Making love to your husband

[armywife]

I can’t imagine everything you are feeling, but I can realate to some of it. We have been married five years and my husband has been deployed a total of two and we have three children… Military life has so many added pressures.

He is seeing his single friends do whatever they want and because you did marry young he want’s to experience what they are doing too. The both of you need to talk very seriously (needless to say) and he needs to understand he will have two children he will hardly ever see. Especially if he stays in the military. Is he ready to give up his children and a wife, whom he says he loves for single freedom. It is very hard when you marry young and all his friends are still single and he has the obligations of a family. I have seen this happen many times in the military. The grass is always greener on the other side. My husband went through this a little, too.

I would do my best to stay strong and not sleep with him on redeployment. THese things need to be straightened out first. Please message me if you want to talk.

You are in my prayers

 

[Courtneyjo]

jkatpc:

Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! I’ve been in the military for 23 years and can tell you that faithfulness and having fun with buddies on liberty are absolutely compatible. If you are going to cheat, you will do so regardless of occupation. Many other jobs offer “opportunities” to stray; please don’t categorize all of us in the military as the rabble sailors of yesteryear.

I was not categorizing all of the military. I didn’t say all of the military, and would never say that. My husband, for one, was able to withstand the pressure, but many of our friends didn’t. There is no comparable civilian job where you are on the job 24/7, called to give your life at a moment’s notice, called to deploy to the other side of the world for months and months at a time with 48 hours notice, called to be away from your family for that amount of time, and so on. It has its own unique set of pressures that can lead to destructive behavior. Marriages that aren’t strong can become casualties.

 

[Fashina86]

Wow… I guess I would agree with the rest. Be consciensous about the pressure he is under and don’t rush. If you are going to divorce, why have sex for “love”? I am still confused about that. Don’t get yourself hurt and pray. Also talk to your priest about. He may have an answer. You have my prayers

Laura

 

[SemperJase]

YinYangMom:

But until he changes his mind there is no lovemaking, there is only sex and there is a HUGE difference between the two.

YinYangMom’s words are wise here. A man who plans on divorce is not loving his wife.

I’m going to be frank here.

In this situation I strongly urge you to try to understand the difference between male and female sexuality. Here it is:

Women use sex to get love.
Men use love to get sex.

I notice you said he tells you he loves you and that he always will. He clearly is not acting on it as long as he is planning divorce. Actions speak louder than words. A man simply does not divorce the woman he loves. The word love means nothing in that case.

I’ve seen this scenario play out many times. Couple is splittting up. Man tells woman he still “loves” her even though he has already admitted he is thinking of leaving her. Woman sleeps with him to prove her love thinking it will re-create those feelings in him. Later she wonders why he is still seeking the divorce. The reason why is that he actually did not love her in the way she understands the word.

To answer your question specifically, no it is not a sin to have sex with your husband. However, I strongly advise you not to do so until he has recommited himself to your marriage. As YinYangMom said, it would be sex not lovemaking and mostly likely you will feel empty after the experience.

Keep in mind, a man shows respect (and love) to his wife by keeping his commitment and fidelity to her. Telling you he wants a divorce is not fidelity. If he is asking for sex while that commitment is broken, he is showing you disrespect. You should require his fidelity before engaging in sex with him.

I’m optimistic that your marriage can be saved. Sex without his renewed commitment is not the way to do it though. It won’t work.

 

[Katie1723]

ceceswa:

Honestly, I believe that he wants to be single. He’s a young attractive man that has women trying to get his attention all of the time. We were very young when we got married and we were virgins, so I think he believes there’s something he’s missed out on. I guess he wants to have those experiences before he gets too old and he doesn’t want to cheat on me, so if I’m not around he’s free to do what he wants.

Oh my dear. It sounds to me like there are many issues here. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who treats you badly? And can you be certain he wasn’t “with anyone else”?

Geez, sounds to me like he is just looking for a good time and feels because you are still married it is his “right”. You have rights too and need to tell him so.

