Major Problem

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ironman62292

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Im 19 in college and have been with my girlfriend for about 2 1/2 years. Weve been through everything together. She is a faithful person who loves God and her family. I’ve never met such a wonderful person. I love her so much and she loves me.

Here’s the problem, I am discerning a vocation to the priesthood while at the me time struggling with feelings I have for another girl who is also very catholic and wonderful in her own right. A part of me feels tired of my girlfriend. Another part feels like I could never leave her. Then another part feels like I’m called to be a priest. I am so confused I feel as though I’d rather be taken to heaven now than have to suffer through this.

I’m scared to death of leaving her and she feels the same. We are best friends. She has my picture everywhere, my name is in her passwords. She weeps and weeps at the thought of us separating.

I don’t want to break her heart. I don’t want to stop being her friend. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t see myself doing normal jobs. Im meant for more.

Can anyone offer some piece of advice. I’m torn in three directions.
 
It sounds like you are trying to all three situations at once. Take it easy, handle one thing at a time. Don’t rush, because that will only guide you to make a decision you may not always be confertable with.
 
Do pray a lot. Ask God to help you clarify which would be the best dicision for you. I’ll be praying for you hun.
 
Iron,

I’m concerned because it sounds like you’ve had suicidal thoughts. If these thoughts have been persistent, you need to reach out to somebody. I’m serious.

I think, as tactfully as possible, you and your girlfriend should take backwards steps in your relationship. And share your thoughts with a priest, and later, a seminarian.

Pray Psalms 46, 91, and 100.
 
Satan sows confusion, despair, fear and anxiety.
God is the giver of joy, hope, love and faith.

It seems to me that you are trying to do too much at once and trying to please too many people including yourself. The only way to get out of this is to give up your will to the Lord. I mean sincerely do it. Pray everyday - the Rosary, daily Mass, private prayer, scripture. And ask God to do with you what He wills for you. Slowly you will lose all sense of confusion and anxiety - you will forget yourself and lose your worries as you trust in Christ. Things will become clearer and the despair and confusion will go away.
 
I think you should end all romantic relationships for a good chuck of time so that you can learn more about yourself and center your focus on God.
 
First of all, as you get older you will find yourself attracted to any number of women no matter if you are married, priest, religious, whatever. That is natural and you just have to get over it and learn the virtues of perserverence with respect to your particular vocation and detachment with respect to any human relationship.

But, concerning your dilemma: I know many married men who regret not becoming a priest or at least entering a Seminary or Novitiate to determine of such a life would fulfill them. These are all good Catholic men who love their wives and families dearly. However, this question remains in their minds. Sometimes this becomes a serious problem in the marriage. When times are tough they will flee confronting marital problems by immersing themselves in Parish activities or other Godly ventures. Worse, however, is during an arguement a phrase like “I should have become a priest” will be used to harm the spouse. Because of these issues and others I have come to provide the following recommendation.
  1. Tell your girlfriend about these feelings.
  2. Contact a vocation director and explain the situation.
  3. Go to a vocation discernment retreat.
  4. Get a spiritual director who is a priest and tell him your issues.
  5. If after you have done the above (spending plenty of time in spiritual direction) enter the Seminary/Novitiate to see if things fit. Trust me, you will know if they don’t.
  6. Make sure you are including your girlfriend in your developing feelings. If you plan to enter the Seminary/Novitiate have the tough conversation with her about it. This is something you don’t want getting in the way of the relationship. You may just need to get it out of your system.
One of three things will happen. You will break up and you will go on to be a priest/religious, or you will break up and you won’t become a priest/religious, or your relationship will grow and mature with this girl and you two will have come through this time a stronger happier couple.

Pray, pray, pray, and trust in the Lord.
 
Unless you are Zsa Zsa Gabor, you do not have to marry everyone you date.

Another piece of life experience knowledge–It’s easy to break up with an idiot. Much harder to break up with a perfectly nice person who is meant for someone else. 🙂

You’re only 19–cut yourself some slack. I’d say one step at a time. I believe you need to finish college to become a priest anyway, so make that your top priority.

And at your young age, nothing wrong with telling the high school girlfriend that now that you are in college (and presumably separated by distance) that you should both see other people.
 
Phaedra777 said:
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You’re only 19–cut yourself some slack. I’d say one step at a time. I believe you need to finish college to become a priest anyway, so make that your top priority.
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What if you don’t know what to major in, in college?

I really relate with the OP on at least that level. I’m 19 as well, and I can’t see myself entering into the workforce. I have a passion to serve the Church. I’m pretty sure I’m not called to the priesthood. But, still, there’s not like any avenue or path to go down at a public university to put you in a position to advance the Kingdom of God.

Do you have to be a self-supporting adult with a job/ career path to be able to do that?

