Marriage between a Roman Catholic and an Agnostic

[ABello]

1ke:
“That is not the Catholic understanding of the Sacrament of Confirmation.”
Could you please elaborate on what the Catholic understanding is? This has always been more-or-less my interpretation of it.

 

[1ke]

1ke:
“That is not the Catholic understanding of the Sacrament of Confirmation.”
Could you please elaborate on what the Catholic understanding is? This has always been more-or-less my interpretation of it.

The Sacrament of Confirmation completes the Sacrament of Baptism.

It is conferred upon a Catholic, it is not “chosen” by a Catholic. Consent is not in any way required for the Sacrament. In the Eastern Rites infants are confirmed at the same time they are baptized. The custom differs in the Latin Rite, but in no way should be construed as “optional” or a “choice” the Catholic is making.

It is not a “choice” to be a Catholic. One is Catholic by virtue of one’s baptism.

It is not optional. A Catholic is obligated to receive this Sacrament just as they are the others.

 

[jmcrae]

1ke:
“That is not the Catholic understanding of the Sacrament of Confirmation.”
Could you please elaborate on what the Catholic understanding is? This has always been more-or-less my interpretation of it.

Probably because, living in a mostly Protestant culture, a lot of Catholics have taken on the Protestant understanding of Confirmation as being the time when the young person “joins the Church.” In Protestantism, this has meaning, because when a Protestant is baptized as an infant, it is believed that he then joins an invisible world wide church (remember, Protestants have no concept of a visible Church). At Confirmation (which is not a Sacrament in Protestant thinking) the young person becomes a voting member of his denomination and congregation. Because this typically happens during the teen years, and has the same name that Catholic Confirmation does (which also occurs during the teen years) a natural confusion between the two ideas has occurred. Obviously, we Catholics don’t vote for our priests, but the idea of Confirmation as “joining the Church” has somehow still crept in there.

The actual teaching of the Catholic Church is that Confirmation is one of three Sacraments of Initiation. When adults convert to the Catholic faith, it is the second Sacrament of Initiation, with First Holy Communion being third. This is also the order they were in, in the Early Church.

Early in the 20th century, the order of First Holy Communion and Confirmation were switched for those born into the faith, because Pope Pius XII made a decision that children as young as seven could receive Holy Communion. He made no mention of what was supposed to happen with Confirmation, so it remained attached to the teen years.

After infant baptism, which is the first Sacrament of Initiation, children are brought up in a Catholic environment and immersed in Catholic culture. The idea behind Confirmation originally was that it would be given to children to strengthen them with the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit - Wisdom, Understanding, Knowledge, Right Judgment, Courage, Piety, and Awe of the Lord - when they reach a mature age, when they would then begin to learn the teachings of the faith in a more structured way. At the end of it, the final Sacrament of Initiation was First Holy Communion, at which point they would begin to participate fully and actively at Mass and in the life of the Church.

Because of the fact that the order got switched, the meaning behind Confirmation has become rather muddled - obviously, it is no longer considered the beginning of a preparation period for First Holy Communion, since the majority of children receiving Confirmation have already been receiving Holy Communion for many years.

However, it still signifies a change in status from a passive receiver of information, to an active participant in the life of the Church. For example, people who’ve been Confirmed can read the Scripture lesson out from the ambo, assist the priest with the distribution of Holy Communion, join parish service clubs and organizations like the Catholic Women’s League, or the Knights of Columbus, they can teach Catechism classes, they can do Youth ministry, and many other things that help their parish. They can also, not incidentally, receive one of the Sacraments of Service - either Marriage, or Holy Orders.

But the decision of whether or not to be a Catholic happened already at the time of baptism. The child who is being confirmed doesn’t have the choice of whether or not to be a Catholic; rather, the choice is whether or not to be an active Catholic, or a passive Catholic.

 

[ABello]

To 1ke:

I stand corrected. I know and always knew that confirmation is a mandatory requirement of being Catholic. However, I erroneously thought that, as the name suggests, the sacrament was to indicate that you are “confirming” your faith, and the decision your parents made when they baptized you.

In light of this, allow me to reformulate a little bit:
The way my boyfriend and I feel about confirmation is that by this point, the child can decide whether or not they want to continue practicing their Catholic faith.