And what you would be doing,if you chose to be with him is “having sex”…NOT “making love”
~ Kathy ~

 

[Chris7]

ceceswa:

I don’t know if it would be a lie. He still tells me that he loves me and that he will always love me. I guess I’m confused. I don’t know, maybe I’m just holding onto the hope of him wanting me again.

Is he in sales?

 

[DJgang]

ceceswa:

Honestly, I believe that he wants to be single. He’s a young attractive man that has women trying to get his attention all of the time. We were very young when we got married and we were virgins, so I think he believes there’s something he’s missed out on. I guess he wants to have those experiences before he gets too old and he doesn’t want to cheat on me, so if I’m not around he’s free to do what he wants.

The “girls” and I use to have this saying…and there’s a lot of knowledge behind it IMO…

“HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND TO EAT IT TOO!”

He wants to do what he wants to do…get the divorce from you…then when he’s done…he wants you around afterwards?

Sounds like he doesn’t take the Sacrement of Marriage seriously!

You are in my prayers!

 

[masondoggy]

ceceswa:

I definetely know about the peer pressure to be unfaithful from his buddies. Since we’ve been married his single friends have pushed him to go to strip clubs and go out to night clubs and drink. To them it’s funny and cool if he cheats on me. They see it as just being a man.

I could have written that exact line above the first two years of my marriage. I know what your going through because DH and I had the very same problems. I just want to let you know that your marriage can be saved through prayer and faith in God. DH and I came 2 steps from divorce court, but I decided instead of filing those papers to put everything in God’s hands. He COMPLETELY changed that immature boy I was married to into a great, committed husband and father. We will celebrate our 9th anniversary next month! It IS possible!

 

[ceceswa]

KCT:

If he wants to be with other women, why would you want him in your bed? Wouldn’t you be wondering if he’s with you but thinking about someone else? Or using you until he goes on to the next woman?

I say, no intimacy until he commits to working it out and acts on that commitment. (couseling, Retrouvaille weekend or whatever) —KCT

I’ve wondered if he’s been thinking about somebody else while he’s with me for the past 6 years. I already know the feeling of being used by him, I guess that’s a part of the reason why I was considering being with him. But I think all of you are right. He would just be using me. I’m just so lonely, I thought it could fill a small void when it would most likely create a larger one.

 

[ceceswa]

Women use sex to get love.
Men use love to get sex.

Why do men think this way? Are they all like this, because I think I’ll be giving up on finding a good one if it’s true. Why can’t men look at love the way that we do?

I’ve made my decision, I won’t be with him when he returns.

 

[StratusRose]

ceceswa:

Honestly, I believe that he wants to be single. He’s a young attractive man that has women trying to get his attention all of the time. We were very young when we got married and we were virgins, so I think he believes there’s something he’s missed out on. I guess he wants to have those experiences before he gets too old and he doesn’t want to cheat on me, so if I’m not around he’s free to do what he wants.

If he’s lamenting over “lost experiences” he just needs to get over it, that ship has sailed. It sounds to me that he is willing to sacrifice his family so he can sleep around with other women.

I agree with the poster who said he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If I were you, I wouldn’t stand idly by and let him have his way.

If those are his real motivations, remind him that they are very selfish. Tell him to think of those kids when they have to explain to their friends that they can’t do things on the weekends because they have to go to daddy’s house. Take it from me, I was one of those kids.

 

[Princess_Abby]

ceceswa:

I’ve made my decision, I won’t be with him when he returns.

I just want to tell you how smart I think you are for having thought this through and really searched your heart, before he even returns. It is so hard in the heat of any moment to make well-informed decisions and act in our own best interest and that of the other person, especially when emotions and feelings are involved. I think you’ve made the right decision. Be strong!

 

[ceceswa]

StratusRose:

If he’s lamenting over “lost experiences” he just needs to get over it, that ship has sailed. It sounds to me that he is willing to sacrifice his family so he can sleep around with other women.

