I understand this quite well. Especially the Spiritually tired aspect.
What I have discovered is that this can sometimes occur because we “try too hard”.
We try too hard because we want so desperately to be near to God.
And yet - our very effort becomes a barrier becuase we are trying too hard to control things (in my case) or because we are fighting against some personal demon like depression and self esteem issues (like in your case).
You are absolutely right. It IS a BIG hinderance.
The solution is as deceptively simple in see in principle as it is difficult to put in action.
That is - Letting go - accepting ourselves - and giving ourselves over to God. Resting in God’s Love - even when we don’t necessarily feel it, and letting God’s Love come to us.
So - Dear one. Even though you do not feel greatful for your existance, can you accept it as God’s Will? Can you accept that God does want you to exist? Can you simply and humbly say to God:
“Father I don’t know why you created me, for I am a poor and unworthy servant, but I accept that you do not create life for no purpose. I therefore accept that there is some purpose for my existance, though it’s meaning elludes me. Take, therefore, the existance of this your unworthy servant and turn it to your glory.
May my hands always do your will
May my thoughts always please you
May my activities always give glory to your name.
May my sufferings benefit those in the gravest need.
Heavenly Father, I have no strength in these things and rely entirely on your Love and grace, even when I do not feel them. Therefore most Loving Father, when I am weak, lost, and at my wits end, please, just don’t let go of me. Hold me in your Loving arms and let me rest.
Amen”
May the above be of comfort to you as it is to me.
Peace
James