Losing Faith?

[Joysong]

Hi Lexee,

Carole, what did you have to deal with…gambling, alcoholism, drugs, physical abuse or mental/emotional abuse?

Continual incidences of adultery, which did give me a serious venereal infection. You may have seen the medical ads on TV lately that speak about a particular type that causes cancer of the cervex. I believe this was the cause of my cancer, and I had surgery at 24 years old to remove my uterus. Praise God, I had three little daughters prior to this.

Also, there was constant alcoholism, which occasionally exploded into a violent rage. The problem here was the change of personality whenever he drank. He is normally a generous, kind, quiet person, but the drinking altered his personality for the worst. Like Anna Rose mentioned previously, I had to defend myself after he broke my eardrum one evening with an assault to my head. I told him to be sure and do his damage while he can, because he must go to sleep some time, and then it’s my turn! It kept him away from me for the most part, though he took his rage out on the home furnishings, damaging the premises - but ONLY when he was drinking.

Now that we are friends many years later (he has been sober about six years or so), he has confided much of what he went through during those years. He said the guys in the bar are extremely negative, and conversations are pumped with animosity toward the “old lady” at home. Most of them have beefs with them, no doubt as an excuse to drink. There are always a lot of women in the bars who are seeking a provider and sex partner. They care little whether or not they are married. The whole atmosphere is totally immoral.

The problem began while he was a youngster at home, because his father was an alcoholic. Unfortunately, his mother never sought outside help, but phrased many times to me that one must carry their cross! Wouldn’t you think he would hate alcohol, having lived with it in the home and seen such terrible things?

Also, how long were you married before you finally decided to end it?

As I mentioned previously, we had about four separations though the Church. He refused counselling when the pastor contacted him about it. These separations always ended through his persuasion that he was going to change. Words, huh? And they really mean it when they express them, but they are not strong enough to keep their promise without outside help.

We had been married about 18 years before the first divorce. And yes, I was crazy enough to marry him again. It lasted 12 more years before the second divorce.

Did you divorce and then file for an annullment?

Not immediately, as I had no reason to do so. I did not file for annulment until about six years afterwards, due to the aging of my witnesses and the difficulty of trying to remember back so many years to write my testimony. The Church does require that there be a civil divorce prior to filing, since She does recognize the legal, civil contract between the parties. It has to be set aside first.

One just never knows when the rage from drinking can become life-threatening, and the nondrinkers in the family face this danger, more especially when they begin to exercise tough love — a virtual walk on thin ice, I’m afraid. Al-Anon people live with it and have a lot of support and literature to help you as you struggle. I think there is more hope for the drinker than with the adulterer! Lust is extremely difficult to overcome without God’s grace and a deep love for one’s spouse based on fidelity to their vows.

God’s peace and grace be with you,
Carole

 

[Joysong]

One point I forgot to mention is the issue of blackouts that occur in the later stages of drinking. The person can drink so much alcohol that they lose all reality in a “blackout.” They will function as though they were perfectly normal, but lose consciousness and remembrance of anything they did while they were drunk. In other words, when they take out their vengence upon a family member, very often they do not know what they are doing and cannot remember anything whatsoever the next day. Scary stuff, eh?

This is why a person needs knowledge of what the chemical does to the body in many of its different phases as the person becomes more and more addicted, requiring increasing volumes of the chemical to obtain their high. Kinda like drugs, I suppose. I actually attended some of the talks given by reformed members of AA, and it gives you a lot of insight into the disease from those who experienced it. So often they really love their families, but are powerless to control. It puts an extraordinary burden on the sober partner to try and help - through proper education and extreme fortitude.

We had a gambler as a business manager of a parish in Michigan who was so addicted that he gambled away the offertory collection many times, and would then gamble to try and win it all back, out of a sense of guilt and obligation. When the Archdiocese of Detroit finally discovered it, they did not prosecute him, but insisted on rehabilitation through counselling and regular attendance at Gambler’s Anonymous. So you see, even in the case of a good Catholic, the addiction was so overpowering, even to using the sacred offerings of the people.

Carole

 

[Joysong]

I am always in awe at the perfect timing of God’s providence, for when I went out this morning for coffee, I noticed on the front page of USA Today an article about a vaccine for cervical cancer that I spoke about in my previous message.

