Marriage beef (s)

[mercygate]

cwmzzm:

As a newlywed, here are some of my beefs when it came to my wedding:

1. We were told that the nuptial blessing that we prayed about and selected was too orthodox.
2. We were told that the non-Catholics would not be told how to receive a blessing and that they should just come up and receive the Eucharist instead.
3. At the last minute the priest decided to cut out parts of the Mass because “no Mass should go longer than 54 minutes”
4. We were not asked our intentions (do you come here freely,will you accept children lovingly from God,etc…)
5. At the rehearsal we were told that the Gospel we chose didn’t match the priest’s one-size fits all homily and that he would read the one he wanted.
   6.We were never given any information about wedding liturgy, appropriate songs, attire, readings, etc…
6. We were laughed at by the priest when we said that we didn’t want the unity candle at our wedding

I am heartsick for you. Was this your regular parish?

A couple I know (bride was leader of song and all her musical friends got together with the choir to offer the music as a gift to the couple) was refused the Gloria because “the Gloria is allowed only at Solemnities.” So why isn’t a nuptial Mass a “solemnity” since the exchange of vows is called the Solemnization of Holy Matrimony and the vows are solemn Vows?

 

[BLB_Oregon]

joshua1:

If half the effort was put into the marriage as the planning and the wedding itself, The divorce rate might possibly come down. Just a thought

Yes. Some impossible matches might never have been tried, and more other matches might be between people who have more of an idea of what they’re going to need to do to remain married.

I have yet to run across anyone who really knew what they were getting into, but the priest who married us said if any of us knew that, he’d be surprised if anyone ever had the guts to try it!

 

[renee1258]

I help out with pre-cana. Do you know how many Unity Candles are left behind! :lol It was a bit of a tiff between my MIL and me, because she wanted the Unity Candle with the mothers coming up lighting the brides and grooms individual candle.

 

[CD4]

Pug:

I don’t really know for positive, but aren’t you supposed to get married in a specific parish, the one you are a member of? I didn’t think you were supposed to just pick the prettiest (or the one with the most agreeable priest). Does anyone know?

.

I think you may be married in any parish that will have you…While most people do get married in the home parish of one of the parties, I don’t think it is a MUST…Could be wrong, but that is what I think…

 

[Minerva]

pretty much every parish requires you to be a member if you want to have a wedding there. And often to be a member of a parish you have to live within defined geographical boundaries - this is especially true in fast-growing suburban areas where one parish could be overwhelmed with people if there were no rules. I was very lucky that my parents didn’t move 100 ft further east or else I would’ve had to get married at the hideous brown box modern parish instead of the lovely, small, modern yet traditional parish just a few blocks from their house.

 

[KCT]

Minerva:

pretty much every parish requires you to be a member if you want to have a wedding there. And often to be a member of a parish you have to live within defined geographical boundaries

Maybe, but in our area, couples from other churches get married in our church. When we did marriage prep, we had one couple who gave us this story: She’s Catholic, he’s not. They live together. The pastor at her church gave them the what for because they live together. They didn’t like it and came to our church to get married.

Go figure. —KCT

 

[trippinprincezz]

Minerva:

I think unity candles are pretty stupid. They masquerade as some great “tradition” but really were just invented by people who sell unity candles.

I was very young the last time I went to a wedding…so not to sound ignorant, but…what is a unity candle exactly? I get the candle part, and I know what unity means…does it have anything to do with bride & groom have to light it together at the same time (awww how cute)

 

[La_Chiara]

cestusdei–I hear you and I agree with you. But I have been married nearly 20 years. When we married 20 years ago, both my husband and I were practicing “cradle” Catholics. Looking back I realize we were not well-formed in our Catholic faith. (CCD in the 1970s, in a wealthy East Coast suburb, the CCD teachers were friends of the priests who threw blood on the Pentagon files…you get the picture.) I told the priest at our wedding not to do the “go forth and procreate” part because I didn’t think the wedding was a fertility rite. Yes, I am ashamed and embarassed now by my views then. BTW our pre-Cana consisted of the Catholic military chapel in Germany giving us a set of cassette tapes on marriage by a Protestant minister (the one who does “Focus on the Family”, somebody “Dobson”.) Thankfully, my husband and I have grown in our Catholic faith since then.

