Making a fuss about adult birthdays

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The birthday person in our family gets to choose a restaurant for a meal out, and we may catch a movie or shop a bit. For Dh’s b-day this year, we’ll eat out (his choice) and I have 2 small gifts for him (2 movies he’s been wanting a while).

I don’t see the problem with having a meal out, or cooking a nice meal on their birthday. Even a party every few years isn’t a lot to ask, it can be as simple as a cook out at home with family and friends.

If you don’t want to recognize your birthday, that’s fine. But why not let him have some fun on his?
 
Your husband has some nerve! A special dinner for his birthday? Also, one week a year, he treats himself to something he wouldn’t treat himself to otherwise???

WHO THE HECK DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS??? :mad::mad::mad:
It may be advisable to use [sarcasm][/sarcasm] brackets to avoid confusion.

:rolleyes:
 
People who like a big deal for their birthday should get that. And if someone doesn’t enjoy that, they should get a toned down celebration, or none at all if that is their wish.

But what we can’t do is expect what we like to be what everyone else likes. To each his own. 😉
👍 I grew up an only child in a pretty small family. While we didn’t have extravaganzas birthdays were a big deal and celebrated usually with dinner either a special home cooked meal or out to your favorite place depending on money and what the person preferred. My beloved is also an only child so it was similar for him, I don’t consider that to be stressful or over the top. My bday is just over a week before Christmas and I make a “big deal” so to speak because its Christmas for everyone but its only my birthday for me, if I had to choose I would take a bday gift every time (and I think Christmas is severely over commercialized) My (step) brother agrees and his birthday is the day after Christmas.
 
The older I get the less I find myself wanting to make a fuss about my own birthday. Adult birthdays in general are becoming a questionable obligation. It seems that every other week there is another birthday. My second complaint is about my husband. He wants his birthday to be the event of the year and I’m getting tired of all the fuss.

He starts about two weeks before his birthday by asking what are we going to do for his birthday. He expects to go out to dinner or that I am going to make him a special dinner. He suggests the menu. He actually plans his birthday and has begun to call it birthday day week. He makes demands about different things because it is birthday week. He treats himself to things that he normally wouldn’t because it is birthday week.

Last year, for my own birthday, I treated my husband, mom, and sons to lunch to try to change the idea that the birthday is all about me. Though I didn’t say it to them, it was nice to know I was treating them to a nice lunch on my birthday. I got pleasure seeing them enjoy themselves. I told them not to worry about gifts. We had a very nice time.

Back to my husband and myself, I feel we are too old to worry about our birthdays and we should not make our loved ones feel obligated to go out and buy gifts and cards and fuss.

My husband insists that we make a fuss about other peoples birthdays but he puts the work on me to fulfill these obligations. Right now it is my son’s birthday and he wants to know if I got him a card yet. Well the nearest store is 10 miles away and I am spending my free days painting the house so I don’t have time this week to run out and buy a card. I suggested he take care of it and he said " What do you want me to leave work to go shopping for a card?’ Last weekend I bought my son a cheese cake (he loves cheesecake)for his birthday and I will take him out to dinner next weekend. Isn’t that enough?

How can I get my husband to understand that I am getting older, I have to many obligations, have very little free time, energy or money to do these birthday gestures for adults anymore. I would just like to tone down a little on the adult birthday obligations, like maybe only sending cards for the milestone birthdays for adult relatives instead of every year. Buying smaller gifts for our moms and grown children. And a total remake the idea of birthday week.

How much do you fuss over adult birthdays? And should I ask my husband to support me in making these changes in our self imposed birthday obligation list?

-well back to painting my house… got to get it done before Thanksgiving.
I think it is WONDERFUL that your husband gets so excited about his birthday “week”. Shows he is still a happy little boy inside. I say make him as happy as you can and give into all of his whims for his birthday “week”. I wish more adults had his childlike attitude. He is not going to live forever. One day you might not have him around.