The article also provided a link to further describe the symptoms, which are not apparent at all. It is true that my cancer was discovered through the pap test as affirmed in the article, but ladies, if you have an unfaithful husband, he can transmit this unsuspecting condition without realizing it, and your life may be in danger, due to lack of symptoms in your own person. A word to the wise who may be reading this thread …

usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-10-06-cervicalcancer_x.htm

cdc.gov/std/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm

Carole

 

[kildare]

heres my view for what its worth:

You may be having your date with destiny very soon. Christ had i and we all seem to get it.
Through it all, no matter what abuse the devil thows at you( and the devil is using your husband) you must stand by God and the Church.
Don’t expect miracles, Gods sense of time is not ours. But if you show strength, humility and mercy, then in the end I think it will turn out ok.

 

[Lexee15]

kildare:

heres my view for what its worth:

You may be having your date with destiny very soon. Christ had i and we all seem to get it.
Through it all, no matter what abuse the devil thows at you( and the devil is using your husband) you must stand by God and the Church.
Don’t expect miracles, Gods sense of time is not ours. But if you show strength, humility and mercy, then in the end I think it will turn out ok.

Thanks kildare, I’m not expecting a miracle, I just wish I could see whether I’m doing the right thing by staying. I am trying to show strength, humility, mercy and love in all I do. I must admit though that my pride tends to creep up on me and I say to myself that I don’t need to be dealing with this crud. That I deserve better, but then I remember that I must listen to the Will of God and not my pride, that’s where my hope and faith take a downward turn since I don’t see things changing, I don’t see anything that would make me want to continue holding on. It’s quite a dilema and it takes so much of me to do the “right” thing. I hope your right in that things will turn out okay. I just don’t want to waste my life and my child’s hoping that I’ll get a better husband and he a better father.

 

[Lexee15]

Joysong:

Hi Lexee,

Continual incidences of adultery, which did give me a serious venereal infection. You may have seen the medical ads on TV lately that speak about a particular type that causes cancer of the cervex. I believe this was the cause of my cancer, and I had surgery at 24 years old to remove my uterus. Praise God, I had three little daughters prior to this.

So you married very young? Did he take any responsibility for this? I think I would be very resentful with him if I had to deal with it, I tell myself that if something were to happen to a child of mine because of his behavior that I could never forgive him. How’d you do it?]

Also, there was constant alcoholism, which occasionally exploded into a violent rage. The problem here was the change of personality whenever he drank. He is normally a generous, kind, quiet person, but the drinking altered his personality for the worst. Like Anna Rose mentioned previously, I had to defend myself after he broke my eardrum one evening with an assault to my head. I told him to be sure and do his damage while he can, because he must go to sleep some time, and then it’s my turn! It kept him away from me for the most part, though he took his rage out on the home furnishings, damaging the premises - but ONLY when he was drinking.

*That’s very scary… I’m so sorry that you had to deal with this. Were your children around to see this? Luckily until now I haven’t had to deal with any physical abuse…Praise God!!! *

Now that we are friends many years later (he has been sober about six years or so), he has confided much of what he went through during those years. He said the guys in the bar are extremely negative, and conversations are pumped with animosity toward the “old lady” at home. Most of them have beefs with them, no doubt as an excuse to drink. There are always a lot of women in the bars who are seeking a provider and sex partner. They care little whether or not they are married. The whole atmosphere is totally immoral.

• With my husband, I hate what he does, but I also know that there is a root to his problem and I’ve been able to analyze other aspects of his behavior, that I think go way back. That’s not an excuse, don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of us who had rough childhoods but still don’t take his path. I’m just saying there’s almost always a root and the behavior is just a symptom of their screwed up heads, which is why I know he needs God and major therapy…but he won’t get it…he thinks he’s fine. *

The problem began while he was a youngster at home, because his father was an alcoholic. Unfortunately, his mother never sought outside help, but phrased many times to me that one must carry their cross! Wouldn’t you think he would hate alcohol, having lived with it in the home and seen such terrible things?
As I mentioned previously, we had about four separations though the Church. He refused counselling when the pastor contacted him about it. These separations always ended through his persuasion that he was going to change. Words, huh? And they really mean it when they express them, but they are not strong enough to keep their promise without outside help.
We had been married about 18 years before the first divorce. And yes, I was crazy enough to marry him again. It lasted 12 more years before the second divorce.

