C
chevalier
Guest
Gianna, don’t worry so much. There are ways to deal with manipulators and some are more harsh, while some are less harsh and this doesn’t necessarily mean that the harsher ways are better. You may need to be adamant, but you may also at all times be polite. There’s practically nothing that couldn’t be said politely.
“Dear [Insert_Name], I know what you are telling [Insert_Group_of_People] about me. Those things are not true. I ask that you stop saying that.”
Remember that people who talk ill of you in return for not complying with their requests do so in secret. They won’t do it in your face and they don’t want it to be any open affair. If you tell them you know what they do, the secrecy is lost. Maybe they won’t say they’re sorry, but they’ll likely stop doing what they’ve been doing. You don’t need to make the discussion long, it just has to sink in. In fact, you may as well politely finish the conversation afterwards.
When someone claims he can’t do something but you can, so he needs your help:
“I could do that for you, but I could also teach you to do it on your own so that you can.”
And then if they decline, they won’t probably insist you do it because that will make them look lazy or abusive. Or perhaps it just doesn’t matter so much to them if they don’t want to learn.
“May I borrow your this and that.” “Of course. You know, I’ve seen one for a good price at [Insert_Shop]” or “I could help you pick one.”
Then they will know that you’re serious about the idea that they shouldn’t keep borrowing it forever.
As for other requests, a firm no is a good treat, I think, but I somehow don’t like the, “no because no,” kind of replies. There’s one thing I dislike more: fake excuses. While I will sometimes resort to, “no because no,” I think fake excuses are just not to be done. They’re socially acceptable, but I believe the gain isn’t worth the falsehood involved. One may not tell them everything or one may want to keep his reasons to himself, but when one gives an excuse, I would make it feasible and real, something which is a factor. And preferably the factor. You can tell people you’re tired or you’d prefer to do something different or you have your own affairs to look to, or you have made other plans.
Then, when they start reviewing your plans you can remind them that your plans are yours to make and that they don’t need their approval because you’re on an equal standing with them, not lower. This may sound upfront, but perhaps it might strike them that yeah, heureka, they aren’t your bosses and they aren’t meant to judge which of your priorities are more important than others. You can also gently point out that you don’t assess their own priorities, nor do you review their plans. That’s an argument that speaks to some people… I hope.
If nothing works, you can try cold hard logic and painstaking explanations. “You know that asking me and waiting for me takes less time than doing it on your own?” “Have you noticed that looking it up on your own takes less effort than contacting me to ask about it?” and so on. Just make sure you don’t hurt a person who is really tired, not up to date with technology, less talented than you are, and so on.
And from time to time, perhaps it might be a good idea to do something for someone which isn’t really needed, which does cost you, which the person could probably do in his own, albeit with more effort than you would have to put in it. I would try this in order to keep some sort of human sensitivity and compassion. Being assertive sometimes may indeed mean being cruel. We shouldn’t be cruel.
“Dear [Insert_Name], I know what you are telling [Insert_Group_of_People] about me. Those things are not true. I ask that you stop saying that.”
Remember that people who talk ill of you in return for not complying with their requests do so in secret. They won’t do it in your face and they don’t want it to be any open affair. If you tell them you know what they do, the secrecy is lost. Maybe they won’t say they’re sorry, but they’ll likely stop doing what they’ve been doing. You don’t need to make the discussion long, it just has to sink in. In fact, you may as well politely finish the conversation afterwards.
When someone claims he can’t do something but you can, so he needs your help:
“I could do that for you, but I could also teach you to do it on your own so that you can.”
And then if they decline, they won’t probably insist you do it because that will make them look lazy or abusive. Or perhaps it just doesn’t matter so much to them if they don’t want to learn.
“May I borrow your this and that.” “Of course. You know, I’ve seen one for a good price at [Insert_Shop]” or “I could help you pick one.”
Then they will know that you’re serious about the idea that they shouldn’t keep borrowing it forever.
As for other requests, a firm no is a good treat, I think, but I somehow don’t like the, “no because no,” kind of replies. There’s one thing I dislike more: fake excuses. While I will sometimes resort to, “no because no,” I think fake excuses are just not to be done. They’re socially acceptable, but I believe the gain isn’t worth the falsehood involved. One may not tell them everything or one may want to keep his reasons to himself, but when one gives an excuse, I would make it feasible and real, something which is a factor. And preferably the factor. You can tell people you’re tired or you’d prefer to do something different or you have your own affairs to look to, or you have made other plans.
Then, when they start reviewing your plans you can remind them that your plans are yours to make and that they don’t need their approval because you’re on an equal standing with them, not lower. This may sound upfront, but perhaps it might strike them that yeah, heureka, they aren’t your bosses and they aren’t meant to judge which of your priorities are more important than others. You can also gently point out that you don’t assess their own priorities, nor do you review their plans. That’s an argument that speaks to some people… I hope.
If nothing works, you can try cold hard logic and painstaking explanations. “You know that asking me and waiting for me takes less time than doing it on your own?” “Have you noticed that looking it up on your own takes less effort than contacting me to ask about it?” and so on. Just make sure you don’t hurt a person who is really tired, not up to date with technology, less talented than you are, and so on.
And from time to time, perhaps it might be a good idea to do something for someone which isn’t really needed, which does cost you, which the person could probably do in his own, albeit with more effort than you would have to put in it. I would try this in order to keep some sort of human sensitivity and compassion. Being assertive sometimes may indeed mean being cruel. We shouldn’t be cruel.
That’s funny!
I wish them well, but it hurts when people want to just use you–I remember reading though, that from a Christian perspective, we are to just always help people out…I dunno. I wasn’t getting up at 4:30 am to go over there to watch kids on a Sunday. I found the request unreasonable.
to wit that some manipulative people may be … how to put this delicately … mentally ill … sociopathic … mildly, perhaps not of the serial-killer-magnitude. But many of these folks will not be put off by clever evasions.