 

[1ke]

However, I erroneously thought that, as the name suggests, the sacrament was to indicate that you are “confirming” your faith, and the decision your parents made when they baptized you.

I believe the confusion is in **who **is doing the “confirming” and what “confirmation” means in this context. I suppose many erroneously believe that *they *are doing the “confirming” and what they are “confirming” is their faith or memberhip in the church.

But, the Bishop does the confirming and that mean *anointing *with holy chrism and *laying on hands * to give the gift of grace through the power of the Holy Spirit. It doesn’t have anything to do with confirming their faith.

 

[I_A]

To I_A_:
“Waiting in line in the JoP’s office…”
That was a very beautiful portrait you’ve painted

I know, I really like descriptive writing descriptive writing, although reading it bores me to tears.

For baptism, …I’m only mildly against it. …for me, (and I KNOW you’re all not going to agree) …it’s really just another swimming pool.

If its just like going swimming why would you be even mildly against it? Unless there is lightning… or sharks… or electric sharks.

 

[ABello]

To I_A_:
“If its just like going swimming why would you be even mildly against it? Unless there is lightning… or sharks… or electric sharks.”

By “mildly against it,” I mean three things:

1. First off, if it were just me being married to myself, having my own kid, then baptism wouldn’t be the route I would take. There’re just no need. Consider it like a swimming pool that’s just really far out of the way.
2. Secondly, baptism means something very serious to a lot of people, and I don’t want to disrespect that. I may not really “get it,” but I respect it. I don’t go into a church and start gargling the holy water for the same reason. It’s rude.
3. Lastly, as so many people have pointed out, baptism leaves permanent marks on one’s soul. Now, given that I don’t believe this, it really doesn’t make a huge difference either way, but I would just prefer not to leave permanent marks on my child from a religion I don’t believe in. For example, let’s say you’re not Jewish, nor do you believe in the Jewish faith. This would mean that any Jewish rites of passage would be null and void to you…but you probably wouldn’t be rushing to put your child through them without a damn good reason.

 

[ecp007]

The fact of the matter is that we’re both willing to compromise. If it really came down to it, I’d be willing to get married in the Catholic Church, and he’d be willing to get married outside of it. It would have been nice to try and find some middle ground where we both only have to compromise a little bit, but it seems that Catholic marriage laws are a little more unforgiving than I originally thought.

I think the crux of the matter is much more than just the wedding ceremony, but really about respect for your future husband.

As I understand it you are agnostic which means that you are not sure if there is a God or not. Andrew is Catholic which means that he is sure there is a God and knows he has to follow all the doctrines of the Church in order to live with Him throughout all eternity.

If you respect your husband to be, then you would never let him risk salvation for all eternity, just because you aren’t sure about something and you want a “compromise”. There really can be no compromise. If Andrew does not have a sacramental Catholic marriage he will be living in sin, and and risks eternal damnation. He will not be able to partake in the Sacrament of Eucharist and will be living a poor example to his children and other family members. For instance, he won’t be able to be a Godfather, or a Eucharistic Minister, or a Deacon, or even a CCD teacher. This one “compromise” will be limiting his spiritual growth, forever (literally).

 

[JadensMom]

If you were asking my advice, I’d say to go ahead with the Catholic wedding in honor of your fiance’s beliefs and your families. Non-Catholics marry Catholics in Catholic ceremonies all the time. Nobody’s gonna pounce on ya for being an agnostic (and if they do, go to another church!)

In our Pre-Cana retreat, there were something like thirty couples, and they read off all the different combinations of religions. About 60% were Catholic-Catholic couples, but there were some Protestants, other flavors of Christian, even a couple of Jews and Hindus, an agnostic, and a Secular Humanist. NOBODY asked me or my husband what religion we were, and nobody asked anybody else that I knew of, either. Believe me, they won’t make you put on the Non-Believer dunce cap and make you stand in a corner in Pre-Cana. You’ll be too busy having really intense discussions regarding couples’ financial management and how to discipline the kids to even go into that with anyone!

We had two interviews with our priest, and he was a sweetheart, and one session with a professional counselor. She was actually very helpful as far as a few issues we had, too (mostly related to how to be a united front when faced with our too-pushy families.)

