Making Friends

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Steve-o

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I’m a pretty shy person and now that I’ve rejoined the Church and have just started attending my new parish, I have to ask the board’s advice on how to make friends. I often feel awkward, especially after registering at the Chruch’s rectory, where I just felt shuffled through. I’ve never been good at sustaining friendships and I believe people sense something about me that most don’t like. Despite my efforts, I just haven’t had much good fortune in forging new relationships. Must be the product of being an only child…your thoughts?
 
Well Steve…hello ! 👋 Welcome!!
From “your friend in Pennsylvania”
~ Kathy ~
 
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Steve-o:
I have to ask the board’s advice on how to make friends.
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I recommend just getting involved in group(s)/activitie(s) in your parish. When we moved to Illinois a few years back (we’re back in Michigan now) I started attending a Saturday morning men’s group, and I got involved with helping out the KofC with pancake breakfasts. I had a group of friends almost instantly.
 
Hi there Steve,
I switched parishes a year ago today. In doing so, I made a commitment to myself that I would be an active member of my new parish family. I was at my old parish for 5 years and knew no one - I was quiet and didn’t make any effort.

I prayed hard and long to God to bring good Catholics into my life and turned it over to Him.

First thing, I signed up to work on the parish picnic. Knew not a soul - but soon met a few new folks. Good solid Catholics. While at the picnic, I walked around and offered coffee and desserts to folks. This way, I had to stay moving on my feet and talking to others.

My madness behind this method of serving cookies and coffee was that it always provided me a means to start small talk. If you have a hard time starting chatter, then you can use the cookies and coffee as a crutch.

I then signed up for several other social functions and employed the same technique - keep moving and serve. I have met soooo many people and have made a few good friends now.

Last night I received a call that I had been elected to Parish Council. I think it was my cookie and coffee platform that got me there! 😃

At coffee hour on Sunday, I make a point to meet a different family each week.

Point is, if you sit and expect people to come to you, they may not. You will need to get ask God to give you the strength and the means to meet folks that He wants you to meet. This applies to all social areas in life - not just parish community.

You can do this with God’s help.
 
I am shy myself and I really have to work at making friends. One of the tricks that I do is to explain to people right away that I am shy. Sometimes people mistake shyness for aloofness. I also make an effort to smile at people and look them in the eye. This is difficult for me, I don’t know why but I prefer to stare at the ground.

I am very blessed in that I have a extremly extroverted hubby. He understands my shyness and does the bulk of the talking until I get comfortable.
 
These are great suggestions :clapping: I was thinking myself that I’d like to be involved at my parish. Maybe I’ll just go ahead and volunteer. Thanks guys!
 
Thanks for all the suggestions, everyone. I might also add that while I am pretty shy, I am a pretty sociable person once I get used to folks. What I have had trouble with since way back in high school was maintaining and fostering deep, personal relationships with people (excluding my wife of course!). I’ve just never been able to do this. Sure, I’m gregarious and friendly to those I know, but nothing develops outside of a casual acquaintance. Perhaps this is merely the way life is, as many people come in and out of one’s life. I remember the line in the movie Stand By Me , when the narrator says: “I never had friends like I did when I was twelve years old. Who does?!?” I do learn a lot from people and I like to think I’m a good listener, if only out of my selfish need to learn about people’s lives and experiences.

Man, I have never talked about myself this much anywhere! I’ll sgut up and listen now…
 
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Steve-o:
…Man, I have never talked about myself this much anywhere! I’ll sgut up and listen now…
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Talk all you want Steve! And there is no need to apologize!!
~ Kathy ~
 
Well, take care of your character, and your reputation will take care of itself. The kind of people you want as friends usually take care of business at the parish. Volunteer to help at parish fundraisers.

Also, I used to be a shy person, too. Until I went to college. No one there knew me, and I knew no one. No one knew I used to be shy. I just acted “as if.” I went up to someone, introduced myself, and gave small talk my best shot. Don’t talk about yourself, become interested in others. No one will know how your heart is pounding inside but you and the Lord.
 
