Losing Faith?

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Lexee15

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I guess I’m on here just to get some words of inspiration. I’m having a real hard day today. For anyone who doesn’t know my story, I’m trying to keep my marriage together after finding out about my husband’s multiple affairs his addictions to alcohol and gambling. We have a five month old son and I want to put this all in His hands but I don’t know anymore. I have good days and I have really bad days, like today. I think what I hate most is knowing that his actions still have an impact on me. For instance, his coming home late w/out a call, I just wish I could feel like it doesn’t bother me. I hate that his actions can determine my mood, I wish I didn’t care, I ask God for his guidance, his consolation, his patience and mostly his peace, all I want to do is His will, but it’s so hard to be strong all of the time. I wish I had someone that could take the burden for a little while, I don’t want to be strong anymore, I don’t want to do the right thing, I don’t want to be loving, I don’t want to carry my cross or carry it quietly and with resignation!!! Please tell me these feelings will pass and that things will work out, I just feel so helpless and alone 😦 .
 
That’s an extremely heavy cross, Lexee, and I reckon I’d have just put it down and slunk away.

I think you are bearing it admirably! Only a saint could carry it with patience and resignation, so don’t beat yourself up for pervceived weakness on your part.

I have no similar experience to speak from, but I know someone out there will be able to offer some comfort and support.

All I can do is beg God to come to your aid!:bowdown2:
 
I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s problems, and the awful effect they’re having on you.

I come from an alcoholic and drug family, parents and siblings. Aside from counseling, Al-Anon is a good place to get support.

I strongly believer in the power of prayer. If I may I would recommend buying the Green Scapular, having it blessed by our priest, placing it in your husband’s dresser or inside his pillow case, and reciting the prayer daily.

I’ll include you and husband in my prayers.
 
I too sympathize and offer my prayers for you and your family.

Does your parish or one near you have perpetual adoration? Try going before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, even if only in the tabernacle at your church and spending some quiet time with him. This is how many have found peace in the midst of seemingly impossible situations. Jesus is waiting for you there to comfort you and help you. Pray the rosary while there, especially the Sorrowful Mysteries, so you can join your sufferings to the sufferings of Jesus and Mary for your husband’s reclamation and your peace of soul. God bless you!
 
I am so terribly sorry you are going through this. The first year of your dear son’s life should be a wonderful experience and how very sad that your husband ruined that. I think I would feel just like you do… betrayed & unable to carry that heavy burden day in, day out and care for a baby… lack of sleep, along with hormones and everything else.

I feel so sad for you… I wish I had some wise words to offer… but everything sounds so cliche…

So let me just say that your Heavenly Father loves you so very much and this is SO NOT what he intended for you. It’s a huge mess… but He’s great at fixing messes … so I agree… giving it all to Him is best. Jesus says, “Come to ME… all of you who are burdened and I will give you rest.” Pray… pray… pray. And then go love on your son. What a sweet blessing he must be in this terrible storm.

Hoping it gets better,
CM
 
Thank you all so much for your prayers, you know it’s funny, as soon as I finished posting an unexplainable calmness filled me. The pounding in my heart and the lump in my throat just went away, your prayers helped instantly. I think it was also one of those “only one set of footprints in the sand” moments. I am in awe of the mercy of our Lord and Mother Mary, they had what I needed and they filled me with peace again. I cannot thank them enough especially because I am not worthy. I also want to thank paulCT for the link to the Green Scapular site, it’s a beautiful story that I had no idea about. I have ordered the Green Scapular, petitioned for prayer and am already reciting the prayer…“Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.” It’s a wonderful site I hope more join in and read about what’s going on, the Blessed Mother so wants us to be saved for her Son. I will also spend some time with the Blessed Sacrament, I know that will fill me with energy, courage, peace and love. Thank you all for your prayers, suggestions and understanding. :bowdown2: :blessyou:
 
When is it okay to just let go? I think that I have completely ran out of patience, I am so tired of having to deal with such an incredibly selfish person, that I am very confused about what I should do next. I know that the right thing to do is to keep holding on until there is nothing to hold on to anymore, but I think that’s where this is headed. The decision I make is full of sacrifices, if I go, I won’t have to deal with “him” anymore, but my son will suffer because I won’t be able to stay home and raise him, I’ll have to work to support him and until now it’s been a blessing to be able to stay home with him, I’ll be a single mother having to split my time between a roof, food and clothing for my son and trying to raise him. If I stay I will have to sacrifice myself, my dignity, self-worth, my peace of mind and…yes my happiness. But, my son will have his mom full-time, that’s if his dad doesn’t decide he’s going to leave because this has gotten too hard for him…it’s too much work for him!
 
