Making love to your husband

[ceceswa]

My husband and I are seperated and plan on getting a divorce. I havn’t seen him in a little over four months. He is scheduled to return here in about six weeks. My question is when he returns are we allowed to make love since we are still husband and wife?

I guess there’s more to this question. If we start trying to work things out when he gets back would it be okay to be one with him again. Where is the line for that if we are working on things? We are still married, and I’m not the one that wants the divorce. I don’t want to be used, so should I just go with my heart?

 

[JimG]

If you’re married, your’e allowed. But this puzzles me. Conjugal lovemaking is a way of saying with your body “I love you and want to be with you forever.” That’s the non-verbal statement being made. The question to ask is, if your husband wants to make love to you when he returns, will his lovemaking be a lie?

 

[Mt19_26]

If he wants to make love with you and still wants a divorce I would say he’s just using you.

 

[ceceswa]

JimG:

If you’re married, your’e allowed. But this puzzles me. Conjugal lovemaking is a way of saying with your body “I love you and want to be with you forever.” That’s the non-verbal statement being made. The question to ask is, if your husband wants to make love to you when he returns, will his lovemaking be a lie?

I don’t know if it would be a lie. He still tells me that he loves me and that he will always love me. I guess I’m confused. I don’t know, maybe I’m just holding onto the hope of him wanting me again.

 

[Timidity]

JimG:
If you’re married, your’e allowed.
And even if you’re “divorced,” you’re still married before God…

 

[masondoggy]

If he’s the one who wants a divorce, there’s a good chance he’s sleeping with other woman right now. That puts you at serious risk of STD’s. I know that’s hard to hear right now, but don’t take that risk. Wait until your sure he is firmly committed to your marriage and he gets tested for STD’s.

 

[Jenlyn]

Obviously your relationship is in trouble. You need to build the relationship again. The conjugal act is not the relationship and it can not mend the relationship.

Talk to him before he returns and set down the groud rules that you both can live with regarding this. That way there’s no “using” on either of your part.

 

[ceceswa]

Timidity:

And even if you’re “divorced,” you’re still married before God…

I’m not sure I undersatnd this point, are you asking if you’re still married in the eyes of God despite a divorce then are you allowed to be intimate with the person? If that’s the case, then what about if you have the marriage anulled?

 

[ceceswa]

masondoggy:

If he’s the one who wants a divorce, there’s a good chance he’s sleeping with other woman right now. That puts you at serious risk of STD’s. I know that’s hard to hear right now, but don’t take that risk. Wait until your sure he is firmly committed to your marriage and he gets tested for STD’s.

As nieve as this may sound, I truly in my heart do not believe that he has been with anyone else. He’s been away because he’s military. We’ve been in counceling for a long time, and we’re just not compatable. I don’t think that he has ever cheated on me.

 

[YinYangMom]

ceceswa:

I’m not sure I undersatnd this point, are you asking if you’re still married in the eyes of God despite a divorce then are you allowed to be intimate with the person? If that’s the case, then what about if you have the marriage anulled?

Actually, those are good questions. I don’t have the answers.

But beyond the legalities…focus on the “intent” of the laws/guidelines.

Intimacy is husband and wife renewing their covenant with God.
If God is not part of the marital embrace then it’s likely to be a giving into one’s lusts in the moment (sex), not a true expresssion of everlasing love (making love).

It’s possible you’re setting yourself up here for disappointment no matter what.

You say your husband is returning, though you are separated and he’s seeking a divorce.

If you are separated then you don’t live in the same house and therefore you don’t share a bedroom, why would you think sex is a possibility?

Has he given you any indication at all that he intends to sleep with you when he returns?

Whose house would this be in, his, yours?

In either case you would have to willingly consent to such an act and I don’t see logically why you would.

I get that you don’t want the divorce.
That means you still love this man and it appears you can love this man forever, should he change his mind about the divorce.
That’s good.
But until he changes his mind there is no lovemaking, there is only sex and there is a HUGE difference between the two.

While you would not be sinning to have relations with him since you are still married, I believe you would be setting yourself up for a lot of hurt if you do.

Don’t go with your heart here.
Go with the advice of the Church.

Wives are called to honor and obey their husbands, but that’s when the husband is honoring and protecting his wife. A loving husband would never do anything to harm his wife, physically, emotionally or spiritually. He would rather die first.
When you have a husband like that, then you can trust in his desires for you.
When you have a husband who says he wants a divorce - which he knows you don’t want and therefore would hurt you - then he has already broken his vows with you and you are no longer obliged to trust and obey when he seeks intimate relations with you.

The church recognizes and honors the dignity of women.
She will protect you if you follow Her guidelines.
Trust in Her teachings here.

Oh, and take this time to truly explore the two children you have!
This is a wonderful, wonderful stage of life they are in and it goes by so quickly. Soak them up as much as you can, observe their personality traits, bond with them…let them feel your breath, feel the warmth of your hugs, hear your laughter, let them truly feel they are everything to you now because it’s the foundation they will have when they get older and sassier.