Well, let me just say this…you carried your CROSS and you did what was God’s will, and finally got out of the situation. You can look back and say I kept my promise and gave my all…it still wasn’t meant to be. I guess that’s where I’m at it’s been a couple of months so I don’t want to give up yet, but I don’t want to hold on to something that’s not meant to be out of stubborness, I am trying to listen the what the Lord want for me and my family…I want to do His will. I don’t think he’ll fail me and keep me here longer than I need to be.

God Bless you and I can tell you this, if you don’t get your recompense here you will find it in Heaven, you’ve endured more than anyone should ever have to…God be with you always, and thank you for your words and information…it’s very helpful!!!

God’s peace and grace be with you,
Carole

 

[Joysong]

Hi Lexee,

I’m so grateful for your feedback, because you are dealing with such a tramatic three-fold problem, and it causes me a bit of uneasiness that I may not be giving the best advice for your situation. Always assure yourself by getting help beyond what our sharing limitations are here on the forum.

So you married very young? Yes, I was 19. Did he take any responsibility for this? Now in his later life, yes, he is remorseful. I think I would be very resentful with him if I had to deal with it, I tell myself that if something were to happen to a child of mine because of his behavior that I could never forgive him. How’d you do it?

To be honest, I remember the words of St. Teresa of Avila who said that when her trials were the most severe, God overwhelmed her with many interior graces as if to make her so inebriated with His blessings that she felt her pain less. I was a daily communicant at that time, and spent hours in prayer, and can only attribute it to God helping me. The hardest part of all was exercising continual occasions of practicing forgiveness - almost an impossibility at times. The interior graces were abundant. In fact, I rarely received them afterwards, I suppose because they were unnecessary.

*That’s very scary… I’m so sorry that you had to deal with this. Were your children around to see this? Luckily until now I haven’t had to deal with any physical abuse…Praise God!!! *

My oldest daughter (about 16) witnessed the attack that almost took my life and caused the final rift for divorce, but at that age, I don’t think she realized the full impact. There’s more, but I may decide to share it privately. My last child is now heavily drinking, possibly as a result of seeing it so much in the home, just as her father saw it in his home. I may have to use the old tough love philosophy to help her escape the downward spiral.

This next part probably belongs in the miracle thread, for it does give honor and glory to God, I hope. He prepared me a couple of days ahead of the attack, for I was reading *The Hiding Place *that week, and came to the part where Betsy (a prisoner of the holocaust) was being beaten by the prison guard so severely, that she screamed aloud, “Lord Jesus, SAVE ME!” At that moment the guard stopped, saying, “Don’t ever say that name again!” But he stopped!

I thought that was unusual, for my habit is to speak to God interiorly, and I would never have worded it aloud. I pondered it a lot. When my husband’s attack came, I remembered this incident and screamed aloud, “Lord Jesus, SAVE ME!” And wonder of wonders, he stopped, too. I’m certain I would have died that night, otherwise. What power in the name of Jesus!

Maybe this will help someone.

In His holy love,
Carole

 

[Joysong]

Dear Lexee,

*Luckily until now I haven’t had to deal with any physical abuse…Praise God!!! *

You are young, and so is your marriage - so there’s still hope. Serious problems in my marriage did not develop in the beginning, either, but only as time went on. Sin indulged always increases in magnitude, frequency, and severity. I wish I had known to get help earlier, for I may have been able to prevent a lot of problems if I had gained knowledge through counselling.

The one blessing of it all is that my pain was so great that it brought me to God in conversion. Otherwise, I might have continued to pursue a sinful life of worldly pleasure and lost my salvation.

Another blessing, as I look back, is that my problems lasted for so many years. I read a book by Hannah Hurnard called Hind’s Feet on High Places. It is in parable form, but full of wisdom. Miss Much-Afraid, wanted so much to follow her Shepherd to the high places, yet she balked when He gave her two companions for the journey, called* Suffering* and *Sorrow, *whom she tried to shed the entire time. (Don’t we all?) My marriage kept me on my knees, in prayer, and that’s where I grew. I hope you read the book some day, for the ending is fabulous! You’ll see an amazing transformation after she reaches the high places.

Carole

 

[PraRFLEsEkHm]

Joysong:

I thought that was unusual, for my habit is to speak to God interiorly, and I would never have worded it aloud. I pondered it a lot. When my husband’s attack came, I remembered this incident and screamed aloud, “Lord Jesus, SAVE ME!” And wonder of wonders, he stopped, too. I’m certain I would have died that night, otherwise. What power in the name of Jesus!
Maybe this will help someone.
In His holy love,
Carole

Glory to God.

