company then spend time together. I don’t know why she hasn’t mentioned her boyfriend or what her reasons might be but again I don’t see it as a reason for her to not hang out with an member of the opposite sex.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I agree that this isn’t a problem with you, it’s a problem with her.

The only reason I can think of that she would never mention being in a relationship and go so far as to accept what could be an ambiguous date from another man without even dropping it casually is that she wants to keep her options open. She knows that if people know she has a boyfriend, they won’t ask her out to things like baseball games. I’m not impressed with this woman’s integrity.

5 minutes after getting a new male coworker I’ll casually mentioned that my husband and I love whatever restaurant or activity is being discussed. Men do this with me too. It’s a normal, adult safeguard and subtle way of communicating pretty important information.

Totally unrelated piece of advice: think long and hard before pursuing coworkers romantically.

 

[pianistclare]

Ditto. Most of us need our jobs. Things can get awkward quickly.
Be friends, but if she wants to go to another game, say " I understand you have a steady boyfriend. Are you sure he won’t mind? It would both me, if I were his shoes, unless you’ve already told him you made a new friend at work."

It’s nice that you like her, but it could be that she’s just a friendly person. I’ve worked places where the other people were horrible .Give thanks.

 

[PseuTonym]

Again, most people outside of my situation would probably have a good idea on how to proceed (or not to). I’ve never dated anyone so my experience is less than most middle schoolers so if anyone has any thoughts, I’d be glad to hear them.

Sign up at a dating website, copy the OP and paste it into your own profile. However, omit the part about wanting suggestions about what to do. Instead, explain that you decided that you want to neither break up a relationship between two other people nor get involved in the complications of romance with a co-worker, but you do want to begin dating a woman who would be compatible with you.

 

[PseuTonym]

Regarding an earlier thread:

What would you do in my situation?
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=687666

My Aspergers makes it very difficult to meet people and interact with them so I had pretty much given up on meeting anyone. However, I’ve met someone. We have more in common than I ever could have hoped for as far as interests and hobbies go. She hasn’t been diagnosed, but she believes she may have Aspergers as well. She has a genius level IQ and is on track to get a PhD. I generally don’t like talking to people just to talk to them, but with her, it’s no problem and I actually enjoy it.

The complication. She’s Buddhist. Not just the “typical” philosophical type Buddhist, but the type that actively goes to temple and actively participates.

Is she still a friend? How long has it been since you communicated with her?

One advantage of having friends is that you can meet their friends. That’s why Facebook wants you to have Facebook itself as your friend.

Here’s a short dialogue to consider:

Woman: “Are you a missionary or something?”
Man: “No, why do you ask?”
Woman: “Well, you seem to be trying to convert me to Catholicism.”
Man: “Oh! No, I was just hoping that I might eventually marry you.”

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I agree that this isn’t a problem with you, it’s a problem with her.

The only reason I can think of that she would never mention being in a relationship and go so far as to accept what could be an ambiguous date from another man without even dropping it casually is that she wants to keep her options open. She knows that if people know she has a boyfriend, they won’t ask her out to things like baseball games. I’m not impressed with this woman’s integrity.

Sadly, many women find themselves to be somehow incomplete without a boyfriend. Instead of being honest and breaking it off when the relationship has run its course, such a woman will string the old BF along until she finds a worthy candidate for the next BF, and then drop him.

I am sure some men act the same way as well.

5 minutes after getting a new male coworker I’ll casually mentioned that my husband and I love whatever restaurant or activity is being discussed. Men do this with me too. It’s a normal, adult safeguard and subtle way of communicating pretty important information.

:newidea:

You know, I have noticed married people doing that at work and thought it was odd, I’d think “what does it matter if you’re married or not, what does have to do with work” but that does make a lot of sense.

 

[Bataar]

Regarding an earlier thread:

What would you do in my situation?
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=687666

Is she still a friend? How long has it been since you communicated with her?

One advantage of having friends is that you can meet their friends. That’s why Facebook wants you to have Facebook itself as your friend.

Here’s a short dialogue to consider:

Woman: “Are you a missionary or something?”
Man: “No, why do you ask?”
Woman: “Well, you seem to be trying to convert me to Catholicism.”
Man: “Oh! No, I was just hoping that I might eventually marry you.”

No, I’m no longer friends with her. For reasons unknown to me, she completely broke off all contact a couple of months after I posted that. That was also really confusing.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Let it ride, don’t take it personally. Just be glad she showed her true colors thru her actions and you don’t have to be involved with her anymore. Keep up the professional courtesy in the office, but don’t offer any more outings. Because there is nothing in it for you, only downside because you are still both working in the same office.

While spouses often meet each other on the job, office dating is fraught with peril and one can get burned (raises hand here).

 

[Anglewannabe]

5 minutes after getting a new male coworker I’ll casually mentioned that my husband and I love whatever restaurant or activity is being discussed. Men do this with me too. It’s a normal, adult safeguard and subtle way of communicating pretty important information.
.

This reminds me of a time when some new neighbours moved in across the hall from me. I wasn’t sure if I had my keys and the man stay in the hall to make sure I could get into my appartment ok. Then he said ‘Perhaps sometime you would like to come over for coffee, my wife would love to meet you’. It showed his intentions were innocent.

 

[Allegra]

Weird. I would stay away from that one. Keep it professional at work.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My dad always said “you don’t get your meat where you make your bread”. However I met my wife at a supermarket we both worked at so I guess that advice was bad.

I’m going to swim against the tide and say pursue it.

 

[PseuTonym]

My dad always said “you don’t get your meat where you make your bread”. However I met my wife at a supermarket we both worked at so I guess that advice was bad.

I’m going to swim against the tide and say pursue it.

An alternative approach would be to become a member of a dating website that has virtual supermarkets where one can get a virtual job and meet other members of the dating website while on the virtual job.

That may sound impractical, because the virtual supermarket itself would seem to serve no purpose. However, products and prices could be customized differently for different members depending on the actual physical location of each member. That could be a service available to one of the competing supermarkets local to a given user to sell whatever it’s trying to move off the shelves via special, limited-time offers.

 

[Bataar]

An alternative approach would be to become a member of a dating website that has virtual supermarkets where one can get a virtual job and meet other members of the dating website while on the virtual job.

That may sound impractical, because the virtual supermarket itself would seem to serve no purpose. However, products and prices could be customized differently for different members depending on the actual physical location of each member. That could be a service available to one of the competing supermarkets local to a given user to sell whatever it’s trying to move off the shelves via special, limited-time offers.

Do you have any examples of a site like that? I’ve never heard of that concept. I’ve been a member of various dating sites for a while now with no success so I’d be up for trying a different option.

 

[PseuTonym]

Do you have any examples of a site like that? I’ve never heard of that concept. I’ve been a member of various dating sites for a while now with no success so I’d be up for trying a different option.

I don’t know of any examples. What would you consider to be some degree of success in using a dating website? Obviously if you were now married, then you could say that you have had success, but surely the website alone isn’t going to take you through all of the steps up to and including a wedding and official registration of a marriage.

Maybe you need help from women who will tell you what they are paying attention to and what they are ignoring, and what they see as positive, what they see as negative, and what they don’t want to investigate. There’s always a danger when describing oneself that the positives will simply be ignored as not coming from a reliable source, but the negatives will be looked at. Can you write about yourself like a novelist who writes fiction in the mystery category? There needs to be a reason for your ideal prospect to keep reading.