Maintaining chastity in relationship

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Part of not yielding to temptation is removing oneself from the territory of temptation. Easier said than done, I know, but it is necessary if not getting married soon. Means that the OP needs to never be alone in private with her boyfriend until they marry or they go their separate ways. Staying thatclose to him is just asking for it, the couple will be very vulnerable to temptation there.

At 27, they really should be getting married now and fully committing themselves to working together to create the environment for children. Many married couples have started younger and with less material assets. Don’t have to have expensive rings and an expensive wedding as the ensuing marriage is far more important than how its first day goes. If they succeed, can always celebrate the anniversaries well, can always upgrade the rings down the road. Really no excuse here, she needs him to fish or cut bait asap. At 27, she doesn’t have that many more years to find someone else and go through the process of building a new relationship if she wants children. which I’m sure she does.

If debt is involved, that is trickier, as that can and does inhibit family formation. It’s good he is working at this.

Advice for him as a man: he needs to pray. Pray for the desire to marry this woman without further delay. Pray for the courage to make the definite decision: put the ring on her finger or let her go, don’t leave her hanging there, that is not good.
 
Maryse17 said:

“He is for sure saving. He does not spend frivolously, and has also just taken a second job to put towards savings/ paying off student debts!”

That is a very good sign, then. There are guys who say that the financial situation requires waiting to marry, while at the same making their credit cards smoke with overuse.

Maybe you should ask for a financial deadline, rather than a calendar deadline? For instance, when credit card debt is gone, a car is paid off and student loans are cut down to $10k? You could each have a goal and you yourself could if you thought it necessary also plan to take on more work than usual (for instance in the summer) to pay off your debt and/or save for the wedding and start-up expenses in your new home. He would probabIy really appreciate the effort and I think it would be an excellent pre-marital exercise for you guys to talk about this and practice working through this sort of problem. You could have monthly check-in meetings to report progress. (I am a HUGE fan of the monthly budget meeting for married couples.)

You could also go through a financial course like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University together.

Zzyzx Road said:

“At 27, she doesn’t have that many more years to find someone else and go through the process of building a new relationship if she wants children. which I’m sure she does.”

Right. I would not invest more than one more year into this relationship without a date being set.

And let’s remember that St. Paul said, “It is better to marry than to burn.” He didn’t say, “It is better to finish paying off your student loans before you marry.”
 
Aside from this particular issue (which is temporary), it is going to be really important for your boyfriend to verbalize his decision-making process when you are married to each other and before. It’s no good for either spouse to say, “I have decided blah blah blah,” and then expect the other spouse to say “aye, aye captian!” without any further explanation or discussion. That’s not how happy, effective marriages work. You both need to work very seriously on your communication, as it seems like that is very likely to be a weak point in your relationship (as it is for many people).
 
I think it is good to want to make sure you’re in a secure place before you marry, especially since you may become pregnant sooner than you planned on. But- at some point it’s time to start building your life together, especially if you’re having so much trouble staying chaste. A lot of the time, moving in together after getting married actually is better financially, since you’re sharing household expenses. This is especially true if one or both of you is living on your own, without a roommate currently.

If it truly is “when” that is the question, it seems like you’ve reached a point in your relationship where you either become officially engaged or let it go. Obviously it’s your decision about how long you’re willing to wait around, but as Xantippe pointed out above, if he gets to decide all of these things unilaterally, it doesn’t bode well for a marriage. If he is feeling pressured, then you have to decide whether you’re willing to live with waiting as long as he feels like taking to get there.

Also- I wonder if he really is concerned about providing for a family, or if he is just dragging his feet. If you continue getting close to sex, if you actually end up doing it you might end up with a family whether you’re financially prepared or not.

It just sounds like the two of you are not on the same page, and it would probably be the best thing for you both to have a serious conversation and come up with some concrete goals. Even if you were to become engaged over the next few months, you’d still have at least six months from then, if not longer for marriage prep. You could start building a plan for your finances together instead of him just saying there isn’t enough.
 
Allegra said:
If you want your boyfriend to agree to marry you, there is pretty much nothing you could do that is less productive toward that end than engage in acts with your boyfriend that ought to be reserved for your husband. Haven’t you heard the cow analogy? Why would a man buy the cow if he gets the milk for free? A man who is fine with engageing in physical intimacy with a woman whom he isn’t sure when he wants to marry sounds a little shady.
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amen. in debt already, why add to it in this way?

It’s possible he’s under the impression she wants a big ring and that he has to cough up X months of salary for it before he can propose to her. That’s just marketing, that’s all that is. If one can afford it, fine, but that’s usually not a good idea for most couples just starting out. Inexpensive rings can always be upgraded down the road as an anniversary present.
 
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