At my parish (been there about a year now) there are friendly people but nobody has shown interest in more than the occasional greeting. It is probably because we have kids and maybe because our clothes may not be the best. I figure after a while we’ll make friends just from being there. For now there are a few people that say Hi.
 
Well, no victories at Mass today… 😦 I attend the 7:30 a.m. Mass and although for Father’s Day last week there were more in attendance, the attendance was down today (except for the 1 and 1/2 year old who cries out constantly). So I had no chance to even greet the Pastor because we sat on the opposite end of the pew and as he shook hands to those waiting for him to exit the church (something I had not seen before) we were the only ones who didn’t shake hands with him. I did shake hands with an EMHC and an usher, but I felt really down about not “working the room” as I had planned. I don’t even know where they have the coffee for after Mass! Sorry if this sounds like “Oh woe is me”, and I know it does–but this whole getting to know people stuff is hard! I will keep at it though, perhaps attending a weekday Mass or two to make up for what I was ignorant about (I am just learning “Glory”) Although I can’t take the blame for the Pastor’s poor enunciation and/or the messed-up sound system during the Homily (which he said was a rehash from another Mass last week!)

LOL I had a terrible time! I did pray to God asking him to forgive my anger and frustration during Mass and to help me have a better Mass next time.
 
Ouch. I’m sorry you had such a bad time of it.

But, don’t let anything discourage you. There are people out there who need you, so I’d say just give it a little time. I figure that most people aren’t used to seeing me around, yet and when the regular parishioners know that I’m a full-time member and not a tourist, then they’ll be more interested in making friends. And I’ll learn who are the tourists and who are the residents, too. 🙂

Smile and ask questions after mass. “Hi, I’m new and trying to learn my way around. Is there a gathering in the hall after mass? Where is the parish hall? Who is the volunteer coordinator? I’d love to find a place where I can help in the parish.” (Those last two are sort of magic words or phrases in any group or organization.) 😉

Volunteer coordinators are precious for the service they render the church and for the service that they render to people who want to be involved and make friends. People who are behind the scenes and perhaps even invisible are making a lot of good things happen.

Don’t be discouraged. Take heart in knowing that God has a place for you - there is a certain excitement in finding where it is. 🙂

Elizabeth
 
I can relate.

While I have an adventurous spirit, the shyness I’ve always had is still there and I find it very difficult to “put myself out there” and greet people I don’t know. My own private version of Hell woudl be to have to walk alone and hand out flyers to people. 😛

When I began “practicing” as a Catholic again I went from Church to church and asked God to help me meet people because I knew I needed to be a part of the community…and it sounds like this is where you are now.

But somehow I just couldn’t get involved. I still struggle with that. God did send me some friends I met even before I knew they attended my current parish and that helped. Then I made a decision to attend a Catholic Singles event. I had called the woman who runs the ministry to ask questions and she assured me that the events are not for singles only, but she invites singles especially. Obviously in the Spirit she realized that singles are not looking for pressure, but more often than not just a way to connect to the parish community. I met many wonderful people there, both married and single, and met the parish priests there also.

Amazing how meeting the priests on a personal level really helps to foster roots in the parish.

Then I attended Life in the Spirit seminar and met people who not only attend this parish but others, and now I’m a member of the Charismatic group. Thaks be to God I have my fingers in many “pots” in the parish, but I had to take the first steps.

If just volunteering for an event is scary for you (as it was for me), try attending a Bible study or some parish retreat or seminar, especially if it involves small groups (like Life in the Spirit does). Sometimes all it takes is one connection and through that person you meet more and more.

God bless you and I will pray for you as I understand where you are coming from!
 
I can certainly relate to that…

I miss greatly real friendships. Ever since we’ve immigrated to the US, I noticed the wall that people put between them and others. I guess it’s a trait of the American character, perhaps inherited from the British. It seems to me that “friendship” is seen exclusively from the professional perspective, i.e., an utilitarian view. Even in church, where there isn’t really much socializing anyway, in spite of the priest’s efforts.