The compromise can come in the form of the marriage license (legal, secular recognition of your marriage) which is signed by the priest after your marriage (religious recognition.) Think of it this way; you can be legally married without the Church, but even the Church can’t sacramentally marry you without that marriage license (i.e. legal recognition from your home state.) Both are extremely important, so even in a Catholic marriage, the secular, legal obligations must be honored.

Plus Catholic ceremonies really are very beautiful and come with a great sense of reverence and importance to the vows being made. One thing is certain that when you marry in the Church – they’re taking it as seriously as you are. This isn’t some jokey Elvis impersonator Vegas wedding and that’s certain! This is a high holy moment for everyone involved, just like it is in your heart. For the pure poetry of the Biblical readings and beauty of a Catholic church, it can’t be beat. If you’re at all worried about people being scandalized because you don’t take Communion and your husband does, you can always have a wedding ceremony instead of a Mass.

Perhaps a good compromise would be the Catholic wedding, followed by a beautiful garden reception? That way you can include Nature in your wedding, yet at the same time include your fiance’s faith as well. As was said above, it makes things far easier for him as far as taking Communion, and if he wants to be active in his parish.

 

[MomaMary8]

Welcome to CAF ABello! I know I’m a bit late, you’ll have to excuse me. I’m a mother of 8 with little time to post.

I’ve read the posts and have a bit of understanding of your situation (hopefully). My suggestion would be for your boyfriend to go to RCIA to learn more about his Catholic faith before entering into a Catholic marriage. I’m afraid both of you have been poorly catechized and may not ready for the sacrament.

I watched my BIL promise to raise his children Catholic when his wife was not. She is raising the children in her religion and he is not putting up a fight. He sees no problem. It puts me in tears to think of what he is doing, not to his children, but to his soul.

You sound like a person who would not make a promise without the full intention to keep that promise. Your FH should have the same wisdom.
Let him research his promise to God before making such a promise. You’re both young, and have lots of time.

Faith Explained is a nice book to get you started.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

If you were asking my advice, I’d say to go ahead with the Catholic wedding in honor of your fiance’s beliefs and your families.

The only “problem” they may run into is that she is technically Catholic as well. It is definitely something to discuss with a priest/the Church they would be married at.

Perhaps a good compromise would be the Catholic wedding, followed by a beautiful garden reception? That way you can include Nature in your wedding, yet at the same time include your fiance’s faith as well. As was said above, it makes things far easier for him as far as taking Communion, and if he wants to be active in his parish.

That does sound like a good compromise:thumbsup:

After all, the marriage itself doesn’t take all day so you could spend the majority of “your” wedding day exactly how you have always pictured it** and your fiance could have what he desires and will not needlessly upset his family.
**

 

[JadensMom]

The only “problem” they may run into is that she is technically Catholic as well. It is definitely something to discuss with a priest/the Church they would be married at.

Why would that be a problem? That just means they won’t have to file for a disparity of cult dispensation if the bride is “technically” Catholic.

Non-practicing technical Catholics who consider themselves to truly be Agnostics can marry practicing Catholics – she doesn’t need to come back to the Church to be married in it.

After all, she’s asking for advice on her wedding to a Catholic, not asking if she should revert or not.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Why would that be a problem? That just means they won’t have to file for a disparity of cult dispensation if the bride is “technically” Catholic.

Non-practicing technical Catholics who consider themselves to truly be Agnostics can marry practicing Catholics – she doesn’t need to come back to the Church to be married in it.

After all, she’s asking for advice on her wedding to a Catholic, not asking if she should revert or not.

**
I understand that. But to her, not misrepresenting herself is important. I don’t expect her to revert, but I wonder if there will be unique challenges she may face as a technical Catholic who does not want to be acknowledged as one or partake in any of the practices of a faithful Catholic.

All I am saying is that it will something that her and her boyfriend would have to discuss with a priest if the need arises…
**

 

[Just_Lurking]

I’m sure to be stating the obvious here, but there is a form of the Catholic marriage ceremony with Mass, and a form without Mass. Given the facts, the form without Mass would be most appropriate in this situation.

 

[wanner47]

ABello, first let me thank you. You have acted as I wish every non-Catholic newcomer to this forum would act. You post respectfully, read all the responses given, and respond intelligently. Moreover, when you are mistaken about something, you admit it gracefully. Very classy. So huge kudos to you in that respect.

