Lust with my boyfriend

[SomeCatholicGuy]

This is the 3rd time now where I found out that my boyfriend has said something very lustful to another women. Last year after 6 months of dating this girl over facebook started flirting with him and he was saying very innapropriate comments about her chest, I found out about it that day, and then about 3 months ago my boyfriend agreed to let a girl flash him (but apparently he realized what he was doing and didnt go thru with it) and now I just found that he commented on this video on youtube, from last year (while we were together) and he also commented on a womens chest. I am very hurt and I dont know if my boyfriend is taking advantage of me forgiving him the first 2 times. We are both catholic and we go to church every weekend together, and we’ve been together for a year and 3 months, but I feel as maybe he’s keeping things away from me and im losing trust in him? advice is greatly appreciated!

God bless.

I don’t want to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I do want to point out, however, that these are the times that you know about; there could very well be many other times that you do not know about. Personally, I would never make comments like that about any woman, because I know better. Really, it’s rather disrespectful to make comments like that to women, and if that’s any reflection of how he views you as a woman, it doesn’t bode well. I think you’ve made it plenty clear to him that this behavior is hurtful to you, and if he keeps doing that, it shows that he doesn’t care about how you feel. Is this what you really want in a boyfriend or a future husband? Personally, I think you deserve better, but ultimately, only you can be the judge of that. In any case, I wish you the best.

 

[Joseph629]

Stefina, we just had the gospel a couple of days ago: “Whoever looks at a woman lustfully is committing adultery”. You ara a Catholic (appearing to be faithful) and you’re dating a guy with problems. This is not the type of issue that a young 20something woman should have to be dealing with before you’re even married. Your current relationship is not a peaceful one, nor does it appear to be a holy one -(aplogies for making that judgement)-.

Honey (as I call my two 20+ daughters) I’ve been around a long time, and have seen this over and again. Drop him, move on, and find a good young man that will treat you with love and respect, and with that you can think about marriage.

You said: “When he comes home from work”. If you’re living together (even without sex), -that’s not spritually healthy either. Move on Stefina. And pray, -God will lead you in the next step(s) of your life, and you’ll save yourself a LOT of pain.

 

[jwashu]

This is the 3rd time now where I found out that my boyfriend has said something very lustful to another women. Last year after 6 months of dating this girl over facebook started flirting with him and he was saying very innapropriate comments about her chest, I found out about it that day, and then about 3 months ago my boyfriend agreed to let a girl flash him (but apparently he realized what he was doing and didnt go thru with it) and now I just found that he commented on this video on youtube, from last year (while we were together) and he also commented on a womens chest. I am very hurt and I dont know if my boyfriend is taking advantage of me forgiving him the first 2 times. We are both catholic and we go to church every weekend together, and we’ve been together for a year and 3 months, but I feel as maybe he’s keeping things away from me and im losing trust in him? advice is greatly appreciated!

God bless.

He made an aesthetic comment about the size of a few different woman’s breasts… I’m not seeing a problem here. I make comments like that as does my wife, especially if they look like they have been “enhanced” artificially. It’s not a lust thing, it’s like noticing that someone has big feet, no hair (like me) etc…

You are worrying to much, guys are going to make comments like that. It is NOT a negative thing against you or someone wishing for something different. It’s just a comment. It’s not even sinful. Things pop into our head all the time, we notice things and may make positive or negative comments.

If we dwell or fantasize about it… then there IS a problem which would probably even be a mortal sin right? From your note that doesn’t sound like that is the case though.

Remember they are just breasts. American boys seems to giggle over them a bunch when they are young, I’m not sure it’s the same in Europe because society doesn’t make such a big deal about them.

If that is the worst your BF does, sounds like you have a keeper to me.

Joe

 

[BrokenFortress]

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with the previous poster. I think it’s disrespectful to comment on another woman’s breast size. And I also don’t think it’s okay to say these things to other women when you are already in a relationship with a woman.

So, if it’s okay for a man to comment on another woman’s breast size, would it be okay for a woman to comment on the bulge in a man’s pants? Not meaning to be rude or anything, but I think that there needs to be some modesty, and commenting on another woman’s breasts is not appropriate in my opinion.

Sure, in European countries they are more open with women bearing their chests, but I don’t necessarily think that’s a good thing. Really depends on how you look at it I suppose. Where’s the modesty when walking around like that at the beach? I really think that there are some parts of the body that should only be seen by the spouse, and I (and others I assume) would consider the breasts as something that is meant for your spouse alone to see. Obviously those who are fine with the bare chest at the beach will disagree with me, but I think that it’s best to be conservative, and it’s like all other things where things will eventually become more liberal, which is not always a good thing.

 

[organdy]

This advice:

I would suggest you forgive him as often as you yourself want to be forgiven by God.

is completely insane. By that logic, a woman should stay with a boyfriend who kills her dog and burns down her house.

As for the question… You definitely have a lot of talking and trust building to do before you should consider getting engaged. It’s funny that you lump the facebook and youtube stuff together, because to me, looking at a video on youtube and noticing her body and leaving an anonymous comment is tacky and immature - but not anywhere close to cheating. Whereas - to me - exchanging sexy messages with an actual woman on facebook is a kind of infidelity.

 

[musicality]

This advice:

is completely insane. By that logic, a woman should stay with a boyfriend who kills her dog and burns down her house.