And Jesus said, “Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become
as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”
 
A thought, and you needn’t answer, of course: are there other, bigger problems in your marriage, and this is just a focal point right now? I honestly can’t imagine making a big deal out of my husband asking me to cook a nice dinner and bake a cake unless we had a lot of more major issues. For that matter, making him happy by doing something so relatively minor makes me happy.

(Again, when you say “birthday week,” we don’t quite know what you mean in scale. If he’s buying himself gifts daily that are far above your usable income, it’s a problem. If it’s little things you can afford and it makes him happy…who cares?)
 
Burnout happened along time ago. I would if I could, if I had the money, time and energy to meet these birthday obligations.
There is the issue: You’re burned out and your finances are played out, to the point that fun is not high on your to-do list.

“Hon, let’s dial the expectations down a notch and throw me a bone, here. It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate my gladness for the fact of your birth, but I am exhausted and we’re broke. Can we think of something you’ll enjoy that won’t kill me or our wallet?”
 
“I would if I could, if I had the money, time and energy to meet these birthday obligations.”

I think that’s the core of your problem.

Talk to him well in advance and budget it out (the time, money and energy). Also, as mentioned previously, you can probably get a box of cards in bulk (not necessarily even pre-printed, just nice stationery cards, maybe with a cute floral pattern) to write birthday letters on. It sounds like “birthdays” needs to be a separate item on your budget. I would hand over the remembering of family birthdays to him (since it’s important to him and he likes it), but you yourself should keep responsibility for celebrating HIS birthday. Choose whether or not you want to be in charge of your birthday or to hand it off to him. You might have more fun if he was in charge of your birthday.

Am I right in thinking that you have separate finances? Because you did mention that your birthday dinner was your treat and that’s weird if you have joint finances. That may be a problem in and of itself.

My husband and I budget out birthday stuff as part of our shared finances, right down to the cake–I think these days his birthday and my birthday probably costs around $30 (cake and gift), unless we have the funds to do a dinner out, which we haven’t lately. If I were doing a splashy birthday for me (which I haven’t for a while), I would be inviting a bunch of people to dinner at home or at a restaurant and covering the tab. In Russia, which is where some of my formative years were spent, it is expected that adults put on their own birthday celebrations. I think that is very sensible, because then you get to choose what your birthday is going to look like, down to the flavor of the cake.

You’re running the risk of being (or turning into) a no-fun kill joy. I understand that your husband may be asking too much of you right now, but spell it out to him, and ask him to prioritize what he wants of you. If he wants this, he can’t have that other thing.
 
You should give your husband some kind guidance about budgets if this is the problem.

But look at this forum, how many marriages do you see in tatters? It sounds like you have been married for sometime. You have a husband that wants to spend what seems to be an important day to him with you. He doesn’t want to go fishing or hunting on that day. He wants to celebrate his birthday with you.

As guy that can burn water, I know I could make a box cake, frost it and put candles on it in less than an hour of time. My wife would love it, even if it did taste like road tar. It may not be the cakes, or the gifts here that motivate him. Maybe he wants your attention. It is small kindnesses like this that cement the bond of marriage. There are many who read this forum that hope and pray that their spouse would spend some time with them and many of them will cry themselves to sleep tonight. Count your blessings.
 
I don’t understand the whole “Birthday week” thing for adults. I don’t care much for my B-day either. Take this year for example… just two weeks ago actually… I went to work on my birthday, dropped my truck off at a mechanic after work because I needed something repaired and then I took a bus home and had a 24oz can of Bud light because I decided “Even though it is Thursday, what the heck? Its my b-day.”

I also don’t understand the whole big birthday party for 1 or 2 year olds either. My thinking is, “Throw them a party when they are at least old enough to know what is going on and maybe even remember it” but I don’t have any kids, so what do I know? 🤷

I say, if someone’s B-day brings them such joy for some reason though, let them have it. Just let them know what you are not willing to do if they get too demanding.
 