It seems you’re so anxious to have #3 that you are tossing aside #1 already and hardly even noticing #2. That would be a very sad thing.

 

[JimG]

ceceswa:

I don’t know if it would be a lie. He still tells me that he loves me and that he will always love me.

So why does he want a divorce?

 

[YinYangMom]

YinYangMom:

Actually, those are good questions. I don’t have the answers.

But beyond the legalities…focus on the “intent” of the laws/guidelines.

Intimacy is husband and wife renewing their covenant with God.
If God is not part of the marital embrace then it’s likely to be a giving into one’s lusts in the moment (sex), not a true expresssion of everlasing love (making love).

It’s possible you’re setting yourself up here for disappointment no matter what.

You say your husband is returning, though you are separated and he’s seeking a divorce.

If you are separated then you don’t live in the same house and therefore you don’t share a bedroom, why would you think sex is a possibility?

Has he given you any indication at all that he intends to sleep with you when he returns?

Whose house would this be in, his, yours?

In either case you would have to willingly consent to such an act and I don’t see logically why you would.

I get that you don’t want the divorce.
That means you still love this man and it appears you can love this man forever, should he change his mind about the divorce.
That’s good.
But until he changes his mind there is no lovemaking, there is only sex and there is a HUGE difference between the two.

While you would not be sinning to have relations with him since you are still married, I believe you would be setting yourself up for a lot of hurt if you do.

Don’t go with your heart here.
Go with the advice of the Church.

Wives are called to honor and obey their husbands, but that’s when the husband is honoring and protecting his wife. A loving husband would never do anything to harm his wife, physically, emotionally or spiritually. He would rather die first.
When you have a husband like that, then you can trust in his desires for you.
When you have a husband who says he wants a divorce - which he knows you don’t want and therefore would hurt you - then he has already broken his vows with you and you are no longer obliged to trust and obey when he seeks intimate relations with you.

The church recognizes and honors the dignity of women.
She will protect you if you follow Her guidelines.
Trust in Her teachings here.

Oooops… I edited the wrong post in the wrong thread before.

 

[ceceswa]

YinYangMom:

Actually, those are good questions. I don’t have the answers.

But beyond the legalities…focus on the “intent” of the laws/guidelines.

Intimacy is husband and wife renewing their covenant with God.
If God is not part of the marital embrace then it’s likely to be a giving into one’s lusts in the moment (sex), not a true expresssion of everlasing love (making love).

It’s possible you’re setting yourself up here for disappointment no matter what.

You say your husband is returning, though you are separated and he’s seeking a divorce.

If you are separated then you don’t live in the same house and therefore you don’t share a bedroom, why would you think sex is a possibility?

Has he given you any indication at all that he intends to sleep with you when he returns?

Whose house would this be in, his, yours?

In either case you would have to willingly consent to such an act and I don’t see logically why you would.

I get that you don’t want the divorce.
That means you still love this man and it appears you can love this man forever, should he change his mind about the divorce.
That’s good.
But until he changes his mind there is no lovemaking, there is only sex and there is a HUGE difference between the two.

While you would not be sinning to have relations with him since you are still married, I believe you would be setting yourself up for a lot of hurt if you do.

Don’t go with your heart here.
Go with the advice of the Church.

Wives are called to honor and obey their husbands, but that’s when the husband is honoring and protecting his wife. A loving husband would never do anything to harm his wife, physically, emotionally or spiritually. He would rather die first.
When you have a husband like that, then you can trust in his desires for you.
When you have a husband who says he wants a divorce - which he knows you don’t want and therefore would hurt you - then he has already broken his vows with you and you are no longer obliged to trust and obey when he seeks intimate relations with you.

The church recognizes and honors the dignity of women.
She will protect you if you follow Her guidelines.
Trust in Her teachings here.

Oh, and take this time to truly explore the two children you have!
This is a wonderful, wonderful stage of life they are in and it goes by so quickly. Soak them up as much as you can, observe their personality traits, bond with them…let them feel your breath, feel the warmth of your hugs, hear your laughter, let them truly feel they are everything to you now because it’s the foundation they will have when they get older and sassier.

It seems you’re so anxious to have #3 that you are tossing aside #1 already and hardly even noticing #2. That would be a very sad thing.

You brought up very good points. I do just need to follow the church’s teachings.
I’m not trying to have another child though. I love the two I have with everything I have, but to bring another child into the relationship that we are in would not be very smart. I do make my children my focus, but when I’m lying in bed late at night with no one beside me I feel like I need my husband.

 

[ceceswa]

JimG:

So why does he want a divorce?

Honestly, I believe that he wants to be single. He’s a young attractive man that has women trying to get his attention all of the time. We were very young when we got married and we were virgins, so I think he believes there’s something he’s missed out on. I guess he wants to have those experiences before he gets too old and he doesn’t want to cheat on me, so if I’m not around he’s free to do what he wants.