I wish I could help you more Lexee, but all I can offer you, aside from what I’ve written already, are my Prayers. I know what you are going through is extremely difficult, and I pray for the Lord of Peace and Love to help guide you through all of this, and give you strength to do what He has laid out for you - make His presence real to you, and provide for all your needs according to His will, in abundance.

Peace

 

[Lexee15]

Joysong:

Hi Lexee,

I’m so grateful for your feedback, because you are dealing with such a tramatic three-fold problem, and it causes me a bit of uneasiness that I may not be giving the best advice for your situation. Always assure yourself by getting help beyond what our sharing limitations are here on the forum.

I am in counseling, but it really helps to know that you’re not alone and this forum has really been helpful for me, God and the Blessed Mother have gotten me through, but I believe it’s through them that I found this forum, it has really given me strength and helps me look at things from different perspectives which is always a good thing…it never helps to have tunnel vision on anything.

To be honest, I remember the words of St. Teresa of Avila who said that when her trials were the most severe, God overwhelmed her with many interior graces as if to make her so inebriated with His blessings that she felt her pain less. I was a daily communicant at that time, and spent hours in prayer, and can only attribute it to God helping me. The hardest part of all was exercising continual occasions of practicing forgiveness - almost an impossibility at times. The interior graces were abundant. In fact, I rarely received them afterwards, I suppose because they were unnecessary.

How do you know what interior graces are? Maybe I’m receiving them I just don’t recognize them. The one thing I know is that I thought I knew myself and I believed the kind of person I was would never ever put up with something like this. This was precisely the reason I got an education…I hold a graduate degree…because I wanted to say that I didn’t need a man, that I could support myself therefore not have to deal with things I didn’t like. I said to myself, if I can support myself then I don’t have to put with any bull from any man, I won’t feel stuck with no where to go because I can’t support myself. Now, I know I can walk away and be okay financially…I don’t need to be with him, I’m an educated woman with a good head on my shoulders…so what keeps me here, what gives me the desire to save my marriage and keep trying. I used to be a very prideful person, the adultry hurt more because he made me look like a fool than because he slept with other women. I just don’t understand myself, I don’t know me very much anymore, I used to break up with boys for much less than this, what is it?

My oldest daughter (about 16) witnessed the attack that almost took my life and caused the final rift for divorce, but at that age, I don’t think she realized the full impact. There’s more, but I may decide to share it privately. My last child is now heavily drinking, possibly as a result of seeing it so much in the home, just as her father saw it in his home. I may have to use the old tough love philosophy to help her escape the downward spiral.

I’m so sorry about this, I just hate that people don’t realize how their actions impact their children. That’s the biggest reason I’m in counseling, I don’t want to pass this on to my children, I want to be the best mom I can be no matter what I’ve been through, it’s my resposibility to raise a well adjusted human being, so that he can be the best person he can be without carrying his mom’s baggage. Is she in any kind of counseling? Maybe that would help.

I thought that was unusual, for my habit is to speak to God interiorly, and I would never have worded it aloud. I pondered it a lot. When my husband’s attack came, I remembered this incident and screamed aloud, “Lord Jesus, SAVE ME!” And wonder of wonders, he stopped, too. I’m certain I would have died that night, otherwise. What power in the name of Jesus!

Praise God, he was with you and he gave you the tools to save your life. I’m so sorry that you had to experience this, I can’t even imagine it…the person you love…the person who’s supposed to love you…I just don’t get it.
Maybe this will help someone.

I’m sure it will

God’s love to you,
Lexee

 

[Lexee15]

Joysong:

Dear Lexee,
The one blessing of it all is that my pain was so great that it brought me to God in conversion. Otherwise, I might have continued to pursue a sinful life of worldly pleasure and lost my salvation.

I see this as a blessing also in my situation, it has definately brought me closer to God, my faith has grown, even though I have moments of weakness, my prayer life has become much more intense and meaningful. I have found that the things I thought were important before really are not…all I wish I had now was a husband who loved me and respected me…everything else doesn’t mean much at all.

