Marriage and Attraction

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momtojeam

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Hi. My husband and I just had a huge argument (continuation of an ongoing issue) and I am in need of some advice. We are in our mid-late 20s and have been married for 5-1/2 years; we have 4 small children that I stay home with. I want to start by saying that I love my husband very, very much, he is a wonderful man. We are both practicing Roman Catholics.

My husband has a single male friend that has been coming to stay at our house sporadically while he works in the area (every other week or so for a few days at a time). After a few months of this, my husband confronted me claiming that I have a ‘thing’ for his friend. He said he didn’t think I was overtly flirty, but he ‘could see it in my eyes’ that I was attracted to him. So, he proceeded to ask me straight-out if I found him attractive. I do find his friend physically attractive and I do think that he is a descent guy in general. I didn’t want to lie to my husband nor did I want to hurt his feelings… so I told him that I was slightly attracted to him. I also admitted to (when asked, and after much prying) that I had a sexual thought about the friend… which was not intentional and not dwelt upon (but it happened and I feel embarrassed to admit it).

My husband and I are both very jealous when it comes to this sort of thing, and he was very upset, disappointed, and hurt. This argument has come up several times now (over the past 6 months). To make matters worse, his friend keeps coming to stay here periodically (now only once or twice a month), which makes things extremely awkward for me. I feel like if I am too friendly, the issue will come up again. So I tried to avoid him, which just came across as awkward… this backfired because my husband noticed and brought the argument back to light, thinking that I was trying to hide something.

He has told me that he feels like I don’t love him as much as he loves me. That because I feel an attraction to someone else it means that I am ‘looking for something that I’m not getting at home’. He thinks that this means that our relationship is ‘shallow’- at least on my end. In reality, I am very happy with my husband and I love him very much. I feel like its normal to be attracted to other people (as part of human nature). So I guess my question is, is it normal/wrong to be having these feelings as a married woman?

Has anyone else been here? Any advice? My husband is crushed (angry and hurt) and I feel terrible, as if I have ripped his heart out.
 
I suspect that if your husband’s friend knew that his sporadic visits were the cause of all this drama he’d run screaming in the other direction. Do him a favor and ask him to make other arrangements.
 
Second this…

This friend needs to be staying somewhere else…full stop.

I doubt that something like this can be fully resolved if he is still staying in your home.
 
It is NORMAL to feel an attraction to another person. Your hormones don’t shut off once you marry. And I would venture to guess your husband has been attracted to other women, as well. Feelings come and go, it’s not a big deal. And it’s not a sin. Sin happens in how you act, not what you think.

You must learn how to manage this. I suggest you stay away from being alone with people who might be a temptation. It’s really that easy. Both spouses need to protect themselves and focus on the marriage relationship.

And also the guy friend staying at your house needs to find another place to stay starting NOW.

I remember a college roommate of mine coming to stay at my house for a visit. My husband told me she kept hitting on him. Needless to say, she doesn’t stay here anymore. We became suddenly ‘busy’. And I’ve let that friendship dwindle.
 
newf said:
It is NORMAL to feel an attraction to another person. Your hormones don’t shut off once you marry. And I would venture to guess your husband has been attracted to other women, as well. Feelings come and go, it’s not a big deal. And it’s not a sin. Sin happens in how you act, not what you think.
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This. If I had to guess, I’d venture that your husband has other insecurities and this is just a convenient excuse to bring them out into the open. He needs to relax. And if he thinks there is a problem, why is he bringing his buddy around his wife? Or why are they even still good friends?