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Lexee15:
When is it okay to just let go? I think that I have completely ran out of patience, I am so tired of having to deal with such an incredibly selfish person, that I am very confused about what I should do next. I know that the right thing to do is to keep holding on until there is nothing to hold on to anymore, but I think that’s where this is headed. The decision I make is full of sacrifices, if I go, I won’t have to deal with “him” anymore, but my son will suffer because I won’t be able to stay home and raise him, I’ll have to work to support him and until now it’s been a blessing to be able to stay home with him, I’ll be a single mother having to split my time between a roof, food and clothing for my son and trying to raise him. If I stay I will have to sacrifice myself, my dignity, self-worth, my peace of mind and…yes my happiness. But, my son will have his mom full-time, that’s if his dad doesn’t decide he’s going to leave because this has gotten too hard for him…it’s too much work for him!
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Lexee…I am Praying for you. I am also going through much of the same things you are. I have/am still, learning to look at my situation this way: My purpose here on earth is NOT her, although she may benefit from my faith - my Faith is NOT about her, it is about God, and He IS my purpose. All I can do then is carry on in my Faith, Love as best I can, lift my suffering up to the Lord, and work out my own Salvation with fear and trembling. As there is suffering to be found all through life, especially where others actions/attitudes/behaviors are concerned, I am trying my best to just add this situation to the list, painful as it is - being so close to my heart, and go on in my walk with the Lord. We are not responsible FOR our spouses, but we ARE responsible TO them…except in the case of Adultery - yet even then, if the Lord is willing to give us the grace to carry on - should we not take up that cross and walk? I think - for ME, perspective on what I am, and am NOT responsible for - and where my priorities* have * to be, makes all the difference in how I approach the problem, and how much I let it affect me.

Focus on Christ, Pray for the Grace - and walk the walk, Trusting the He will support you, and lead you into peace.

Peace and Prayers
 
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PraRFLEsEkHm:
Lexee…I am Praying for you. I am also going through much of the same things you are. I have/am still, learning to look at my situation this way: My purpose here on earth is NOT her, although she may benefit from my faith - my Faith is NOT about her, it is about God, and He IS my purpose. All I can do then is carry on in my Faith, Love as best I can, lift my suffering up to the Lord, and work out my own Salvation with fear and trembling. As there is suffering to be found all through life, especially where others actions/attitudes/behaviors are concerned, I am trying my best to just add this situation to the list, painful as it is - being so close to my heart, and go on in my walk with the Lord. We are not responsible FOR our spouses, but we ARE responsible TO them…except in the case of Adultery - yet even then, if the Lord is willing to give us the grace to carry on - should we not take up that cross and walk? I think - for ME, perspective on what I am, and am NOT responsible for - and where my priorities* have * to be, makes all the difference in how I approach the problem, and how much I let it affect me.

Focus on Christ, Pray for the Grace - and walk the walk, Trusting the He will support you, and lead you into peace.

Peace and Prayers
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Thank you so much for that, I did almost lose perspective :o . My walk has been for Him and to do His will, whatever that might be. Up until now that’s what’s kept me going, I don’t pray to save my marriage I pray for His will to be done, I pray that he gives me enough peace to be able to listen to what He has to say. When I decided not to leave him I made that decision through prayer, I opened my heart and mind and asked for Him to make me His instrument…I had never before given myself up like this. It’s gotten me through so far…I don’t beg to stay with my husband I beg that I am doing the right thing, what the Lord wants me to do. I need to keep leaving this in His hands, He knows what’s best for all of us and I know he won’t let me down 👍 !

Not to pry, but was your wife unfaithful to you? I ask because I would love to hear what this is like from a male perspective.
 
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Lexee15:
Not to pry, but was your wife unfaithful to you? I ask because I would love to hear what this is like from a male perspective.
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Hi - and you are most welcome.