I understand that folks think he may be craving attention. He gets plenty of pampering on a daily basis. I am almost always available for him. He needs his special food, I get them. He wants to go to stupid rock concerts filled with teenagers, I go. He wants to buy cds with very inappropriate lyrics, I get him a headset. He rarely has time to spend with me. The problem is that he have come to expect me to spoil him and is using his birthday a leverage to get even more. I feel unappreciated for the things I do for him and I feel dictated to and that the things I do for him are never enough. He is always asking for things that are not in our budget and then pouts when he doesn’t get them. I’m treated like his mommy and he acts like a teenager with an attitude.

When he is around other people especially his family, he chooses that time to give me trouble. He refuses to tell anyone that we are having financial trouble. We have agreed on spending money that is his alone but with our current financial trouble (he caused our financial trouble) There isn’t enough for extras anymore. Since I handle our spending, I have tried to compromise about things., He loves to go out and wants steak dinners. So I have agreed to occasionally to cook steak at home and look for cheap restaurants to eat out. This is not good enough. He complains about the places I agree that we can afford. He insists the restaurant baked potatoes taste better. Well maybe they do but with tax and tip they cost 5 times as much. The steak dinner at home kills our budget and I don’t even like steak but I do it. Now don’t misunderstand he is not this way all the time but lately there has been an increase in this behavior .

My birthday (I pay for all birthday stuff out of our budget)for 6 people was lunch, cheaper than dinner at a no table service Italian restaurant. I had coupons. Full dinners (like chicken picante) with bread with salad and a BYOB and even a tip for the table wiper was less than. $75.00 and the food was GOOD.

It is because of this careful planning that I am able to pay my bills in spite of our income loss. But as prices continue to increase, and my income continues to decrease, I have to be very careful.

Really, all I wanted to know was how important birthday are to adults in general, for me it’s a day that somebody remembers to say happy birthday but gifts, dinners and fanfare have to be tempered by money, time and other constraints.
 
I understand that folks think he may be craving attention. He gets plenty of pampering on a daily basis. I am almost always available for him. He needs his special food, I get them. He wants to go to stupid rock concerts filled with teenagers, I go. He wants to buy cds with very inappropriate lyrics, I get him a headset. He rarely has time to spend with me. The problem is that he have come to expect me to spoil him and is using his birthday a leverage to get even more. I feel unappreciated for the things I do for him and I feel dictated to and that the things I do for him are never enough. He is always asking for things that are not in our budget and then pouts when he doesn’t get them. I’m treated like his mommy and he acts like a teenager with an attitude.

When he is around other people especially his family, he chooses that time to give me trouble. He refuses to tell anyone that we are having financial trouble. We have agreed on spending money that is his alone but with our current financial trouble (he caused our financial trouble) There isn’t enough for extras anymore. Since I handle our spending, I have tried to compromise about things., He loves to go out and wants steak dinners. So I have agreed to occasionally to cook steak at home and look for cheap restaurants to eat out. This is not good enough. He complains about the places I agree that we can afford. He insists the restaurant baked potatoes taste better. Well maybe they do but with tax and tip they cost 5 times as much. The steak dinner at home kills our budget and I don’t even like steak but I do it. Now don’t misunderstand he is not this way all the time but lately there has been an increase in this behavior .

My birthday (I pay for all birthday stuff out of our budget)for 6 people was lunch, cheaper than dinner at a no table service Italian restaurant. I had coupons. Full dinners (like chicken picante) with bread with salad and a BYOB and even a tip for the table wiper was less than. $75.00 and the food was GOOD.

It is because of this careful planning that I am able to pay my bills in spite of our income loss. But as prices continue to increase, and my income continues to decrease, I have to be very careful.

Really, all I wanted to know was how important birthday are to adults in general, for me it’s a day that somebody remembers to say happy birthday but gifts, dinners and fanfare have to be tempered by money, time and other constraints.
Retrouvaille.org

Or talk to your priest for some counseling. This is about far more than birthdays.
 
Retrouvaille.org

Or talk to your priest for some counseling. This is about far more than birthdays.
👍

I don’t think people on here can really help you. The way you phrased your original post, I got the impression of a very dour and burned-out individual, but there are obviously more serious issues here beyond what constitutes a reasonable celebration of a birthday.
 
