Looking for some personal advice

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PseuTonym said:
I don’t know of any examples. What would you consider to be some degree of success in using a dating website? Obviously if you were now married, then you could say that you have had success, but surely the website alone isn’t going to take you through all of the steps up to and including a wedding and official registration of a marriage.

Maybe you need help from women who will tell you what they are paying attention to and what they are ignoring, and what they see as positive, what they see as negative, and what they don’t want to investigate. There’s always a danger when describing oneself that the positives will simply be ignored as not coming from a reliable source, but the negatives will be looked at. Can you write about yourself like a novelist who writes fiction in the mystery category? There needs to be a reason for your ideal prospect to keep reading.
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When I say success, I mean just in terms of meeting people. I’ve been on Catholic Match for a year and a half now and I haven’t even received a response to a communication attempt I’ve sent to someone. I’ve tried eHarmony as well with the same results. For Catholic Match, I don’t really interact with it much anymore as the available pool in my area hasn’t expanded so there hasn’t been anyone new to try to interact with. Maybe the people I’m sending messages to aren’t paid subscribers so they can’t respond, I have no idea.
 
I guess in the end, it’s just super disappointing. I had forgotten what it was like to have someone like that to talk to and interact with so with it going as well as it did, I was hoping it might be able to progress somehow. The fact that she has a boyfriend definitely puts up red flags. Most people probably take for granted how nice it is just to have a person to talk to so now that it seems there isn’t an option for that here, it’s just really hard.
 
Bataar said:
When I say success, I mean just in terms of meeting people.
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If you are thinking in terms of arranging for a face-to-face meeting in the same physical location, then the barrier is too high, the anticipated reward is too low, and the outcome is zero positive results.

Consider aiming for a lower goal, so that there are some prospects. Compare dating to a Google Search with zero results. You would change your search terms to get some results, and then – if there are too many unwanted results – you would fine-tune your search terms.

Maybe you should aim for real-time, two-way, voice communication. There isn’t actually any need for shared interests. It’s good enough to have a list of agreed-upon options for the topic of conversation. What matters is what is interesting to both of you at the time of the conversation.

A lack of shared interests means that each participant in the conversation has something special to contribute to the conversation based on the participant’s unique education and experiences. After all, somebody who makes a comment about the weather isn’t usually a professional weather forecaster.
 
Anglewannabe said:
Sounds like she is playing both of you
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Are you suggesting that Bataar should check her Facebook page regularly to make sure that he (Bataar) isn’t listed as her boyfriend? After all, Bataar would know that it isn’t true, but other people wouldn’t know.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
My dad always said “you don’t get your meat where you make your bread”. However I met my wife at a supermarket we both worked at so I guess that advice was bad.

I’m going to swim against the tide and say pursue it.
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That’s a bit different. A supermarket job is easily replaced. If that’s the kind of job he’s working, sure, go for it. But if it’s a career position, the long-term risk to his reputation and ability to earn a living probably isn’t with it.
 
PseuTonym said:
What about her Facebook page that identifies a “pre-existing condition” (a boyfriend)?
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I’ve already made my thoughts on this particular woman known. My response to HD was directed at the idea of pursuing someone at work in general.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
That’s a bit different. A supermarket job is easily replaced. If that’s the kind of job he’s working, sure, go for it. But if it’s a career position, the long-term risk to his reputation and ability to earn a living probably isn’t with it.
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But they already went on a personal “date”. One that could have potentially gone bad if a jealous boyfriend came into play. The seal is broken.
 
PseuTonym said:
What about her Facebook page that identifies a “pre-existing condition” (a boyfriend)?
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" if you like it then you should have put a ring on it." These days who knows what

“boyfriend” means. It’s not a sacred bond and she isn’t a slave…
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
But they already went on a personal “date”. One that could have potentially gone bad if a jealous boyfriend came into play. The seal is broken.
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It’s not about a jealous boyfriend. If one ever ends up working in the other’s chain of command, accusations or suspicions of impropriety, favoritism, or even coercion can totally derail one or both of their careers. If you’re building a career within an industry and not just working at one of hundreds of thousands of supermarkets, those sorts of things can haunt you for a long time. Some employers (perhaps rightfully) view that as a liability and may even preemptively get rid of one of them.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
" if you like it then you should have put a ring on it." These days who knows what

“boyfriend” means. It’s not a sacred bond and she isn’t a slave…
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:eek: I would totally stay away from a guy who thought nothing of pursuing someone in a relationship. Wouldn’t you advise your daughters to do the same? At the very least, being in a socially recognized relationship means you’re trying to figure things out with that person. Someone who can’t respect that should be placed firmly in the creep and/or jerk bin.

Likewise, someone who is in a relationship but who never mentions it and goes out one on one with male co-workers on what could very well be dates is also someone to avoid. She may not technically be a liar, but I’d have a hard time calling her honest.