There are plenty of jobs or careers that I feel I could do. But, I also feel that I don’t want to devote 70%-80% of my effort to a secular career, and only 20% of it to serving God.
 
Pray, pray and pray some more, ask the Holy Spirit for guidence.
Maybe, also write a pros and cons list of your situations, then take a step back and see which one weighs more then the other. Or maybe just step back have some me time to think things trough. It’s usally what I do. At any rate, I’ll pray to the Holy spirit to guide you and for some piece of mind.

God bless

jesus g
 
Thank you everyone. Thank you so much. I am going to the perpetual adoration chapel today for a little while and hen I have a meeting with a priest I know. I feel this gentle nudge telling me to try it out. But the thought of losing this girl is terrifying. I don’t trust other guys with her. I do need to pray more, a lot more. I will keep you all informed. Please pray for me. My suffering is great and my faith is weak.
 
ironman62292 said:
Im 19 in college and have been with my girlfriend for about 2 1/2 years. Weve been through everything together. She is a faithful person who loves God and her family. I’ve never met such a wonderful person. I love her so much and she loves me.

Here’s the problem, I am discerning a vocation to the priesthood while at the me time struggling with feelings I have for another girl who is also very catholic and wonderful in her own right. A part of me feels tired of my girlfriend. Another part feels like I could never leave her. Then another part feels like I’m called to be a priest. I am so confused I feel as though I’d rather be taken to heaven now than have to suffer through this.

This stuck out at me. Are you sure you feelings for your present girlfriend aren’t more along the lines of deep friendship and a reluctance to hurt her rather than romantic love. If you are a deeply feeling person is it possible that you are just afraid to hurt her so much you don’t want to rock the boat suffer the loss of a close friend. The very fact that you have feelings for another girl and seem drawn to a possible vocation raise the question in my mind anyway.

I’m scared to death of leaving her and she feels the same. We are best friends. She has my picture everywhere, my name is in her passwords. She weeps and weeps at the thought of us separating.

*She may sense that there is a parting of the ways and is trying to keep you the only way she knows how.
*
I don’t want to break her heart. I don’t want to stop being her friend. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t see myself doing normal jobs. Im meant for more.

Can anyone offer some piece of advice. I’m torn in three directions.
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I think you’re really too young to know for sure what you want and it sounds like you need to take a break from romance and dating for awhile to fine out. You’re 19 and have plenty of time to make hard decisions. Continuing a relationship you’re not sure about is not fair to your girlfriend. I would ask for a period of separation to find out what you really want. If it’s meant to be with the current girl it will happen if not she should be free to move on.
 
I just don’t know what to do. Everything is falling apart. My girlfriend can’t stop crying. She’s suffering so much because of me, it’s beginning to effect her physically. Please pray for me, I beg you all. I can’t stand to see her this way. I can’t stand to let her go.
 
You do not need to be dating anyone until you get your head screwed on straight. Maybe you want to date this girl, maybe you are tired of her, oh wait, maybe you want to be a priest. But, no, I can’t live without her.

What you need is some serious maturity in your life. Spend time in prayer and discernment. Let this poor girl get on with her life. You are going to be riding this fence for years to come yet. You are only 19. Too young to be involved for 2.5 years with someone.

Perhaps you also need some vocational counseling regarding your idea that you are meant for bigger and grander things than a “normal job”. There is some delusion of grandeur going on there. Saints are those who bring extraordinary things out of the most ordinary and humble of circumstances. Certainly we are all meant for great things by virtue of our baptism in the Lord and our dignity as children of God. The priesthood and marriage are grand, but the grandeur is found in the ordinary rhythm of life and service to others.
 
IronMan…

My OPINION: You do not have to make any decisions right at this moment. If you find yourself wanting to date others, then the right thing is to call off this relationship.

If you feel you might be called to preisthood, you should investigate. Do as suggested and find out what’s REALLY involved. You should do this with ANY career perspective. Don’t just dream about what the job entails LEARN about it, KNOW what you’re in for.

I’ve been a recruiter for years. I can’t tell you how many people want to be “xyz” as they have a certain perception of that job. And it turns out there were job qualities they NEVER suspected. Things they HATE! People tend to glamorize the unknown.

Like this other girl, she’s unfamiliar. She’s pretty, funny, has her faith… you have no idea if she snaps her gum in a way that will drive you to the moon, for example. She’s “greener grass” so to speak. And although you may not be looking for greener grass, their it presents itself. You’re 19. This does not make you a bad person, or a person always in search of something bigger and better. It makes you fairly normal. You’re just setting out. It’s uncommon to be all figured by now. The thing is, it’s generally NOT greener grass. It’s just the way it looks from your side of the fence with the sun shining just so.

Tell your girlfriend you need to cool things off. You can’t be thinking of marriage or anything right now, as you have no idea who you really are. It’s not so much you don’t love her, or really want to break up. However, you’re concerned about all these things that you are drawn to. You can not easily step into a fruitful marriage with her, if you still doubt who you are.