 

[CD4]

<<<BTW our pre-Cana consisted of the Catholic military chapel in Germany giving us a set of cassette tapes on marriage by a Protestant minister (the one who does “Focus on the Family”, somebody “Dobson”.) Thankfully, my husband and I have grown in our Catholic faith since then.>>>

Dr. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family", is great…You were lucky to at least give his tapes. While he does not approach marriage from a Catholic point of view, his thoughts on the subject are good ones…I wish he were a Catholic…

 

[Illini]

 At our wedding, the unity candle "procedure" became a source of tension within our families (i.e., who was to light the side candles, whether to blow out the side candles, etc.) Then we met with our priest at pre-cana, and he said, (I'm paraphrasing, it was many happy years ago) "On the unity candle, you can have one if you want. But I do not like it. It has never been a part of a Catholic wedding, it is not a good symbol of marriage, it confuses the people as to when the marriage bond is created, and it's just silly."

 That moment, our unity candle problem was solved. ;) But I've attended only one Catholic wedding other than our own that did not have one. My view today is similar to Father's. Having parents in the sanctuary lighting two candles, and then the bride and groom lighting a bigger one, seems just pointless. The vows and the priest saying "What God has joined, men must not divide," (Father emphasized GOD) are far more powerful.

-Illini

 

[Illini]

cestusdei:

1. Getting drunk before the ceremony.

 I've seen at two weddings, (1) the wedding party drinking champagne in the limo on the way to the church; (2) groomsmen

(and groom) drinking beer in the church basement. The former was a Catholic wedding. While no one got drunk, methinks drinking any alcohol just before the ceremony is inappropriate, not to mention violating the Eucharistic fast.

1. Pushing for open communion in a mixed marriage.

 Another pet peeve: couples declining a Mass because they do not want to "offend" or "leave out" non-Catholic wedding guests. :(  On one of these occasions, the priest "solved" the problem by telling the couple that Protestant parents could still receive the Eucharist. One did. They're wonderful people, but :banghead: .

-Illini

 

[naprous]

Why should it “bug” you if a couple declines a mass in order not to confuse or offend their friends or family? My husband grew up Catholic, and his family is very devout, though he is not. My family and most of my friends are Protestant, though I am Catholic (I converted in college). We were married at a monastery in France where I am very close to the community (we got married in Europe because it was going to be MUCH easier to get my husband a green card that way!). I, by the way, am American and my husband is Italian (from Sardinia).

We chose not to have a mass primarily because we felt it would be too confusing for my friends and family. Protestants aren’t used to weddings with communion, and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to offend my family members by suggesting that they not take communion (and who would have said that? in which language? the priest didn’t speak much English). A mass is not a requirement, which my husband’s family is theologically sophisticated enough to understand. I think it seems much more important that a wedding be an occasion that celebrates the joining of two families – rather than an occasion that ends up making some of the guests feel uncomfortable.

I went to mass the morning of my wedding, alone, which was a perfect time for me to reflect on the meaning of the Eucharist, rather than during my wedding – which was busy with a lot of other things to think about – like the sacrament of marriage.

Marrying someone from a completely different culture made me think A LOT about what weddings mean to different cultures, and how many cultural expectations there are for weddings. I didn’t realize, for instance, that one of the MOST important accoutrements for a Sardinian wedding were the bonbonniere, or favors. I nearly mortally offended my future mother-in-law by not asking her to help me with them (I had never even heard of them…). In the end, she hand-crocheted hundreds of doilies that we stuffed full of jordan almonds, and that we individually gave to each guest – our first gesture as a married couple. It’s a lovely tradition, really, but one that I had known nothing about. We tried exquisitely hard to meet the wide variety of cultural expectations that surrounded our wedding (American, Italian, French). The invitations were a doozy to concoct!

I agree with many of the other “beefs” that have been expressed here so far, but I’m also a little more tolerant of some because of my own experience. I wouldn’t have had a unity candle at my wedding – but I’m sure there are people out there for whom it is as important as my mother-in-law’s bonbonniere!

Naprous

 

[Annunciata]

Minerva:

I think unity candles are pretty stupid. They masquerade as some great “tradition” but really were just invented by people who sell unity candles. I wouldn’t have a problem with them if they actually WERE a tradition, but the fact that their origin is so obviously commerical irritates me. Thankfully the priest who married us didn’t allow them - not that we would’ve had one anyways. He said alot of couples though are very upset when they don’t get their unity candle.

When I re-married 12 1/2 years ago, we had a hugh wedding since my husband never had one…he married a Buddist who later converted. (we were both widowed).
My point, we had all the trimmings and that ‘unity candle’…in the middle of the ceremony, the candle popped out of its holder into the air…I was mortified! So much for Unity Candles… My superstitious freinds saw it as a bad omen…

:twocents:Annunciata