First, realize that whether you forgive somebody has NOTHING to do with whether that person “deserves” it.
Perhaps there are different shades of meaning of the word “forgiveness,” but the reason one forgives is not that another person “earns” forgiveness, but because unforgiveness eats away at the heart of the one holding a grudge.
If we only were to forgive those who “deserve” forgiveness, what kind of a challenge is that? We wouldn’t need Jesus to show us an example.
For example, let’s look at “forgive them Father for they know not what they do.” Those people did zero to “earn” forgiveness. They were torturing and killing an innocent man in cold blood. They didn’t come to the cross just before Jesus uttered those words and say, “Oh Jesus, we have realized we’ve done a terrible thing … can you see it to forgive us?”
If my brother treats me horribly, than I am still bound to “forgive” him in that I cannot wish him harm or wish he goes to hell because of what he did. I cannot go around “savoring” the idea that “he will get his” someday. Truth be told, I doubt very many people who do wrong ever even acknowledge the wrong, much less ask forgiveness. But our harmful desires prevent us from receiving the gift of peace the Christ came to give us.
Jesus gave us His peace, but not as the world gives. What does that mean? The world can only give us peace by giving us favorable conditions. By definition, then, that peace is “conditional” and lasts only as long as the conditions. The peace Jesus gives does not depend on conditions, and therefore outlasts any good conditions and is in fact, eternal.
If our peace depended on others “coming clean” for us to be able to have peace ourselves, then we would never receive this gift and Christ came here for nothing. If we need somebody to come groveling to us so we can feel right about it, then we have refused His gift and if we consider ourselves Christians and do not forgive we are putting a Halloween mask on Jesus.
That doesn’t mean IMO that we are obligated to let others walk over us. I can say, “I dislike that person and wish to avoid him,” or even, “if that person strikes me one more time I’m going to strike back (turning the other cheek being a slightly different issue IMO)” or even “if that guy needs to be killed to quit killing others, than so be it.” It just means that if we seethe with anger over others’ trespasses, than WE are the ones who suffer. Chances are the people who have wronged us are perfectly at peace with having done so, so our grudges don’t hurt them a bit.
No we don’t have to go say, “I forgive you” to their faces in such a way as to convey nothing is wrong. It’s about what’s in our hearts. We may or may not ever get a chance to actually tell them how hurt we are or reconcile with them, but if we wish them to hell, then we are basically putting ourselves into hell on earth.
Much more to say on this, but I’m glad you brought it up. I’ll leave it at that because I tend to get rather long-winded plus I have quite a bit to do to work on getting Mom’s house cleaned out more before trash and recycling people come by today … gonna move her to Kansas with me it seems. But I will check back here.
One way I have found to “forgive” somebody is to imagine their going before God and trying to answer, “why did you do to my son Alan?” “Why didn’t you listen to him when he was telling you the truth I revealed to him? What possible excuse did you have to steal from him; slander him; etc.?” Then I imagine God sending wolves to tear that person from limb to limb and sometimes I feel a bit of satisfaction, but then followed by pity because you know they can’t explain what they’ve done to God, and God just might do that.
If I wait until everybody who has ever wronged me comes and says, “Alan, I see how wrong I was in doing what I did. Can you see it in your heart to forgive me?” then I may as well accept I will never be able to have the peace of Christ as long as I live, because frankly that’s never going to happen.
Alan