Yes, she was/is. First emotionally with some guy she ‘developed feelings’ for, and - to the best of my knowledge stayed away from after that. Then on the internet [even after she said she was going to stop - which was after I caught her, and then had to show her the evidence to get her to stop lying about it] Now with some other guy, since we are separated - I guess that makes it all OK. Well - not to me it doesn’t, and now she isn’t sure she even wants to stay married. I do still, despite everything - but, I have left that up to God to decide. That is very hard to do also. All this was extremely painful to go through - and I confess I didn’t handle it at all well. We had screaming matches which resulted in her shoving me more than once, and just generally making our marriage anything but a haven for Love and Peace. Although that was the only physical thing that happened - I also confess I had more than a little temptation to open up myself - something I despise in other men I hear about and see doing [something I need to pray about to become more loving with - these people who feel they have the right to abuse people, physically or mentally/emotionally, just because their feelings are hurt].

We had a bad marriage - obviously, and although I made my share of mistakes - I never cheated on her. She had been cheated on in her previous marriage - which is why I thought I would never have to deal with that from her. I guess I was wrong there. Sometimes I wonder if I am paying for others mistakes…again - I am doing my best to follow the Lord here, and work out my own Salvation, praying that she will come to find our Lord and make a turn-around. I don’t know what else you would like to know, really so anything else you would like to ask feel free to PM me.

Peace in Christ
 
Dear friend

I thank God for allowing this cross for you, so many people waste their crosses by rejecting them, not offering the suffering they endure to God and by not enduring them for love of God and each other. Surely we are all crosses to each other.

In seeing Jesus in your husband you will see how to love him even though he is the source of your cross.

No-one is better than Jesus that they may not come to the cross as a disciple of His, He is the Master, gone before us along the road of the cross so we the servants follow in the impression of His footprints and if we tread exactly to where He goes, we go to the cross, we can act and react many ways to the cross. We can complain knowing we still cannot escape the cross, we can hate the cross, spitting at it and saying all manner of things, we can accept the cross but after accepting complain and feel self-pity or we can like our Blessed Lord accept the cross forgetting ourselves and love even when we are not loved by others ourselves and love by bearing the cross with them which in turn gives ourselves a cross.

Your husband suffers, he suffers more than any suffering he may be causing you, your husband is in agony. He is in agony because he will not allow, presently, God to purify him from his sinful self. Your husband is not different from the rest of humanity in this, all indulgence of the self leads to sin that is harmful to self and to others, just some sins have differing effects on ourselves and those around us.

Your husband is under the Providence of God. You must persevere in prayer for him always, if you give up hope on him, you give up hope in God. This does not mean you endanger yourself or your child, you must keep yourself safe and your child safe from all harm you forsee, but you must keep channels of friendship and reconciliation open between you and your husband.

Sometimes God has to allow a soul to be brought to it’s knees, to its lowest point in danger of losing all before that soul will come to the truth and lead a good life for God and for themselves and for others.

You have made a vow before God and your brothers and sisters, even if your husband is not loving you by his actions, you must love him and God by adhering to that vow. You may be the only person who is like Jesus to your husband and remember in being Jesus to your husband you do not rely on your own strength, which is nothing, but you rely on the strength that is Jesus, Who is everything…so go before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and tell Him every intimate detail of your life with your husband and ask Him to pour His graces on you both, believe what you ask for and wait, it will all come to you.

Persevere.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
I don’t even know how to reply to that springbreeze, except to say that you’re right. It must be the human condition (or the devil) that doesn’t let me see things as clearly as you have put them. Or maybe it’s that I’m living it, I’m in the middle of it and feeling everything. Every lie, every indifference, every withdrawl of affection, every anxiety (wondering if he’s still cheating or out gambling & drinking), every sadness to know that every step he takes he’s further from Salvation. It hurts to know that if he were to die today, not judging…just knowing, he probably would not rejoice with the Lord, by his choice. I know that I am not perfect, I am a sinner, but I am trying, I want to see my Father in Heaven someday…if I died today I could die knowing that I tried to live my life for Him and that’s gotta count for something :o no?

As far as safety, my son and I are not in any physical or sexual abuse danger, at least not now. Just some emotional and mental abuse, that I hope with constant prayer the Holy Spirit will allow me not to suffer, I just want to be filled with peace, joy, consolation, love and patience so that things won’t hurt so much. That’s what seems to make me question whether I should stay here or not. I have dignity and where does that dignity go when I stay in a situation where adultry abounds? What does that teach my son, it seems that it would teach him that it’s okay to treat women like this…to treat people like this, with no repect.

