I am Catholic and am dating someone that is a Lutheran. We have been dating for about 16 months. We’ve struggled from day one with our religious differences, and I knew it was going to be an issue down the road. Now that we are at the point where we feel like we would like to get married at some point in the near future and are right for each other. However, we know have to come to some sort of agreement on our religious differences. I know that some people stay their respective denominations and get married, but we feel like we need to be unified in our beliefs before marriage. Even if we decided that being different denominations was ok, I don’t feel it is fair to him to say we have to raise our children Catholic, when he believes so strongly in his Lutheran faith.
We will not be able to explore each others denominations by going to any classes at each others churches until July (due to living/job situations). He says that he would be willing to become Catholic if he can’t find any dogmas and doctrines that he disagrees with. However, he wants me to be open to becoming Lutheran just as he is being open to possibly becoming Catholic, but I am having a very hard time with this because I feel at home in the Catholic church. He has also stated that if he becomes Catholic, that if later down the road, the Catholic church comes out with a doctrine he does not believe is correct, that he should not be bound by this and so he would possibly have to rethink being Catholic.
I think it would be such a shame to have to end something this good when our denominations are so close in their respective beliefs. However, I don’t want to ruin the rest of my life by marrying someone that I can’t be in complete unity with. I am looking for any wisdom or advice anyone can provide. Thank you!
I only read the first couple of replies, so my apologies if I am repeating something.
To me, from reading your post, it really seems that your faith and denomination is very important to BOTH of you, which is already starting to be a problem and crossroads for you both. You are probably already doing this, but really keep praying over the situation asking God for His guidance. If He means for the two of you to be together, there will be an answer to it and you will both feel at peace with the decision. But if you are still having a difficult time with the decision and feeling unbalanced, then perhaps you both may have to rethink getting married.
I come from a family which has had many interfaith marriages. Usually, though, it was the non-Catholic who wasn’t that into his denomination, whereas the women were very devout Catholics. So, their marriages worked out very well. My grandfather was raised Lutheran, btw, and married my very devout Catholic grandmother. He was not a practicing Lutheran, although had a deep faith in God. He agreed to help raise their six children Catholic and was always there for them when it came time for their sacraments and even for their religion classes. But it wasn’t until shortly before he passed away that he was starting to prepare himself to become a Catholic. He was actually going to start taking RCIA classes before he passed away. We believe that through my grandmother’s consistent and devout faith over the years, it brought him to see how he wanted to also share her faith. It may have never happened had he not married her.
On the opposite end, though, I have seen marriages in my family fail because both were so strong in their spiritual belief system (or lack of spiritual faith) and it caused problems. That wasn’t the only problem, but it added to the fire. One in particular, the wife became a born-again Christian and was constantly trying to “save” her husband. They eventually divorced and it was pretty nasty. I’ve seen spouses trying to convert the other and it never ends pretty unless the spouse gives in. That’s one thing my grandmother never did. She never tried to force her faith on him. She believed in praying for my grandfather and her own faith and actions were to be proof for him - and it worked. It took a while, but sometimes “slow and steady wins the race.” They were perhaps the most in love and devoted couple I knew to the very end. (50+ years of marriage.)
So, I really would sit down with your boyfriend, try to be as honest with yourselves as possible and just lay it out on the table. Pray over it. Faith is very important to both of you. The last thing you want is someone to try to make you be open to converting when you are not interested in it whatsoever. If you can come to a real and honest agreement to allow each other practice each your own faith, it could work. But these decisions really have to be done with a lot of contemplation and prayer - and I’m sure you are both doing that. God bless!
