Making a big mistake after my "second conversion" - How do I recover? :(

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stina2bina

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Something’s completely eating me up, and I’m not sure how to approach it at all. For context: I am a 21 year old college student at an incredibly secular school. I was raised Catholic and go to Mass every Sunday. About 2 years ago, I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. To increase my self-esteem, I turned to sinful behaviour, mainly casually dating/kissing non-Catholic men and being more intimate than I should with them (I was one of those “Well, as long as we’re not having sex…” types). About 3 months ago, I had what I believe to be a second conversion. I decided I felt used, hurt and that it was time to respect myself the way God intended me to be respected. I realized that the things of this world are not what will properly fill that void.

So for the past few months, I went to confession for the first time in 2 years, I spent a bunch of time with a Catholic group at my college, completely gave up binge drinking and masturbation, and overall things were looking great! 😃 I was telling all my friends (Catholic and non) that I was ready to live out my values properly and was pumped to do so. I was even asked to speak at a Catholic event and am supposed to lead a Bible study in a few weeks.

Well a few nights ago, it all unravelled. It was a friend’s birthday, I had a couple glasses of wine, and this guy who I know was interested in me, kept re-filling my glass (occasionally when I wasn’t looking) and I got drunk. He then proceeded to take advantage of me, pressuring me into things. I tried resisting but he kept pushing and eventually, I guess because I was drunk and technically had done this before, I fell back into my old sinful behaviour. I know he was wrong for taking advantage of me, but it was my fault for getting that drunk in the first place. I woke up the next morning confused and unbelievably embarrassed. I thought I had changed and now I’m concerned I’m a hopeless cause 😦

I am now heartbroken because I’m concerned my second conversion wasn’t “real”. I have several friends who decided enough was enough and are now leaders in the Catholic community and they never made big mistakes like this afterwards. Maybe I was just kidding myself thinking I had “changed”. I am also concerned because I’ve realized I want a good Catholic husband one day and I’m worried none will want someone like me, who has such a past, and has sinned so badly even after claiming a second conversion. I feel like a fraud.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Any prayers you think would help? I will obviously go to confession soon, but what other steps can I take to turn around so I won’t keep “changing”, only to sin again.

Please keep me in your prayers!
 
How wonderful life would be if we could only make a statement that we weren’t going to sin anymore and then never did. But it doesn’t work that way. We sin again and again. It’s the trying to do better that is the thing. Coming to confession often. Confession not only absolves us from sin but gives us grace to strengthen us.

That said, I suspect that what happened the other night might fall into the category of date rape. He deliberately got you drunk to weaken your defenses, and pressured you until you gave in. You resisted and he didn’t take no for an answer.

We all make mistakes. If drinking puts you in a situation where it is difficult to stand firm, then stay away from situations where there will be drinking. If there is a certain crowd of people that will try to pull you back in to past behavior, find a new crowd. All is not lost. And you are not doomed to a life of sin.

Neither are you doomed to a life of no one wanting you. As you make better choices and become stronger in your faith walk, you will start to attract more Godly men.

God bless you.
 
@stina2bina: God loves you immensely… It can be difficult sometimes to remain “sinless” but what is important is for you to confess, be truly sorry for your sins, and avoid the near occasion of sin. I pray that you find the courage to go to church and confess… May St. Michael protect and defend you.
 
stina2bina said:
Something’s completely eating me up, and I’m not sure how to approach it at all. For context: I am a 21 year old college student at an incredibly secular school. I was raised Catholic and go to Mass every Sunday. About 2 years ago, I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. To increase my self-esteem, I turned to sinful behaviour, mainly casually dating/kissing non-Catholic men and being more intimate than I should with them (I was one of those “Well, as long as we’re not having sex…” types). About 3 months ago, I had what I believe to be a second conversion. I decided I felt used, hurt and that it was time to respect myself the way God intended me to be respected. I realized that the things of this world are not what will properly fill that void.

So for the past few months, I went to confession for the first time in 2 years, I spent a bunch of time with a Catholic group at my college, completely gave up binge drinking and masturbation, and overall things were looking great! 😃 I was telling all my friends (Catholic and non) that I was ready to live out my values properly and was pumped to do so. I was even asked to speak at a Catholic event and am supposed to lead a Bible study in a few weeks.