My wife works out at the gym with both men and women but her trainer is an ex-football player. Good looking guy. Single. Really friendly. My wife thinks he’s “cute.” So what? She’s my wife; if the guy started taking liberties then maybe I’d feel different. But he seems to be a stand-up dude, knows she’s married and just keeps it friendly and focused on fitness. I am not in the least threatened by that, just as she had no reason to feel threatened when we were dating/engaged and I taught jiujitsu to a class that included women, a couple of whom were not bad on the eyes. My heart was and is with her and I know hers is with me.
 
a. Feelings are not under our direct control, only what we do with them. When we promise to love our spouse in our wedding vows, we do not promise to like them for the rest of our lives, let alone to like them the best. We certainly can’t promise that we’ll never even find anyone else attractive! That is ridiculous! We promise to love them…and that love is a verb, not a state of being. We promise to be faithful. We can’t promise to never even be remotely tempted. As it is, you are still the most attracted to your husband, and while you had thoughts, you were not even tempted. You are miles away from infidelity. (Well, perhaps I should say “as many miles away from infidelity as anyone ever is”, because it is always closer than people seem to think.)

b. Do not let your husband tell you that he can promise he will never notice a woman other than you for the rest of his life. That is not something he can promise. Neither can you promise to never notice another man. Pretending that you can is not without its perils! Pride goes before disaster, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Prov. 16:18

c. Your husband put you and his friend into this position by inviting his single male friend as a regular houseguest. While he was not wrong to feel he could trust this houseguest with his wife in the sense that they would not flirt or do anything inappropriate, it is totally unrealistic to expect that his friend would not even notice his beautiful wife, nor that his wife would notice his attractive friend. If he did that to the two of you, that was not a little treacherous.

If you want to be married for 50 years instead of just 5, then get used to the idea that the “worst” in “for better or worse” gets a lot worse than noticing that there are still attractive people of the opposite sex other than the one you married. It gets a lot worse than your friends noticing that you married very well, indeed, too.

Ask your husband to take his thoughts to your pastor, and to voice them as he has voiced them to you…privately, without you present, so he can be entirely frank to someone who is entirely discrete. If your pastor validates what he is saying, you will be willing to go to the priest so that he can improve your understanding of your role as a wife. If the pastor agrees with you, though, then your husband is going to have to do his work to understand how the relationship of marriage really works. That way, someone who knows you both and who knows human nature and moral law very well can get all the facts and can give feedback on how to proceed for the welfare of everyone involved.

I suspect that because the two of you are jealous, though, your pastor is going to recommend that you not have single members of the opposite sex as regular houseguests, in order to keep peace in your home. If he doesn’t suggest it, you two should consider it, anyway. Hospitality requires generosity of heart, not just an empty guest room. If your and your husband cannot let each other extend hospitality without either falling into jealousy or experiencing what you discern to be a near occasion of sin then you have to put your marriage first and stop offering that kind of hospitality. It will be too bad for his friend, but your husband can’t have his cake and eat it, too. If he’s going to be a decent host, he has to be decent to both houseguest and hostess, or else give it up. If he won’t make that decision, then explain to him that if he does not stop treating you as he has been treating you, even though you have done nothing wrong, you will have to contact his friend and tell him that his presence makes your husband jealous, and so the friend will have to stay somewhere else.

Honestly, though…have him go talk to his priest. I think the perspective of a holy man with experience in counselling couples will really help him get some perspective.
 
It is unreasonable to expect that once you’re married, you cease to find anyone else attractive. That goes both ways. Whether it’s healthy or not depends upon what you do with that attraction.

That being said, your husband’s friend needs to stop staying with you. I do think your husband is overreacting (his statements about you not loving him as much, and accusing you of looking for something else just because you are attracted to someone is not normal), but that doesn’t really matter- he’s your husband and this situation is having a negative effect on the marriage, so the visits need to stop. He shouldn’t really have pushed you to admit it, but your having sexual thoughts about this man poses a problem and starts to go beyond normal attraction. It is best for everyone if he no longer stays with you, and your priority should be your marriage.

I do have a question, though- if your husband is so upset by this, why has he not put an end to the overnight visits himself?
 
Maybe you two need to work out the symantics of your talk…

IMO, there’s a difference between “I’m attracted to your friend…”, And “sure, he’s a good looking guy…”

One seems to attach feelings and emotion, the other indicates that you are not blind.

When it comes to you mind wandering… We’ve all been there. And we’ve all even had our own disturbing moments when our brain crosses the idea of certain activities with certain people. People that we’d NEVER do such activities with.