Another blessing, as I look back, is that my problems lasted for so many years. I read a book by Hannah Hurnard called Hind’s Feet on High Places. It is in parable form, but full of wisdom. Miss Much-Afraid, wanted so much to follow her Shepherd to the high places, yet she balked when He gave her two companions for the journey, called* Suffering* and *Sorrow, *whom she tried to shed the entire time. (Don’t we all?) My marriage kept me on my knees, in prayer, and that’s where I grew. I hope you read the book some day, for the ending is fabulous! You’ll see an amazing transformation after she reaches the high places.

I think I will go out and buy it…I would like to read it, thanks.

Carole

 

[Lexee15]

PraRFLEsEkHm:

Glory to God.

I wish I could help you more Lexee, but all I can offer you, aside from what I’ve written already, are my Prayers. I know what you are going through is extremely difficult, and I pray for the Lord of Peace and Love to help guide you through all of this, and give you strength to do what He has laid out for you - make His presence real to you, and provide for all your needs according to His will, in abundance.

Peace

You have helped alot already, just by keeping me in your prayers and telling your story. I think it’s theraputic for me to be able to interact through the keyboard. To bounce my feelings and questions off you guys on the forum. I just hope I have been helpful to you. How are you doing? I’m sure it’s been rough, but hang in there God is watching over you and He knows what He’s doing?

Blessings,
Lexee

 

[Joysong]

Good morning, Lexee,

How do you know what interior graces are? Maybe I’m receiving them I just don’t recognize them.

I can only think to quote the psalms, “Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.” When He ministers to our spirit in a manner that we taste and see, we know.

The one thing I know is that I thought I knew myself and I believed the kind of person I was would never ever put up with something like this. This was precisely the reason I got an education…I hold a graduate degree…because I wanted to say that I didn’t need a man, that I could support myself therefore not have to deal with things I didn’t like. I said to myself, if I can support myself then I don’t have to put with any bull from any man, I won’t feel stuck with no where to go because I can’t support myself. Now, I know I can walk away and be okay financially…I don’t need to be with him, I’m an educated woman with a good head on my shoulders…so what keeps me here, what gives me the desire to save my marriage and keep trying?

I had a thought this morning after waking, as I listened to a religious presentation on TV. The person was speaking about letting God lead us rather than choosing to go our own way, and then expecting God to bless our wrong choice after the fact.

In my case, I was not even a person of prayer, nor attending mass and the sacraments at the time I dated my ex. Never did I think to ask God whether this person was His will for me, nor whether the vocation of marriage was in His will, either.

Like so many unfortunate Catholics, we do our own thing, and then run to the Church to get married, which is the “right” and proper thing to do. Briefly, I went through the motions externally, without much internal preparation, because the Church is where Catholic persons get married. In my day, there was scant preparation such as pre-Cana today, so if there was anything presented at all (memory escapes me), I no doubt breezed through it because I was determined to wed this man, and paid little attention to the instruction.

Had I prayed, maybe I would have been able to recognize God’s NO, NO, NO! Maybe you could review your own circumstances in this light. If you both truly prayed beforehand, weighed well the vocation you were entering, sought God’s will, and then peacefully went forward with His blessing — then that’s why you stay.

He will grant all the help you need in order to live the sacramental bond which you both entered.

If, like me, it was otherwise, then you really need to speak with God’s ministers in the Church who can best advise you, in His holy name, and enlighten your future path. (I applaud your choice to get counselling!!)

God bless you and be with you always,
Carole

 

[Lexee15]

Well I don’t know if he was asking for God’s guidance on whether or not we should marry, I doubt it. I was though, I even went on a retreat to be able to be away from everything and see if I could hear God guiding me in the direction he wanted me to go in. I especially did this because I found myself in love with a man who had a sordid past. I would not have been his first marriage and he had children with several women. It just seemed as though he finally wanted and was trying to get his life together, and he made it seem as if he wanted to do that with me.

I don’t know why I fell in love with him, I certainly am not the type of woman who fell for men’s bull, excuse my language, and I certainly didn’t “fall in love” with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I considered myself a “smart” woman who knew what she wanted and definately knew what she didn’t want. I didn’t want to settle, I married at 31 years old, so as you can see I wasn’t exactly a dumb little girl who didn’t know what she was doing. I must admit, I was a bit snobby about the whole situation, I felt that a man was so lucky to have a woman like me in thier lives that I didn’t have to put with anything I didn’t like, I certainly wasn’t a compromising person, it was my way or the highway…I was once accused by a young man who wanted to date me that I was a “discriminator” because the reason I wouldn’t date him was because he was divorced and had a son. I said that I had every right to be discriminating in who I decided to date and why…I must admit I was very harsh…and come to think of it I might be better off had I married him. I knew him pretty well and he was a good, loyal man…I just didn’t feel that way about him and who knows I may have had I given him a chance.

