Losing relationships because of conversion

[MerryHeart]

I converted to Catholicism 2 yrs ago. I knew my family would need some time to adjust to the idea. My grandmother and aunts have been great at treating me the same. My mother has been giving me the silent treatment or standard replies (near-silence) since I told her we were in RCIA classes.

I’ve shared what I could in hopes of helping her feel more comfortable. I gave her a Scott Hahn testimony CD which she probably never listened to. Told her that I don’t need her to agree with me. I don’t have any desire to convince her to convert. I just want to be treated like a daughter and not a Catholic.

This week I point blank asked her if we could have a relationship if I never go back to being Protestant and I don’t agree with her on points of theology. She avoided the question. I asked several more times as she chose to instead blame and belittle me. So basically, no we can’t have a relationship if I remain Catholic.

I’m kinda raw now. Part of me is relieved that I don’t have to continue to make efforts with someone who has been incredibly emotionally abusive to me. Part of me is incredibly hurt that my own mother doesn’t love me for me and only for if I do what she expects of me.

Any recommendations for how to proceed from here? Not sure if I should consider therapy or prayer or both? Is there a saint helpful in these kind of situations? Just trying to figure out how to move forward.

 

[SecretCatholic]

Maybe it wouldn’t help, but it couldn’t hurt to remind her that that’s not what Christ wants. Even if she sees you as committing some kind of sin it doesn’t justify the treatment.

 

[Ohana]

Counseling might help if you can find someone who has a Catholic perspective. They would be less likely to be disturbing to your growing faith, while also helping you become clearer about your family situation. It sounds difficult.

I would also urge you to lay this ache at the foot of the Cross. Jesus surely knew rejection, disdain, and abandonment as we all recall during this Holy Week. He joins us most completely in our humanity and we can have confidence in His love and understanding. Our Blessed Mother is also a source of great comfort and help. She will take your needs to Christ, who refuses her nothing. She always brings us closer to Jesus. She will help to resolve this situation with your mother - it may take time, but in the meantime, you do have a Mother who understands and loves you.

God Bless you dear. I will pray for healing of this relationship also.

 

[Edmundus1581]

I’m kinda raw now. Part of me is relieved that I don’t have to continue to make efforts with someone who has been incredibly emotionally abusive to me. Part of me is incredibly hurt that my own mother doesn’t love me for me and only for if I do what she expects of me.

You expressed your current position very well. Having such a good understanding of the situation goes a long way to managing it.

My ex-wife converted to Catholicism while we were engaged and her parents were livid. My impression was that while they verbally raged against the theological issues, they were really just furious that their daughter had, in their mind, defied them and split from the family theological line (theology was very important to them). We asked our parish priest for advice and he said that he’d seen this before and that they would come around soon and we’d be closer than before. Wrong!!! They had a vast capacity to hold a grudge and, over the ten years of our marriage, niggled us about Catholicism and overtly excluded us from the family (eg. always “too busy” to see us, but not too busy to have get-togethers with other children, and their parish friends).

My wife never got used to the rejection by her parents and family, but she, for her part also made the mistake of letting it interfere with our relationship. I always wanted her to just say “Well, if they want to exclude us, then so be it. We’ve got our own life”.

When you said “we were in RCIA classes” are you referring to yourself and your husband? If so then I suggest that you be prepared for this rejection to be a long term thing, but don’t let it get to you. Whether it’s short or long term, your mother has made her stand. It’s not up to you to chase her.

“Blessed are you when all men persecute you, and revile you, and speak all evil against you falsely on account of the Son of Man.”

 

[Dorothy]

After reading your post the first thing that came to me was the scripture “I have come to bring a sword, not peace.” And then our Lord went on to tell about setting family members at odds with one another.

The point of that scripture is that our Lord is number one in our lives, and we cannot ever put that aside in order to make another person feel better. (I know you aren’t doing that!) Jesus first in all things! When I reverted to my faith my husband was upset with me and harassed me about it for many years. With the support of faith-filled friends I prayed much and treated him kindly. He finally came around after many years, and returned to the sacraments. It was wonderful for all in the family to see. He died peacefully a few months after that.

Just pray for her and offer up the pain you feel because you are rejected. Be at peace for making the right choice You have the Lord and His truth on your side.

 

[holyrood]

What is your mother’s faith?

Has she been emotionally abusive all your life?