Well a few nights ago, it all unravelled. It was a friend’s birthday, I had a couple glasses of wine, and this guy who I know was interested in me, kept re-filling my glass (occasionally when I wasn’t looking) and I got drunk. He then proceeded to take advantage of me, pressuring me into things. I tried resisting but he kept pushing and eventually, I guess because I was drunk and technically had done this before, I fell back into my old sinful behaviour. I know he was wrong for taking advantage of me, but it was my fault for getting that drunk in the first place. I woke up the next morning confused and unbelievably embarrassed. I thought I had changed and now I’m concerned I’m a hopeless cause 😦

I am now heartbroken because I’m concerned my second conversion wasn’t “real”. I have several friends who decided enough was enough and are now leaders in the Catholic community and they never made big mistakes like this afterwards. Maybe I was just kidding myself thinking I had “changed”. I am also concerned because I’ve realized I want a good Catholic husband one day and I’m worried none will want someone like me, who has such a past, and has sinned so badly even after claiming a second conversion. I feel like a fraud.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Any prayers you think would help? I will obviously go to confession soon, but what other steps can I take to turn around so I won’t keep “changing”, only to sin again.

Please keep me in your prayers!
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What about going straight to the point?
What was your problem?
Sex? No !!!
Alcohol? Yes…
When you are drunk, you are out of your senses and do anything even jumping from Tower Eiffel.

So, you question is with alcohol. Try to deal with that the only what possible: in parties, no alcohol at all, only soft drinks. I repeat, no alcohol at all, not even one drop.

Dont think about your husband. There is Someone up there who takes acre of those things.

And listen, I am no better than you and I have been married for 25 years. No one is sinless but Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary.

So, say aloud with me: “In parties, no alcohol, only soft drinks!”.

Homework: repeat this sentence 20 times a day for as long as you want.

Take is easy, Lady. Jesus does not judge us as wee judge ourselves or as others judge us.
 
You are not a bad person first of all, you are human. If you are truly sorry for what happened you already know to not get into a situation like that again. Confession will get rid of your sin but don’t be tempted to keep sining because of how easy it is forgiven, that will slowly make things worse. And don’t worry so much about the future, gods got you. God bless.
 
Hello there,

None of us is fully “there yet.” Conversion is an ongoing challenge.

I wouldn’t normally dare to dish out advice to anyone. But I would wholeheartedly and boldly recommend the Rosary as a means of deepening your spiritual life, and dealing with all kinds of temptations. STUDY IT, LEARN IT, PRAY IT SLOWLY, MEDITATIVELY, AND DEVOUTLY.

Devotion to the Rosary is one of the most notable features of Catholic spirituality Pope John Paul II placed rosary devotions at the very center of Christian spirituality and called them "among the finest and most praiseworthy traditions of Christian contemplation.

John 19:27
Eddy Barry
 
… and I detest all my sins …because they offend THEE, My God…
I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace… to avoid the near occasion of sin.

We should hate our sins FIRST because they offend God who is all good and deserving of all our love. And when we do that, we begin to have a deeper understanding of HIS Awesome unfailing Mercy and love for us!

And we should avoid whatever leads us to sin. Phoffen rightly posits the occasion to sin as alcohol. At least ( in my assessment) alcohol in mixed company celebrations. Maybe a glass of wine with your gal pals is safe? Maybe not.

Confession. Confession, frequent confessions will increase grace in you. Increased grace will help you have truer contrition. Increased grace will help you trust and accept HIS Mercy more fully. And increased grace will help you avoid sin and near occasion of sin.

CConfession. Frequent Confession.
 
stina2bina said:
Something’s completely eating me up, and I’m not sure how to approach it at all. For context: I am a 21 year old college student at an incredibly secular school. I was raised Catholic and go to Mass every Sunday. About 2 years ago, I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. To increase my self-esteem, I turned to sinful behaviour, mainly casually dating/kissing non-Catholic men and being more intimate than I should with them (I was one of those “Well, as long as we’re not having sex…” types). About 3 months ago, I had what I believe to be a second conversion. I decided I felt used, hurt and that it was time to respect myself the way God intended me to be respected. I realized that the things of this world are not what will properly fill that void.

So for the past few months, I went to confession for the first time in 2 years, I spent a bunch of time with a Catholic group at my college, completely gave up binge drinking and masturbation, and overall things were looking great! 😃 I was telling all my friends (Catholic and non) that I was ready to live out my values properly and was pumped to do so. I was even asked to speak at a Catholic event and am supposed to lead a Bible study in a few weeks.

