marriage advice

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aerorider

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hi… i am new to this forum so i hope i am doing this right. Sorry for the message length.

I am was born and raised catholic but for about the last 6 years i feel as though i have been pretty much going through the motions. I went to church pretty regularly but i think it was pretty much out of obligation and my morals showed for it. Two years ago i married a wonderful woman, whom i love, in the catholic church. Although she is not catholic herself, i find that she is much more moral in her ways than i. Before the marriage, I was completely honest with her in almost everything, however for obvious reasons, i failed to tell her about my sexual attractions towards the same sex (obviously another moral issue in itself that i have to deal with). Selfishly, I was hopeing and praying that getting married would help or solve this issue but unfortunately it did not. I eventually, had an affair with another man and since then i have confessed it multiple times to a priest and have spent many sleepless nights praying and asking for Gods forgiveness but i dont know if i can keep this guilt inside me. I feel as though the only way to relieve myself of this guilt is to tell my wife. I know for certain that if i did tell her she would leave (of which i do not blame her) only because her reaction when i recently told her of my attractions towards another of the same sex. I can only imagine the disgust most of you have reading this but, i am trying to face my faults and right the wrongs. I feel as though my marriage is a scam or invalid just from the fact that i with-held such important information, and the fact that i committed adultery even makes it worse. I am pretty depressed about this and have considered some extreme measures including suicide but i feel as though suicide is the one thing that is more selfish than commiting adultery. I dont know what to do. Do i tell my wife, and risk the great chance that she leave me, or do i continue to ask and pray to God for his forgiveness? Do i not tell her and continue to pray that God will make me everything that she needs in me to be a good husband? Do tell her and let her go so i am forced to face my sexual attractions alone? I know i completely deserve to be in the state of depression i am in (or even much worse) but if i could get a little guidance it would be greatly apprechiated. I do love her and i want to what is right.

Thank you
 
I sent you a private message about a similar personal struggle that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with other forum members, and how my husband and I have worked past it. I hope it helps. The Courage website the other poster mentioned is very helpful. Also, there are some other websites you might look at:

Marriage encounter (helps good marriages become great)
wwme.org/

Retrouvaille (for marriages in trouble)
retrouvaille.org

And some books you might want to read:

Sexual Wisdom (this book really helped me)
onemoresoul.com/catalog/sexual-wisdom-p209.html

Good News about Sex and Marriage
onemoresoul.com/catalog/good-news-about-sex-and-marriage-p268.html

Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving
exceptionalmarriages.com/resources.htm#holysex
 
{{{{{{{{{{{{{aerorider}}}}}}}}}}}}}

That’s a big cyber-hug.

I’m unclear as to whether you are only same-sex attracted, or whether you’re attracted to both. I hope that it is both, so that you can have, um (blush), a normal marriage.

Here’s what I think you should do. I think you owe it to her to tell you about your attraction to men, for two reasons. First is, you will need her help on this for the rest of your life, unless you are one of those who can be cured. Second is that, yes, you were dishonest with her. I would suggest that you tell her both things together, as in, “Beloved, there’s something I have been dishonest about that I really need your help with.”

I would NOT tell her about the affair, unless she asks you straight up, “Did you have an affair with John Doe?” Even in that case, you might lie or tell a partial truth. I understand the desire to tell her, because you are so sorry for doing something so hurtful. But don’t clear *your *conscience at the expense of her heart.

In my bad old days, I had an affair with a married man. My conscience woke up in the middle of it, and we broke up. (He always told me he loved her and would never leave her.) His wife had some suspicions; I know she knew that I was after him. I *really *wanted to apologize to her - but I knew it would break her heart and kill their marriage. So I decided that the best amends I could make to her was two-fold: to keep my guilt to myself, and to never talk about the affair in enough detail for someone to identify the man, in order to make sure that, if she ever did find out about it, it wouldn’t be through me.

I decided that, if she ever did ask me about it, I would reply, “Well, he kissed me once.” That’s true as far as it goes, but I would reserve the rest of the truth.

I know there are therapists who aim to cure SSA. You might be able to find one through Courage.

I’ll pray for God to bless you and your wife.

Love,

Ruthie
 
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