Male consecrated virgins

[Anna_Weber]

I was wondering if anyone can help me - can my nephew be a consecrated virgin?

My nephew has lived with me since he was 17. He is now 23. He assists me with my living (I have been ill) and is very obedient and pure. We pray together and do everything Catholic together. He has his own room here in my house which is something of a little chapel. I have never once had an argument with him and he does my chores, shopping, cleaning and helps with entertaining guests. He accepts discipline happily and does what he is told. He is very chaste and somewhat shy.

He says he feels his vocation is to look after me. I would still like to help him find a proper work for his goodness. I know that young girls who are carers can be consecrated virgins - can younger males be as well? Or something like that state.

I would appreciate any advice that can be provided.

Anna

 

[Catholic90]

Does HE have any interest in being a consecrated virgin?

“accepts discipline happily” at 23? That has me confused…if he is so very obedient and pure, what could there be to possibly discipline?

What does HE want to do with his life? Does he have ambition for an education? What does he want to be when he grows up?

 

[Warrior1979]

A man can certainly live a consecrated life, but I’m not sure that men are referred to as consecrated virgins.

 

[chris138]

Has he considered becoming a priest or a brother? Just a thought. I am a member of the Pauline family(Holy Family Institute which is consecration for married and widowed) they have the following for single men/women:

The Annunciationists and the Gabrielites

In 1958, while the West was prospering materially but languishing spiritually and communism was in full vigor but humanly bankrupt, Fr. Alberione invited men and women while continuing to live in a secular world to follow the evangelical counsels of poverty, chastity and obedience. They bring their intensity and deep love of God into the workplace, along the highways of the secular city. They gently show that God is alive and well.

If he would like information on this you can PM me and I will give you my directors name and number for more information.

Sounds like a wonderful young man—hmmm I have a 19 yo daughter

 

[tjwdsssc2015]

Sounds like a delightful young man!

First, in response to your underlying question:

The Rite for the Consecration to a Life of Virginity according to the Roman Catholic Liturgy is reserved for women only. According to the introduction of the rite:

“The custom of consecrating women to a life of virginity flourished even in the early Church. It led to the formation of a solemn rite constituting the candidate a sacred person, a surpassing sign of the Church’s love for Christ, and an eschatological image of the world to come and the glory of the heavenly Bride of Christ. In the rite of consecration the Church reveals its love of virginity, begs God’s grace on those who are consecrated, and prays with fervor for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit” (Rites Chapter I, paragraph 1).

Honestly, the main reason is biological: virginity is as much a physiological state of the body as it is a pure state of mind. On the one hand, women are generally thought to be more pure of mind than men. On the other hand, “virginity” for a woman is physiologically determined by the status of her hymen, while “virginity” for a man is determined by genital emissions. One notes that among the Saints, only women are ever listed as “virgins”. Because men inevitably have nocturnal emissions at some point or another, men are never considered virgins. [However, this could raise the question of a prepubescent boy being considered a virgin.]

In short, this is why your nephew would not be able to be a Consecrated Virgin as such.

But do not lose hope! Fear not! Because:

Second, there are ways–some have been mentioned by other responders–that he may live a certain type of consecrated life of celibacy while remaining in the world. chris138 mentioned some options, and I would include the Work started by St. Josemaria Escriva: Opus Dei. There are four ways for one to be associated directly into Opus Dei, two for lay people, two for priests: lay members may be numeraries (celibate) or supernumeraries (non-celibate, or married); priests (in the Priestly Society of the Holy Cross) may be either diocesan or of the Prelature (i.e., taken from male numeraries). Opus Dei members do not take vows, but contractual, verbal oath; this promise does not come lightly, but after a period of spiritual and human formation.

If this is something he might at all be interested in, I would start by having him read this article on “The Vocation to Opus Dei”: opusdei.us/art.php?p=11401

There are also other great documents about the Work on the Opus Dei website. (Be careful when searching the web for documents about Opus Dei: some will seem to be legitimate, but will actually be false documents intended to slander Opus Dei and inevitably the whole Church).

The next thing to do would be to talk to a priest, particularly the vocations director for your diocese. If he’s thinking about Opus Dei, he can talk to an Opus Dei priest in the area.