Secondly, if you and your boyfriend do decide to marry in the Catholic Church, the priest will ask if you two will honor and love one another as husband and wife for the rest of your lives, and if you will accept children from God lovingly and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church.

Is this something you and your boyfriend would be willing to do? It’s very serious business to make a solemn oath and promise before God that you may not be willing or able to keep.

Perhaps both you and your boyfriend should read the section of the Catechism of the Catholic Church regarding marriage. If your boyfriend does not agree with what is contained therein, it might be wise for him to start to consider why exactly he identifies as Catholic. It’d kind of be like someone who thought that the Constitution and the Bill of Rights were absolute rubbish yet still wanted to identify as American, KWIM?

Out of curiosity, have you ever read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis? My husband had a very similar faith system to yours when he was your age, and reading that book helped bring him back to Christianity (and ultimately to Catholicism). If you’ve never read it, there’s a free audiobook version available here.

I also recommend Janet Smith’s article Contraception: Why Not? The article is primarily about why the Church teaches what it does about contraception, but she has a lot to say about the Church’s teachings on marriage as well.

Lastly, an excellent book that details the Church’s teaching on marriage and related topics is Christopher West’s Good News about Sex and Marriage.

 

[Therese1]

I came here looking for answers, and found what I wish I had found 17 years ago. I am a very devout Catholic who married a non-Catholic who was sort of raised Lutheran. When we met I told him my conversion story. It was one of those extreme ones where I had a minimal belief before it, and then a complete conversion to the Catholic Church as well as faith in general, and it was instant. From the start he supported me and even went through the steps as I was brought in to the Church. We got engaged during that time also. I just knew everything would work out because he loved me and was supportive even if he didn’t have the same beliefs. Things were basically fine…until our daughter was born. Not only did we have totally opposite ideas on discipline, which is difficult enough for any marriage, but when it came time for our daughter’s First Communion, he became hostile to the Faith and has only grown worse through the years. My point is that being in love is VERY blinding. You think you can ignore all these seemingly small issues about faith. The problem is that the bliss dies down and the day-to-day grind settles in. At that point, if you do not have the same thoughts about faith, it can drive a great wedge between you. I can’t even speak of God in my own home. I basically live a double life. Literally, thanks be to God, our daughter is now 15, and knows her Catholic Faith deeply. This has come with quite a price. Yes, it has taught me a lot about humility and compromise, etc., but certainly not in helping him or our marriage to be what I imagined it to be. It is very sad not to share that with your spouse. If you are serious about this relationship, then consider seriously taking a look at your husband’s Catholic Faith. If you go through Catholic Answers you will be sure to learn the real truth about the teachings of the Faith. I guarantee if you open yourself to the possibility of understanding what it is he believes, you will find yourself seeing the incredible awesomeness of the Catholic Church. Don’t settle, whatever you do. Marriage is too important and too permanent not to do everything you can ahead of time to prepare for your life-long commitment. I will pray that Our Lord will open your heart and mind. Just before my conversion, I tried to commit suicide. The ONLY thing I did myself was to ask God to forgive me. Never in my life had I asked Him for such a gift. He not only brought me back from death, but hit me broadside with the Truth. It was as if a veil was lifted! Don’t be afraid to ask Him to help you! God bless you on your journey! Therese 1

 

[ABello]

To Jaden’s Mom:
“Believe me, they won’t make you put on the Non-Believer dunce cap and make you stand in a corner in Pre-Cana.”
I’m glad to hear this. I’d hate to not be able to get the most out of the good advice pre-cana has to offer just because I have smoke coming out of my ears the whole time.

To MomaMary8:
“I’m a mother of 8 with little time to post.”
Eight? I’d normally say “wow” but as I’ve been lurking around this forum, I’ve discovered that 8 can even be considered “medium-sized” by some.

“My suggestion would be for your boyfriend to go to RCIA to learn more about his Catholic faith before entering into a Catholic marriage.”
This idea of RCIA has been mentioned by a couple of people and is beginning to intrigue me. My question is, what exactly does it entail? Other than for a purely scholastic experience, I don’t know how useful it will be. My boyfriend and I are both very happy with our own brands of “faith,” even if they’re not what a devout Catholic may agree with.