At this juncture, I’d tell DH to ask his friend to stay elsewhere. Tell him you’re not interested in the enterigation that comes with the territory.

Also, you might mention that for many women, behavior is what makes men more or less attractive. You DH could be, by societies standards, the sexiest man in the world. But if he’s going to accuse you and attack you, looks matter little.
 
Pink_Lemonade said:
I do have a question, though- if your husband is so upset by this, why has he not put an end to the overnight visits himself?
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I suspect that he does not want to make it public that he is jealous, nor imply to his friend that he thinks the friend would “do something” with his wife, which the husband would have to admit includes allowing the wife to even notice that the friend is sexually attractive. Rather, he wants his wife to stop noticing what any woman might notice and stop feeling what any woman might feel. That way, they can pretend to the friend that there are no problems, and the husband can keep his reputation as dependable friend and generous host, a man so attractive that his wife never notices anyone else, even at close quarters. This is preferred to gaining a reputation of jealous husband, a reputation which he deserves, but does not want.
 
The_Bucket said:
This. If I had to guess, I’d venture that your husband has other insecurities and this is just a convenient excuse to bring them out into the open. He needs to relax. And if he thinks there is a problem, why is he bringing his buddy around his wife? Or why are they even still good friends?

My wife works out at the gym with both men and women but her trainer is an ex-football player. Good looking guy. Single. Really friendly. My wife thinks he’s “cute.” So what? She’s my wife; if the guy started taking liberties then maybe I’d feel different. But he seems to be a stand-up dude, knows she’s married and just keeps it friendly and focused on fitness. I am not in the least threatened by that, just as she had no reason to feel threatened when we were dating/engaged and I taught jiujitsu to a class that included women, a couple of whom were not bad on the eyes. My heart was and is with her and I know hers is with me.
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👍

I agree with this completely. There’s nothing wrong with finding other people attractive, it’s natural. My wife and I are very comfortable with this fact, and we openly tell each other when we find other people attractive. If anything, it’s helped our marriage because it gives me an idea of what I can do, physically, to make my wife even happier with her choice in me ^^

As for this, as many people have said, the friend needs to stop staying with you. This may come off as harsh or unfair, but next to God, your relationship with your husband is the most important one in your life. As a Catholic, your husband should feel the same. If the friend is truly a friend then he will understand.

Also, it does sound like both of you have some sort of insecurities. Jealousy is usually the result of a weak self image, or is sometimes the result of guilt at thoughts or actions, or perhaps some harm that was done to you in the past. Maybe you two should sit down and talk about WHY you feel jealous of these other people. Jealousy can fester, and ultimately has the capacity to drive a wedge between you and your husband. (Incidentally, I image that this is one reason there’s such a high percentage of divorce among people who slept around before marriage. They have a harder time trusting their spouse, or are constantly wondering if they’re “up to par” with past experiences. This leads to jealousy, which strains the marriage, and ultimately leads to their divorce.)

You should definitely talk to your husband about it.
 
There is nothing wrong with finding a male – apart from your husband – to be physically attractive. As far as physical attraction in and of itself is concerned, you are not guilty of moral wrong doing, and nor should you be made to feel guilty. You may rhetorically ask your husband, if the argument you two are having warrants it (not just for the sake of provocation), if you are the only woman he finds physically attractive.

Now, if the presence of your husband’s friend is an occasion of sin for you, then you do well to avoid him.

If your husband’s friend is not an occasion of sin for you, but it persistently causes problems in your marriage (even if solely by your husband’s initiative), then you should probably urge your husband to speak with his friend about changing arrangements. If your husband is unwilling to do so, then rather than chastise you, he should chastise himself, because he is the cause of his own trouble.

To the extend that is is practically and prudentially possible, do not hint or inform your husband’s friend of the problems that his visitations are causing, not only to protect his conscience from unnecessary disturbances, but also to avoid eliciting or awakening in him, (1) any romantic emotions toward you (in case he were to interpret your disclosure as a subtle confession that you are drawn to him) and (2) defensive attitude on your behalf, because if he displays it toward your husband, things could go downhill very fast.