Enough of my rant. :o

:blessyou:
 
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Steve-o:
I’m a pretty shy person and now that I’ve rejoined the Church and have just started attending my new parish, I have to ask the board’s advice on how to make friends. I often feel awkward, especially after registering at the Chruch’s rectory, where I just felt shuffled through. I’ve never been good at sustaining friendships and I believe people sense something about me that most don’t like. Despite my efforts, I just haven’t had much good fortune in forging new relationships. Must be the product of being an only child…your thoughts?
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I’m sure there’s many people who would appreciate your friendship. I say join some sort of a group, perhaps a reading group at your parish, or a committee of some sort, then making friends will come naturally. I can sympathize because seems all my good friends I had, moved away, and 1 died, and it is harder as you get older, isn’t it? I find the same as you----joined RCIA (just was confirmed) and even there, people just come and go so swiftly, they all have their own lives, hurrying here and there, it is really is hard to make friends. I think pray about it too. I did, and 1 very good friend came into my life, but she has a disability. I know we’ve blessed each other’s lives tremendously.

Remember, to get a friend, you have to BE a friend.

God Bless~
 
i’m an only child too. i have friends, but sometimes i’d rather be alone.

we’re praying you find some good friends, steve-o!
 
Hey, Steve!

I can relate! I just joined a new parish. I went to a meeting for the Confraternity of Chritian Mothers and 2 weeks later I was secretary!! Even though I don’t have problems meeting people I do not encourage deeper friendships I guess. Like you I have alot of casual friends but only a few true friends. I guess I do need to work on that. When I meet someone I connect with I will try to keep my end of the friendship going. It’s great you are making such an effort. You are an inspiration to me. Also remember that even 1 or 2 great friends can be better than a bunch of casual ones at times.
Prayers for you!!
Deenie
 
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Steve-o:
I might also add that while I am pretty shy, I am a pretty sociable person once I get used to folks. What I have had trouble with since way back in high school was maintaining and fostering deep, personal relationships with people (excluding my wife of course!). I’ve just never been able to do this. Sure, I’m gregarious and friendly to those I know, but nothing develops outside of a casual acquaintance. Perhaps this is merely the way life is, as many people come in and out of one’s life.
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Oh Steve I feel your pain. We moved to a new parish a year ago and have made many friends. The trouble is they are all really busy people with really large families. We are working on getting larger, expecting # 3 in about 6 weeks. However, I find that I really could use a good, deep, relationship with someone that I can just call and know that I’m not bothering them from their kids or family time or whatever. I feel like I’m always initiating get togethers and conversations but things rarely work out because of peoples busy lives. My DH works a lot and I can use the adult conversation. These forums have been great, however getting a phone call from a friend to just see how we’re doing would be most welcomed. Does this make any sense? Perhaps I’m just being hormonal and needy.

Thanks to everyone, I love these forums. I’ve learned a lot!
 
I’m in the same boat…sorta. I’ve even been fired - the only time I’ve ever been fired - from a job because I “wasn’t friendly enough” and also too slow.

For me I think I was just born shy, and I wish it wasn’t such a big problem for me!

Even when I do get up the courage to talk to someone new, it seems it ends in a few minutes and nothing else ever comes of it. I find I like other shy people a lot, so I made friends with the 40-something shut-in next door, and we’ve been friends ever since.

So anyway, that is my advice. Find someone else who seems shy.

You probably have what they call the “slow to warm” personality. I’m the same way. Once I’ve made friends, I’m very open with them. So the hardest part is the first step.

The other advice about getting involved is a good idea.
 
GET INVOLVED.

There is a FANTASTIC Catholic ministry called Couples for Christ (CFC) and their US Headquarters is based in Flordia too. Click on the links in my signature block to find out more information.
 
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