Ultimately, though, it is most important that this is something that he wants, not just something you want for him; and I correct myself immediately, to over emphasize that it’s not even what he wants, but what God wants for him–something that can only be mediated between God and himself (and a good spiritual director can help with that).

The nice thing about Opus Dei is it’s charism for the sanctification of work: we continue to do what we normally do, but we do it with new purpose–for God. I mention it primarily because he can continue to serve the infirm as a numerary, and if he is called to be a priest, he could be a priest in the Prelature. Yet, at the same time, perhaps he feels called to be in a different sort of religious life, in a community, or in solitude. Or perhaps the consecration is only private between him and God.

I hope this helps! I will keep him in my prayers that he will find his vocation!

God love you

 

[Anna_Weber]

Thank you to everyone who has responded
.
I probably did not give enough detail. I am soon to retire school teacher. I have movement difficulties due to a serious accident and am sometimes needing assistance. I am a devout Catholic and I keep a very Catholic home.

My nephew’s name is Jon. Jon’s parents have passed, so he came to live with me some 6+ years ago now. When Jon arrived he was already a faithful Catholic and being with me has, I hope, only strengthened him. Jon finished high school and now works happily in a clerical job in the city library. Jon lives with me in a spare room in my house. He is a true blessing, ad real pleasure to have live with me. He helps to keep the house clean and presentable, and he does much of the work that I cannot do because of mobility problems. We attend church together and we pray together and share a great deal as aunt and nephew.

I did not mean by discipline that he is poorly behaved at all. But the rule of my house is that I monitor what is watched on TV or looked at on the internet and my nephew accepts that, as he does that he should dress properly, and be well mannered and obedient. I am not helping my nephew if I were to permit him to be like everyone else is now.

I had read about consecrated virgins (CV) for girls and I was just wondering if there was something similar for young men. I can say that I have put no pressure on Jon and he has said he wants to stay with me and continue helping me. I repeat I have put no pressure on him.

I was just wondering if he had some CV type of vocation? It is a pity that the answer is no and think it should be considered for young Catholic males who wish to be dedicated in their chastity and docility.

 

[Formosus]

The male equivalent of a consecrated virgin is to become a consecrated hermit. If your nephew wants to do that, then that is something he would need to discern with his local bishop.

 

[Dale_M]

The male equivalent of a consecrated virgin is to become a consecrated hermit. If your nephew wants to do that, then that is something he would need to discern with his local bishop.

But are the two actually equivalent? Consecrated virgins are not expected to disengage from the world, whereas consecrated hermits are. And, of course, women can be consecrated hermits as well. So I am thinking the two vocations have some important differences.

On the other hand, being a consecrated hermit might well be what Anna had in mind. Here is a some information which is intended to help an individual decide if they have a vocation as a consecrated hermit

Resource Material for the Discernment of Hermit Vocations
dioceseoflacrosse.com/ministry_resources/consecratedlife/DiscerningEremiticalLifefromCongCL.pdf

 

[reginacaeli]

As a teacher about to retire, you might be anywhere between 52 to your mid 60s or older. His feeling called to help take care of you is great. Does he have any sense about what he will do when you don’t need his help anymore (because you need more care and you need a live-in facility, or you pass into eternity)?

Does he have any sense about whether he is called to care for people in general, or you in particular?

Does he have a sense that he is called to remain celibate throughout his life?

Has he found a spirituality (usually affiliated with a religious order) that speaks to his heart? Does he think he should have one, but hasn’t found one?

Does he have a spiritual director? If not, does he think it would be good for him to have one, if only he could find one …

I would just recommend that he just ask God regularly, daily, to make His will more clear to him in this regard.

I didn’t have a spiritual director and had tried to find one. I prayed for two years and was able to obtain one. It took seven years before it was finally clear to me that I should be living in the world and with which spirituality.

 

[Anna_Weber]

I have received a number of private messages so will respond publicly. Some messages criticise me for somehow influencing my nephew’s discernment process and for acting as his caring Catholic aunt and guardian.

All I wanted to find out, so as to help Jon, was whether - should he feel called - Jon could be a CV and thus have a religious state while living with me and also going about his life.