Well a few nights ago, it all unravelled. It was a friend’s birthday, I had a couple glasses of wine, and this guy who I know was interested in me, kept re-filling my glass (occasionally when I wasn’t looking) and I got drunk. He then proceeded to take advantage of me, pressuring me into things. I tried resisting but he kept pushing and eventually, I guess because I was drunk and technically had done this before, I fell back into my old sinful behaviour. I know he was wrong for taking advantage of me, but it was my fault for getting that drunk in the first place. I woke up the next morning confused and unbelievably embarrassed. I thought I had changed and now I’m concerned I’m a hopeless cause 😦

I am now heartbroken because I’m concerned my second conversion wasn’t “real”. I have several friends who decided enough was enough and are now leaders in the Catholic community and they never made big mistakes like this afterwards. Maybe I was just kidding myself thinking I had “changed”. I am also concerned because I’ve realized I want a good Catholic husband one day and I’m worried none will want someone like me, who has such a past, and has sinned so badly even after claiming a second conversion. I feel like a fraud.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Any prayers you think would help? I will obviously go to confession soon, but what other steps can I take to turn around so I won’t keep “changing”, only to sin again.

Please keep me in your prayers!
Click to expand...
Please do not doubt your conversion! You, still being human, are not perfect. Did you ever think that maybe your message could be even stronger now that you were in that situation? When you don’t feel such acute shame, you can add that experience into your testimony. I can guarantee you that you aren’t the only one who has gone through this. Some people would give up hope and simply fold after that, “I’m just a bad person and God doesn’t want me after all,” etc. etc. etc. As long as you pick yourself up, don’t continue to beat yourself up, but use this to deepen your commitment, you will grow in faith from it.

It was the alcohol that weakened you, and now you know that in a social situation, drinking can be very dangerous. I would caution you to NEVER leave any drink unattended while you go to the bathroom, etc. If you forget, just pour the drink out and get a new one. Stick to soda because if one drink loosens your inhibitions, then it’s easy to have another, and another, and then it’s impossible to make good decisions. That’s what alcohol does to our brains.

The guy who helped you get drunk is partly responsible for what you did. I wouldn’t call it rape, but he coerced you and got you drunk in order to have sex, which is wrong. That shows his own lack of character.

Go to confession as soon as possible. Tell Jesus how sorry you are in the meantime. I will add you to my prayers.
 
Next, STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL. You can’t handle it.
Avoid it like the plague. If you need to find new friends, do so.

Now, start with confession.
Then, ALWAYS, avoid drinking.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Please do not doubt your conversion! You, still being human, are not perfect. Did you ever think that maybe your message could be even stronger now that you were in that situation? When you don’t feel such acute shame, you can add that experience into your testimony. I can guarantee you that you aren’t the only one who has gone through this. Some people would give up hope and simply fold after that, “I’m just a bad person and God doesn’t want me after all,” etc. etc. etc. As long as you pick yourself up, don’t continue to beat yourself up, but use this to deepen your commitment, you will grow in faith from it.

It was the alcohol that weakened you, and now you know that in a social situation, drinking can be very dangerous. I would caution you to NEVER leave any drink unattended while you go to the bathroom, etc. If you forget, just pour the drink out and get a new one. Stick to soda because if one drink loosens your inhibitions, then it’s easy to have another, and another, and then it’s impossible to make good decisions. That’s what alcohol does to our brains.

The guy who helped you get drunk is partly responsible for what you did. I wouldn’t call it rape, but he coerced you and got you drunk in order to have sex, which is wrong. That shows his own lack of character.

Go to confession as soon as possible. Tell Jesus how sorry you are in the meantime. I will add you to my prayers.
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Juliane, what you said, every word of it.
 
monicatholic said:
… and I detest all my sins …because they offend THEE, My God…
I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace… to avoid the near occasion of sin.

We should hate our sins FIRST because they offend God who is all good and deserving of all our love. And when we do that, we begin to have a deeper understanding of HIS Awesome unfailing Mercy and love for us!

And we should avoid whatever leads us to sin. Phoffen rightly posits the occasion to sin as alcohol. At least ( in my assessment) alcohol in mixed company celebrations. Maybe a glass of wine with your gal pals is safe? Maybe not.