Life is strange and takes the wierdest turns…at least in my case, I ended up with the man I told myself I would NEVER even lay eyes on. This is why I sometimes think God has a strange…cruel sense of humor, it almost feels like He’s saying “Your gonna do what? I don’t think so!!! Ha Ha!!!” Yes, I know that sounds dumb, but I do think this has been His way of teaching me humility and asking Him what His plan is for me, and not thinking that I have everything figured out. But I do go through my moments…hence “Losing Faith” I do feel like I’m all alone at times, and the burden feels too heavy for me to carry. I am learning though to lay it at His feet and to offer up my pain, my tears and frustrations. I’m learning that what I need to work for are the treasures in Heaven. :angel1:

 

[Joysong]

Hi Lexee,

Well I don’t know if he was asking for God’s guidance on whether or not we should marry, I doubt it. I was though, I even went on a retreat to be able to be away from everything and see if I could hear God guiding me in the direction he wanted me to go in. I especially did this because I found myself in love with a man who had a sordid past. It would not have been his first marriage and he had children with several women. It just seemed as though he finally wanted and was trying to get his life together, and he made it seem as if he wanted to do that with me.

You know the funny thing is that there doesn’t even seem to be a honeymoon phase with us, he is supposedly just making the effort not to do certain things. As an addict I don’t expect him to stay on the wagon all that long, especially with the gambling. With the drinking I’m hoping his stint behind bars will keep him from drinking for awhile.

Oh my dear sister — do you see what I see from your words? It may have done some good for you to write out your thoughts in this thread, for now you have a base to analyze your situation a bit more clearly.

Still praying for you …

Carole

 

[Lexee15]

Joysong:

Hi Lexee,

Oh my dear sister — do you see what I see from your words? It may have done some good for you to write out your thoughts in this thread, for now you have a base to analyze your situation a bit more clearly.

Still praying for you …

Carole

I see what you are talking about, believe me I have seen the situation clearly, and no doubt I may have made a mistake in marrying this man. The question is what do I do with what I have now, or the situation I am in now. Do I try and make the best of a really bad situation or do I pack my bags and bail? How long do I try, what is a correct time frame? This is where I find myself now. Regretting gets me nowhere now, I trust He will let me know when it’s time to throw in the towel.

 

[Joysong]

Dear Lexee,

Do I try and make the best of a really bad situation or do I pack my bags and bail? How long do I try, what is a correct time frame? This is where I find myself now. Regretting gets me nowhere now, I trust He will let me know when it’s time to throw in the towel.

Consider that you prayed on retreat beforehand, and acted in good faith with lots of love and commitment when you married your spouse. I agree, God would not want you to wallow in regret, for He is omnipotent and knows how to bring a greater good out of our choices that missed the mark, albeit through no fault of our own.

I feel inadequate to answer, for I think this is something to share with your confessor and counsellor. Meanwhile, we are always called by God to love those whom He has placed in our life, and you cannot fail to please Him by doing this, even if your choice of the most loving thing is in error. He looks at the intent in our heart.

In other words, knowing the full truth about your difficult situation, does not warrant despising your husband and treating him with disdain because of his problems. If God calls you to leave some day, He will always prepare the way to provide for you, even though you cannot foresee *how *at this time. I am in awe of His wonderful providence, far above anything we can imagine.

When I left my home, God led me to a new dwelling on a street called “Thanksgiving” and helped me to purchase a mobile home that I used to supplement my income as a rental. It was located on “Independence.” Symbolic, no? He speaks to us even through street names! Joy!

Peace, peace, peace, Lexee,
and allow God to give you joy in your circumstances!

Carole

 

[Lexee15]

Joysong:

When I left my home, God led me to a new dwelling on a street called “Thanksgiving” and helped me to purchase a mobile home that I used to supplement my income as a rental. It was located on “Independence.” Symbolic, no? He speaks to us even through street names! Joy!