I agree with the poster who said he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If I were you, I wouldn’t stand idly by and let him have his way.

If those are his real motivations, remind him that they are very selfish. Tell him to think of those kids when they have to explain to their friends that they can’t do things on the weekends because they have to go to daddy’s house. Take it from me, I was one of those kids.

We’ve gone over it so many times. This is what he wants, and I’m tired of fighting him for one nice glance. I understand your point about the kids, but I’d rather them have that situation than let them grow up thinking it’s okay for a husband to treat his wife without respect, and for the wife to just take it. I don’t want my son or daughter to think this is the way they are supposed to be in a relationship.

My priest agrees that I’m putting my children above my own emotional needs. Maybe some day they will see me in a happy relationship, and maybe someday they’ll see their dad in a happy relationship.

 

[momof3boys]

ceceswa:

I’d rather them have that situation than let them grow up thinking it’s okay for a husband to treat his wife without respect, and for the wife to just take it. I don’t want my son or daughter to think this is the way they are supposed to be in a relationship.

I absolutely agree with you here. I would not want my children to see my husband treating me in a negative way & grow up thinking that is normal. If he doesn’t want to be commited to you & the kids, then good riddance. Don’t let him use you anymore.

 

[mumto5]

ceceswa:

Women use sex to get love.
Men use love to get sex.

Why do men think this way? Are they all like this, because I think I’ll be giving up on finding a good one if it’s true. Why can’t men look at love the way that we do?

I’ve made my decision, I won’t be with him when he returns.

Well, me and my husband strongly disagree with this - yes, both of us. For both of us, without love sex is meaningless. My husband was 24 and a virgin when I met him. He had never been anywhere near intimate with a woman. Not all men are sex obsessed and bent on getting it even if they have to pretend to love for it.

For my man, love is what gives the desire for sex and intimate sharing. Yes, sex is physically pleasurable, but my man enjoys teh emotional closeness much more. I realise he’s maybe not your typical male but good ones like this are out there and really do think this way. When I was feeling weak, he was the one who suggested we wait. I wish they were all like this and I pray my daughter’s find a man like this and that my sons will grow up to be as mature as their father.

 

[StratusRose]

ceceswa:

We’ve gone over it so many times. This is what he wants, and I’m tired of fighting him for one nice glance. I understand your point about the kids, but I’d rather them have that situation than let them grow up thinking it’s okay for a husband to treat his wife without respect, and for the wife to just take it. I don’t want my son or daughter to think this is the way they are supposed to be in a relationship.

My priest agrees that I’m putting my children above my own emotional needs. Maybe some day they will see me in a happy relationship, and maybe someday they’ll see their dad in a happy relationship.

I see your point, and I agree with you. Bless you for making such a sacrifice for your children.

 

[ceceswa]

mumto5:

Well, me and my husband strongly disagree with this - yes, both of us. For both of us, without love sex is meaningless. My husband was 24 and a virgin when I met him. He had never been anywhere near intimate with a woman. Not all men are sex obsessed and bent on getting it even if they have to pretend to love for it.

For my man, love is what gives the desire for sex and intimate sharing. Yes, sex is physically pleasurable, but my man enjoys teh emotional closeness much more. I realise he’s maybe not your typical male but good ones like this are out there and really do think this way. When I was feeling weak, he was the one who suggested we wait. I wish they were all like this and I pray my daughter’s find a man like this and that my sons will grow up to be as mature as their father.

I’m really happy for you guys. I think I can honestly say that my husband never had that total emotional connection with me. I did have the feelings for him for a long time, but after so long of not really being wanted those feelings are pretty much dead.
I pray that I can find someone someday that will really love me, I think it’s going to be a pretty strenuous search though.

 

[LovedOne]

ceceswa:

I’m really happy for you guys. I think I can honestly say that my husband never had that total emotional connection with me. I did have the feelings for him for a long time, but after so long of not really being wanted those feelings are pretty much dead.
I pray that I can find someone someday that will really love me, I think it’s going to be a pretty strenuous search though.