It is disappointing to me that the Church has not thought of this for young men, who may wish to look after dependent parents or relatives but also be in a formalised religious state. We should celebrate servant men/boys who wish to remain pure, humble and serving in their local church/parish.

I did not directly influence Jon’s embrace of chastity. He arrived a very pure boy and has since been aided by our parish priest’s helpful influence. Jon has always been very docile to me and to our priest. When Jon turned 18 he had a long discussion with Jon about chastity and purity and what his vocation was. Our PP also directed Jon in chastity and in mortifications, and gave him a St Joseph’s chastity and mortification belt, as well as a special neckband which as a cross and a miraculos medal. Our PP encouraged John to look to Marian example and to embrace a humble servant’s attitude, which Jon has done. At this time, I did not direct Jon religiously but I admit I did have rules and structure for Jon and my living together as Aunt-Nephew in a Catholic house. Fortunately, Jon’s chastity, purity, humility and politeness were in place and our PP encouraged Jon along this path. Jon is very prayerful and very hardworking - at home he is either praying or he is doing chores or looking after me. When he was 18 or so, he did embrace a humility of appearance - he has a very short haircut. When he is at home and on weekends, he always wears a white shirt, blue pants and roman sandals, as white and blue are Mary’s colours, with his cross and MM neckband. I did first encourage him in this, perhaps showing my school teacher side as I like school uniforms, but also because a humble appearance would reflect his inner purity as well. Jon’s manners are beautiful as well - he still calls me “Auntie Anna” and addresses everyone properly as Father, Mr or Mrs or Miss. I also have “loaned” Jon to Church ladies on the weekends, as many live alone and would like some company and someone to pray with them. He is a wonderful nephew and suppose he would make an excellent brother. However he says he feels he is in his proper place and very content.

While we do not too much discuss his practice of chastity, Jon has said that he links his virginity and chastity to his practice of purity and mortification. He said it frees him to serve others (he helps me in so many ways). I often have others say to me that they wish their own children were like Jon, but that really shows how what a blessing he is, not anything to do with me!

But I think rules and structure are important to avoid corruption, especially of young people. Every day, we have a structure for our day, from prayers to meals to chores. We also have rules and, while Jon is 23, the rules apply whether he is 3 or 13 or 23. He knows he can only use our computer with my permission and that I will watch what he does. He knows he cannot watch TV without me. He knows we have evening prayer at 9pm and then to bed. He knows I will come into his room and inspect it every weekend. He knows if we go to the swimming baths, we sit and swim in the family area (and we avoid the near barely dressed young girls and rude boys). Too many Catholic parents/guardians give up on rules especially concerning purity as their children reach their late teens. I do not know why parents allow their children to have computers in their rooms or watch TV unsupervised or dress in a shocking manner, and then wonder why their children do badly.

 

[puzzleannie]

I It is disappointing to me that the Church has not thought of this for young men, who may wish to look after dependent parents or relatives but also be in a formalised religious state. We should celebrate servant men/boys who wish to remain pure, humble and serving in their local church/parish.
.

yes it is possible for young men, with proper discernment and working with the vocations director of a diocese or religious order to chose such a way of life, and to formally accept it with the blessing of the church through vow, profession or promise. This can be as a professed religious brother, or as a lay associate of a religious order, or in rare cases under obedience to the bishop directly. There is a precedent for it, and the young man in question should contact the vocations director of the diocese and inquire.

the Church has thought about young men and women to in all phases of life.

Whether or not it is healthy for one adult to dictate to another in the terms one would to or child or teen is another matter entirely. Such a vocation would have to be a complete free will choice discerned under spiritual direction with no hint of any coercion from family or third parties.

 

[tjwdsssc2015]

JMJ

Anna, first off, I want to encourage you, because I think you’re doing a great job, and it’s clear that you care very much for the wellbeing of your nephew, Jon. We mustn’t ever forget the important role of family in personal sanctification; proper formation and moral support in the home is critical. The only thing about which I would caution you, if I may be so bold, is to not even be too suggestive to him. I recently had troubles with this and a dear friend of mine, when I was–not even pushy, but overly suggestive with regards to his vocational call.