Really, all I wanted to know was how important birthday are to adults in general, for me it’s a day that somebody remembers to say happy birthday but gifts, dinners and fanfare have to be tempered by money, time and other constraints.
The answer is that attitudes vary widely and are held very personally. The problem is that the normal avenues of compromise that many couples with an attitude mismatch over this don’t appear to be open to you and your husband. This seems more like a symptom than an isolated problem in an otherwise well-functioning marriage–which is generally one in which spouses automatically talk about “our bills” instead of “my bills”, one where there is “our money” and except for an agreed-upon discretionary portion taken out of the joint funds no sense of “money that is his alone” and so on.
 
mcrane said:

“Really, all I wanted to know was how important birthday are to adults in general, for me it’s a day that somebody remembers to say happy birthday but gifts, dinners and fanfare have to be tempered by money, time and other constraints.”

As people have been saying, it doesn’t sound like the birthday is really the problem. It’s just 1) the straw that is breaking the camel’s back and 2) out of line with your financial reality 3) really unfair for you to have to suck it up and be the grownup all the time.

Do you budget together at the beginning of every month, or is it just you playing mommy all month long and saying no? When you do a budget at the beginning of the month, make sure to stand up for yourself and point out that you deserve a few frills, just like he does. Budget mad money for him and mad money for you, and make it equal, and you can both spend it as you like or save it for a major purchase. Depending on your circumstances, you could each get $200 or $100 each. (This past month, my husband and I gave ourselves $30 each.) Don’t get trapped into playing mommy or being the no-fun spouse because he is spending his fun and your fun, too–it’s as if he were eating both his dessert and yours, too. Aside from fun money, every thing that he wants should either be in the budget or not in the budget at the beginning of the month. If he wants something mid-month, you should have an emergency budget meeting, and he can explain where it’s going to come from (and no, it’s not coming out of emergency funds unless it’s an emergency) and why the thing he wants is more important than groceries.

I used to be the “fun” spouse and my husband was “daddy” until I started listening to Dave Ramsey. Now, we are both adults, and my husband is spending money on his hobbies and enjoying them VERY, VERY much. You can too.

(By the way, you know why restaurant food tastes so great? Fat-fat-fat. The reason their baked potato tastes better than your baked potato is that they don’t care if your arteries clog up and you do.)
 
mcrane said:

“I feel unappreciated for the things I do for him and I feel dictated to and that the things I do for him are never enough.”

Start asking him to do stuff for you (even if it’s just something simple like, could you carry the dishes to the kitchen?). Balance out every request from him with something from you (roughly). Consider even mentioning this plan to him so that he will stop thinking of you as a labor-saving device.

“When he is around other people especially his family, he chooses that time to give me trouble. He refuses to tell anyone that we are having financial trouble.”

And so he has to keep being the big spender to keep up appearances. Lovely.

These are marital waters that I have never sailed, and I hate to make this suggestion (because normally I believe in marital omerta), but how about just quietly mentioning, “You know, Steve doesn’t like to talk about it, but our income has dropped in half since the recession,” when you are alone with an in-law and money comes up (it always does). The more gossipy the in-law, the better. Tell three or four in confidence, and pretty soon, the whole tribe will know. The nice thing is that these days you can say “the recession” rather than “Steve’s moronic business decisions.” And then you can tell your husband that they know. This is really the nuclear option, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

This is a cliche, but can you get him to marriage counseling?
 
I would also suggest breaking out restaurant eating into a separate budget category and giving him full authority to decide where you are going to spend that money. (Our family of 5 budgets $200 a month for eating out, which covers stuff like Starbucks, vending machine Coke, pizza and the occasional meal out.) He can choose to have a couple of steak dinners, or he can choose to have 3 or 4X as many inexpensive meals out–his choice.