 

[YinYangMom]

ceceswa:

You brought up very good points. I do just need to follow the church’s teachings.
I’m not trying to have another child though. I love the two I have with everything I have, but to bring another child into the relationship that we are in would not be very smart. I do make my children my focus, but when I’m lying in bed late at night with no one beside me I feel like I need my husband.

Oh my!
You really have children already?! And two, at that?

Those last two paragraphs were directed to another poster on an entirely different thread. I mistakenly added them to my post to you so this is so odd that the adivce could actually apply to you, especially since you never mentioned anything about having kids.

Well, bless your heart and soul. I feel for you, I truly do. But you are blessed with two children and you need to keep them in mind in all you do.

As for those nights…ah, you’re young, and you saved yourself for this man, so that is understandable. Pray to Mary on those nights. Say the rosary, for you and for him, and perhaps he will grow up as you suspect is what he needs to do.

Speak to your priest too, perhaps he has access to resources or people who can support you through this.

 

[Courtneyjo]

ceceswa:

Honestly, I believe that he wants to be single. He’s a young attractive man that has women trying to get his attention all of the time. We were very young when we got married and we were virgins, so I think he believes there’s something he’s missed out on. I guess he wants to have those experiences before he gets too old and he doesn’t want to cheat on me, so if I’m not around he’s free to do what he wants.

Your marriage has a special cross because your husband is in the military. He is under alot of peer pressure to be unfaithful. It goes with the territory. You have to seriously consider that he has been unfaithful. While deployed away from home he has many opportunities. That he is young and attractive is irrelevant. When people want to sin they find a way to rationalize it.

Unless your husband wants to be a husband to you, marital relations as a means of reconciliation are wrong. When you are lonely at night, praying the rosary is a good idea. Praying along with a tape or CD can help.

You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[ceceswa]

Courtneyjo:

Your marriage has a special cross because your husband is in the military. He is under alot of peer pressure to be unfaithful. It goes with the territory. You have to seriously consider that he has been unfaithful. While deployed away from home he has many opportunities. That he is young and attractive is irrelevant. When people want to sin they find a way to rationalize it.

Unless your husband wants to be a husband to you, marital relations as a means of reconciliation are wrong. When you are lonely at night, praying the rosary is a good idea. Praying along with a tape or CD can help.

You and your family are in my prayers.

I definetely know about the peer pressure to be unfaithful from his buddies. Since we’ve been married his single friends have pushed him to go to strip clubs and go out to night clubs and drink. To them it’s funny and cool if he cheats on me. They see it as just being a man. I did speak with my priest yesterday. He told me that it would not be a sin to be with him, but it would not be the right thing to do for myself. Now I just have to stick with it and be strong enough to resist him. Thank you everybody for your advice.

 

[Courtneyjo]

ceceswa:

I definetely know about the peer pressure to be unfaithful from his buddies. Since we’ve been married his single friends have pushed him to go to strip clubs and go out to night clubs and drink. To them it’s funny and cool if he cheats on me. They see it as just being a man. I did speak with my priest yesterday. He told me that it would not be a sin to be with him, but it would not be the right thing to do for myself. Now I just have to stick with it and be strong enough to resist him. Thank you everybody for your advice.

Infidelity and drunkenness are two big hazards of military life. It takes an especially strong and focused person to resist the pressure. Your husband’s single friends are no friends to either of you. Your priest gave you good advice. Reconciling a broken marriage in the marriage bed only works if you and your husband have recommitted to being married. I know many women who’ve had another child as a result of such an attempted reconciliation. Nine months later they have a lovely child and no father for the child because the husband has left. Listen to your priest.

 

[KCT]

ceceswa:

Honestly, I believe that he wants to be single. He’s a young attractive man that has women trying to get his attention all of the time. We were very young when we got married and we were virgins, so I think he believes there’s something he’s missed out on. I guess he wants to have those experiences before he gets too old and he doesn’t want to cheat on me, so if I’m not around he’s free to do what he wants.

If he wants to be with other women, why would you want him in your bed? Wouldn’t you be wondering if he’s with you but thinking about someone else? Or using you until he goes on to the next woman?

I say, no intimacy until he commits to working it out and acts on that commitment. (couseling, Retrouvaille weekend or whatever) —KCT

 

[jkatpc]

Courtneyjo:

Infidelity and drunkenness are two big hazards of military life. It takes an especially strong and focused person to resist the pressure. Your husband’s single friends are no friends to either of you. Your priest gave you good advice. Reconciling a broken marriage in the marriage bed only works if you and your husband have recommitted to being married. I know many women who’ve had another child as a result of such an attempted reconciliation. Nine months later they have a lovely child and no father for the child because the husband has left. Listen to your priest.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! I’ve been in the military for 23 years and can tell you that faithfulness and having fun with buddies on liberty are absolutely compatible. If you are going to cheat, you will do so regardless of occupation. Many other jobs offer “opportunities” to stray; please don’t categorize all of us in the military as the rabble sailors of yesteryear.