I’m so glad for you, you are doing well now…other than the everyday problems we have? How long have you been separated/divorced? I only hope that He grants me the same, the ability to know when it’s time to go. I ask for the patience and joy to live my life the way He wants me to without becoming bitter and angry about my situation…I don’t want that, that’s the biggest reason I ask him to give me the wisdom to know when to walk away if I’m not here to help those around me reach Him. If I’m not here for the good then please Lord…give me the strength to walk away and go where I will do good. Thank you Carole for all of your words of wisdom, I don’t know what I’d do if this means of communication wasn’t available.

Peace, peace, peace, Lexee,
and allow God to give you joy in your circumstances!

God willing

 

[Lexee15]

I’m not sure what to make of this comment made by my husband a couple of days ago. We were talking and he was mentioning how a coworker seemed to be afraid of his wife, that he didn’t think it was right. That whenever she called he would get nervous if she got upset with him etc. My husband seemed to be really irritated, and I said well there is nothing wrong if he is afraid of her, but maybe it’s not that he just doesn’t like upsetting her. He said that his coworker acted as though he ruled the roost, but as he was seeing it his wife ruled the roost, and commented on how he shouldn’t protray someone he’s not, I told him he was right and he shouldn’t protray himself as a good, faithful, family man when he’s not . He igonored the comment, I said it’s better to pretend to be a jerk but really be a good guy than to protray to be a good guy and actually be an a****** . He ignored that also, like it didn’t pertain to him.
He kept saying that being afraid of your wife was not the way to have a good marriage, and I told him that if it worked for them to leave him alone, I said, besides he’s probably not afraid of her he’s afraid of losing a good thing, his wife, his sons, his home…his family. He has a good thing going and she’s a good woman, why wouldn’t he want to keep her happy and not upset her…why does it bother you so much? He then said I’m not afraid of losing everything, I’m not afraid to start all over again, with no money etc.
I began to think about that, just like he gambles at the casino, he gambles with his life, he’s not afraid to lose any of it, the money or his family. What do you all think, but my interpretation of this is not that he’s not afraid to lose everything it’s that he values nothing :banghead:. He doesn’t care to lose me or the baby because we are of no value to him.
When you value something…when it’s important to you you don’t want to lose it, and yes you’re afraid to lose it, but if it has no value in your eyes or in your heart then it doesn’t matter whether you have it or not. He has said things like this before, but I had never really analyzed what he was saying, I always took it as a reference to his work/career/job because that was always what we were talking about at the time, but now that I’ve analyzed it from a personal perspective I realize that that attitude applies to all aspects of his life. That’s why it so easy for him to walk away from his children, his mother, his siblings and me, his wife. We hold no value for him.
Maybe I should lose faith, I’m beginning to think he’s a lost cause, and if he doesn’t care whether we’re here or not why should I waste my time, my energy, my joy on someone who doesn’t value any of it.
Unfortunately, my son loves him, even before he was born he went crazy whenever he heard his voice. But, he prefers to gamble or drink than spend time with his son…why because he has no value for him. It’s really sad and I can’t help but to shed a few tears about it. Have I made the wrong or correct assessment about this?

 

[Traditional_Ang]

Lexee15:

You know if I was just dealing with the drinking and the gambling I think I could somehow try and stick it out without as much anxiety as comes with the adultry. If he doesn’t want to be here or be with us why doesn’t he just leave? I am certainly not going to hold him back, or beg him to stay. It’s sad because, like I said before, if he died today he would have alot to answer for, perhaps losing his salvation, out of all that’s happened this is the saddest thing of all. He doesn’t need to get right with me, his kids, his family or anyone else…he needs to get right with God, if he just did that he would be able to get right with everyone else around him.

Lexee15:

I’m trying to read everything, but all that’s happening is that I’m becoming upset. I just don’t see how the situation can continue without significant psychological damage to everyone in your family.

Are you talking with a Priest or with some other professional? Are you going to weekly confession and the annointing of the sick and daily communion so that, at least, you have all the graces the Church can give you to help you deal with this situation.

I believe that Joysong suggested talking to a professional, and I’d like to second that notion. At the same time, I’d like to second the suggestion of going to AL-ANON.

I believe that these will provide balance and perspective that will allow you to begin to do the things you need to do.

I just don’t see how the present situation can continue withut something really bad happening.

Please get some help, preferably from a staunch Catholic or from a priest, and preferably from someone who’s gone through what you’re going through or who’s helped people who were going through what you’re experiencing.

You’re not alone.

I hope this helps.

In Christ, Michael