Just no. Look for people who conduct themselves with transparency and integrity, and strive to be that person yourself.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
:eek: I would totally stay away from a guy who thought nothing of pursuing someone in a relationship. Wouldn’t you advise your daughters to do the same? At the very least, being in a socially recognized relationship means you’re trying to figure things out with that person. Someone who can’t respect that should be placed firmly in the creep and/or jerk bin.

Likewise, someone who is in a relationship but who never mentions it and goes out one on one with male co-workers on what could very well be dates is also someone to avoid. She may not technically be a liar, but I’d have a hard time calling her honest.

Just no. Look for people who conduct themselves with transparency and integrity, and strive to be that person yourself.
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If my daughter had a boyfriend but thought nothing of going to a baseball game with another guy I’d say the boyfriend thing wasn’t serious. These days girls especially just seem to need to have a “boyfriend”.
I dated lots of girls who had boyfriends. If it’s serious she can say no, if she is a user and just wants free stuff like tickets to a game that will be evident soon enough. I think the op should ask her out…
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
If my daughter had a boyfriend but thought nothing of going to a baseball game with another guy I’d say the boyfriend thing wasn’t serious. These days girls especially just seem to need to have a “boyfriend”.
I dated lots of girls who had boyfriends. If it’s serious she can say no, if she is a user and just wants free stuff like tickets to a game that will be evident soon enough. I think the op should ask her out…
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If your daughter had a boyfriend and thought nothing of going out with someone else, wouldn’t you tell her that basic decency requires breaking up with him before going out with the other guy? Making her boyfriend look and feel foolish is an ugly thing to do. Wouldn’t you hope he would break up with her before going out with other girls? Or is it ok for him to tell her they’re exclusive, but make sure he had someone else lined up before dumping her?

I guess people who behave this way deserve each other. I just don’t respect the behavior and I would want way better out of and for people I care about.
 
Going to a game isn’t necessarily a date. They may both enjoy the sport. I have a friend who is a real keen traveller, her husband doesn’t even have a passport so she has done some trips sometimes with me and often with a male friend who is also a keen traveller. It works for them.

I do agree that dating someone at work is risky, especially when there is a break up. Being friendly with colleagues and doing things like seeing films or other evening activities is pretty normal in my experience but I’m not in a competitive industry, I imagine that could change the dynamic.
 
At this point dating someone from work is definitely worth the risk. I really don’t have another viable way to meet anyone so whatever works.
 
Bataar said:
At this point dating someone from work is definitely worth the risk. I really don’t have another viable way to meet anyone so whatever works.
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I think that’s fair enough, life is never risk free.
 
Bataar said:
I really don’t have another viable way to meet anyone
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There are more things unknown than things known, so there’s a fair chance that you have a viable way that you haven’t thought of yet. Your problem is potentially an opportunity to people who can help you solve it, if you can in exchange help others solve their problems. Your problem is suitable for a barter arrangement, because solving it will likely involve periodic assistance over weeks or months. Both sides can terminate the mutual assistance at any time. In contrast, if somebody had to work continuously for eight hours to assist you, then you might have too little confidence of success to pay in advance, and the person helping you might not trust you to pay later.

In ordinary commerce, it’s understood that the customer has to pay. Barter is more complicated. You have to match your skills to another person’s problem. Ironically, it’s another matchmaking problem, so we encounter a knot and money might be the only solution. However, it would have to be small amounts of money paid over a period of time in exchange for a specified process. Don’t pay a lump sum, because you likely won’t get anything other than sympathy about how difficult your problem is, and stories about how much work is being done.

Nobody is likely to have skills to help you and only you. Maybe it would be helpful to think of other people who have similar problems, thus distancing yourself from your unique situation. There are presumably matchmakers who can help both them and you.
 
PseuTonym said:
There are more things unknown than things known, so there’s a fair chance that you have a viable way that you haven’t thought of yet. Your problem is potentially an opportunity to people who can help you solve it, if you can in exchange help others solve their problems. Your problem is suitable for a barter arrangement, because solving it will likely involve periodic assistance over weeks or months. Both sides can terminate the mutual assistance at any time. In contrast, if somebody had to work continuously for eight hours to assist you, then you might have enough confidence that the person’s work would help you for you to pay in advance, and the person helping you might not trust you to pay later.
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Like “Strangers on a Train,” but with less murder?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
If your daughter had a boyfriend and thought nothing of going out with someone else, wouldn’t you tell her that basic decency requires breaking up with him before going out with the other guy? Making her boyfriend look and feel foolish is an ugly thing to do. Wouldn’t you hope he would break up with her before going out with other girls? Or is it ok for him to tell her they’re exclusive, but make sure he had someone else lined up before dumping her?

I guess people who behave this way deserve each other. I just don’t respect the behavior and I would want way better out of and for people I care about.
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👍
 
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