Losing a friend by telling him he shouldnt be giving his 12 year old son driving lessons

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RosslynV

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Simply advised my friend that giving his 12 year old driving lessons is pointless. First of all if a cop pulled them over with a 12 year old behind the wheel, they would be issued a citation. Secondly, I told him that the son was too short to drive and that he should wait til 15 to start official drivers training. My friend told me to not meddle in his business and won’t talk to me now. He thinks he’s father of the year
 
Don’t really have enough information to decide if he’s right or wrong. I learned to drive at 10, and most of my kids as well. We didn’t drive on the road, but through fields and unoccupied parking lots. If he’s on busy city streets, interstates, etc then dad is not being smart about things. But if he is on his property or empty areas, then he’s getting a good foundation now for good formal training at a later date, and dad is being very responsible and helping his son and society by making sure son is experienced before he gets out in the roads for real. Either way, though, I think both you and dad have overreacted. You shouldn’t overstep your bounds with his parenting, and he got overly offended at least if you are relating this story accurately.
 
I grew up in a rural area and I was allowed to learn how to drive on gravel and dirt roads, and in country cemeteries, starting at 11 or 12. It is really, really common in those areas for kids to learn to drive earlier than the law allows, and some people even consider it to be a familial right of passage of sorts.

You were wrong to butt in like that. You weren’t asked for your opinion, and the kid’s father certainly knows that there would be legal consequences if caught. One of the quickest ways to lose friends and make enemies is to start insulting parenting choices and giving out child rearing lessons from a pedestal. Just something to keep in mind.
 
RosslynV said:
Non-rural driving… we live in the big city.
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I think you gave him good advice. He’ll have to probably learn the hard way. It’s unsafe, iillegal and not prudent. I personally care not to see kids that age on the road that’s why there is a specified age one can drive in a state.

Mary.
 
RosslynV said:
Non-rural driving… we live in the big city.
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I don’t think you told him anything he didn’t already know, so you simply gave him an unsolicited lecture on his faults as a parent. It is not unusual to take unkindly to that, whether the admonishment is deserved or not. If your friendship requires saying something, then your friendship also requires enduring the inevitable cooling off period magnanimously. If you don’t do this often–that is, if this isn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back–he will probably get over it.

You can call him. If he tells you he doesn’t want you meddling, you tell him, “Hey, you heard me say my piece, that was all I wanted, I will stay out of your hair.” If he avoids the subject, you keep your mouth closed with unsolicited advice and demonstrate that you are not going to butt in any more. (OK, you are allowed to ask for warning so you can be off the street when Junior takes his dad for a cruise. ;)) If he says he doesn’t want to be around you, well, you have a case of someone who lectures and someone who won’t be lectured to, with neither one giving in, so when the relationship came to that testing point, it gave out.

Oh, well. Find friends who don’t mind your admonishments. It will narrow the field a bit, but if you take admonishments aimed at you with grace and give admonishments to others with even more grace, you’ll undoubtedly find a mutual-improvement society happy to have you.

PS If you find the driving lessons have stopped, don’t you** dare **take credit for the decision or say “I told you so.” Just say something like, “well, he will be taking driving lessons before you know it, and I don’t doubt Chad will be an excellent teacher,” or something else you might have said if you thought the lessons were a great idea but found your opinion overruled, instead. You were straying into what was not your business, so once you get out, stay out.
 
I was driving a HUGE hay truck at 10–but that was in open fields at a few miles an hour.
 
RosslynV said:
Simply advised my friend that giving his 12 year old driving lessons is pointless. First of all if a cop pulled them over with a 12 year old behind the wheel, they would be issued a citation. Secondly, I told him that the son was too short to drive and that he should wait til 15 to start official drivers training. My friend told me to not meddle in his business and won’t talk to me now. He thinks he’s father of the year
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Well, maybe you were meddling and maybe not. But if he won’t talk to you over this I doubt you have lost a friend in the first place.

Honestly, I could care less about someone teaching a 12 year old how to drive. My sister worked on ranches for over 20 years and they teach their kids how to drive everything with an engine and wheels to get the work done. It is a necessity. No I don’t want them driving cars on the highways, but then there are plenty of 30, 40 and 50 year old folks out there that should never have been allowed to drive either.

Guess it just depends on the circumstances.
 
The line between trying to help and interfering can be blurred, especially to the mind of the person receiving the advice.
Not possible to know how tactful you were and how your manner might appear to others.

However he might not be much of a friend if he cuts you off so quickly.
If you value the friendship, flawed as it appears, perhaps you could send an apology.
It may not be welcomed as people don’t like what they perceive as busybodies, even though your intentions were good. Sometimes there isn’t a way back.
Opinions are formed and sometimes quickly set in concrete.