Thus, what I would suggest, following what I mentioned above and what some others have also said:

For you–follow the example of St. Monica and pray, pray, pray for him! Remember that it’s not your will, or Jon’s will, but God’s will that must be done. So when you pray, just ask that Jon will find his vocational call, and that your will won’t become an impediment (lest he enter a vocation in order to please you, even if it wouldn’t be pleasing for God). Anna, do you have a spiritual director? If not, find a priest you trust and who has a spirituality you would like to imitate, and see him a couple times a month; he can also help you with this (just like how St. Monica went to St. Ambrose!).

For him–if he doesn’t have a spiritual director anymore (you mentioned your pastor, but it wasn’t clear if Jon still sees him), he should get one. If Jon is interested in discerning religious life, he can find a spiritual director from the given community (for example, if he’s interested in learning more about the Benedictines, he can find a spiritual director who is a Benedictine priest). Otherwise, if he’s not interested in a particular order or congregation or society (like Opus Dei), he can see any diocesan priest he is comfortable with.

Side note: I would recommend you and he do not have the same spiritual director: it could be a conflict of interest for the director (insofar as you’re talking about Jon and the priest knows things that Jon has said yet cannot repeat, and when Jon is saying things about you, the priest knows things you have said which he cannot repeat to Jon).

In short: both of you should get a (your own) spiritual director; and you should pray for Jon, and Jon should pray that he finds God’s will for him. It may take some time, but your involvement, well intentioned though it may be, could make things more difficult for him. That’s the reality of discernment…you’ll have to take my word on this one…I’ve done lots of it

(I’m a seminarian, by the way, not a priest, so I am not a suitable spiritual director as such…but I have my own experiences of discernment, external pressures on my vocation, and my own influences on others’ vocations, both positively and negatively…)

Anna, if you’d like, send me a PM and I can give you more suggestions from my experiences that may be beneficial to you and Jon. (By the by, I’m also Jon’s age)

God love you!

 

[domandcarols]

He should become a priest.

 

[Dale_M]

Whether or not it is healthy for one adult to dictate to another in the terms one would to or child or teen is another matter entirely…

I dunno… I think humility is often developed not only by obedience to God but by obedience to a superior. Don’t monastic orders often place limits on their members, and direct how their talents are to be used?

Since the vocation of Consecrated Virgin is not open to men, I wonder if being an associate of a religious order or institute might be an alternative? For example, the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ have two associate programs: one vowed, and one non-vowed. Neither require living in community with other associates, which might allow to continue the dedicated service that Jon is currently providing to his aunt and others in his parish.

 

[Anna_Weber]

Thank you to most of you for your help and encouragement, and the Private Messages of support. In response to those who have sent critical messages, I am glad I have had rules in place for my nephew’s growth and purity.

The Church should always celebrate and praise men/boys who live prayerful, virginal and chaste lives, not just women/girls.

 

[Dale_M]

The Church should always celebrate and praise men/boys who live prayerful, virginal and chaste lives, not just women/girls.

Yes, I think you are absolutely correct. One complaint I have seen surface here at CAF, from time to time, is that demands for modesty are often placed on women, but we don’t see the same level of attention given to the need for modesty in men. Too often we seem to excuse the behavior of men as simply being part of their nature. But when we do that, we are simply caving in to the standards of secular culture.

Anna, from what you have written, it sounds as if you are helping your nephew avoid some of the snares which commonly catch young men. He is fortunate to have your guidance.

 

[Anna_Weber]

Dale,

Thank you for your support. I have been criticized by some in private messages for being guiding and protective of the purity of our home and my nephew’s environment. It seems strange to me that modesty, humility, chastity and purity are not promoted as strongly for males as for females. However I have also learned from others that there are lay movements to change this.