My heart goes out to you. What a painful place to be.
I have mixed feelings about the best way to proceed, but I think you sound wise and will do the right thing.

May I ask a question about your husband because I think it is important.
What kind of a background does he have? What was his childhood like? Parents - divorced? Still married? Ever married?
Faithful?
While he sounds very immature, he may have had a bad example set for him by his father.
If on the other hand, he had a good upbringing, examples set and atmosphere - there may be hope.
I am so reluctant to recommend a family with children break up.
If there is ANY hope (and there always is with our loving God) then I would focus on the things that could possibly build that relationship back up again. Afterall, he CHOSE to marry you. He at one time loved you and wanted you.
And - he made BABIES with you. He has an incredible moral obligation to be committed to that no matter how he “feels” right now.
Love is not a “feeling” - it is a DECISION.

So… I am going to pray for a miracle for you and your husband.
God is still in the miracle business. He loves you and your husband and your children more than you could possibly know or love each other.
Pray and ask St. Rita to intercede for you.
She is the patron saint of “impossible causes.” And SHE herself was married for years to a monster of a husband who eventually converted.

I know you have tried so many things and are feeling hopeless.
I just want to encourage you to not give up hope - yet.

Lastly, while I understand where you are coming from in deciding you will not sleep with your husband when he returns, and I do understand that, I would think about maybe waiting till he does in fact come home to make the final decision.
Because in the meantime you are going to be praying for a miracle. I am going to be praying for a miracle. We are all going to be praying for a miracle for you.
Let FAITH (even if it’s the size of a mustard seed) carry you till then. See what God can do and has planned for you.
And THEN - make your decision.
It may go just as you are expecting - then again, God’s ways are not our ways and His way may be different.

God bless you sweetheart.

 

[ceceswa]

LovedOne:

May I ask a question about your husband because I think it is important.
What kind of a background does he have? What was his childhood like? Parents - divorced? Still married? Ever married?
Faithful?
While he sounds very immature, he may have had a bad example set for him by his father.
If on the other hand, he had a good upbringing, examples set and atmosphere - there may be hope.
.

My husband had a horrible upbringing. His father was an alcoholic who beat his mother regularly. When he was 5 his mother finally left his father after coming home and finding my husband tied to a ceiling fan that was on.
When his father realized they were gone he went after them. Thank God he was pulled over for drunk driving on his way to find them. Because he told the police he was on his way to kill his wife and children. His father wasn’t in their life a lot after that and then he commited suicide when my husband was about 14.
His mother is addicted to marijuana and his x-stepfather is a drug dealer. Besides all of this his father did cheat on his mother constantly. So I guess I don’t hold out a lot of hope for him changing. By the way, I only knew a little about his father before I married him, and I didn’t know all about his mom at the time either.
I think it’s best to go through with the divorce even though I do still love him.

 

[SemperJase]

ceceswa:

Women use sex to get love.
Men use love to get sex.

Why do men think this way? Are they all like this, because I think I’ll be giving up on finding a good one if it’s true. Why can’t men look at love the way that we do?

Why do men think this way? That’s how God made us and we know God’s creation is good.

This does not mean that all men use women. Men feel and demonstrate love in a way that is different than women. Even though is is different it is complimentary not contradictory.

It is because men look at love the way we do that we are driven to provide and protect those we love.

In the framework of family we look at love differently because that is what children need. They don’t need two mothers. They need the female nuturing and the male aspects of provision.

I recently heard of a study observing parents and children on play grounds. Mothers generally kept children within about 6 feet before worrying about them. Father’s wouldn’t worry until their children got to 20 to 25 feet away. They were the ones encouraging their children to climb higher and explore. Kids need both perspectives.

In addition, women aren’t really attracted to men who are in touch with their femine side. They also want a provider.