I want to carry my cross if it’s His will, I just worry what it may do to my son. But I do hear what you’re saying about my vow and seeing Jesus in my husband, I just hope he doesn’t have to hit rock bottom, but it looks as if that’s where’s he’s headed. I really think he continues to treat me the way he does so that I lose patience and just leave…he’s also a coward and that was one thing that Christ was not.
 
Dear Lexee,
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You:
As far as safety, my son and I are not in any physical or sexual abuse danger, at least not now. Just some emotional and mental abuse, that I hope with constant prayer the Holy Spirit will allow me not to suffer, I just want to be filled with peace, joy, consolation, love and patience so that things won’t hurt so much.

That’s what seems to make me question whether I should stay here or not. I have dignity and where does that dignity go when I stay in a situation where adultery abounds? What does that teach my son, it seems that it would teach him that it’s okay to treat women like this…to treat people like this, with no repect.

I want to carry my cross if it’s His will, I just worry what it may do to my son. But I do hear what you’re saying about my vow and seeing Jesus in my husband.
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In your short marriage, your husband has demonstrated severe instability and mental immaturity through repeated adultery, alcoholism, and addictive gambling. When you entered the marriage, I suspect one or both of you had a “lack of due discretion” which is grounds for marital annulment in the Church. So if no sacramental marriage bond existed from its inception, God will not hold you to your vow. This was the judgment I received when my marriage was annulled for many of your identical reasons, excepting the gambling. The capacity to enter into a commited, sacred marriage was nonexistent.

As I indicated to you privately, though you did not respond, you need to seek professional counselling and not rely on well-meaning advice that is given on this forum. These people have not lived with alcoholism, adultery, nor gambling issues - triple, major problems! You would be wise to obtain pastoral help immediately and not simply rely on prayer alone to get you through. By all means, try to understand the affliction and learn how to cope through Al-Anon.

Nor is it enough for anyone to say to you that you just need to bear your cross. You need help to identify what is a true cross. “Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can — and the WISDOM to know the difference!”

What you permit your husband to do to you, you permit him to do to Christ Himself, living within you. In our legal system, an action in divorce is rendered void when the injured spouse “condones” the adultery by having relations with him afterwards. Does this send a good message to your husband?

You have much to consider, Lexee, and no doubt you believe I am exercising “tough love” here. I suggest you read Doctor Dobson’s book of the same name, for he has counselled in many of these situations and gives the same advice. He is a well-known pastor who ministers on the radio daily to the family.

God be with you,
Carole
 
There are a few examples, Lexee, that I would like to share, just in case there are readers who experience the same situation.

The loving thing to do when hubby comes home drunk at 9:00 p.m., is to make his dinner. Then give him sex while he is inebriated, and in the morning, clean up his vomit, and call his employer telling him that he is ill and cannot come to work. Afterwards, we look for a job to support the family because he has spent the weekly grocery money. Etc, etc.

What is so abnormal is the distorted thinking of the wife as she struggles in severe pain to keep the home together, and that is understandable and common to many who wear these shoes. She herself bears the full consequences of the husband’s immorality, and he receives her many blessings of “loving” reaction to all of his sins. The message he perceives is that sin has a reward, not a consequence. How unlike God we become when we adopt these idyllic notions of love!

It takes a lot of therapy to correct our inappropriate response in these cases, for often the person, being such a good Catholic, has difficulty believing others who have overcome, using means that seem so “unloving.”

Bless you,
Carole
 
You know if I was just dealing with the drinking and the gambling I think I could somehow try and stick it out without as much anxiety as comes with the adultry. If he doesn’t want to be here or be with us why doesn’t he just leave? I am certainly not going to hold him back, or beg him to stay. It’s sad because, like I said before, if he died today he would have alot to answer for, perhaps losing his salvation, out of all that’s happened this is the saddest thing of all. He doesn’t need to get right with me, his kids, his family or anyone else…he needs to get right with God, if he just did that he would be able to get right with everyone else around him.
 