To Feanaro’s Wife:
“But to her, not misrepresenting herself is important.”
You’ve got it!

“I don’t expect her to revert, but I wonder if there will be unique challenges she may face as a technical Catholic who does not want to be acknowledged as one or partake in any of the practices of a faithful Catholic.”
I’ll certainly take this up with a priest when the time comes.

To wanner47:
“You have acted as I wish every non-Catholic newcomer to this forum would act. You post respectfully, read all the responses given, and respond intelligently.”
Thank you. Being respectful is important to me. I also find it’s really the only way to have people take you seriously. If you act like a small child, then you (not surprisingly) get treated like a small child. A little off topic, but I was admittedly quite surprised with some of the earlier answers on this forum, as the tone seemed a little bit hostile. As I poked around the forum a bit more, I found some past discussions with non-Catholic newcomers who just busted in and were flat out rude. I’d imagine this can get tiresome after some time, and I can see why I got the initial response that I did. It feels a little bit like I was tested, and maybe I passed.

“…the priest will ask if you two will honor and love one another as husband and wife for the rest of your lives, and if you will accept children from God lovingly and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church.”
The first part, I’m clear about. The part and bold may or may not pose some problems, depending on which way you look at it. My boyfriend and I have agreed to raise our children with the teachings of the Catholic Church, up until they decide that these are teachings which they do not wish to follow. We would also encourage them to question, and approach information with a critical eye. Does this violate the above oath? In my opinion, it does not, but I’m curious to see if some people believe otherwise.

“If your boyfriend does not agree with what is contained therein, it might be wise for him to start to consider why exactly he identifies as Catholic.”
I haven’t yet got my boyfriend to read through the link you suggested, but I already know that he doesn’t agree with all the dogma of the Catholic Church 100%. Regarding your American analogy, I understand your point entirely. However, I think you’d find quite a lot of people who may have problems with bits and parts of the American Constitution and Bill of Rights, but still proudly call themselves American none the less. The point I’m trying to make here is that I know my boyfriend may not agree with every little bit and piece of Catholicism in general, but for him the good outweighs the bad and for this reason, he prefers to stick by the Church. Is this necessarily a bad thing?

“I also recommend Janet Smith’s article Contraception: Why Not?”
I just read it. (Still not through the rest of your recommendations, though). I’ll say that her and I certainly didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but it was enjoyable anyways. I’ll say that she’s likely a good lecturer, and a not-bad essayist, but her skills as a scientist leave something to be desired. Perhaps this will become the topic of a new thread?

To Therese1:
“The problem is that the bliss dies down and the day-to-day grind settles in. At that point, if you do not have the same thoughts about faith, it can drive a great wedge between you. I can’t even speak of God in my own home.”
I’m very sorry that your marriage was not all you’d hoped it would be. I think it’s horrible that you feel so oppressed that you can’t even talk about God. I’ll take your advice to heart, especially:

“Marriage is too important and too permanent not to do everything you can ahead of time to prepare for your life-long commitment.”
I agree with this 100%. I plan to do everything I can to go into it completely informed and prepared.

 

[Therese1]

You mentioned that your boyfriend is not entirely in agreement with the Church. In all the years now as a Catholic, the only time I really see this is with those who never knew what they had to begin with. Because their knowledge is limited, they look at the Church in a skewed way. Also, once children arrive our perceptions of life change. A once luke-warm Catholic may very well find himself looking at life in a different manner after children arrive. That is something I was not prepared for, nor my husband. We went opposite directions. My faith bloomed even more, and he, listening to the media, began to hate it more. Just another thought for considering the future and what may happen. Again, my prayers are with you. You have a great gift here of being informed and you are doing your best to work it out. God bless you! Therese1

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

You mentioned that your boyfriend is not entirely in agreement with the Church. In all the years now as a Catholic, the only time I really see this is with those who never knew what they had to begin with. Because their knowledge is limited, they look at the Church in a skewed way. Also, once children arrive our perceptions of life change. A once luke-warm Catholic may very well find himself looking at life in a different manner after children arrive. That is something I was not prepared for, nor my husband. We went opposite directions. My faith bloomed even more, and he, listening to the media, began to hate it more. Just another thought for considering the future and what may happen. Again, my prayers are with you. You have a great gift here of being informed and you are doing your best to work it out. God bless you! Therese1