 

[Sunbreak]

It’s unfortunate that your mother feels that way. You can pray for her. She doesn’t have the right to control your choices. It would be the same if she wanted you to be a doctor and then wouldn’t have anything to do with you because you didn’t follow the plan and became a plumber instead.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

I think about the early Christians who were ridiculed and attacked because of their new faith---- some even shed their blood for it. Our problems related to converting are fairly minimal compared to theirs.

Christ suffered ----- we must imitate his suffering with love and patience and forgiveness.

 

[iepuras]

I’m sorry to hear about your struggles with your mother. It is awful that her love for you is conditional. I can relate. I left the Mormon church about a year and a half ago and will be coming into the Church this Easter. I have struggled with my parents, especially my mother, and we are currently estranged.

It wasn’t so much that I am becoming Catholic but because I left the Mormon church. She saw my rejection of the Mormon church and its truth claims as a rejection of her. She took it personally. She saw herself as a failure as a mother because she “didn’t give me enough spiritual experiences as a child” to remain faithful.

My mother ultimately violated our trust by teaching our young children Mormonism behind our backs and against our express wishes and then lied about doing it. So we cut off a relationship. Our family is so much happier and at peace without my mother’s controlling and emotional abuse. At first, it hurt tremendously. I understand why but it is no excuse for her bad behavior. I am doing much better now. Rely on the love of Mary and Jesus. They love you unconditionally.

 

[ClearWater]

I converted to Catholicism 2 yrs ago. I knew my family would need some time to adjust to the idea. My grandmother and aunts have been great at treating me the same. My mother has been giving me the silent treatment or standard replies (near-silence) since I told her we were in RCIA classes.

I’ve shared what I could in hopes of helping her feel more comfortable. I gave her a Scott Hahn testimony CD which she probably never listened to. Told her that I don’t need her to agree with me. I don’t have any desire to convince her to convert. I just want to be treated like a daughter and not a Catholic.

This week I point blank asked her if we could have a relationship if I never go back to being Protestant and I don’t agree with her on points of theology. She avoided the question. I asked several more times as she chose to instead blame and belittle me. So basically, no we can’t have a relationship if I remain Catholic.

I’m kinda raw now. Part of me is relieved that I don’t have to continue to make efforts with someone who has been incredibly emotionally abusive to me. Part of me is incredibly hurt that my own mother doesn’t love me for me and only for if I do what she expects of me.

Any recommendations for how to proceed from here? Not sure if I should consider therapy or prayer or both? Is there a saint helpful in these kind of situations? Just trying to figure out how to move forward.

You could try individual counseling. Catholic Social Services has Catholic counselors. Other places have Catholic counselors or ones that, though not Catholic, might be able to be of help, even so.

It’s hard to lose one’s family over matters of religion. It probably would be good to have at least some support during this time.

In my family, we have had huge rifts over matters of faith to a point sometimes, we’ve gone years at a time without speaking. In my family, we have Catholic, Church of God, Jewish, Born Again, Baptist, and Assembly of God.

How we have sometimes learned to handle it is when religion becomes problematic, we have called a truce where we will not discuss religion. We’ve done similar things with politics, as well, especially around election time.

If someone brings these subjects up, one of my sisters has acted as a mediator and will gently remind the person, “Remember…so and so…that we agreed we would not discuss…religion/politics”.

I had one of my brothers say that they preferred not to discuss these topics, because they wanted everyone to have a good time.

Now, it sounds like your family isn’t even ready for the truce, yet, might take some years of not speaking and visiting before they finally “see the light” if they ever do.

If I were in that situation, I’d probably just avoid your mother for the time being, since interaction would only be abusive and uncomfortable, until there is some kind of openness to change, but that’s just me.

Of course, prayer also never hurts.

 

[chefmomster2]

I converted to Catholicism 2 yrs ago. I knew my family would need some time to adjust to the idea. My grandmother and aunts have been great at treating me the same. My mother has been giving me the silent treatment or standard replies (near-silence) since I told her we were in RCIA classes.

I’ve shared what I could in hopes of helping her feel more comfortable. I gave her a Scott Hahn testimony CD which she probably never listened to. Told her that I don’t need her to agree with me. I don’t have any desire to convince her to convert. I just want to be treated like a daughter and not a Catholic.

This week I point blank asked her if we could have a relationship if I never go back to being Protestant and I don’t agree with her on points of theology. She avoided the question. I asked several more times as she chose to instead blame and belittle me. So basically, no we can’t have a relationship if I remain Catholic.