Lexee,
If he doesn’t want to be here or be with us why doesn’t he just leave?
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He won’t leave, because deep down there is still a smidgeon of love for you and your son. With so many of these affairs, it is simply an ego trip for the man, often triggered by an aggressive woman. You know the type that hang in bars, right? Isn’t that his favorite haunt? The two go hand in hand - drinking and the insatiable desire to feed his ego with a new conquest. It is not love, nor a desire for a new companion. Just another addiction to egomania that needs therapy as much as the alcohol or gambling.

Unfortunately, these men do not have much sensitivity or remorse for the pain they cause their spouse - they never think they will be caught, and they rely on your absolute forgiveness as you swallow their “I’ll never do it again, honey!” The sense of sin has taken wing, and you are right about his getting right with God, first and foremost. Until that happens, I don’t hold out much hope for it to stop. At least, that has been my experience.

I guess I’m saying to you, don’t beat yourself up - it’s not YOU! Don’t drive yourself nuts trying to be a a more perfect housekeeper, sex partner, companion, beautiful fashion model, etc. It doesn’t work, as you will discover should you resolve to try everything in the world to “measure up.” You are a lovely lady, worthy of fidelity, understanding, and commitment from your spouse.

I had a girlfriend who suffered the devastation of a divorce. I managed for her to see a couple that amazed her, as she discovered the man was tall, physically fit, and extremely handsome, a good ten years younger, yet the lady he fell in love with and married was every bit of 350 pounds (even as they dated!), and she had two children from another marriage. They shared a music ministry together, and he entered the seminary to become a minister. A very devoted couple of many years’ marriage!

May God comfort you and bring you understanding,

🙂 Carole
 
I have an elderly Aunt that recently told me what she done with her husband when he came in drunk and spent most of his week’s pay.

She showed him a 2 x 4 that she said she was going to use on him if it happened again!!!

In plain language…“shape up or ship out”!!!

Of course, I’d include him in my prayers too, but wouldn’t put up with it!!!

:amen:
 
This article was on the front page of my newspaper today, and I thought about Lexee and the gentleman who are coping with marital problems.

heraldstandard.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=15336853&BRD=2280&PAG=461&dept_id=480247&rfi=6

Granted, none of us faces the extreme abuse mentioned in the article, but what struck a chord with me was this paragraph:
…When he felt bad, he would apologize and it was the honeymoon phase all over again. I stayed because I didn’t have the self-esteem or confidence to leave."
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How many separations I went through in the Church, only to melt when he phrased the loving words I longed so much to hear. Yes, it was a glorious honeymoon for a week or two, which soothed my forlorn, aching spirit. But, as always, his words were so rvery short-lived and merely a catch phrase he knew would win me back into the game which we played all over again.

I learned in counselling not to listen to words, but to wait and observe long-standing effort at reformation BEFORE allowing him back into the home.

I send you peace and promise of prayer.

Carole
 
I cannot fathom what you are going through, as I am unmarried, but in the times of great duress I have undergone, it has helped me to offer my suffering for the souls in purgatory; for my children and their future struggles, that the Blessed Mother will show them defernce and favor; for my elderly grandmother, who i fear for as she approaches the inevitable.

This, if nothing else, gives me comfort that my suffering is being used to help someone, anyone else. That is perhaps as close as I will get to being a martyr, but it is something.

Other than that, I applaud you, and you have my heartfelt prayers…
 
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Joysong:
How many separations I went through in the Church, only to melt when he phrased the loving words I longed so much to hear. Yes, it was a glorious honeymoon for a week or two, which soothed my forlorn, aching spirit. But, as always, his words were so rvery short-lived and merely a catch phrase he knew would win me back into the game which we played all over again.

I learned in counselling not to listen to words, but to wait and observe long-standing effort at reformation BEFORE allowing him back into the home.

I send you peace and promise of prayer.

Carole
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You know the funny thing is that there doesn’t even seem to be a honeymoon phase with us, he is supposedly just making the effort not to do certain things. As an addict I don’t expect him to stay on the wagon all that long, especially with the gambling. With the drinking I’m hoping his stint behind bars will keep him from drinking for awhile. I don’t know though.
Carole, what did you have to deal with…gambling, alcoholism, drugs, physical abuse or mental/emotional abuse? Also, how long were you married before you finally decided to end it?
Did you divorce and then file for an annullment? I’m a bit confused, can you file for an annullment after the divorce just because or do you have to be engaged and wanting to be married in the church again? Anyone who has info. about this annullment stuff is welcome to post also, thanks.
 
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