Dermot, never having been in a similar situation, my perspective may be totally askew or it may be helpful but here goes:
You sound like you’re conscientious and also concerned about what people might think. Being conscientious is good - allowing your decisions to be shaped by other people’s disapproval, is not good.
Unhappiness is not a good state in which to make sound, major decisions. Could you be clinically depressed? See what your doctor thinks; if necessary, get that part sorted out
before you take further steps to turn your life around.
One important thing to remember is that happiness is a decision that comes from within. I hated hearing that at the low points in my life, so I hope you’ll take this advice in the spirit it’s given. The reason it’s important to acknowledge this is because without asserting control over our own happiness, it will remain subject to external factors and therefore always be fleeting and elusive.
Put another way, happiness is real and lasting only when it comes from within and is not dependent on life situations.
Once your mood is stabilized through professional help, prayer, family support in whatever combination you choose, then look at other things.
You may wonder how this could happen if you remain in the same situation, but remember we’re proceeding on the assumption that your environment is not in control - you are. Since you have been in this situation a long time and since the abuse part is in the past according to what I’ve read in your post, this course might be preferable to making major decisions in a state of emotional distress.
Once you’re feeling less depressed, you may have a new or clearer perspective. To begin with, focus on yourself - not your husband; in such a situation, this is not a selfish choice but a sensible one. Your yesterdays might seem less wasted if your todays seemed worthwhile. What are your interests, passions, talents? Find ways to use them? Wish you had a child? Maybe you’d like to volunteer at a place where you’d have contact with kids or even mentor one. Join a group or club that matches your interests. Dive deep into your parish life…
Once you’re feeling better and getting involved in things you love, automatically one problem will be solved: your life will no longer revolve around the pain and unhappiness of your marriage. That would be a good time to turn your attention to hubby.
Decide how you really feel about him. I totally understand your not wanting to leave him alone now that he has MS. By the time you get to this stage, there’ll have been some reaction from him to the changes in you. Use that reaction to help guide your decisions.
There probably are only two compassionate choices that a conscientious person such as you could live with:
- Get the marriage annulled while letting him know that you will be there for him if his health requires it, to the extent that you are able. If he’s unwilling to accept that, you are not responsible because it’s an offer over and beyond the call of duty anyway. By the time you get to this stage you will have regained a much clearer sense of what you are and are not responsible for with regards to other people.
- Stay, if you think it’s worth a try and if he is willing to make an attempt at a real marriage but get a priest’s advice on the validity question and what can be done to correct it. The only promising indications in your posts that your husband may be open to change are the cessation of abuse and the fact that he has a serious illness, something that often draws the hard-hearted to God.
Don’t expect either decision to be easy, which is why I don’t recommend attempting them in your present state. Whatever you decide, you
must relinquish two things: guilt over your decision and regret about the past. Those two are sure to spoil any recipe for happiness. Whatever’s past is water under the bridge, place that in God’s hands and make your present count.
Be sure that I’ll pray for you.