**
You make some very good points. I know that ABello is pretty sure that she has a great boyfriend who is a great man… she believes that even if either of their views change dramatically that things will be just fine. That IS certainly possible, but from the many posts on CAF attesting to the opposite she needs to consider posts like yours and others from experienced married people (which she is) on what COULD happen. After all, to think it won’t happen to me is a bit of an insult to the people it does happen to…**

 

[wanner47]

To wanner47:

“…the priest will ask if you two will honor and love one another as husband and wife for the rest of your lives, and if you will accept children from God lovingly and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church.”

The first part, I’m clear about. The part and bold may or may not pose some problems, depending on which way you look at it. My boyfriend and I have agreed to raise our children with the teachings of the Catholic Church, up until they decide that these are teachings which they do not wish to follow. We would also encourage them to question, and approach information with a critical eye. Does this violate the above oath? In my opinion, it does not, but I’m curious to see if some people believe otherwise.

The thing is – and this ties into your next reply as well – as a faithful Catholic you are obligated to teach your children that the the Catholic faith is the truth. It’s not enough just to present it as, “This is what the Catholic Church teaches.” If you do not believe it and LIVE it as well, your child will ultimately come to the conclusion that it’s false or not important. Their thought processes will be, “Well, Mom and Dad don’t believe it it, so why should I?”

Plus, if you actually believe what you’re teaching, it will be taught so much better. Think of high school – didn’t you learn better from teachers who were actually enthusiastic and excited about their subject as opposed to the ones who were just plodding along 'til next payday?

If your intention is to expose your child to all religions and let them choose, please don’t. It does so much more harm that good. This thread goes into detail about that.

“If your boyfriend does not agree with what is contained therein, it might be wise for him to start to consider why exactly he identifies as Catholic.”

I haven’t yet got my boyfriend to read through the link you suggested, but I already know that he doesn’t agree with all the dogma of the Catholic Church 100%.

Why, then, is he Catholic? Would he rather be a member of a church that he DOES agree with 100% (No hostility or offense intended by this question.) I left the Lutheran Church when I realized I didn’t agree with Lutheran teachings 100%, because I felt it hypocritical to stay.

Regarding your American analogy, I understand your point entirely. However, I think you’d find quite a lot of people who may have problems with bits and parts of the American Constitution and Bill of Rights, but still proudly call themselves American none the less. The point I’m trying to make here is that I know my boyfriend may not agree with every little bit and piece of Catholicism in general, but for him the good outweighs the bad and for this reason, he prefers to stick by the Church. Is this necessarily a bad thing?

It’s not a bad thing per se, but it doesn’t seem to me to be an *honest *thing.

There are some teachings of the Church were dissent is allowed – e.g., believing that priests should be able to marry. This is only doctrine and not dogma, so it could be changed some day (indeed, Eastern Rite Catholics allow their priests to marry). Regardless, the Church still expects obedience in these teachings even if there is dissent (for example, a priest can believe that priests should be able to marry but is still bound to stay celibate in accordance with current Church teaching).

But there are other teachings of the Church that are non-negotiable. They are required to be held by the Catholic faithful. One of these is the belief of the Real Presence in the Eucharist, which you’ve indicated your boyfriend does not believe.

Continuing my analogy above, you’re correct that some Americans may disagree with certain aspects of the Constitution or the Bill of Rights. However, they’re still obligated to follow the law of the land even if they disagree, or there will be consequences. It’s the same in the Church (except that the consequences are spiritual rather than civil in nature).

“I also recommend Janet Smith’s article Contraception: Why Not?”
I just read it. (Still not through the rest of your recommendations, though). I’ll say that her and I certainly didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but it was enjoyable anyways. I’ll say that she’s likely a good lecturer, and a not-bad essayist, but her skills as a scientist leave something to be desired. Perhaps this will become the topic of a new thread?

Perhaps! Feel free to start a new thread about any questions or topics you’d like to discuss in detail.

As personal testimony, I can tell you that my husband and I have used NFP since May 2003 (we were married in the Lutheran Church in September 2001, and both converted to Catholicism in May 2003), and it has done wonderful things for our marriage.