One more suggestion – send a PM to Fr. Vincent Serpa about this issue.
 
faithfully said:
Maybe you two need to work out the symantics of your talk…

IMO, there’s a difference between “I’m attracted to your friend…”, And “sure, he’s a good looking guy…”
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I cannot believe a wife would even say this to her husband unless she were trying to make him jealous!! Of course you should have said something else, especially since you said both of you are jealous about such things. Seriously, it sounds like maybe it makes you feel good to have him jealous.

If the problems arise when the friend is at your house, simply say he cannot come anymore. You do have children, a husband and a house to take care of and another person staying on a continual schedule seems a bit much. This friend should have considered this as well. It is very inconsiderate for him to stay with you so much, especially if it is causing problems in the marriage.
 
ABEACHGIRL said:
I cannot believe a wife would even say this to her husband unless she were trying to make him jealous!! Of course you should have said something else, especially since you said both of you are jealous about such things. Seriously, it sounds like maybe it makes you feel good to have him jealous.
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Married couples do have to learn from their spouses which honest comments are going to turn out to also be tactless. Some spouses can go through the life together talking like fellow judges in a world-wide modelling competition without turning a hair, while others learn that they need to learn from the mirror of the queen mother of Snow White, and keep their mouth shut when the common good requires it.

Two spouses given to jealousy or who are emotionally sensitive also need to learn not to ask questions that put their spouse on the spot, particularly if they are going to judge each other not just on the literal meaning of the answer, but on what they are going to read into the body language, what is not said, and so on. It is not loving to put your spouse in an impossible position. Rather, it is better to tell your spouse that you appreciate unsolicited praise and confirmation of your desirability, as this helps you to feel more secure about inner affections that they may forget can never be as obvious to you as to them.
 
I would also suggest (as I often do), John Gottman’s books on marriage. He has done research that shows which are productive and which are damaging ways for couples to complain to each other and to navigate and resolve conflicts. Even more importantly, he has identified habits which will eventually destroy marriages, which you will both want to studiously avoid.

Also, OP, I hope it goes without saying that you and your husband would never have “a huge argument” within earshot of children, yours or anyone else’s, nor that either of you would ever voice discontent about each other in front of your kids.

Small children are very bad at risk assessment. If they see one building on fire, they can worry for the rest of their childhood about their house burning down. If they hear the two of you voicing jealousies and conflicts, they may remember the fight and things you said (but did not mean) long after you two have forgotten it. They can then project that one experience onto their view of marriage in the world as a whole. As important as it is not to let nonsense fly out of your mouth in the direction of your spouse, it is ten times more important not to let young children hear it, especially not your own.

Small children are also capable of talking well before they are capable of keeping a secret. If your children are verbal, you ought to consider yourself always “under surveillance” at any time it is physically possible that they could overhear you, even when you think you are talking to yourself or having a private phone conversation. The walls are sometimes thinner than you think.
 
This. If I had to guess, I’d venture that your husband has other insecurities and this is just a convenient excuse to bring them out into the open
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👍
 
I wonder if he’s looked in the mirror lately. Finding people attractive and having passing sexual thoughts about them is par for the course. Now I am not talking about lustful thoughts, but minor imperfections that only the grace of God can remove. He needs to lighten up a bit. The friend should not be staying over. If it was one off, no big deal, but to have an ongoing thing is just silly. As for hubby, have mercy on him and show him that you love him. Ask him to look at himself and see that it is natural for people to admire the beauty of the other sex. Explain that you do not wish to be with any other man. Help him gain some self-esteem. You have four children. You wouldn’t give your body, sweat, and tears to share life with this man if he wasn’t your beloved. He’s too caught up, and needs to step back. It’s best for couples to not talk about this kind of stuff. There is no useful purpose and causes unneeded strife.
 
Thank you all for the (name removed by moderator)ut!