Confession. Confession, frequent confessions will increase grace in you. Increased grace will help you have truer contrition. Increased grace will help you trust and accept HIS Mercy more fully. And increased grace will help you avoid sin and near occasion of sin.

CConfession. Frequent Confession.
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:yup: Yes. Confession, confession, frequent confessions. Jesus knew we’d mess up, and that’s one of the reasons He gave us Confession.
 
You’ve gotten lots of great advice here! I just wanted to add that I was a complete idiot in college, even worse than you in that I didn’t remain a virgin. But God still loved me and took care of me; after college I converted to Catholicism (I had been a Lutheran), and now I am married to a wonderful Catholic man and we have a beautiful baby boy. I have a wonderful life. I am still not perfect, I still sin, I still have things I struggle with. But God continues to forgive me and bless me. Don’t lose heart!
 
Wow, that guy is a HUGE JERK (jerk is not the word I am thinking, but it will have to do in public)!

I agree with the others. Your bigger problem that night (as far as your own responsibility for your actions) was your drinking. You’ve learned a valuable lesson - getting drunk is going to make it much harder for you to stick to your morals, so you need to be more careful about drinking. You’ll need to set a limit for yourself. Maybe one drink only. Once you’re done with that one drink, get a cup and keep it filled with something non-alcoholic so that you won’t be temped to fill it with booze just to have something in your hand.

Secondly, it is normal to make mistakes. Rare is the person who has a conversion and never sins again. Your friends who said enough is enough MIGHT have avoided the sins you’re thinking of. Or they might have avoided the obvious public ones, and still struggled with the more private ones that you wouldn’t know about. Or they might just be struggling with other, non-sexual sins. But either way, don’t worry about them. If Jesus required us to be perfect after our conversions, he wouldn’t have give us the sacrament of confession. Use the sacrament. When you come out of that confessional, you will be just as pure as you were before that awful night.

Third, I’ll say it again, that guy is a HUGE JERK! While your sins are your own, he sinned too, in particular in the way he manipulated, pressured, and took advantage of you. This is another lesson to learn. Obviously, I wouldn’t go near HIM with a 10 ft. pole, but in general, you are seeing that people are not as trustworthy as they seem, and that only some people will support you and lift you up, while others will do whatever they can to drag you down. Find the ones that will support you, and stay away from those who would drag you down. Definitely don’t drink around those people.

St. Maria Goretti is a patron saint of chastity. The blessed mother, and St. Joseph would be appropriate as well. I’m sure there are others. I’m not sure of a good prayer - perhaps someone else has a great one. But google will give you a huge selection from which you can choose the prayers that are most meaningful to you. Here are a couple of google searches:
Catholic Prayers for Chastity: google.com/search?q=catholic+prayers+for+chastity&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a
Prayers to St. Maria Goretti: google.com/search?q=prayers+for+st.+maria+goretti&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a#hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=vDi&rls=org.mozilla:en-US%3Aofficial&sclient=psy-ab&q=prayers+to+st.+maria+goretti&oq=prayers+to+st.+maria+goretti&aq=f&aqi=g-K1g-q1&aql=1&gs_l=serp.12…0i30j0i22.93889.95112.0.97164.2.2.0.0.0.0.199.358.0j2.2.0.eish.1.0.0.uD2EhZSKm-M&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=61fe8c406b329c8c&biw=1014&bih=674
 
Does nobody think that the guy should be held responsible for what he did to her? I can’t believe that it has not been suggested that she speak to the police about this…I don’t know how anyone could NOT call this rape.
 
For one thing, it’s not clear that the behavior constituted rape (I’m not sure exactly what degree of sexual activity is needed - it probably varies by state - nor whether that degree was reached on the night in question - and the OP doesn’t say exactly “how far” they went, and she definitely does NOT need to give out those specifics).

Second, there is a fine line between pressuring and forcing. Whether that line was crossed, and whether something criminal took place, would be very difficult to judge based on what she has told us. There are a lot of factors that go into making that judgement that we are not privy to - so I definitely wouldn’t go so far as to declare that a crime occurred.

I will say that a decision to get drunk does NOT remove the responsibility of a rapist. If the OP was forced into sex, then yes, I would say a call to the police is in order. If it was pressure and not forcing, and if it was fooling around and not sex, I don’t think the legal system is going to do anything to him.
 