I’m kinda raw now. Part of me is relieved that I don’t have to continue to make efforts with someone who has been incredibly emotionally abusive to me. Part of me is incredibly hurt that my own mother doesn’t love me for me and only for if I do what she expects of me.

Any recommendations for how to proceed from here? Not sure if I should consider therapy or prayer or both? Is there a saint helpful in these kind of situations? Just trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’m sorry that your new faith has already given you such a difficult cross to bear. I would say it gets better, but the fact is that being a good Catholic is really hard work. Luckily there’s also great joy, peace, love and meaning.

Your mom is employing the age old technique of emotional blackmail. What makes it tough is that there is only one way to get it to stop and it’s a long process.

First, pray for yourself, but especially for her. I am sure she is really hurting and perhaps she believes she did a poor job of instilling her faith in you. Pray that God will soften her heart.

Now here’s the hard part…

Ignore it! From now forward treat her exactly like you would have before this happened. Call her like you always have, speak to her in a loving way. Do nothing that reveals your pain. (You can make this a prayer. Ask God to accept your suffering as a testament of your faith.)
If she speaks to you in an unkind way, just be silent. Don’t ever return her unkindness with your own.

Most of all, stop explaining, stop begging, stop trying to change her mind. Just let it go and let God. In other words, put it in His hands and let Him deal with it in His magnificent way.

If you don’t already know it, learn the serenity prayer. It is a beautiful prayer and it will help to ponder it when you’re hurting or she is difficult.

This only works if you never give in. Live each day as the loving daughter you are and with the charity God would want you to have. You’d have to do that even if things got better tomorrow! You’re not giving up, you’re turning it over to God and trusting Him!

I will keep you in my prayers. I am so proud of your tremendous courage and love!

 

[MerryHeart]

What is your mother’s faith?

Has she been emotionally abusive all your life?

She is Southern Baptist. It wasn’t quite as bad as children. I have had to struggle to stay out of her control even after getting married. This has been a regular cycle as an adult. If I am a good child, all is well. If I am not, she withholds affection. Although my husband noted that she isn’t very affectionate anyhow.

Tonight she said that she forgives me even though she doesn’t feel like it. Which isn’t really forgiveness because there is never any moving forward. And forgiveness for what I don’t know.

Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts. I think I will call Catholic Social Services and see if they can recommend a counselor.

This is kinda good timing now that I think about it. I can really emotionally put myself with Jesus at the cross. I can allow this hurt to be a crucifixion so to speak and look forward to a resurrection.

 

[cheese_sdc]

I converted to Catholicism 2 yrs ago.

…

Any recommendations for how to proceed from here? Not sure if I should consider therapy or prayer or both? Is there a saint helpful in these kind of situations? Just trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’m in the same boat, except my mother and family is Catholic, and I converted to Humanist/Pagan/Non-Christian Unitarian Universalist.

I eventually just gave up and I’m cutting off just about all contact with my family. I got tired of the silent treatment, the sideways comments, and the outright hurtful behavior on the part of my brother and my parents.

Yeah. It hurts. But I’ll make new family.

 

[Captain_America]

I’m in the same boat, except my mother and family is Catholic, and I converted to Humanist/Pagan/Non-Christian Unitarian Universalist.

I eventually just gave up and I’m cutting off just about all contact with my family. I got tired of the silent treatment, the sideways comments, and the outright hurtful behavior on the part of my brother and my parents.

Yeah. It hurts. But I’ll make new family.

I can appreciate your parents’ concerns. Your stuff sounds like subjectivism in extremis.

re: OP, I find it always interesting that the bulk of these situations come from when someone leaves Protestantism for Catholicism; Catholics who become Protestant typically don’t get such harsh treatment. Disappointment, mostly.

 

[cheese_sdc]

I can appreciate your parents’ concerns.

I don’t know why I expected anything else. You can lead a horse to water…

Your stuff sounds like subjectivism in extremis.

Not sure I understand what “subjectivism in extremis” means.

 

[cheese_sdc]

I can appreciate your parents’ concerns. Your stuff sounds like subjectivism in extremis.

re: OP, I find it always interesting that the bulk of these situations come from when someone leaves Protestantism for Catholicism; **Catholics who become Protestant typically don’t get such harsh treatment. **Disappointment, mostly.

Hahahahaha! Did you even read my post?

Back to the OP’s question: Your family isn’t going to change, and don’t expect them to.

Be authentic to your own Self and Choices - that’s the only freedom that you have. I wouldn’t try to convert them or even convince them of the validity of your new faith. They either accept you or they don’t.