I think after this last bout we both realized that the friend needs to go. I don’t feel like he’s a ‘near occasion of sin’ for me, but I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells when his friend is around, since it is now such a touchy issue between us. In my husband’s defense, he is trying to help his friend get a job in his field of work (which requires the long process of an internship). But now that we’re stuck in such a pickle, we will just have to figure out a way to get him out without him knowing what’s going on.

EasterJoy:
Thank you for all of the great tips… I really appreciate it. Our children are very little (4 and under) and we do our best to keep our arguments as discreet as possible. We’re not big on shouting usually.

ABEACHGIRL:
Believe me, there is nothing about this scenario that makes me ‘feel good’. I just wish that it would all go away (including the friend). When my husband originally asked me if I was attracted to him, I did respond by saying ‘I think he is good looking’. But he thought that I was just trying to ‘sugarcoat’ things, and insisted that I answer in a yes/no fashion for ‘honesty’s’’ sake. It’s like he wanted to be punched in the gut… I feel awful about the whole thing.
 
If he’s asking to be hurt, I don’t know what else you can say. It’s a pretty juvenile way of asking a question and I should well know since I can be pretty juvenile myself. I’m trying to grow up though.
 
Scriptorium said:
I wonder if he’s looked in the mirror lately. Finding people attractive and having passing sexual thoughts about them is par for the course. Now I am not talking about lustful thoughts, but minor imperfections that only the grace of God can remove. He needs to lighten up a bit. The friend should not be staying over. If it was one off, no big deal, but to have an ongoing thing is just silly. As for hubby, have mercy on him and show him that you love him. Ask him to look at himself and see that it is natural for people to admire the beauty of the other sex. Explain that you do not wish to be with any other man. Help him gain some self-esteem. You have four children. You wouldn’t give your body, sweat, and tears to share life with this man if he wasn’t your beloved. He’s too caught up, and needs to step back. It’s best for couples to not talk about this kind of stuff. There is no useful purpose and causes unneeded strife.
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I am convinced that talking/asking about this sort of thing can only be harmful… I tried to ask him if he ever found other women attractive, but he insisted ‘no’. I think perhaps he’s confusing attraction with a desire to be with someone else. But I can’t seem to get him to see that. I have no desire to be with or have relations with anyone else (and I have told him that). I will continue to do my best to show him my love as we suffer through this together.
 
momtojeam said:
Thank you all for the (name removed by moderator)ut!

I think after this last bout we both realized that the friend needs to go. I don’t feel like he’s a ‘near occasion of sin’ for me, but I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells when his friend is around, since it is now such a touchy issue between us. In my husband’s defense, he is trying to help his friend get a job in his field of work (which requires the long process of an internship). But now that we’re stuck in such a pickle, we will just have to figure out a way to get him out without him knowing what’s going on.
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Keep in mind that you do not have to give detailed reasons for asking him to find somewhere else to stay. “Josh, when you come to work next month, do you think you can find somewhere else to stay? It’s turning out to be a little harder on the family than we thought it would be.” If he is at all gracious, he will say, “Oh, yeah, no problem! I’m happy you were able to put me up as long as you did. Thanks to you, and thanks to Sarah. You were really great hosts. I hope I didn’t cause any big problems.” “No, no, it’s OK, but sorry, we need to pull in the welcome mat.” If he is ungracious enough to say “what do you mean, a little harder on the family?”, the response is “Josh. Dude. You’ve stayed with us twice a month for six months. It’s time to find another couch to crash on. We’re glad we could help you out, but sorry, you need to find another place next time. No hard feelings, we hope, but that’s where we are.”

And that is all the discussion about it that he gets. He only needs to know it would be better for your family if he found somewhere else to stay and that your DH does not want to talk about it any more than that. Not one word more. Tell DH not to get any more drawn into it than that. If he lets this matter impinge on the privacy of his marriage, he will only regret it. To the point of “Excuse me, Josh, but you sound as if I need to give you a reason for not giving you a free place to stay. Like I said, we were happy to do it for awhile, but the room isn’t going to be available in the future. Sorry, but I thought if I asked you to find another place, that’s all you’d need to hear. I guess I was wrong, but that’s all I’m going to say. You need to find a different place next time.”
 
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