I dont think its fair to say that she was raped by the guy until we were to hear his side and any possible witnesses. Its college. Girls and guys get drunk all the time and do crazy things. I sense that the OP is very emotional about failing herself and God and may be projecting some of that on the guy. Chances are in the heat of the moment she did consent to more than she would like to admit without anything criminal on the part of the guy happening. It is likely just the same sinnners guilt that Adam had when he blamed Eve.

The good news is that most of us have done things that are just a bad or worse as what the OP did. Sexual sins and drunkenness are not the most serious of sins. They are just the ones that play with our emotions the most.

To repair your reputation and set yourself up for a good Catholic husband, you need to act the part. If alcohol makes you do crazy things and you cant control your intake, avoid parties with alcohol and drink in moderation with close friends and family. I would avoid the people that put you in positions to sin. It may mean losing some friends but you want friends that care about your soul and well being.

I think that to have a good Catholic husband the OP will need to decide what matters most in life to her. Falling back into sin does not eliminate good men but it does reduce the pool a little bit. Right or wrong, we are all defined by our actions. Thats the effect of sin. We can repent and gain forgiveness but the scars remain in this world.

A good man will see the beauty in a woman that struggles yet keeps fighting. We all fall but we are judged on how we respond to falling. To repair a reputation, you need to build up enough victories and show that you are on the right path while not showing a steady trend of regressing with no attempts to change anything.
 
28562 said:
Does nobody think that the guy should be held responsible for what he did to her? I can’t believe that it has not been suggested that she speak to the police about this…I don’t know how anyone could NOT call this rape.
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She didn’t term it rape. She said she tried to resist but the alcohol made her susceptible to his advances. There’s a difference between getting drunk and being taken advantage of, and rape. There really is.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
She didn’t term it rape. She said she tried to resist but the alcohol made her susceptible to his advances. There’s a difference between getting drunk and being taken advantage of, and rape. There really is.
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I won’t disagree too much, because I have never been raped or done any raping…but she didn’t just get drunk. HE got her drunk and continued to try to get her drunker…then took advantage of her lowered inhibitions…if she got drunk on her own and the same thing happened, it would be bad, but IMO, not criminal. BUT because he actively participated in trying to make her get as drunk as he could in order to take advantage of her, he crossed the line.
 
28562 said:
I won’t disagree too much, because I have never been raped or done any raping…but she didn’t just get drunk. HE got her drunk and continued to try to get her drunker…then took advantage of her lowered inhibitions…if she got drunk on her own and the same thing happened, it would be bad, but IMO, not criminal. BUT because he actively participated in trying to make her get as drunk as he could in order to take advantage of her, he crossed the line.
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Did he have nefarious intentions? It would certainly appear so. However, (as far as we know) he didn’t hold a gun to her head and force her to keep drinking. While it’s true that we may feel pressured into doing things in social situations, the fact remains that we have a choice. In this case, she chose to continue drinking. That’s not a defense of his actions, merely a recognition of her personal responsibility.

At any rate, OP, sin is a difficult thing. It’s something that we all struggle with. As Catholics, we don’t get to say “I’ve been saved” like Protestants do and go on about our merry way. Rather, we acknowledge that we’ve been saved (through Baptism), that we are being saved (through the constant conversion of our hearts to Jesus and facilitated by the Sacrament of Reconciliation) and that we hope to be saved (through God’s infinite mercy). Never doubt the veracity of your conversion; rather, recognize that you are human, flawed just like the rest of us, with weaknesses with which you must contend. Recognize what those weaknesses are and avoid circumstances that allow you to fall victim to them. It’s not easy, but it’s certainly possible.
 
Actually, from a legal stand point, getting a woman drunk and then ‘taking advantage of her’ is rape. If someone is drunk, they cannot legally give consent to sexual activity. She may not describe it as rape, but the reason men like this are considered jerks (a nice name for them, in my opinion) is that society recognizes they are behaving in a manner that takes the right of the woman to consent away from her.

And I speak as a violent rape survivor. People think that unless one has gone through the same experience I had to go through that the crime is not ‘really’ rape and that is a fallacy.

Anyway - I hope you always know that The Church is not a Hotel for Saints but a Hospital for Sinners. You fell. You get back up and keep trying.

You may want to re-examine your use of alcohol, however, as you might be one of those afflicted with the phenomenon of ‘craving’ - in other words, when you drink alcohol, it is difficult for you to stop drinking alcohol. You may want to switch to water or juice.

And you recover from any sin by going to confession, prayer, and trying again and again and again.
 
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