Anna

 

[JudithS]

I’m a bit late responding to this post, but I’d like to add that the reason the vocation of consecrated virginity is a vocation for women is that the consecrated virgin images the Church, as bride, in her relationship with Christ. At her consecration, the virgin receives the new title, “bride of Christ,” and all of the imagery in the Rite of Consecration to a Life of Virginity is feminine, in that it is bridal. The corresponding male vocation, which images Christ, as Bridegroom of the Church, is the diocesan priesthood. Both consecrated virginity and the diocesan priesthood are lived “in the world” (but not of the world); both are lived directly under the diocesan Bishop. The consecrated virgin’s role is Marian, while the priest’s role is Petrine. I hope this is helpful.
Judith Stegman, president, United States Association of Consecrated Virgins

 

[scoobydoo6v92]

Because men inevitably have nocturnal emissions at some point or another, men are never considered virginsQUOTE

Well I lived my whole life, resisted all temptations to have sex and dealt with desires with women as I lived 41 years? and I am now told I did it for NOTHING!!! I am not a virgin because the fact God designed me to have nocturnal emissions as it is not brought on by anything but sleeping. Emissions have nothing to do with virginity at all. penitration has everything to do with virginity. More than one priest told me that penitration is the only way to lose one’s virginity. Women can break their hyman by riding horses or by any truama caused in such area. I have ridded horses for many years in dressage. I have had times where the horse’s back goes up and me down at the wrong times. It happens to women to. Not their fault as it is not a man’s fault that he has nocturnal situations not under his control. I just know that I am a virgin and that I am staying that way and as long as Mary our Ever Virgin Mother and God accpets my virginity that is all that matters, whether or not there is a society for men in regards to consicrated virginity. If not, there is a need for it. It is very hard for a man to be a virgin as the man is more sexually agressive than women, so it is more rare for a man to be a virgin, So with that said I think we are as rare as a male calico cat. Awesome.

 

[tjwdsssc2015]

Emissions have nothing to do with virginity at all. penitration has everything to do with virginity.

JMJ

Thanks for your reply, scoobydoo6v92!

We’re somewhat equivocating terms here. Yes, there is a sense of virginity that is associated with sexual activity, viz. intercourse. At this level, there are many from all walks of life who try to argue different things: some say that other forms of sexual activity also result in a loss of virginity; some say one can “regain” his/her virginity by recommitting to abstinence until marriage; etc.

For the Roman Catholic Church, however, virginity is more than a physical state: as I mentioned in my post, virginity has as much to do with purity of the mind as it does a physiological status. It is true that (most of the time) men cannot control the content of the dreams they are having at the time of a nocturnal emission; nevertheless, we still run into complications by your definition, as it would mean a man could engage in every sexual activity save intercourse and still be a virgin. The sense of “purity” is thus lost. Like I said, for a woman, it’s determined by the hymen being stretched or not. (Yes, this becomes complicated today when tampons, gynecologists, and even–so I’m told–horseback riding can cause the hymen to stretch.) A female virgin (theoretically) cannot ever be sexually stimulated or reach climax and remain a virgin (i.e. hymen intact). For a male, there is no equivalent for the hymen, but the process of ejaculation is the result of his climax. Therefore, a male can be sexually stimulated and active and not lose his virginity…this doesn’t make sense.

But again, let me emphasize: this is based on how the Church understands the word “virgin” in relation to the purity of mind and body, and the total giving of one’s self to Jesus Christ. Look at the saints: men are NEVER considered virgins. Do you think this is because the great and holy apostles, doctors of the Church, popes, bishops, priests, and religious, all, at one time or another, had sexual intercourse? Let us suppose, then, that for all of these, the title “virgin” is assumed (because, for example, a female religious is not listed as “St. Birgitta, religious and virgin”, but only “religious”; although, it is interesting that St. Therese of Lisieux and St. Theresa of Avila, both Carmelites, and St. Catherine of Siena, a Third Order Dominican, are listed as “virgins and doctors” rather than “religious and doctors”, and St. Elizabeth of Hungary is listed as “religious” and we know she was not a virgin). For women, where applicable, “virgin” is listed with “martyr” or “doctor of the Church”. Yet, for the males, excluding martyrs that are of the religious or clergy, we don’t see St. John the Baptist, Sts. Cosmas and Damien, or St. Stephen, the proto-martyr, listed as virgins; are we about to insinuate that St. John the Baptist, who many hold as being one of the two non-divine humans born without original sin (not conceived without it, like Mary, but some hold that John was cleansed of original sin at the Visitation), was sexually active? That is erroneous, even scandalous.

In short, no matter how much you feel like a virgin, don’t think anyone will be praying from the Common of Virgins on your feast day!

God love you!