Hope you find peace.
 
Cities still have back roads and empty areas. I highly doubt this is on major roads. Police would notice and step in. It’s not your place to tell dad how to parent unless you are the mom. Most parents I know have their kids driving by14 at least in their own driveway but none have their kids on city streets or highways until 16 with the proper permit. If he is the rare parent that is taking him out on major roads then rest assured the police will notice and take care of the problem.

I’ve lived in major US cities and still there were areas that are wide open and empty. I’ve lived in rural areas where the roads are busy and congested. The type of roads/lots/fields are the determining factor not the population of the area.
 
I just hope this 12 year old child and his law-breaking father don’t cause an accident where they or someone else is injured.
 
Teaching a 12yo to drive in a meadow, or a parking lot, or in another untrafficked area doesn’t seem like a terrible risk. If that is happening, I would understand a parent being annoyed at a friend who tried to correct their parenting. Teaching a 12yo to drive in the street where he could get into real trouble is a bad idea, but when you consider parents make a ton of safety related judgments for the children, and often there is a wide range of opinions on what is safe, it is hard to argue with “I’ll raise my child as I see fit.” But taking a 12yo child to drive on the road where he could potentially hurt someone else is another story altogether. If I had a friend who was doing that, my tactic would be to explain that the risks they take on for themselves and their own children are one thing, but putting other people at risk for the sake of their whim is not acceptable. I don’t have friends who would do that, but I imagine someone self centered enough to put other people at risk by setting their 12yo behind the wheel of a car, would probably also be self centered enough to not take criticism well. If I gave such a critique, it would not be in the spirit of helpfulness, but more in a spirit of warning - don’t put me and my family and other innocent people at risk because of your whim - and I would have to be prepared for fallout from such a warning.
 
Both of my kids got their first driving lessons at age 12. They were in a big city but with a licensed instructor. Many 12 year olds are very good drivers. It’s not a matter of age but of public safety. All you can do is encourage him to keep the lessons off the busy streets - in parking lots or on private property.
 
RosslynV said:
Simply advised my friend that giving his 12 year old driving lessons is pointless. First of all if a cop pulled them over with a 12 year old behind the wheel, they would be issued a citation. Secondly, I told him that the son was too short to drive and that he should wait til 15 to start official drivers training. My friend told me to not meddle in his business and won’t talk to me now. He thinks he’s father of the year
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Somehow, I don’t think you really were trying to help. You last sentence says a lot.
“He thinks he’s father of the year”. OK, so you don’t dig his parenting style. It’s not your business. Lesson learned, I guess. 🤷 Or, be prepared for unwanted criticism from him.
As many have said, in rural areas, kids are permitted to drive on Farm to Market roads, in tractors, trucks, and other farm equipment.
You’re in the city…OK. but it is still “simply” not your place.
Don’t fret over it. If he’s a friend, he’ll forgive.
 
Where are all the people saying it’s a sin to break the law… because I remember posting a thread about going through stop signs in completely clear areas and had people saying it would be a sin to break the law unless the law is literally asking you to do something immoral. Not that this is entirely related, but still I wonder. 🤷
 
Cricket2 said:
My sister worked on ranches for over 20 years and they teach their kids how to drive everything with an engine and wheels to get the work done. It is a necessity.
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There is a farming town 100 miles from where I live. Last year it was in the news that an 11 year old boy was going backwards in a trailer or truck or some kind of farm vehicle. He ran over his dad and the dad died on the spot. This 11 year old will have to live with the guilt that he killed his dad. He will have to live with his siblings resenting him for killing their dad. I don’t even want to think of the turmoil this poor child is going through. I realize accidents happen by people of any age, but I think it is much harder for a kid to cope. I think it is sad that in our advance society in order to get work done, an unfair responsibility is put on kids.

To the OP, I agree the post that this probably isn’t the only way the father is lenient. It is up to you to decide how close of a friend you want to be with someone of his character. But I do agree your comment doesn’t appear to have been in a loving way. But then I could be wrong

Angie
 
RosslynV said:
Simply advised my friend that giving his 12 year old driving lessons is pointless. First of all if a cop pulled them over with a 12 year old behind the wheel, they would be issued a citation. Secondly, I told him that the son was too short to drive and that he should wait til 15 to start official drivers training. My friend told me to not meddle in his business and won’t talk to me now.
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I think individuals usually make better, wiser decisions than government. But 12? really?

Your needs some common sense!
He thinks he’s father of the year
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:rotfl:
 
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