As for the question… You definitely have a lot of talking and trust building to do before you should consider getting engaged. It’s funny that you lump the facebook and youtube stuff together, because to me, looking at a video on youtube and noticing her body and leaving an anonymous comment is tacky and immature - but not anywhere close to cheating. Whereas - to me - exchanging sexy messages with an actual woman on facebook is a kind of infidelity.

I’d just like to point out, that forgiveness in a situation like this does not mean that a woman needs to keep a relationship–forgiveness is separate from other choices/actions.

 

[jwashu]

How do some of you people define lust? I’m seriously concerned most of the people are giving this young women the wrong advice… Noticing something is NOT lusting after…

Even if he was Joseph, the Gospel you are referring to is not to be taken exactly literally no more than “Call no man Father” is…

People make mistakes, people notice things. The OP has talked about his this person treats her well but notices (I know she called it lust the first time) someone’s breast 3… count them 3 times in a year and a half.

I truly wonder sometimes if some of the posters on this board live in reality or if their expectations of others are so high that no one can ever live up to them.

Stef, it sounds to me like you have a pretty good guy there. Realize he is a guy, he is human and will make mistakes. A comment on YouTube from last year is bothering you? Frankly this may seem harsh but I don’t see there is anything to forgive either rather I believe you are overreacting. Many on this board will disagree but let them.

I’ve been happily married for almost 15 years, have 4 sons and still take calls from old friends and GFs that need relationship advice (when I have time - don’t want to neglect my wife of course). Take it for what it’s worth but I’m telling you if you that you can’t let little things like this bother you - there are much bigger issues to deal with relationship wise.

If someone continually lies to you, cheats, hits etc… they aren’t worth it and I say move on you definitely deserve better than that. But you state that you have a young Catholic man who attends Mass with you and has been committed to you for over a year and loves you right? the worse thing he does is happen to make a couple of comments about some breasts… I just don’t see the problem nor do I see that as being disrespectful. I know my wife and none of my friends wives (Catholic or not) would see it that way either…

 

[jwashu]

So, if it’s okay for a man to comment on another woman’s breast size, would it be okay for a woman to comment on the bulge in a man’s pants? Not meaning to be rude or anything, but I think that there needs to be some modesty, and commenting on another woman’s breasts is not appropriate in my opinion.

Of course there needs to some modisty but sometimes you just have to laugh about it IMHO. And yea, I know my wife and I have both laughed at some obviously stuff / large budges on TV before… and it didn’t hurt my psyche one single bit

 

[Rascalking]

There is a huge difference between wandering eyes and wandering hands.

We’re all human, and we all have sometimes biological glances. One of best virtues is to control them, but no one should castigate themselves for once in a great while having your head turn, nod, then move on at the sight of the an attractive person. It’s one thing to glance and look, it’s another to engage in porno, stuff like that.

 

[VanillaBean]

*Forgiveness doesn’t mean that a girl has to stay with a guy who is dishonest, and lustful. She can forgive and still let go of an unhealthy relationship. *

agreed…I was in an unhealthy relationship similar to this, also with a fellow Catholic who went to confession EVERY weekend, said a daily rosary, etc. Yet we still managed to struggle with purity. I was sick of it, I felt like I was always the only one fighting against lust…I was always the one to say “no, that’s enough…goodnight”.

I forgave and forgave and forgave…until in confession a priest told me that forgiveness does not prevent you from removing yourself from a bad situation. You can forgive him while also leaving him. Honestly, it might teach him a lesson, and his future wife will be grateful.

 

[BrokenFortress]

I guess my point was that I think a glance at someone walking by is different than saying or writing a comment to someone that you know. I think that’s taking it too far.

 

[stefina]

I just wanted to update everyone and say please keep me and my boyfriends relationship in your prayers… we’ve talked about it a lot and I do love him very much and do believe I am suppose to marry this man. I am positive he is not lustful anymore, I just happened to find this out the other day, but it was something that was done a year ago, even though its hurtful I know he’s changing into a better holy person. This is going to take prayer and time but im willing to make this work, I love this man so very much and I know he’s changing everyday to be with me and not offend God anymore. I know I am not perfect myself and I have made stupid choices aswell. I truely believe my boyfriend isnt like this anymore cause I can tell the difference. Me and my boyfriend go so well together and I will go to our priest and talk about it as I think I will feel even better. Once again thanks everyone for your prayers and please continue to pray, thank you very much and God bless you.

 

[jwashu]

I guess my point was that I think a glance at someone walking by is different than saying or writing a comment to someone that you know. I think that’s taking it too far.

Quite possibly. I know that when some friends of ours got “enhancements” I made a positive comment (I believe my wife was with me) because they are our friends and I know they spent a whole bunch of cash… why I don’t know, I guess it’s a secular thing.

After breastfeeding 4 children we, well my wife, may actually need to have a reduction. I hope that people make positive comments if we shell out a bunch of cash. Of course there is a difference doing it to help back problems vs aesthetics alone… at least IMHO.

I definitely see your point though. I thought however that we the person who was going to flash him and he did not go through with it. Maybe I misread the post…

Joe

 

[cephas161619]

pray about things. Listen for God’s voice in this.

I just wanted to highlight this great advice. God will not leave you alone. From experience, when I’ve ignored the inspiration to leave a relationship, things only got worse. God knows what’s best for us, and he’ll share his plan with us if we’re just willing to listen. Ask for his help even to listen to him. He’ll show you the way.