That arrangement isn’t perfectly fair to you, but it’s a baby step toward responsibility and reality. You might prefer a fairer version that would give each of you authority over half of the eating out budget
 
…He loves to go out and wants steak dinners. So I have agreed to occasionally to cook steak at home and look for cheap restaurants to eat out. This is not good enough. He complains about the places I agree that we can afford. He insists the restaurant baked potatoes taste better…
There can be a huge difference in the quality of steaks from one restaurant to another and from one home cook to another, there is no question about that. That doesn’t mean you ought not put your foot down when it comes to restaurants that you and your husband can’t afford.

I’ve learned what I’m doing with cooking beef at home, so we almost never have steak out. The amount it costs to get beef that can match what I can do at home gives me a headache; I’d much rather eat food out like Chinese, something that represents something far too time-consuming and complicated for me to ever replicate at home. You are much more likely to satisfy him by buying better cuts and cooking them at home than eating at a cut-rate steakhouse. Some of those steaks taste like they must have just retired last week from a long career in pro rodeo, because I don’t know how else a bovine back muscle could get enough work to be that tough! 😦
 
These are my two favorite recipes in that regard. This is stuff we have for Easter & Christmas, though, not frequently:

"30-minute" home-baked potatoes
(cooking takes 30 min. for 8 oz potatoes)
4 similarly-sized russet potatoes
scrubbed, dried, and poked on each side a few times with a fork

The goal is to time the meal so that the potatoes will stay in the oven until you are ready to eat them.

Preheat oven to 450 degrees, placing an open rack in the middle. Arrange potatoes evenly in a microwave oven. Cook on high at 3 minutes intervals, rotating or flipping each time, until they just start to “give” when squeezed. Transfer carefully to the oven, baking directly on the rack. Cook until a skewer glides easily through the flesh of each potato, about 20 minutes more. Serve or transfer to a low oven to hold.

When ready to serve, slice an “X” in the top of the potato and press on the ends of the potato to push the flesh up and out through the “X”. This lets the steam escape, which will keep the insides of the potato fluffy. If the potatoes have to wait at room temperature before being opened, the flesh will become dense instead of fluffy.

I would suggest you teach your husband to make these. He will love them; I think he’ll be more than willing to do the work involved. Nothing gives more satisfaction for the price than a perfectly-baked russet!

Beef

The beef–if you want the best steak for the money, IMHO, it is the top blade steak (aka blade steak). It has very nice flavor, it is reasonably tender, and a very nice price (considering it is steak), but here is the catch: It has a big seam of gristle running right through the middle. If you’re serving finicky eaters, you are kind of stuck making kabobs out of it, but really the gristle comes out very easily. It is not always available at grocery stores unless you ask for it.

Here is the problem: With steak, there is a degree to which you get what you pay for and if you do not know what you are doing you can ruin even a good steak by butchering it too thinly or unevenly–I have had to pass over many sad cases at our local grocery stores–or by cooking it incorrectly. If your family isn’t going to be left mooning for what the restaurants can do, you’ll want to go to the library and learn at the knee of Cook’s Illustrated, or from Bruce Aidell’s “The Complete Meat Cookbook”. I suggest you buy a big hunk of meat and cook it as a roast. It is much easier to get a great result at home this way. As you have noted, you can throw in a good bottle of wine and still come in far cheaper than if you went to a restaurant.

For holidays, though, I always go for a bone in prime rib roast, because it is less work. I always let it sit on a rack in my refrigerator with no plastic to age for 3-4 days. Even as little as 24 hours helps–you’ll get more intense flavor, it is more tender, and it costs you nothing but space in the refrigerator. (This is not a bad time to buy two roasts and freeze one, because prime rib is often a “loss leader” around Christmas–be sure to buy a roast with a fat cap covering its whole top.)

To dry-age: Untie the roast; the butcher will often have already cut it away from the bones. If not, cut the roast away from the bone rack (cutting right up against the bones), then salt and pepper all over (about 1 T table salt or 2 T kosher salt and 1/2 T pepper for a 7 lb. bone-in roast). Set the roast onto the rack of bones (to save space) and set in the refrigerator with no plastic or other covering. The idea is to let it dry. (If the fat cap is very thick, you can score it to let the salt in, but I don’t bother. I also salted right before cooking for many years, and it was good that way, too. It is the aging that counts.)