Realize you can still do much within your church and STILL be married. (obviously not a priest), but perhaps a deacon some day. Go do some SERIOUS research. If you find you are STILL drawn to pursue this career, you know what you will have to do.
Semper_Zelare said:
What if you don’t know what to major in, in college?

I really relate with the OP on at least that level. I’m 19 as well, and I can’t see myself entering into the workforce. I have a passion to serve the Church. I’m pretty sure I’m not called to the priesthood. But, still, there’s not like any avenue or path to go down at a public university to put you in a position to advance the Kingdom of God.

Do you have to be a self-supporting adult with a job/ career path to be able to do that?

There are plenty of jobs or careers that I feel I could do. But, I also feel that I don’t want to devote 70%-80% of my effort to a secular career, and only 20% of it to serving God.
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Again, if you think you might want to be a priest, then INVESTIGATE… do yourself the favor of learning all the ins and outs. No what it REALLY means beyond what we all see on our side of the fence.

If you decide on college… GET YOUR General Ed. out of the way. Perhaps just go to a JC. If you have to declare a major, declare something you’re interested in. You can generally change your major mid way. Just make sure you don’t lose 2 or 3 years worth of education. Take the classes that transfer to another degree.

And this is just me, DO NOT let your parents or your friends tell you what you should be. I feel this was my BIGGEST mistake in college. I majored in a field that I would be good at, but only sort of liked. I did well. I hired out well. I really feel I missed the boat on careers that I REALLY wanted. I’m 40, and still would rather have done XYZ. I won’t go back to school right now. I have young children. I utilize my skills in a way that keeps $$ rolling. Life is actually quite good. But yes, there are days… I wish I had!!!

I’m happy to share more on this. It’s a bit of a passion of mine to help young kids (although I’m not a counselor or anything, just a recruiter) really think through WHO they want to be when they grow up! This IS something we can continue to work on through our lives.

Right now, I just want to be a really good mom!
 
ironman62292 said:
I just don’t know what to do. Everything is falling apart. My girlfriend can’t stop crying. She’s suffering so much because of me, it’s beginning to effect her physically. Please pray for me, I beg you all. I can’t stand to see her this way. I can’t stand to let her go.
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Have you two been making romantic promises to each other all this time? Have you been going along with her in fantasies of marriage, children, etc.? Or have you been establishing those fantasies?

And excuse me for asking this, but have you two been intimate with each other? That is a very powerful bonding that is going to cause a lot of pain to rip apart, which is one reason why people should never have premarital sex. Not that you can’t bond strongly without having sex, but it doesn’t help to have that super-glue already hardened when it’s time to break up.

Does she know about your other interest - the other girl? Did you tell her that? I hope not.

Are you being honest with yourself and her? Are you saying you are interested in a vocation so you can get free and see the other girl? I hope that is not the case.

I would agree with the other posters - DO NOT get involved with the other girl right now. And since you’ve already caused this huge division between your girlfriend and yourself, you may as well take it to its end point and start discerning whether or not you have a vocation to the priesthood. Go talk to your priest ASAP and go on a retreat - it’s not hard to find them. You will know more after that retreat, about whether or not you are called.

Even if you then decide that no, you are not called after all, I would advise against getting involved with another girl. You need to mature on your own, not based on a relationship with anyone except God. Invest in your relationship with Him, first and foremost. Whatever the result, you can’t go wrong having done that.

:hug1:
 
ironman62292 said:
I just don’t know what to do. Everything is falling apart. My girlfriend can’t stop crying. She’s suffering so much because of me, it’s beginning to effect her physically. Please pray for me, I beg you all. I can’t stand to see her this way. I can’t stand to let her go.
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Ironman, you will be helping her more by letting her go. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it’s not fair of you to be in such turmoil over your own direction and string her along in the process. I know you don’t mean to, but that is what you are doing. If she is suffering because of you, then the only way to stop that is to part ways. You need to figure out if you’re even called to be married before being with anyone- her or anyone else.

She will be fine, in time. If she is so unhealthily attached to you (which is the way it sounds), then even more reason to break up. And this means no contact. You’re not going to figure anything out if you’re still involved. It’s no fun being broken up with, but if someone isn’t mature enough to at least understand that it’s the right thing for both of you if one isn’t sure (even through the tears), and accept that, then they don’t belong in a relationship to begin with.
 
Yes it’s all true, except for the sexual stuff. I think it was my mistake in the first place to allow that to occur. Maybe it’s possible to be with her still and go onto see what the seminary is like? Oh, who am I kidding. I can’t ask her to wait for me while I make up my mind. I don’t want to get back together with her and secretly discern a vocation to priesthood and go through all this again.

I’ve begun to try and forget about the other girl and focus on just be strictly friends with her.
 
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