To cook it, you must have a probe-type meat thermometer. Yes, it’s $20, but you’ll save that the first time you make this. Let the roast sit out on the counter an hour before starting. Turn on the oven to a low heat. If you have an oven thermometer and know your oven is really at the temperature you think (ovens are often off by as much as 50 degrees, especially at the high and low ends of the temp range), you can roast as low as 200 degrees; otherwise, use 250 F. Cook until the roast is 110 F. If you are in a hurry, turn down just to 180 or so, but otherwise turn the oven and keep the door closed, allowing the roast coast to in to 120 F for rare, 125 F for medium rare. Then remove the roast from the oven and cover in foil.

This is very important: Whatever your husband or anyone else wants you to do, DO NOT THINK ABOUT CARVING THIS ROAST BEFORE IT HAS RESTED AT LEAST 20 MINUTES OUT OF THE OVEN, and preferably 30 minutes or more. My husband used to hate this, but that was before he cut too early and saw a) the grey rim, b) the raw interior, and c) all the juice all over the cutting board instead of the evenly-rosy beauty that he expected. You can let it sit out of the oven for an hour or so, even. If you are afraid it has cooled too much, it can be return to a hot oven (like your potato oven) for 5 minutes or so before you carve it, or even run it under a broiler to brown up the top more to your liking.

Does this sound like a lot of work? It really is a lot of hurry-up-and-wait, which is why I like this for holidays–it is obviously a Sunday thing and not a week night thing!!–but you’re already overburdened, so you may not want to do this yourself. Meat-o-philes, however, get into this kind of thing. Let your husband learn to do it. He will like the results enough, I think he’ll go for it. The main thing is that he needs a proper education to get results at home that can hope to compete with a restaurant. Send him to Cook’s Illustrated or books by Bruce Aidell’s…those folks know from meat, and because they are well-regarded and well-known, the library is very likely to have their cookbooks.
 
Really, all I wanted to know was how important birthday are to adults in general, for me it’s a day that somebody remembers to say happy birthday but gifts, dinners and fanfare have to be tempered by money, time and other constraints.
I’ll save the “big picture” advice for others to give and stick to answering this question. 🙂

I would definitely agree that the celebration must be tempered by whatever constraints there are. But I think there can still be celebration within those constraints. We don’t have a large budget for stuff like that either, but we get gift cards from our credit card cash back program. With Applebees 2 for 20 and carside to go, we can both get a steak dinner and an appetizer for $20. And it’s $20 that doesn’t come out of our pocket. A cake is pretty cheap, too. One box of cake mix and one can of frosting. All that and a free RedBox promo code or a DVD from the library makes our special evenings pretty inexpensive.

I thought my wife was the only one who had a “birthday week.” 😛 It sort of works out because both our birthdays and our anniversary are within two weeks time. So it’s generally a festive couple of weeks. 🙂 I’m always up for celebrating something with cake and ice cream. :o

I don’t know if you have ever heard of the book “The Five Love Languages.” I always think of that book in cases like this. My wife’s language is “gifts”. Not that the gifts have to be expensive or extravagant. They really don’t. But it’s one of the ways that make her feel loved. So I do my best. It does kind of manifest itself in differing expectations for events like these.

We still send birthday cards every year to our parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews. My wife stocks up on cards when there are free promos through various photo websites or coupons for free cards at various stores. Plus she has a bunch of blank cards and scrapbooking tools for making cards. So we always have cards on hand. It’s never felt like it was a strain on our time or energy to keep up with it. But if we were going out to the store to pick up a card for every birthday, I can see how that would very quickly become a nuisance.
 
The other way to save money on steaks at home is to have plenty of sides. Dinner rolls are cheap, bread dressing is cheap, potatoes are cheap, lettuce is cheap, green beans are cheap, a pie is even cheap, next to beef. You can serve much smaller meat portions if you pick up some easy side dishes will you’re at the grocery store.
 
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